How to get a teenage kid of the couch?

[corvallisclimb]

im still 19 and stuck on the couch someone help!!! at least i can still climb 5.7 off the couch. but seriously growing up in oregon was a belssing to me. i was 15 4.5 years ago so i know a little bit better than most of you what it felt like. make sure hes not slipping into drugs, i know that in oregon that can be a really hard thing, and especially right now during this long dark winter. consider moving elsewhere in oregon, portland kinda sucks for raising kids compared to other cities, bend, corvallis, ashland... consider an exchange program, i know that helped a lot of my friends get out of their ruts. NOLS courses and stuff like that can be really good too. what high school is he attending in portland?

Edited January 17, 2006 by corvallisclimb

[Gary_Yngve]

Volunteering is good.

 

The summer of my junior year in high school I volunteered for Habitat for Humanity. On weekdays I balanced their books and on weekends I built houses. Learned a lot from those experiences.

[Dru]

if he goes to live in russia, does that mean he gets draft eligibility, drafted into russian army and sent to chechnya?

[icegirl]

Bottom line it's got to be something he can connect with (the cambodia thing worked for my boyfriend, his dad took him one summer in HS as a Red Cross volunteer, and that encouraged him to volunteer in the Peace Corps after college, and then spend every summer in Africa doing some kind of humanitarian work. Now he's headed to Afghanistan to do surgery in an Emergency hospital there (no, he's not in the military). Sometimes its the little things that make a huge difference in a kids life. I think before that trip to cambodia he was planning on being an artist or something random

 

One thing about volunteering... it works great in HS, college, but unless you have some kind of "fall back" as in your parents are helping fund school, it doesn't work well for those who are working to pay for school

 

[ScottP]

I am going to step into the "supportive environment" camp on this.

Adolescence is tough. What an adolescent needs as much, if not more than anyone is to be accepted regardless of how their wildly swinging emotions are running at the time. Be positive, supportive, non-judgemental and honest in all communications with your son.

If he is disrespectful, tell him so in a non-confrontational way and let him know how it makes you feel. Be willing to listen, and understand when he tells you how you make him feel. Be willing to admit when you make mistakes and to say you are sorry if you do something that makes your son upset or angry.

Some day he will grow out of the adolescent phase. What you want him to leave it with is the memory that no matter what happened during that time, you loved and supported him because he is your son.

[John Frieh]

NYC out of Eugene

 

I volunteered guest lectures/outdoor instruction for NYC back when I lived in Eugene... those kids are the some of the most screwed up kids I have ever worked with... not all of them but a healthy majority of them had serious emotional and/or physical (drugs) issues... many were there as they had been permanently expelled from tradition school. I think if you sent your kid here he would see it as punishment more then anything and quite possible pick up some back habits...

 

After class (I would do 1-2 days a week max) I would feel the overwhelming urge to go visit my parents and give them both a big hug and thank them for being such good parents.

 

If you are considering the NYC option get a hold of me and I can put you in touch with some current/former counselors/instructors

 

I think forcing the outdoor theme with him isn't going to fly and if anything will risk a further division between the 2 of you... just because your wife and you like it doesn't mean he is going too... I am willing to bet a majority of the users on this board might have gone camping with their parents but that is the extent of it. My whole extended family has never climbed... further more they have no interest.

 

I would echo others suggestions:

 

- doing nothing is not an acceptable option

- he needs to get a job or some form of responsibility... i.e. if he wants to volunteer his time for a non profit offer to pay him minimum wage (or more) for his time... you need to identify something he wants and help him work towards saving for it... like a car! He is 15!

- support what ever he expresses interest in (with in reason)

- communicate

 

And be patient... To give you an idea of what kind of teenager I was I was voted by my Senior Class "Most likely to be seen on America's Most Wanted"

 

Some kids just take a little longer to come around

[archenemy]

i was 15 4.5 years ago so i know a little bit better than most of you what it felt like.

Wait til you have twenty years to reflect on what it felt like to be 15

[sweatinoutliquor]

Another thing. I wonder if he is thinking about a car? Show him how to get the money for the car. Show him your insurance. Maybe he needs a job for the car?

 

I was going to mention the same thing. My younger brother went/is going through the same phase, though now he is in college. I also believe it resulted from not having good role models in his life at that time. My parents have stressed significantly over this, and their efforts to make him into more the person they want him to be drove him further away. Personally I feel that you as his father will not be able to directly change him because until he is 21(ish) he will rebel against most of the things you say. The best course to influence him is to insure that he is spending time with the right people. I agree that he will need a job soon, to pay for vehicle/insurance. If he doesn't want one, then consider asking him to begin saving money for higher education or even to pay for a small portion of his rent at home. When looking for jobs, make sure his first is one that will work him hard and teach a strong work ethic. Success at a hard job should bolster self confidence and make him appreciate his free time more. I would also say not to be discouraged... These must be the hardest parenting years (in my opinion)! I had serious issues with my parents during that phase of my life, but a few years later I realize that they were right on almost all counts. Good luck Oleg!

[sweatinoutliquor]

Holy crap! I would also say that by the number of posts by people in such a short period of time that you aren't the only one with similar problems!

[jordop]

A family I grew up around: when the kids turn 18 they are kicked out of the house for a year. They can come back for free room and board if they choose to attend university, or can pay rent if they are working.

 

Edited June 4, 2021 by jordop

[RoastyJones]

I say - baloney! We do more than many other ‘conventional’ parents do

 

God forbid you as the parent take any responsibility at all for his behavior! He is growing up to be a jerk? Hmmm...wonder what his folks are like?

[RoastyJones]

devoided of your own pride and personality.

 

Ya, you know, like...being a parent

[RoastyJones]

How do you approach a kid whose world is narrowing in front of your eyes?

 

Approach him like its not all about you, how does that sound for a mental jump?

[ashw_justin]

Laziness and complacency are a disease of civilized society. That's just a fact of modern life. Your son needs inspiration, but you can't hold it against him. You'll just have to keep trying to interest him, and give him any help he needs when something inspires him.

 

Also, teenagers need chill time, because when they're not at home, they're dealing with all kinds of stuff that is new and intimidating to them. He needs constant reminding of those qualities of his that make you proud. You need to believe in him, and he needs to know this. You have to forgive his failings.

[selkirk]

On the supportive side; kids that age can be little shits. My wife didn't actually talk to her mom for about 2 years , though she was reasonably involved and focused even then and has a great relationship with them now. She was just being 13.

 

I know when I was growing up I had very few expectations placed on me and lots of freedom to do what I wanted to. The upside was I had very little to rebel against, but that could easily backfire if he's in with the wrong crowd. The one big requirement is that I was never allowed to do anything half assed, but at the same time, success was never judged in terms of outside standards. If I worked my ass off and honestly put in the best effort I could then my parents were happy and proud.

 

If he's seriously into, or wanting to be into, music maybe offer to foot part of the bill for his starting a band, and offer him the garage as practice space? Probably what he needs most is support, space, and stiff kick in the ass to get him off the couch, and an actual goal to work towards. If he's active and actually working towards some goal in some activity regardless of what it is he'll probably be ok. Your right though, the whole apathy thing is bad news, that's scarier than just about anything.

 

I know we all have an outdoors bent on here, but were also climbers and therefore on the slightly freaky end of things. If he's not into it, trying to push him is just going to make him bitter. He's got to learn to love whatever he's doing for his own reasons. By all means keep offering to take him out, on your trips, or offer to go with him on his .

[bfiles]

No tv until I was in middle school

1 parent (at least) at home always

No money (or as I got older stuff) for nothing...personal financial accountability from day one

No tolerance for lying

Consistant awareness and to some extent regulation of the people I was hanging out with

Expressed approval or dissapproval but never criticism

An open and consistant discipline policy...I knew what was okay and what wasn't and what would happen if I screwed up

No subject was ever taboo (sometimes to my chagrin)

A role in family decision making

At least one parent at every teacher conference grades 1-12

At least on parent at every sporting event, concert, awards banquet, or any other activity I was a part of.

 

I'm not a parent but I was a kid not too long ago... and a shitheat at that for a good bunch of years. This is the stuff that came to mind when I thought about why I got over it.

 

Also, for me, a shrink would have been the worst possible choice. Having my parents take me to a shrink would have told me that I wasn't good enough.

 

NOLS...a great experience for me once I was past the shithead stage...I'm not sure how it would have gone over during but the idea is good. It would have been good for me to see that my "world" was really just a little puddle.

 

If you figure it out, make sure you write a book.

[archenemy]

Funny thought:

We are all posting about our own teenage experience as if we all turned out so great.

[Dru]

Good point archie. Obviously your parents did a horrible job of raising you.

[archenemy]

Good point archie. Obviously your parents did a horrible job of raising you.

It's amazing they are still alive: I would have died of shame if I had been them. Poor people...

[texplorer]

He should take notes from bigwaller and head to the valley and start climbing walls and swilling Old E

[olyclimber]

You should set him down in front of a computer with an Internet connection, get him and logon on CC.com, and introduce him to spray. Soon, he'll have no time to do anything wrong. Plus there is an incredible amount of moral fiber to be found here.

 

not to mention the bad spelling and grammar he can pick up.

[sexual_chocolate]

How about no allowance and if he wants anything even slightly spendy, he has to pay half, which means work?

 

It seems he doesn't need much money or anything at all. Just, as you said, he wants to be left alone in his room. Scary.

The main problem though is not just the lack of interests and poor grades, but never ending lies.

 

What is he lying about? Is he feeling like you're on his back all the time? Maybe he never feels like he's listened to (some things you've said make me think that this might be the case).

 

I really think a good family therapist might help, someone who can help everyone, including your kid, get a voice. It seems from your posts that right now things are really tense, and I don't think anything positive will come out of that, if things aren't calmed down a bit with the aid of a third party.

 

And the tough love stuff people are preaching? I think it'll breed more resentment; I know it would (and did) in me, especially if it's just a continual effort on your part to impose your will on him (which it often seems be all about, gaining control over another.)

 

But then again, trying to get him to go to a family therapist with y'all might be something he's not into, and not ready to open up to at all. In which case you and your wife should go.

[OlegV]

The answer: Northwest Youth Corps. It was run out Eugene, OR when I was there.

 

Thanks, I'll look into this. We checked many outdoor programs. They cost up to $10K/3 months!!!!!!!!!

As, for the car, I can see a potential for troubles

[OlegV]

[quote

Take him on a trip to ...volunteer at a prosthetics lab...

I am seriously considering to take him to a trip to Tibet, for several months. You know, doing trekking, living simple. Not sure if there is a potential for jobs there.

[OlegV]

O would agree about getting into some volunteer type activities...

 

You think we didn't try this? My wife is an ultrarunner, used to take him and my yonger son to volunte at the races. Volunteer are great people and usually there is the whole bunch of them and you see they are doing this job from the bottom of their hearts. I always felt Alex was doing this just to please us. He worked at the local library, not sure it cranked up his spirit.