Bad joke time again!

[snoboy]

You heard the one about the two cowboys and the rattlesnake? Slim and Tex are riding through the desert and get off their horses to stretch their legs. Slim comes across a rattlesnake and the snake bits him right on the old wanger. Tex doesn't know what to do, so he rides back to town and finds the doctor for advice.

 

"Doc! My buddy just got bit on the dick by a rattlesnake! He's out in the desert. What should I do?"

 

The doc tells him to make an incision at each fang mark and suck the poison out. If he gets the poison out his friend will recover.

 

Tex rides back into the desert and arrives to find Slim scared and desperate. "What did the doc say?!" asks Slim.

 

"The Doc says your gonna die Slim."

[thelawgoddess]

very bad.

[Dru]

An old man is sitting on a porch and sees a young boy walking by. The young boy is carrying something under one arm.

 

"What's that you got there boy?"

"Chicken wire, sir!"

"Where are ya going with that chicken wire boy?"

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens, sir!"

"Consarn it all boy you can't catch chickens with chicken wire! Haw haw haw!"

 

Yet that afternoon the old man sees the boy walk by with a dozen chickens!

 

The next day the man once again sees the boy walking by with something.

"Say there boy what've you got there today?"

"Duct tape mister! I'm going to catch me some ducks!"

"Ducks are hard to catch, boy! I don't think that's going to work!"

 

Yet that afternoon, when the boy walks by he has twenty ducks in a gunny sack.

 

The next day the boy walks along the street carrying something and the man calls out "What are you carrying today, boy?"

"Pussy willow, sir."

"Hold on boy let me get my hat, I'm coming with you today!"

[ScottP]

The marketing VP for Kentucky Fried Chicken gets an audience with the Pope. "Your holiness, KFC is willing to honor the Vatican with 10% of KFC's North American gross profits if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread.' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" The Pope responds, "I can't do that. It's the Lord's Prayer after all." The VP counters with, "We are willing to offer you 10% of KFC's Western Hemisphere gross profits if you change the Lords Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread.' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" "A fine and generous offer.", responds the Pope, "But it can't be done. It is the Lord's Prayer after all." The VP leans in close, "I'm not supposed to do this, but for you, we are willing to offer 10% of KFC's world gross profits if you change the Lords Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" The Pope pauses a moment and says, "I'll think about it."

 

At the Archbishops meeting the next week, the Pope opens the meeting with, "Gentlemen, I believe we are going to have to rethink the Wonder Bread account..."

[glacier]

A blonde walks into a bar and orders up 15 shots of whiskey. The bartender serves her, and soon enough, she passes out. After she passes out, the bartender puts her in the back room and charges the rest of the bar patrons $10 each to have their way with her.

 

A few days later, she returns to the bar. Bartender asks, "15 shots of whiskey again?"

"No," she replies, "vodka this time. Whiskey makes my twat sore."

[Bogen]

So these two climbers meet up at the base of a route and one notices that the other has new ice tools.

"What'd ya pay for those?" he asked.

"Nothing. I was climbing the other day and this beautiful woman walked up, threw down her new tools, stripped off her one piece and said I could have anything I wanted" "Oh. Good choice" said the other guide. "Her one piece would never have fit you"

[Bogen]

These two mountain guides are talking, and one is complaining bitterly that he can't get women to notice him. Here, says the other, handing him a cucumber, put this in your pants. Few days later the guides meet up again, and the guide is still complaining: "this thing is making me miserable, and I'm still not getting any women". Other guide takes a look. "Why don't you try putting it in front?"

[klenke]

THE AMISH ELEVATOR

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son...

"Go get your mother."

[Doug]

What goes "klop klop, klop klop, bang bang, klop klop?"

 

 

 

An Amish drive-by shooting.

[bunglehead]

2 Jewish guys are walking by a creek. They come to a footbridge over the creek and one of the guys thinks to himself: "Oh man, I'm going get this guy good"

So he stops in the middle of the footbridge and says

"Man, I gotta take a piss, bad!"

The other dude figures out what's going on and says

"Yeah me too"

So they both whip out their junk, and they're standing there peeing right next to each other, when the first guy turns to the other guy and says

"Man this water's cold!"

The second guy turns to him and says in response:

"Yeah, and it's deep too!"

[Kitergal]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants zipper.

The bartender says..ey mate....what's up with the steering wheel.

The pirate states "aye Mate..it's driving me nuts"!

 

Gawd...I love that one...yeah..I'm laughing at my own jokes!! HA!!!Love it!!

[bDubyaH]

what's brown and sticky?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a stick.

[catbirdseat]

Dru's joke reminds me of one in a similar vein:

 

On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his

ball into the woods. Harry, his partner laughed and poked

fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the

woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long

time, getting angrier by the minute.

Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, Fred found

his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his

club and thrashed every single buttercup in the patch.

Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman

appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how

long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that,

you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of

your life...better still; you won't have any butter for

your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of

fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of

your life!" Then POOF!...she was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his

friend, "Harry!....Harry!...where are you?" Harry yells,

"I'm over here, in the pussywillows."

Fred screams back..... "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!!

DON'T SWING!!"

[Blake]

2 Jewish guys are walking by a creek. They come to a footbridge over the creek and one of the guys thinks to himself: "Oh man, I'm going get this guy good"

So he stops in the middle of the footbridge and says

"Man, I gotta take a piss, bad!"

The other dude figures out what's going on and says

"Yeah me too"

So they both whip out their junk, and they're standing there peeing right next to each other, when the first guy turns to the other guy and says

"Man this water's cold!"

The second guy turns to him and says in response:

"Yeah, and it's deep too!"

 

 

?????? Anyone else not get this?

[Kevin_Matlock]

...they have such long schlongs that one is actually touching the water and the other is hitting bottom....

 

I've heard this one before, but heard it as "a couple of black guys..."

[iain]

RoboDump

[ketch]

I had a friend that used to prank in the stalls. He would wad up some TP and then smear a little peanut butter on it. Later while sitting in a stall he would "drop" it just past the edge of the divider and than ask " Would you mind handing that back, I'm not finished with it yet?"

 

I guess he got some reactions that were great I never had the nerve to follow his lead.

[bunglehead]

...they have such long schlongs that one is actually touching the water and the other is hitting bottom....

 

I've heard this one before, but heard it as "a couple of black guys..."

 

[catbirdseat]

Yeah, if trask were here, he'd be saying the joke was about he and his twin brother, except he'd include a wheel barrow in the story...

[specialed]

2 Jewish guys are walking by a creek. They come to a footbridge over the creek and one of the guys thinks to himself: "Oh man, I'm going get this guy good"

So he stops in the middle of the footbridge and says

"Man, I gotta take a piss, bad!"

The other dude figures out what's going on and says

"Yeah me too"

So they both whip out their junk, and they're standing there peeing right next to each other, when the first guy turns to the other guy and says

"Man this water's cold!"

The second guy turns to him and says in response:

"Yeah, and it's deep too!"

 

 

?????? Anyone else not get this?

 

This is an old joke. Actually I think it was a Richard Pryor Mudbone joke.

[ClimbingGirl33]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet 20 thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

 

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

 

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

 

The other answered, "I don't know, I thought you were watching!"

 

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[The_Rooster]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

[Lars]

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

 

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.  She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

 

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny, he said nothing.

 

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house and left it there all night.

[Figger_Eight]

What do you call a broken boomerang...?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A stick.

[Skeezix]

Guy walks into a convenience store to buy a pack of condoms, but the clerk is a foreign man who speaks no English. The guy tries every way he can think of to ask for condoms, but is unable to get his message across. Finally, in an act of desperation, he drops five dollars on the counter, whips out his schlong and points to it. With a sudden look of understanding on his face, the clerk whips out his own schlong, which turns out to be longer, and then snatches up the guy's money and pockets it.