A joke, for the hell of it...

[moron]

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home."I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19.Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

[MysticNacho]

[Noway]

How do you tell if your boyfriend is gay?

Dick tastes like shit.

[Charlie]

A young woman tells her father that she is going to marry a greak man. Her worried father warns her "those greek men are nasty, no matter what, promise me you won't let him roll you over while lovemaking". She agrees and the two are married. After monthes of lovemaking, the greek man wisperes into his new brides ear "why don't you roll over, honey". The bride objects, stating that she promised to never roll over during lovemaking. The perplexed husband replies "how do you ever expect to get pregnant?"

[Noway]

Hear about the guy that exchanged his wife for a Porta-potty?

The hole was smaller and it smelled better.

[MysticNacho]

WHY WALLS ARE BETTER THAN WOMENcourtesy of the famous Wally Barker

1) Walls will fuck you in every imaginable way. 2) There are easy walls everywhere. 3) It's pretty easy to find Walls that really suck. 4) After you do a new wall, it acceptable to tell your parents. 5) When you're on top of a wall, it's OK to take a dump. 6) You can do walls even if your not hard. 7) You can do walls less than 16 year old and not go jail. 8) You can share a wall with your friends. 9) You can do more than one wall in a day and not feel guilty. 10) Most walls can be done without raincoats. 11) If things get tough, you can always just nail a wall. 12) You can do a wall in public. 13) If you're persistent, easy walls always will go down. 14) Doing 3 wall in a day is something to brag about. 15) Your wall will always wait patiently for you. 16) You don't have to get cleaned up to do a wall. 17) A wall doesn't care when you come. 18) You can enjoy walls all month long. 19) Walls don't get jealous when you do another wall.

[pope]

An old lady in a rest home wheels up to a new, male resident and exclaims, "Super Pussy!" Hard at hearing, the old man asks her to please repeat. "Super Pussy!" says she. He adjusts his hearing aid and ask her to again repeat what she had said. "Sup-per Pus-sy!" she carefully articulates. Finally he resonds, "Oh, I'll have the soup."

[traddaddy]

A naked man walks into a psychiatrist's office completely wrapped in plastic wrap.The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts"

[Sleeper]

What do you say to a girl with no arms and no legs

Nice Tits

[ 04-11-2002: Message edited by: Sleeper ]

[J_Kirby]

Along those same lines:

A veteran psychologist is again assigned to do yearly case reviews at a local asylum for insane climbers. At the asylum, he accompanies the staff on their daily rounds.

In the first room they visit, a man is stemming between his window sill and an upended bed frame six feet away, humming to himself in a trance-like state. The psychologist approaches the man and asks him what he is doing. The trance lifts and he tells the doctor that he is training for future roadtrips to Devil’s Tower. The doctor, impressed by his progress over the last 12 months, gives the climber a clean bill of health and sends him home.

They go on to the second patient’s room. In this room a tiny woman is clinging to the underside of her bunkbed and practicing wild lunges for the bars on her windows. The psychologist asks her what she is doing. She lowers herself and tells him that she is hoping to get back to Rifle in the springtime and is trying to get some of her old finger strength back. The doctor, again impressed by the patient’s progress, sends her home.

After visiting several more patients, they make it to the last room in the asylum. Inside, a man sits stark naked on his bed in a harness made from shredded bedding and littered with hand tied slings. As he babbles incoherently about bashies and RURPs, he rolls a full set of Wild Country Rocks up and down his penis. Shocked, the psychologist asks, “What in God’s name are you doing, don’t you want to get well?” The man turns to the doctor and says – “Can’t you see? I’m F$@%ing nuts, I’m never getting outta here!”

[moron]

Handy Dictionary to decipher Personals Ads

WOMEN'S ADS 40-ish...................... 49 Adventurer.................. Slept with all your friends Athletic.................... No tits Average looking............. Has a face like a basset hound Beautiful................... Pathological liar Contagious Smile............ Does a lot of Ecstasy Educated.................... Banged her Political Science professor Emotionally Secure.......... Medicated Free spirit................. Junkie Friendship first............ Trying to live down reputation as a slut Fun......................... Annoying Gentle...................... Comatose Good Listener............... Borderline Autistic New-Age..................... All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned............Lights out,missionary position only, no BJs Open-minded................. Desperate Outgoing.................... Loud and Embarrassing Passionate.................. Sloppy drunk Poet........................ Depressive Schizophrenic Professional................ Certified Bitch Redhead..................... Bad dye-job Romantic.................... Looks better by candle light Social.......... Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres trayWants Soulmate.............. StalkerWidow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himselfYoung at heart.............. Old bat

MEN'S ADS40-ish................ 52 and looking for 25-yr-oldAthletic.............. Watches a lot of NASCARAverage looking....... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & backEducated.............. Will patronize the shit out of youFree Spirit........... Banging your sisterFriendship first...... As long as friendship involves nookieFun................... Good with a remote and a six packGood looking.......... ArrogantVery good looking..... Dumb as a boardHonest................ Pathological LiarHuggable.............. Overweight, more body hair than a bearLikes to cuddle....... Insecure mama's boyMature................ Older than your fatherOpen-minded........... Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's notinterestedPhysically fit........ Does a lot of 12-ounce curlsPoet.................. Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stallSensitive............. Cries at chick flicksVery sensitive........ GaySpiritual............. Got laid in a cemetery onceStable................ Arrested for stalking, but not convictedThoughtful............ Says "Excuse me" when he farts

[glacier_dup1]

Four nuns die in a car wreck and find themselves at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter meets them and says, "Before you enter, is there anything you ladies would like to confess?"

The first nun says, 'I have sinned. I once looked upon a man's nakedness."

St. Peter says, "Go wash your eyes out in the font of holy water and you may enter."

The second nun says, 'I have also sinned. I once touched a man's nakedness."

St. Peter says, "Go wash your hands in the font of holy water and you may enter."

Suddenly the fourth nun cuts the line, runs to the font, and starts gargling.

St. Peter asks, "Sister, what do you think you're doing?"

The nun replies, "If you think I'm washing my mouth out in this fountain after Sister Bertha sticks her ass in it, you're crazy!"

[Dru]

A sociology class is studying the frequency with which humans copulate. The professor says he will now do a demonstration of the graph of frequency distribution he has just drawn on the overhead.

"SO: could I get everybody who has sex every da to raise their hand."

A few of the students, kinda smiling cauise they are the ones everyone now knows are as horny as rabbits, put up their hands.

"Thank you. And now, all those who have sex at least 3 times a week."

A larger group raise their hands, smiling cause they are normal.

"Thank you. And now all those who have sex at least once a week."

A much larger group raises their hands.

"At least once a month?"

By now almost all the students have raised their hands. Those who haven't yet are the shy, religious, awkward, ugly or socially inept students.

"Once every six months? Anyone?"

Most of the above group can now raise their hands with relief. Only one guy is left who has not raised his hand yet.

"Once a year or less?"

"YES! Me! Me! That's me! I have sex less than once a year!" That one guy hasnt just raised his hand he's doing a dance on top of his seat! He looks really happy!

"Sir, can you explain to the class why you find your state so exhilirating?" asks the prof expecting to hear some religious reason...

"TONIGHTS THE NIGHT!"

[jhamaker]

How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

He'll tell you.

[jhc]

You've got all your gear out in the driveway and you're loading up your truck for a much needed three-day climbing trip. Suddenly your wife comes out of the house just screaming her head off at you. What did you do wrong?

 

You made the chain attaching her to the stove too long...

[Figger_Eight]

How do you fix a leaky dishwasher?

 

Push her closer to the sink.

[CleeshterFeeshter]

>

> >

> > A good Irishman, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters

>club.

> >

> > One evening they were hitting the Guinness and having a contest at who

> > could

> > make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his pint and said, "Here's to

> > spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him

> > the

> > top prize for the best toast of the night!

> >

> > He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best

>toast

> > o'

> > the night."

> >

> > She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

> >

> > John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church

> > beside

> > me wife."

> >

> > "Oh John!" Mary said, "That is very nice indeed!", .

> >

> > The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street

> > corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the

> > other

> > night with a toast about you Mary."

> >

> > "Aye..." she said, "and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's

> > only

> > been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull

> > him

> > by the ears to make him come!"

[allthumbs]

Bambi, in her fourth year as a freshman at UCLA, sat in her U.S. Government class.

 

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi thought a moment, then answered:

 

"That was the decision George Washington had to make when he decided to cross the Delaware."

[sk]

old joke

 

there once was a man who was having a dificult time in his life, so he went to God and asked to be smarter.

So God gave him some intellegenc

he got a job found some friends... things were better, so he went back to God and asked to be smarter yet.

Now he could impress people at parties, he got an even better job, found a girl friend. Life was good.

so he went back to God, and asked to be even smarter.

 

God turned him into a woman

[erik]

THIS AINT A JOKE BUT I THINK THIS PIC LOOKS LIKE ONE FROM THE OLD DAYZ....YOU KNOW THE WHYMPER ASCENT OF THE EIGER...WHERE THEY ARE HELPING EACH OTHER UP TO THE TOP.........

 

[avypoodle]

[allthumbs]

Erik and "the boys" heading up to Muir hut.

 

[specialed]

What's the hardest thing about eating vegetables?

 

The wheelchairs!

[Honkeydong]

i am a schmuck!!!!

 

sorry ladies

 

[ 04-16-2002, 04:54 PM: Message edited by: erik ]

[erik]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Honkeydong:

honkeydong would like to apologize.

---

you better becareful honkeydong.....i know some women, who are probably plotting to beat your ass as i type this.....

 

watch your back....they are all evil!!!!!

 

[ 04-16-2002, 04:54 PM: Message edited by: erik ]