pope Posted March 1, 2002 Share Posted March 1, 2002 quote: Originally posted by sayjay: Yikes! Someone please kill this thread before the jokes get any worse!! Ouch! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dru Posted March 1, 2002 Share Posted March 1, 2002 What time do you make a dentist appointment? At "tooth hurty" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pope Posted March 1, 2002 Share Posted March 1, 2002 Disgruntled youth: Dad, I want to get my ear pierced. Red-neck dad: Might as well pierce them both..with the same bullet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sayjay Posted March 1, 2002 Share Posted March 1, 2002 okay, fine, if you can't beat 'em... Why do men want to marry virgins?-- They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?-- Because those men already have boyfriends. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?-- The blonde, because she's 18. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?-- Mace will do that to you. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?-- Everyone has the same DNA. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allthumbs Posted March 1, 2002 Author Share Posted March 1, 2002 Lewis walks into a psychologist's office wearing a dancer's tutu with a parrot on his head and a cocktail onion stuffed up each nostril. The psychologist, humoring him, asks, "What seems to be theproblem?" Lewis answers, "Well, Doc, I'm worried about my brother..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dru Posted March 1, 2002 Share Posted March 1, 2002 Young man in the South is getting to be marrying age so his father takes him aside. "Son, I never seen you with no girls. Ain't you gonna get married?" "Oh Pa, I just never brought my girls home." "well you bring them home before you marry them, son. Its time for you to think about marrying now". A few weeks later boy brings girl home to meet the family. Girl is sitting in the house talking to Ma. Pa walks through and is introduced. Motions Sonny to come outside for a talk. "Son, you cant marry that girl, you hear.""Why not, pa?" "That girl is your sister - but your mama don't know that! And don't tell her neither!" So, somewhat sad, Sonny breaks up with his girl. A month or so goes by and Sonny brings another girl home to meet the parents. Again girl is sitting in the parlour talking to Ma. Again Dad surreptitiously checks out girl and motions to Sonny for a heart to heart out on the porch. "Nuh-uh! Nuh-uh! You can't marry that girl either, Son. She's your sister too! But your mama don't know that..." So Sonny is rather dejected by this. And his mother can tell this. So one day while his father is out working in the fields his ma takes Sonny aside. "Son, why arent you seeing either of those fine girls no more? I know you liked em well enough?" "Well, Ma, its cause of Dad. He said I couldn't marry neither one of those girls cause they was both my sisters only you didn't know it..." Ma laughs and laughs. "Well, sonny, you can marry either of those girls that you want to. Cause he aint your father, but he don't know that!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sayjay Posted March 2, 2002 Share Posted March 2, 2002 ahhhh! now *that's* better! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moron Posted March 2, 2002 Share Posted March 2, 2002 WARNING! WARNING!!! This is the sickest joke of all time!!! Hit your back button now!!! Daughter walks into the living room and aks her Dad if she can borrow the car. The Dad says "you know what you got to do" so she gets down there and starts giving him a blowjob and looks up and says "this tastes like shit!", and Dad says, "Oh yeah, your brother borrowed the car this morning". [ 03-01-2002: Message edited by: moron ] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pope Posted March 2, 2002 Share Posted March 2, 2002 Slogan for a company that pumps septic tanks: Your shit is our bread and butter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honkeydong Posted March 2, 2002 Share Posted March 2, 2002 There is a sordid rumor in a small town that a certain female is actually "packin'," if you know what I mean. Sooo...Billy Bob decides once and for all to find out what's up, and he asks the so-called "woman" out on a date. She eagerly accepts. He wines her, he dines her, and later,he takes her up to the hill overlooking the town and makes his move. Just when he lifts her skirt and is sure to find out her darkest secret, she stops him. "I need to go to the bathroom," she pleads. Reluctantly, Billy-Bob acquieses and finds himself alone. Sitting there, he is struck by the notion that this is his perfect opportunity to find out if she is a man or not. So he sneaks up the hill and spies her in the moonlight. Sure enough, he sees a long silouette hanging there. He scurries up to her and grabs it with both hands. "Hey! I didn't know you were up here," says the surprised girl. "Yeah? Well I didn't know you were takin' a shit," says Billy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScottP Posted March 2, 2002 Share Posted March 2, 2002 Two firefighters are buttfucking in a smoke-filled room. The captain walks in, sees them, and asks, "What the hell is going on!?" The guy on top says, "I'm treating him for smoke inhalation." The captain replies,"That's not how you do it. You're supposed to give him mouth to mouth." The guy on the bottom says, "How do you think this whole thing got started?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CraigA Posted March 3, 2002 Share Posted March 3, 2002 A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs. She browses around, then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, madam. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely rug?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very likely going to shit when you hear the price." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bronco Posted March 4, 2002 Share Posted March 4, 2002 Redneck Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer were sent for.Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange, because he was pretty sure of the body's identity. Gomer was then brought in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew about it, too. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allthumbs Posted March 4, 2002 Author Share Posted March 4, 2002 Ole took Lena home with him and took off his shirt. Lena says, "Ole dat's some chest you have dare." Ole says, "Lena, dat's a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite." Next Ole took off his pants. Lena says, "Ole dat's nice calves you have dare." Ole says, "Lena dat's a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite." Ole quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants & Lena screamed and ran out the door. Ole put his clothes back on & ran after her. Catching her, Ole said, "Lena, viy did you run out like dat?" Lena said, "Vith all dat dynamite around, I taught it vas going to explode ven I saw how short da fuse vas." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joekania Posted March 5, 2002 Share Posted March 5, 2002 Pierre, the french jet fighter pilot is wooing the lovely Jeanette on the banks of the Seinne. Jeanette says, "Pierre, kiss my lips." Pierre sprinkles some red wine on them and kisses her passionately. Jeanette is impressed and asks why the wine. To which Pierre responds, "Ah am Pierre, ze jet fighter pilot, and I like red wine with red meat." Jeanette giggles and says, "Ooh, Pierre, kiss my breasts!" So Pierre pulls off her shirt, splashes cool chardonnay on chest and goes to town. Jeanette is tres aroused and asks, "Pierre, why the wine?" To which he replies, "Ah am Pierre, ze jet fighter pilot, and I like white wine with white meat." By this time, Jeanette is overcome by his Gallic charm, pushes his head down and tells him to finish her off.Pierre pulls off her panties, douses her bush in brandy and sets it on fire. Jeanette, of course, jumps up screaming, frantically beating out the flames. "Why on earth did you do THAT?!" And he says, "Ah am Pierre, ze jet fighter pilot, and when I go down, I like to go down in flames!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bronco Posted March 5, 2002 Share Posted March 5, 2002 A young man reported for his first day of work at the big supermarket. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake, handed him a broom and said "your first job will be to sweep out the store" "But I just graduated from College!" the young man replied indignantly. "I've spent the last five years in school taking clases in business and economics!" "Oh sorry" said the manager, taking back the broom. "Here, let me show you how it works" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allthumbs Posted March 22, 2002 Author Share Posted March 22, 2002 Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, 'Sure.' About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. They all laugh. The guy says, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.' So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. Jack gets all excited and says, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The hit man replies, 'Sure.' So Jack looks and says, 'YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!' This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, 'I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger.' Jack responds, '$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife.' The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, 'What are you waiting for? The hitman replies, 'Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crackhead Posted March 23, 2002 Share Posted March 23, 2002 How do you get a dawg to quit humping you leg? Pick him up and suck his dick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pope Posted March 24, 2002 Share Posted March 24, 2002 A gay man scheduled an appointment with his proctologist, complaining of a "pain in his bum." The doctor soon discovered a dozen roses in this man's bottom, and he asked, "Could this be the problem?" The gay man responded excitedly, "Read the card!" [ 03-23-2002: Message edited by: pope ] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Country_Jake Posted March 24, 2002 Share Posted March 24, 2002 "A blind man is walki'n down the street, he strolls by the local fish market, takes a deep breath and says Goodmorning Laddies..." afro Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MysticNacho Posted March 25, 2002 Share Posted March 25, 2002 I love this thread! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jman Posted March 25, 2002 Share Posted March 25, 2002 quote: Originally posted by MysticNacho: I love this thread! Ditto. I've copied and pasted a about a dozen of them to send to co-workers. They had me in stitches! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sobo Posted March 26, 2002 Share Posted March 26, 2002 I put one over on trask's "joke 4". i don't feel like typing it over again, so check it out over there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allthumbs Posted March 26, 2002 Author Share Posted March 26, 2002 Sobo...unless you're workin on an original, don't you know about cut and paste? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sobo Posted March 26, 2002 Share Posted March 26, 2002 trask,Hmmmmmm... lemme see... open this forum, click on this post, get to the end of the thread, get the "Ah ha!", go to Joke 4 post, get to the end of thread, copy the joke, come back to this post, select reply to post, paste the joke, add reply. Naaaahhhh, too much fuckin' work. Rather be drinking beer. I thought the Joke 4 thread was going somewhere. Shows what i know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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