Attending a Memorial vs. Climbing

[ryland_moore]

I am struggling with what society and friends are telling me and what I feel is best for me. One of my good friends and old roomate was killed in a traffic accident coming back from the High Sierra Music Festival in Quincy on Monday and friends want to get together to remember him and have a party in his honor. However, all I want to do is escape and run, and the best place for me to gte my head clear is to go to the mountains and climb. My girlfriend says she will lose respect for me by doing this and that other people will think I don't care about what happened.

 

Any of you been in a similar situation? I just feel my head can clear when I get up climbing and I can make this "weight" I am feeling evaporate, at least for a short period of time. Climbing affords me to clear my thoughts and is the only time everything feels really clear, whether it be life, a career, hard decisions that I need to make, or even dealing with the oss of a loved one. Sorry for the downer, but looking for some perspective. Thanks.

[sayjay]

Ryland,

Really sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. I lost a few people in a relatively short time period a few years ago and in retrospect I wish I had taken more time after each loss. So my answer to you is this: go to the memorial service on the weekend, and take off a couple of days from work and hit the mountains then. The loss of a good friend is certainly reason enough to take time off work, if that's at all an option.

for your buddy:

[vegetablebelay]

I'd go with Sayjay's plan to save the fragile respect your girlfriend has for you.

[minx]

he should make the right decision for himself regardless of what his girlfriend thinks he should do. notice: i said the right decision NOT an easy decision. This is his loss to deal with.

[allthumbs]

Ryland,

Sorry...like you, I'd opt to celebrate your friend's life in whatever way YOU deem appropriate. Fuck tradition and those that don't walk to the beat of a different drummer. Follow your heart.

- trask

[Stefan]

My recommendation: Go to the memorial. Then go climbing.

 

At the memorial you will probably hear other people talk about your friend in the same manner as you thought of him--those are nice thoughts.

[hikerwa]

Go the memorial.

 

Then go climbing.

 

I think that hanging out with a bunch of friends and hearing stories is more therapeutic than you may realize. The memorial is not primarily for your friend, but is for his friends, and you, to console and help each other through this time.

 

sorry for your loss...

 

It is only for one night. After that head out to the hills and do what you need to do.

 

 

[sayjay]

to clarify, my reasoning for going both to the memorial service and to the mountains is not to satisfy what others think you should do, but because i think you would find both of value. and even if the memorial service wasn't helpful, you'd only be delaying going into the mountains for a day...

 

[Figger_Eight]

I'm sorry to hear of your loss Ryland. Running to the mountains to clear your head might be your first instinct (it was mine), but if you go to the memorial you'll be surrounded by people who have shared the same loss, and you'll be there to support them as well. Do this for no one other than yourself. You don't need to stay for the whole thing, but you might be surprised as to how healing it might be.

[Rodchester]

My recommendation: Go to the memorial. Then go climbing.

 

I agree. It is about you ... but it is also about your other friends too. You need to heal, but they do as well. Having everyone together lets everyone know that you are there not only for your deceased frind, but for those that are still around. Maybe one day you'll need them.

 

A hard choice....one that is your's and your's alone.

 

[robertjoy]

Let me get this straight... You are traumatized by your friend's sudden death, and rather than attend his wake along with the community of all his friends and loved ones, you feel the wake might cause YOU additional pain, and you'd prefer to escape this additional fraction of sorrow by climbing. Wow. Skipping out would dishonor both your dead friend, and the community of his friends. A wake is not individual therapy dude, it is a ritual which REQUIRES A GROUP OF FRIENDS. Refusing to attend would be very insensitive, and you would gain nothing compared to the valid disrespect of your friends.

[vegetablebelay]

Life is for the living Robertjoy and each of us deals with grief in our own way.

[RobBob]

No it's not. One of the obligations you have in life if you want to be a stand-up friend is to honor the dead. This is a no-brainer.

 

Go to the memorial. It's not about you---it's about your friend. Then do what you want to do.

 

[ryland_moore]

I don't think the memorial would cause me additional pain. I think that the wake may not allow me to fully have a chance to clear my head and appreciate all that my friend brought to the world. Maybe reflecting wqith friends is a good way to cope with this. But I know that until I get into the mountains, I will not have a free time to clear my head and deal with all of the clutter and feelings I have regarding the incident. I will probably do both. This is not all about me, but is a way I deal with things. I internalize feelings when it comes to death, and this is my way of coping. I will remember my friend no matter what I do and he will always hold a special place within me. As for the others, we each have our own way of dealing. Some are confused, some totally hystarical, and some quiet. If I truly want to be able to remember my friend, it will be done on a summit in a beautiful place and not at a memorial sitting around drinking a beer in his name. That may help my friends cope and will bring back good, tough memories, and is maybe a reason to be there- for them, but as for me remembering my friend, it won't help. As a side note, my friend was driving out of his way coming back to Portland so that he could be on the eastern side of Mt. Shasta. along Highway 89. If he had taken the straight way home, he would have been on I-5. I am sure that honoring and remembering him in both ways is the way to go. Thanks for all of your input.

[j_b]

wow! i am with VB all the way. celebrating life in your own way is the important thing here. Ryland, it sounds like your only problem is having your girlfriend accept your way of dealing with a great loss.

[allthumbs]

j_b said:

wow! i am with VB all the way. celebrating life in your own way is the important thing here. Ryland, it sounds like your only problem is having your girlfriend accept your way of dealing with a great loss.

wow, I agree with j_b - will wonders never cease?

[RobBob]

I'm not even gonna read your logic ryland. I say that not trying to be harsh, but wanting to give commonsense advice that I'd want given to me.

 

Funerals, weddings, other symbolic functions are part of being human and showing support for other peoples' lives. There is a reason why these institutions exist. Twenty years from now, unless you are hiding behind ego-defenses, you will feel like a schmuck for not going. Go!!

[hikerwa]

I couldn't agree more with robbob.

 

It's a small amount of time to give up for other people who are grieving as well. I can appreciate the time that you will need by yourself, but RB is right, if you don't go, your other friends will be offended.

 

[fern]

two friends of mine died this past spring. I chose not to

attend the large essentially public memorial that was held

soon after, and I don't regret that decision at all and

none of my friends thought less of me for doing so. At a

later time another smaller group gathered again and for me

the extra weeks prepared me to deal with the experience in

a group situation.

 

Everybody's grief schedule is different I think.

 

But I think whether you do or don't want to go to a memorial

service is a different question from what activity you would

pursue during the time of the memorial. Among many

non-climbers the act of climbing, especially solo climbing

is viewed as an extremely selfish one. And for you to

declare to your friends that you would rather spend the

memorial time climbing alone rather than being with them

and sharing ... well of course that looks selfish and

disrespectful.

[allthumbs]

why is so much emphasis placed on friendship? screw what other people think. please yourself and justify your motives to no one.

[Dan_Petersen]

When dealing with death, it is important to remember we are not really alone while we are here. It is definitely okay to escape to the mountains, but also think of your mutual friends trying to cope with the same tragedy. Your presence will mean something to the living who come together to remember the dead. What you may accomplish is to provide the same relief to someone else by being there that you will gain by going to the mountains later.

 

I am sorry for your loss. Take care.

[Dwayner]

No disrespect or unkindness intended, my friend, but the last place I'd seek personal advice regarding such a choice is from a bunch of anonymous chumps on a climbing internet site, myself included. The issue is really between you, your girlfriend and your other friends. They are the people whom your decision will impact and these are the ones you might choose to consult. Or some very trusted friends.

good luck.

[chelle]

trask said:

why is so much emphasis placed on friendship? screw what other people think. please yourself and justify your motives to no one.

 

In general I think living life without worrying about what others think is a good idea. But the reality is we do need friends and family in our lives to support us when the chips are down and help us deal with the shit life throws around. The flipside is they need us too. We're social creatures and like someone else said the rituals we have serve a purpose for the group, not necessarily the individuals.

 

Trask if you truly don't need anybody in your life, I'm sorry for you. You're missing out... Or you're one of those exceptions that leads a solitary life and enjoys it.

[kitten]

ehmmic said:

trask said:

why is so much emphasis placed on friendship? screw what other people think. please yourself and justify your motives to no one.

 

In general I think living life without worrying about what others think is a good idea. But the reality is we do need friends and family in our lives to support us when the chips are down and help us deal with the shit life throws around. The flipside is they need us too. We're social creatures and like someone else said the rituals we have serve a purpose for the group, not necessarily the individuals.

 

[Redoubt]

Ryland, if I were feeling the way you do, I'd ask myself which "wrong" decision would cause me the greater regret: Going to the memorial and feeling afterwards that I should have gone climbing instead, or going climbing and feeling afterwards that I should have gone to the memorial instead.

 

My own answer would be that I have one chance to go to this particular memorial, and much more flexibility as far as when I can get away for my preferred memorial in the mountains. I'd go to the memorial and save myself from even the possibility of feeling bad later about missing it.