Bad joke time again!

[klenke]

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He just said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

 

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

 

Well, he died.

 

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

 

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

 

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

 

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

 

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[bDubyaH]

so there's a male whale and a female whale swimming along when the male whale sees a ship. he turns to the female whale and says "that's the ship that killed my father! we can't let them go, we have to get revenge"

female whale "ok. what do you propose we do?"

male whale " we'll swim underneath the ship, blow air through our blow holes which will cause the ship to roll and all those bastards will drown"

female whale " sounds good"

so they swim under the ship blow a bunch of bubbles, the ship founders and starts to sink.

male whale "that went well...oh damn the sailors are still alive they abandoned ship! we have to kill them, in the name of my father!"

female whale "how should we do that"

male whale "we'll just swim up and swallow them"

female whale "hey, i agreed to the blowjob, but there is no way i'm swallowing seamen!"

Edited December 10, 2004 by bDubyaH

[klenke]

I could see that punchwave forming a nautical mile away, but still funny. Good one.

[KaskadskyjKozak]

I could see that punchwave forming a nautical mile away, but still funny. Good one.

 

ditto - would have been better to use the word "sailors" instead of "seamen" up until the punch line...

[james_e]

One day a little boy is walking home when he happens to walk boy a brothel. The old woman who owns it is sitting on the porch. she sticks out her pinky finger and says "hey little boy" the little boy is just like wtf...

 

Next day the same thing happens. again the little boy is just like wtf...

 

For the third day in a row, the old woman sticks her pinky finger out and says "hey little boy". finally the boy asks her why she does that and she says "I saw you pissing on that tree over there and thats how big your penis is" so the little boy leaves.

 

Again....the next day the little boy is walking by the brothel when the old woman sticks her pinky finger out and says "hey little boy" so the boy walks up to her, opens his mouth as wide as he can and ssays "hey you old skank!"

[chucK]

 

Housewife 1: Ooooh look! Your husband's coming up the walk with a beautiful bouquet of flowers!

 

Housewife 2: Oh that's fucking lovely! Now I'm gonna have my legs spread all weekend.

 

Housewife 3: What's the matter? Don't you have a vase?

[klenke]

Black Testicles

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with

an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated

from a four hour operation.

 

A young nurse appears to sponge his

hands and feet.

 

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my

testicles black?"

 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know,

I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

 

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

 

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown,

holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes

a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

 

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very

slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely - are...

 

my...test...results...back?"

[EWolfe]

How do you kill a circus?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Go for the Juggler

[Wopper]

Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

 

To many cheetahs.

[glacier]

How do you kill a circus?

Gor the Juggler

 

[Off_White]

OK, so everyone knows Gandhi walked the plains of India for years, but few

know that he rarely wore shoes - this, of course, left him with blistered,

toughened feet after years of such abuse. Most also know that he was a

strict vegetarian and that, especially in his later years, his diet left him

in a weakened state more often than not. And another thing that few people

even think about is that, given the relatively poor dental hygiene practices

in India at the time, Gandhi also had chronic bad breath. All of which

combined to make him.........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.....you ready???......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

[Bogen]

[olyclimber]

I'm going to print that out and frame it.

[EWolfe]

Two men were on a rooftop in Missouri during a flood. One of them noticed a hat going back and forth on top of the water in a regular pattern. He said to his buddy, "What in the world is that?"

His buddy replied, "Oh, that's just Grandpa, he said come hell or high water he was going to mow the lawn today."

[Squid]

bump

[klenke]

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.

 

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

 

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

 

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile,

"Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

 

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined

to catch an alligator.

 

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

 

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

 

With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

 

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all

lying on their backs.

 

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent

amazement.

 

The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back.

 

Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out ...

"SHIT... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

[glacier]

So a giraffe walks into a bar, and shouts 'THE HIGHBALLS ARE ON ME'

[catbirdseat]

Did somebody let one?

[klenke]

> Pharmacology

>

> In pharmacology, all drugs have two names -- a trade name and a generic

> name. For example, the trade name Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is

> known as Naproxen, Amoxil is Amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen.

>

> The FDA has been reconsidering the generic name for Viagra. A team of

> government experts recently announced it has settled on the generic name

> of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,

> Mydixadud, Dixafix and of course Ibepokin.

>

> Pfizer Corp is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be

> available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power

> beverage, suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign

> claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a

> stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink.

>

> This additive gives a new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs

> and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new

> concoction by the name of "Mount & Do".

>

> The long-term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully

> considered. Over the past few years more money has been spent on breast

> implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's research. It is

> believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people

> wandering around with huge breasts and erections, who can't remember

> what to do with them.

>

[ketch]

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces

himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of

aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to

them, a single red rose!

 

 

 

 

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,

spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,

cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the

bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on

the

stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

 

 

 

 

 

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and

the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,

"Son... what happened last night?"

 

 

 

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke

some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran

into the door."

 

 

 

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and

breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

 

 

 

 

 

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when

she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm

married!"

 

 

 

 

 

Broken furniture -- $85.26

 

 

 

 

 

Hot Breakfast -- $4.20

 

 

 

 

Red Rose bud -- $3.00

 

 

 

 

 

Two Aspirins -- $.38

 

 

 

 

 

Saying the right thing, at the right time -- Priceless.

[fenderfour]

What did the deaf, blind, paraplegic boy get for Christmas?

 

 

 

 

Cancer

[bunglehead]

Cripple jokes..

 

A man goes to his doctor for a check up. the doctor calls him back a week later and says "Well I'm afraid I have good news and I have bad news"

So the man asks the doctor

"What's the bad news"

"You have inoperable cancer. You have 3 weeks left to live"

"Wow. Are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure"

"So what's the good news?"

"Well, you could marry an ugly woman and move to Michigan and make it seem like forever"

[NTM]

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.

 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but

don't start anything."

 

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve

food in here."

 

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:

"A beer please, and one for the road."

 

6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony

wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

 

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this

taste funny to you?"

 

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That

sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

 

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I

was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said

Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.

 

10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The

shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

 

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

 

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

 

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,

is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a

look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his

teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because

he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

 

14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5

people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my

Dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But

I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

 

15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't

find any.

 

16. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50. that he

couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too

high.'

 

17. I went to a seafood disco rave last week ... and pulled a mussel.

 

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire

in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your

kayak and heat it too.

 

19. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks

the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man.

Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

 

20. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

[NTM]

What's the difference between a climber and a golfer?

 

A golfer goes "Whack! Shit!" while a climber goes "Shit! Whack!"

[Dru]

Q) How many guides does it take to change the shit barrel at Bow Hut?

A) Nobody knows, it's never been done.

 

Q)What do ski guides and surgeons have in common.

A) They both bury thier mistakes.

 

Q) What is the difference between investment bonds and a mountain guide.

A) The bonds will eventually mature and earn money.

 

Q) What happens when a mountain guide takes Viagra?

A) He gets Taller.

 

Q) Do you know how copper wire was invented?

A) Two mountain guides found a penny at the same time.

 

Q)How do you make a small fortune guiding?

A) Start with a large one.

 

Q)What's the difference between a mountain guide and a 14" pizza?

A) The pizza can feed a family of four.

 

Q)What do you call a guide with out a girlfriend?

A) Homeless

 

 

It is late in the season and it has been a busy year. Two guides meet up at a local pub and chat over a beer. "the other day I took this guy up the East Ridge of Temple. He was so stoked by the climb all that evening I found myself up to my knees in beer" say's the young guide. The old guide takes a big swallow of beer and witha sly smile say's "I know what you mean I took this 43 year old housewife up the Cardiac Arret on the Grand Sentinal. She was so thrilled that evening I found myself up to my balls in cider"

 

Q: What's the difference between God and a Mountain Guide?

A) God doesn't think he's a Mountain Guide.

 

So I was driving home the other day in my baby blue 1975 Hillman Hunter sedan and I look out the window. There's this Kiwi Mountain Guide out in a field doing the deed to this sheep! Disgusting! So I stop, roll down the window and yell to him "Hey! In Canada we shear sheep!" He looks up at me and without disturbing his rhythm yells back "Mate, I'm not shearing this sheep with anybody!"

 

Q) How many Mountain Guides does it take to Change a light bulb?

A) Three. One to change the bulb , one get the chair and fix the rope and rigging and another to find the client to pay for the bulb and the beer.

 

Q) What do Mountain Guides use for birth control?

A) Their personalities.

 

So this mountain guide bites it in a climbing accident. Of course for all his sin's he goes to Hell. As he is Rappelling down through Hell with the Devil to his appointed station he sees this other guide whom he knows that also just cashed in his bingo chips. However he is in the arms of this gorgeous naked babe. He turns to the Devil and asks " what's up with this , how come this scumbag has this beautiful woman in his arms." The Devil turns to him and say's "Never you mind that woman's punishment is my concern".

 

Q) What do mountain guides and cow pies have in common.

A) The older they get the easier they are to pick up

 

Here's one that just came in:(hey , I don't write em, I just pass them on.) :

 

Q) What's the worst thing about sleeping with a mountain guide.

A) when he jumps up, tye's off the bed post and screams off belay.

 

You know why less than 10% of the mountain guides go to heaven.

A) any more than that and it would be Hell!

 

You know what the diffrence is between a smart mountain guide and a Yeti?

A) At least there are reported sightings of a Yeti.

 

Client hires a guide for a multi-day rock climbing adventure. He has one bad day after another. Bad weather, lack of skill keep him from getting to the top of anything until the last day, when he finally is able to complete a route. At the end of the last day, the guide says, "great working with you, that will be $1000." "Man, the client says, $1000 for one lousy route." Yeh, says the guide, "but think how much it would have been if you'd climbed them all."

 

Here's one that just came in:(hey , I don't write em, I just pass them on.) :

A mountain guide is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm, and runs into a guide buddy. "What'd ya get the case of beer for," his buddy asks.

"My girlfriend," the guide replied. "Oh. Good trade."

 

Q) You know what mountain guides and parking spaces have in common?

A) The best ones are taken and the rest are just handicaps.

 

Q) You know what mountain guides and tile floors have in common?

A) Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.

 

I

Q) What the diffrence between a mountain guide and a rooster.

A) The Rooster clucks defiance.

This had to be explained to me after several months.

"The mountain guide fucks declients"

 

New: A Glossary of Common Climbing Terms and Phrases:

A Solo Climber: One man falling alone.

A Roped Party: Several men falling simultaneously.

A Novice: Someone (often dead) who should be kept off the mountains at all costs.

A Mountain Guide: Someone who can provide Novices with a cost.

An Experienced Climber: Someone whose death was unavoidable.

An Alpine Club Member: Someone who never dies but slowly fades away.

An Alpine Veteran: Someone who has been to the Alps.

A Careful Climber: A slow climber.

A Cautious Climber: A very slow climber.

A Climbing Nut: A reckless climber.

Excerpt from ONE MAN'S MOUNTAINS by Tom Patey (except the Guide part,which is mine.)

 

Three Guides die and are at the pearly gates of Heaven.St. Peter tells them they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

 

St. Peter asks the first German Guide, "What is Easter?"

 

The Guide replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the French Guide the same question, "What is Easter?"

 

The French Guide replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.

 

"St. Peter looks at the second Guide, shakes his head in disgust,tells him he's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the Canadian Guide. He asks, "What is Easter?"

 

The Canadian Guide smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes,"I know what Easter is.""Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously."Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

 

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third Guide continues: "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

 

 

 

Three mountain guides are sitting around a campfire deciding to hold up below treeline, out on the lonesome, each with the bravado for which guides are famous. A night of tall tales begins...

 

The first guide says, "I must be the meanest, toughest guide there is. Why, just the other day, an ornery bull elk got loose in Banff and gored six tourists before I wrestled him to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

 

The second guide, not to be outdone, boasted: "Why that's nothin'. I was climbing in Skaha walking the trail yesterday and a 15 foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that varmint with my bare hands, bit it's head off, and sucked the poison right out of my arm. And I'm still here today."

 

 

The third guide remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.