Cheney shoots hunter...really

[Off_White]

The inevitable humor compendium makes it's rounds, so I post it here for your entertainment...

 

"The Late Show With David Letterman" (CBS)

 

"Good news ladies and gentleman, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction … It's Dick Cheney."

 

* * *

 

"We can't get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."

 

* * *

 

"Honestly, I don't know what all of the fuss is about. What's more American than shooting your hunting buddy in the ass?"

 

* * *

 

"The guy who got gunned down is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet."

 

* * *

 

From "Cheney's Excuses," Monday night's Top 10 list: "I thought the guy was trying to go gay cowboy on me."

 

"The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central)

 

A partial transcript:

 

Jon Stewart: "Yes, as you've just heard, a near-tragedy over the weekend in south Texas. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt at a political supporter's ranch. Making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting VP since Alexander Hamilton.

 

"Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird.

 

* * *

 

The other player in the drama? Ranch owner and eyewitness Katharine Armstrong.

 

Katharine Armstrong: "We were shooting a covey of quail. The vice president and two others got out of the car to walk up the covey."

 

Jon Stewart: "What kind of hunting story begins with getting out of your car? As I sighted the great beast before us, my shaking hands could barely engage the parking brake. Slowly, I turned off the A/C and silenced my sub-woofers…"

 

* * *

 

Katharine Armstrong: "A bird flushed. The vice president took aim at the bird and shot and unfortunately, Mr. Whittington was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty well."

 

Jon Stewart: "Peppered. There you have it. Harry Whittington, seasoned to within an inch of his life.

 

* * *

 

Jon Stewart: "I'm joined now by our own vice-presidential firearms mishap analyst, Rob Corddry. Rob, obviously a very unfortunate situation. How is the vice president handling it?

 

Rob Corddry: "Jon, tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Wittington. According to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush.

 

"And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Whittington's face."

 

Jon Stewart: "But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird, why would he still have shot him?"

 

Rob Corddry: "Jon, in a post-9-11 world, the American people expect their leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak."

 

Jon Stewart: "That's horrible."

 

Rob Corddry: "Look, the mere fact that we're even talking about how the vice president drives up with his rich friends in cars to shoot farm-raised wingless quail-tards is letting the quail know 'how' we're hunting them. I'm sure right now those birds are laughing at us in that little 'covey' of theirs.

 

Jon Stewart: "I'm not sure birds can laugh, Rob."

 

Rob Corddry: "Well, whatever it is they do … coo .. they're cooing at us right now, Jon, because here we are talking openly about our plans to hunt them. Jig is up. Quails one, America zero.

 

Jon Stewart: "Okay, well, on a purely human level, is the vice president at least sorry?"

 

Rob Corddry: "Jon, what difference does it make? The bullets are already in this man's face. Let's move forward across party lines as a people … to get him some sort of mask."

 

"Jimmy Kimmel Live" (ABC)

 

Among the jokes in consideration for Monday's telecast:

 

"It's part of the president's new Social Security plan. Once you hit 78, kablamo."

 

* * *

 

"Luckily, the guy he shot was wearing the body armor that never got shipped to the troops."

 

* * *

 

"You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and shoots an old man in the face, 6 more weeks of winter."

 

"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" (NBC)

 

"Although it is beautiful here in California, the weather back East has been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C. Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear."

 

* * *

 

"When people found out he shot a lawyer his popularity is now at 92%"

 

* * *

 

"After he shot the guy, he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?' "

 

* * *

 

"Something I just found out today about the incident. Do you know that Dick Cheney tortured the guy for a half hour before he shot him?"

 

* * *

 

"Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy. Which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton."

[Peter_Puget]

Education via bumper stickers

 

Edited February 14, 2006 by Peter_Puget

[cj001f]

Education via bumper stickers

 

 

 

And how many DWI's do the President and Vice-President have between them Peter?

[tivoli_mike]

Now the man he shot is having a heart attack, probably because of birdshot lodged in there

[DirtyHarry]

Its OK though, it was just a "minor" heart attack.

[Dechristo]

probably because, before Cheney relaized what he'd done, he started to field dress him.

[Dru]

If this raises Cheney's approval rating look for that Hmong guy from the midwest to be a VP candidate in 2008

[TerminatorX]

I'm sure the neocon shouting heads are eager to dismiss this as "no worse than Texas-style fraternity hazing."

Edited February 14, 2006 by TerminatorX

[Dechristo]

would have been better if he hadn't been using depleted uranium pellets.

[glacier]

 

[Alpinfox]

 

Glacier comes out of hiding with a good one!

[olyclimber]

unicorns are my favorite animal

[Dru]

Known for their skills and magic?

[Cobra_Commander]

the WMD pictogram above resembles a fat legless rabbit.

[Mr._Natural]

Hunter Shot by Cheney Has Heart Attack

By LYNN BREZOSKY and NEDRA PICKLER, Associated Press Writers

1 hour ago

 

 

Vice President Dick Cheney walks on the third floor ...

CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas - The 78-year-old lawyer wounded by Vice President Dick Cheney in a hunting accident suffered a mild heart attack Tuesday after a shotgun pellet in his chest traveled to his heart, hospital officials said.

 

Harry Whittington was immediately moved back to an intensive care unit and will be watched for a week to make sure more pellets do not move to other vital organs. He was reported in stable condition.

 

Whittington suffered a "silent heart attack" _ an irregular heartbeat, but without the classic heart-attack symptoms of pain and pressure, according to doctors at Christus Spohn Hospital Corpus Christi-Memorial.

 

The doctors said they decided to treat the situation conservatively and leave the pellet alone rather than operate to remove it. They said they are extremely optimistic Whittington will recover and live a healthy life with the pellet left in place.

 

Asked whether the pellet could move farther into his heart and become fatal, hospital officials said that was a hypothetical question they could not answer.

 

Hospital officials said they were not concerned about the six to 200 other pieces of birdshot that might still be lodged in Whittington's body. Cheney was using 7 1/2 shot from a 28-gauge shotgun. Shotgun pellets are typically made of steel or lead; the pellets in 7 1/2 shot are just under a tenth of an inch in diameter.

 

Cheney watched the news conference where doctors described Whittington's complications. Then the vice president called him, wished him well and asked if there was anything that he needed.

 

"The vice president said that he stood ready to assist. Mr. Whittington's spirits were good, but obviously his situation deserves the careful monitoring that his doctors are providing," the vice president's office said in a statement.

 

Cheney, an experienced hunter, has not spoken publicly about the accident, which took place Saturday night while the vice president was aiming for a quail. Critics of the Bush administration called for more answers from the Cheney himself.

 

The furor over the accident and the White House delay in making it public are "part of the secretive nature of this administration," said Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid of Nevada. "I think it's time the American people heard from the vice president."

 

Hospital officials said they knew that Whittington had some birdshot near his heart and that there was a chance it could move closer since scar tissue had not had time to harden and hold the pellet in place.

 

After Whittington developed an irregular heartbeat, doctors performed a cardiac catheterization, in which a thin, flexible tube is inserted into the heart, to diagnose his condition, said Peter Banko, the administrator at the hospital.

 

The shot was either touching or embedded in the heart muscle near the top chambers, called the atria, officials said. Two things resulted:

 

_It caused inflammation that pushed on the heart in a way to temporarily block blood flow, what the doctors called a "silent heart attack." This is not a traditional heart attack where an artery is blocked. They said Whittington's arteries, in fact, were healthy.

 

_It irritated the atria, caused an irregular heartbeat known as atrial fibrillation, which is not immediately life-threatening. But it must be treated because it can spur blood clots to form. Most cases can be corrected with medication.

 

White House physicians helped advise on the course of treatment, hospital officials said.

 

Texas officials said the shooting was an accident and no charges were brought against the vice president.

 

A Texas Parks and Wildlife Department report issued Monday said Whittington was retrieving a downed bird and stepped out of the hunting line he was sharing with Cheney. "Another covey was flushed and Cheney swung on a bird and fired, striking Whittington in the face, neck and chest at approximately 30 yards," the report said.

[Dr_Flash_Amazing]

the WMD pictogram above resembles a fat legless rabbit.

 

Someone's been test-toking from the experimental Cobra-brand medical marijuana stash!

[Dru]

See attach!

[Dr_Flash_Amazing]

All your fat, legless bunny are belong to us!

[HappyCamper]

I was reading about the Cheney incident today and how beers may have been consumed, but noticed that he had 2 DWI's in the 60's in Wyoming.

 

Which got me thinking, how drunk do you have to be in Wyoming in the 60's to get arrested for drunk driving? I thought if you could keep the truck sort-of between the lines in Pong-esque fashion, you were cool.

 

To paraphrase comedian Jim Gaffigan's bit on Presiden Bush's DWI in the 60's (voice of cop) "you're drunk, you're hammered......now drive straight home."

[JayB]

This made me recall the time I sat at a dinner-table with someone who went to high-school with Dick Cheney, but I got so drunk that I can't remember what the person looked like, or when or where the dinner took place.

 

Seems like this connection between Dick Cheney an drinking might really have some legs - he could even achieve something like Kevin Bacon status in the world of alchoholic beverages.

[DirtyHarry]

Yeah, bartender, I'll take a tall Dick, er I mean a double Cheney. Oh shit, I'll just have a Bloody Lawyer, thanks.

[Dr_Flash_Amazing]

Oh shit, I'll just have a Bloody Lawyer, thanks.

 

Are you planning on shotgunning that?

[DirtyHarry]

Of course, and then wash it down with a pickled quail egg.

[Weekend_Climberz]

Gotta Love Bob, Spike, and Joe

[barjor]

Am I the only one thinking that the reason it took almost 24h to report this is because Dick was drunk, and had to sober up before talking to the police.