klenke Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 Apologies if this has been uploaded in Spray recently, but it was funny enough for me to include: Divergent Economic Philosophies Across the Globe DEMOCRAT You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbra Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital. IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow. CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows Most are illegals Arnold likes the ones with the big tits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EWolfe Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 Saw a bumper sticker today: Got Udder Pus? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dru Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and get a guy who takes off every day at 2PM to go fishing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrambler Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 #13 Food Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaee Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 Here's some more that I like: ANARCHISM: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. LIBERTARIANISM: Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business. POLITICAL CORRECTNESSISM: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like.. these two cows, man. Uh, so, like, you have really got to do some of this milk, like, fer shur, it's awesome, man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunglehead Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 Two cows walk into a bar. The third cow ducks. BADOOMCHA! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lI1|1! Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 CLIMBER: you are the only guy in a three-way! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EWolfe Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 jaee said: SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan_Harris Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 Dru said: Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and get a guy who takes off every day at 2PM to go fishing. Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bug Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 Hanford cows. You last saw them wandering toward the pit. Congress allocated $13 billion dollars to find them over the next six decades. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScottP Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 CC.COM: One group of cows has no problem with holes being punched in their ears for tagging purposes. One group of cows is vehemently opposed to these holes. These two groups spend way too much time mooing crazily and tossing shit at each other over and over and over again. All to no avail, because the fucking holes are going to be punched anyway by people who have no idea that these two groups of battling cows, or their for/next arguments exist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EWolfe Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 ScottP said: CC.COM: One group of cows has no problem with holes being punched in their ears for tagging purposes. One group of cows is vehemently opposed to these holes. These two groups spend way too much time mooing crazily and tossing shit at each other over and over and over again. All to no avail, because the fucking holes are going to be punched anyway by people who have no idea that these two groups of battling cows, or their for/next arguments exist. Dude. WTF? Less bovinism, more humanism. We are neither sheep nor cows. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lummox Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 ScottP said: CC.COM: One group of cows has no problem with holes being punched in their ears for tagging purposes. One group of cows is vehemently opposed to these holes. These two groups spend way too much time mooing crazily and tossing shit at each other over and over and over again. All to no avail, because the fucking holes are going to be punched anyway by people who have no idea that these two groups of battling cows, or their for/next arguments exist. uh. i cant find the punchline. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arlen Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry_Pi Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 arlen said: Hello capitalist! You remind me of native american studies at ESC. Thank you for allow oriental to post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScottP Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 MisterE said: ScottP said: CC.COM: One group of cows has no problem with holes being punched in their ears for tagging purposes. One group of cows is vehemently opposed to these holes. These two groups spend way too much time mooing crazily and tossing shit at each other over and over and over again. All to no avail, because the fucking holes are going to be punched anyway by people who have no idea that these two groups of battling cows, or their for/next arguments exist. Dude. WTF? Less bovinism, more humanism. We are neither sheep nor cows. The cows are a metaphor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScottP Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 lummox said: ScottP said: CC.COM: One group of cows has no problem with holes being punched in their ears for tagging purposes. One group of cows is vehemently opposed to these holes. These two groups spend way too much time mooing crazily and tossing shit at each other over and over and over again. All to no avail, because the fucking holes are going to be punched anyway by people who have no idea that these two groups of battling cows, or their for/next arguments exist. uh. i cant find the punchline. It's satirical. There is no punchline. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlpineK Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 CC.COM You have 2 cows. You convince one cow that the other cow hates him. You sit back and laugh while the cows fight and destroy the barn. You wonder when someone's going to get you some milk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EWolfe Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 CC.COM: You have a bunch of monkeys. These monkeys are trying to fuck a basketball. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badvoodoo Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 MisterE said: CC.COM: You have a bunch of monkeys. These monkeys are trying to fuck a basketball. And each of them telling the other that's NOT how you fuck a basketball, it's never been done that way, and anyone who believes that is a bigger dumbass than the last. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snoboy Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 AlpineK said: CC.COM You have 2 cows. You convince one cow that the other cow hates him. You sit back and laugh while the cows fight and destroy the barn. You wonder when someone's going to get you some milk. Then some wanker with nothing better to do on the weekend points out to you that cows are female... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlpineK Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Maybe the cows are confused about their sex too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G-spotter Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 Maybe the cows are confused about their sex too. Until the bull shows up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr_Phil Posted September 10, 2006 Share Posted September 10, 2006 Don't make fun of the guy with the head injury. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedNose Posted September 10, 2006 Share Posted September 10, 2006 yuk,yuk,yuk,yuk,yuk,yuk,yuk,yuk,yuk, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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