The Stupidest Thing You've Ever Heard Climbing

[Geek_the_Greek]

J-Tree, circa 1996:

 

I had just led the first pitch (?) of Buisonnier, a straightforward 5.7 crack. I was in the process of equalizing my 4-point gear anchor at the anchor ledge when this guy comes up out of nowhere beside me wearing running shoes and trailing a rope from his harness. He had scrambled up a ~4th/low 5th class gully beside me.

He took one look at me in my helmet, fat rack, and complicated anchor deal and scoffed "Holy safety, dude!".

Then he took the one runner he had off his neck, slung a flake with it, clipped a (non-locking) biner to it as well as his rope, and lowered himself hand over hand down his gully.

After I had belayed my partner up our route, this guy's buddy shows up after having been belayed up the gully.

"What do I do now?", he asks us. I didn't know what to say. I suggested he ask his belayer friend.

We got the hell out of there....

[MATT_B]

A guy walks into the gym I'm working at and checks out a harness. He wanders off and gets ready to climb. We watch as he strugels to put the harness on . . . backwards. Once he gets the thing on he wanders over to the rope but can't figure out how to tie in. Before he can get tied in and off the ground I walk over and ask if he needed a hand. He said he has done this plenty of times before and there must be something wrong with his harness. So I point to the back of his harness and say "see this loop back here that says 'tie in here' it should be in the front."

[IMAM]

4 of us are out at Exit 38 a couple months ago (3 guys, 1 girl) . We had a couple of ropes up and were all standing around talking for a second. The sole female ties into one of the ropes and proclaims in a serious voice, "who wants to do me?" (meaning who wants to belay). The 3 of us almost died laughing and then she realized what she had said. Needless to say that is a common phrase now.

[Winter]

A buddy and I were bivied on the foot of the Adams Glacier preparing for the N. Face of the NW Ridge the next morning. Two guys some stumbling out of nowhere. One guy has huge rips in his bib and they are missing axes. The story is that they took a couple of nasty falls on the N. Face. We ask them where they are from - "Florida." Then they look down at our gear, and ask "what are those?" "Uhh ... pickets."

[Thinker]

At City of Rocks, ID a couple of months ago my gf and I were finished climbing for the day, heading back to camp. I spotted a guy really running out a climb nearby and suggested we watch him for a bit. The kid was on an unbolted face, about 5.8, about 50 feet above the deck, trailing a rope, with no pro in (there was really no place to put pro on that face). The other end of the rope was being held, yes 'held', by a young lady who was not wearing a harness.

 

hmmm, I thought. About that time the climber shouted down, "Do you see any bolts around here?" Thinking he was being a smart ass free-soloer (there were a few of them posing for pics on Bath Rock the day before) I shouted up, "Yeah, about 100 feet to your left."

 

He asked, "Do you think I can make it over there?"

 

Still thinking he was goofing I said, "Sure, you can do anything! right?"

 

Something didn't feel right, so I asked the girl at the bottom of the climb if he was really joking around. She said, "No, he's really scared."

 

Oh Fuck! "Hold on dude, I'm coming."

 

dumped our packs, racked up a few cams, and started up the 5.6 crack about 15 ft to his left, talking to him all the way. At the anchors I tossed him down a figure 8 on a bite with a locker he could clip into. When he got up to the anchor slings he asked, "Is this what you call a rescue?"

 

Reply, "It's not a really rescue unless they bring in a helicopter."

 

"I'll bet you think I'm really stupid...."

 

"Well, at least you're alive..."

 

We set his rope as a toprope and rapped down. At the bottom we noted that their group of 4 had a total of 2 harnesses, 4 biners, 2 slings, and one grigri.

 

My gf showed him a quick draw and asked if he had any of them. He said, "No, I should really get some of those."

 

Needless to say, we beat a hasty retreat and didn't look back.

 

Tragically, an experienced Seattle climber named Kim fell and died that same day at The City.

 

[ 08-07-2002, 04:58 PM: Message edited by: Thinker ]

[fern]

I was hiking counterclockwise on a circuit trail most people hike clockwise and encountered a completely baffled looking person who said 'You're doing it backwards'. I overheard a guy enthusiastically telling his friends how the Split Pillar on the Grand Wall waves back and forth in the wind.

[texplorer]

The Classic:

So you have one of them bolt guns?

[ILuvAliens]

Climbing at Vantage we got in to a conversation with a belayer on the route next to us. When we hear: "Dude could you throw me up some draws." WTF! We all look up, climber is on the third bolt with nothing to clip in with. His partner then convinces him to take a fall. Twenty foot ripper. Good Times!

[jhamaker]

Actual comments left on USFS registration sheets and comment cards by hikers finishing *wilderness* camping trips.

 

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please Call."

 

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

 

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

 

"Too many bugs, leeches, spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of htese pests."

 

My personal favorite:

"Need more signs to keep the area pristine."

 

"The coyotes made too musch noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

[hikerwa]

"WE GOT AVIED OFF THE NORTH FACE OF SHUKSAN"

 

-REDMONK

 

LOSER.

[krazy_1]

Ok I got one...

 

I was over in the Icicle just the other weekend going to work on a solo route, there were two other climbers coming off the route I wanted to go up. So I waited set my anchor, got on the rope was about ready to climb... the guy said "So what do you think about this idea?... I have never done any soloing, but I thought that if I could use my pack as an anchor and used like a grigri to belay with and just let the grigri fall through the rope as I went up,... it would should work... right?" my response was..."even if the pack was heavy enough to slightly anchor you, do you have any idea what the hell would happen if you fell? - lets think about it, your pack weights X amount, you weight 200+ pounds (this guy was freaking tall)......... the volocity of that fall would be so great ............." we just looked at each other, i went on my way up the wall, the dumbass ..... i don't freaking care where he went.

[payaso]

Not climbing oriented, but when I used to drive tours all over I would get some pretty fucking dumb questions!

 

In Canada (Rockies): "Who plants all these trees?" Asked by a Brit.

At Lake Powell: "Is it low tide?"

At the Grand Canyon: Me; "Showers are $1 for 5 minutes." Them; "How long is a 5 minute shower?" Me; "Oh, somewhere between 4 and 6 minutes." total deadpan, they never got it.

[Dave_Schuldt]

When I was at the UW rock some dude who was watching me climb said "Become one with the rock, dude". I ignored him and kept going.

[Dru]

Recently me and bro were gonna crank at Back Of the Lake so we racked up in the parking lot (dumb). Of course some tourons stopped to look but one couple started trying to talk.

 

THEM: "Oh!"

THEM: " Are you going to stay out overnight"

ME: "No."

THEM: "You have pretty small pack!"

ME: (wishing they would go away) "Yup"

HER: (proudly pointing at Him): "he used to do this... many many years ago."

ME: "Too bad you stopped"

HIM: "Oh too old now."

HIM: "What are these for?" (looking at rack of cams)

ME: (figuring I would have sum fun since they weren't moving on) :"Fight off bears."

THEM: "Fight off bears?"

ME: "Yes!"

THEM: "Oh - really?"

ME: "Yes, bears are Dangerous!"

HIM: (skeptical) "Really? I didnt see bears!"

ME: (sad) "Sir, bears have killed ten of my partners!"

HIM: "Ooooooh - 10 partners!! Dead!!" (big eyes). "Why different sizes?"

ME: "Bears are different sizes!"

HER: "You hit them with those?"

ME: "Yes. And put in the mouth to stop biting!"

HER: "Well I hope you don't hurt them..."

ME: "Oh, not fatally - just enough to make them stop attacking!"

THEM: (pretty impressed by how dangerous climbing is) "Well - bye bye!"

ME: waving

PARTNER: sitting in the Subaru putting shorts on, has turned purple from choking back his laughter...

[jon]

DRU THAT IS SO FREAKIN HILARIOUS!!!!

[horsecock]

for Dru!

 

[Cairns]

The stupidest thing I've ever heard climbing? Me laughing at the warning signs.

 

Entering Huntington's Ravine on Mt. Washington, NH, sign on huge boulder says, "Warning: The area you are about to enter has some of the worst weather in the world. If you are not fully prepared, turn back now." I laugh, walk around the boulder, and get blown flat on my ass.

 

Recently in Arches Nat'l Park, many signs that warn about how it is easier to climb up than down. I laugh, climb an arch, and nearly die on the way down because I can't see my footholds.

 

Andy Cairns

[Dru]

if'n Capt. Caveman was not off in the Ramparts with Dennis Harmon and Fred Beckey (I laugh just thinking of that trio) he could give you some advice about how to climb when you can't see your feet....

[freeclimb9]

advice given to a climber sketched out 10' above his pro (a bolt on a slabby face) by his partners: "JUMP!"

He did. I think he broke the ankle he damaged in the fall.

[mattp]

I've seen sport-trained climbers employ that jump technique with the result being pulling a stopper because they caused an outward pull rather than downward. Old habits die hard, I guess. (They probably laugh at me when I try to downclimb a sport route after starting to get the shakes rather than simply jumping off.)

[gschryer2]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Attitude:

Speaking of

Canada and guns

....

---

That IS hillarious... especially since my Dad was on the first crew on that ship when they transported it from Halifax (where it was built) to Victoria (in about 1996).

 

I am sending him the link for kicks. Thanks.

[Dru]

Canada has a Navy... we have 3 whole oceans to patrol with our 8 ships!!!

 

As a matter of fact we have an overwhelming naval superiority over countries such as Switzerland, Bolivia, Slovakia and Mongolia... cause they are all landlocked

[Dave_Schuldt]

A few more.

Guy at Little Si, after see my stoppers and cams said "I don't like trad gear, it's so limiting, having all that stuff hanging off you"

I thought to myself "This dude is realy limited himself to Little Si and the like, how boring".

 

Maybe this guy is related to Dr Flash Amazing.

 

Yesterday at the UW rock I overheard a touron say "I wonder how much it costs to climbb there?"

[Jens]

I overheard a dude talking on his sattelite phone at the windy corner on Denali,

 

"What do you mean you can't find the mayo? It should be in the drawer below the crisper. And also, the relish should be in the bottom drawer."

 

He was giving directions to the person that was housesitting his apartment during his climb. The housesitter was trying to make a sandwich and was having trouble finding stuff in the climber's crowded fridge. I think the call was going fom Denali to California?

[icegirl]

L.A. probably...