A joke, for the hell of it...

[allthumbs]

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball."

Man- "That's nice."

Boy- "Want to buy it?"

Man- "No, thanks."

Boy- "My dad's outside."

Man- "OK, how much?"

Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."

Man- "Yes, it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy- "$750."

Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy- "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that again."

[rodeo]

Oh Yeah. Got's to bring dis one back to da top for a bit.

Too funny.....

[RURP]

This is RURP.

The joke for the day:

What's the difference between capitalism and communism?

In capitalism, man exploits man.

In communism, it is the other way around.

RURP has spoken.

[allthumbs]

RURP, where can I get somma that gnarly shit you be smokin'? Sick!!!

[ 02-09-2002: Message edited by: trask ]

[schlangeschmecker]

Ya, Vhat's dee difference between a whore in church und a housevife in ze tub? Vell, ze whore in church has got HOPE in her SOUL. Und....

[Dru]

"What do you get if you cross a rooster with a DeLorean? I dont know but it sure sells in LA."

[avypoodle]

How did the Redneck find his sister in the woods?

Pretty good

[Dru]

"In any part of the country but Louisiana, it would more properly be called a 'teethbrush'"

[ 02-01-2002: Message edited by: Dru ]

[mr._happy]

kid comes home from school one day and says to dad,"dad, i need to know the difference between 'hypothetically' and 'realistically' for school."

"okay, son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with another man for one million dollars."

so kid goes upstairs and asks his mom. lo and behold, she says "yes."

kid tells his dad and so then dad says,"okay, son, now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a man for one million dollars."

so kid goes upstairs and asks his sister. sure enough, she too says, "yes."

dad says to kid,"so you see, son, HYPOTHETICALLY we're sittin on top of two million dollars. but REALISTICALLY we're living with a couple of whores."

[Bronco]

>An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long

illness. The

doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy

in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have

the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a

month."

>

>Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid

character, managed to compose himself and walk from the

doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son

who had been waiting.

>

>Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good

and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case,

things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a

short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few

pints."

>

>After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less

somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were

eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who

asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that

the Irish celebrate the good and the bad...He went on to tell

them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his

friends "I've only got few weeks to live as I have been

diagnosed with AIDS."

>

>The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a

couple more

beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and

whispered his

confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from

cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from

AIDS!"

>

>Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want

any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

[dr._jay]

why do canadians like to have sex doggy style?

so they can both watch hockey

[moron]

And because you have a good place to set your beer down.

[Dru]

SO WE DON'T FALL OUT OF THE CANOE

[RURP]

This is RURP.

RURP has a joke. Hillary Clinton and Bill are walking in the woods. Hillary has to pee so she heads over to the edge of a bluff overlooking the water. Bill says hurry up. Hillary squats and after a minute of contemplation, Hillary she says can't do it because there is canoe down below in the water. Bill says: "Nonsense...that's not a canoe, that's your reflection in the water!"

RURP has spoken.

[Dru]

reminds me - how is Budweiser like sex in a canoe? they are both fucking close to water!

[Bob_Clarke]

Subject: Where Enron Learned Economics,

A concrete truck driver moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." "Well, then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." "OK, then. Just unload the donkey." "What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the readi-mix driver and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

"Didn't anyone complain?" Just the guy who won, so I gave him his two dollars back.

[specialed]

What does Erik say after sex?

"Get off me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes!"

[ 02-07-2002: Message edited by: specialed ]

[ 02-07-2002: Message edited by: specialed ]

[erik]

okay okay i got one:

'specialed'

thank you thank you please hold your applause!

[Dru]

Dude in Boulder has to take a pee test for work, and he partakes of the chronic hydroponic, so he's worried. So he buys some "drug free urine" from a local convent of nuns that he saw the ad for in the back of the Boulder People's Republic Weekly News and manages to deposit his sample in the cup without people noticing he's dumping it out of a hydration bladder with the tube running down to his fly under his shirt.

So 2 weeks later he gets a phone call "Yes Mr. Jones we have good news and bad news. Good news is you are drug free. Bad news is, you're pregnant!"

[specialed]

why would a nun be pregnant?

[pope]

For three years I tried to get my wife pregnant. My doctor finally said, "Turn on the lights, and try a different hole."

[ 02-08-2002: Message edited by: pope ]

[allthumbs]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!"

[willstrickland]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks,

"What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.

Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the

Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.

The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics

is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,

the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit"

[Bronco]

After getting all his luggage loaded in the limo, and His Holiness doesn'ttravel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on thecurb.

"Hey, Mr. Pope," says the driver in accented English. "Why have you notseated yourself in this excellent limo?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive atthe Vatican and I'd really like to drive."

"That is very much against the rules!" protests the driver, wishing he'dnever left Calcutta.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope gets in behind thewheel. He quickly regrets his decision when, after clearing the airport,the Pope accelerates the limo to 105 mph.

"Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleads the worried driver,but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal. Then they hear the siren.

"Oh, my gosh, now I am surely losing my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches,but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets onthe radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatch.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limogoing a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean, really, a big shot," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."

"Governor?"

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

"I don't know", said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him."

[Fairweather]

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?