ivan Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Trip: smiffistani rawks - der monkey-mordwand - west face Date: 2/15/2009 Trip Report: First Hibernal Freak Ascent Photos (except the 1stIvan took it and T messed wit it) and Videos by Chez Tvash Tvash on pitch 4 the week's ration of adventure had ominious undertones at the beginning - tvash and me's GQ photo-shoot on yocums ridge was called off after the photographer called up and bitched about snow and fog and whatnot fucking w/ his lenses - demands for hard currency on the barrel-head and my dabbling in child-slavery still pending -hmmmm...back to the drawing board - well, tvash's done practically no aiding since before the first clinton administration and i'm planning on climbing the capitan in californication-land this july - what better way to tune-up than to freeze our asses off on an endless bolt ladder in hibernal smiffistan? the plan was near perfect, but to really give it the nelson touch we threw in my boy mike as a third, several thousand ounces of fosters (it's austraaaaliann for budweiiiser!), a couple of cans of corn n' chicken cowder, two packs of dromerdary-approved carcinogens and a bakers dozen of my dear wife's mutant blueberry/chocholate chip/dried cherry muffins in a bombproof tupperware case still, things can never can smoothly - tvash was abducted and waterboarded by 45 n'er'dowells while trying to convert them to the Godless ACLU Brain-Washing Agenda - i had advised him against dealing w/ any teenager interested in educational enterprises on a saturday, but its a well documented fact that that whiskey-tango motherfucker just won't HEED - so, after sodomizing him w/ a copy of the koran and the latest victoria's secret cataloge they dumped his presumably lifeless corpse at a 24 hour diner in pdx where a motley crew of strippers and meth-heads provided him with first aid and other special favors - his call came in at 5 a.m. that he wouldn't be at the rendozvous on time, so i threw my shit in the car w/ a gallon of black coffee and sped of to fetch mike and relocate our auras over the river in fabled or-e-gon the scene shifted to the flying j where they were practically giving away cigarrettes - i stashed most of them in my trunk in a pathetic attempt at rationing - pat had recovered well enough to drive his car and so, with a little help from an i-phone, we turned our helm hard to starboard and clapped on a full press of canvas towards government camp and beyond infinity! mike tried to sleep in the back-seat, and furiously vexed by this open sign of disloyalty, i loudly plumbed tvash's knowledge of obscure early 19th century nautical terminology (i had to as i was then 6 hours into a cold-turkey withdrawal from the patrick o'brian series and the monkey was carrying a sledgehammer high on my back - it was plum necessary i put the book down for awhile though - after tearing through 2 1/2 thousand pages in a little more than a month (as well as something like 30 gallons of a mixture of port/madeira/burgundy) and with another 3k more to go before maturin and aubrey can finally have the gay-sex required to bring the whole fucking enterprise to a just conclusion, i needed to give my brain a chance to breath) slow driving - snow in the sky and road - the miles creeped by - the descent into warm springs entailed more danger then merely being scalped or casino-plundered - the ostentiously remodeled safeway in madras another unwelcome site - can't madras just stay shitty? and now they wanna put a taco bell in firfuksakes?!? at the parking lot we pondered our crime - overnighting is verboten in the park of course, but based on the amount of neon green signage concerning dog-shit, i felt The Man would be indisposed - tvash and mike insisted on at least honoring the spirit of the law and actually paid the day use and campground bivy fee while i enjoyed the fantastic great leap forward made in the bathroom since my last visit (heat, a flush toilet and a urinal that doesn't cause a 50% splashback effect - holy shit!) at this point, if you're still reading this stream of conciousness hate-fuck speech thing i'm doing, i would have you question your life, your priorities and a number of other things and press on down to the pictures, but in all likelihood you've already done this and i'm just fucking talking to myself - anyhow... the trek up n' over misery ridge was just that, but for an added bonus throw in a 100 lb haulbag and super slick snow conditions on the backside (in addition to the fact that tvash's recent back-surgery (did i mention i got to change the yellowed dressing that against all the laws of nature was still partly stuck to the hair-jungle he calls his back?) and mike's recent hernia-surgery meant they got to carry practically nothing while i did the dirty work) monkey face always impresses, more so maybe when its covered in snow and wreathed in fog ("gorillas in the mist niggazzzzzz!!!) - we got squared away at the base and the crazy-train began its climb - greedily of course i wanted the first pitch, but i always leave mike getting the aid-belay suck and i figured he's more in need of practice then me anyhow, so i was willing to settle for the endless bolt ladder - mike made the rope go up and in a few mercurial days ended up at the anchor, hauled the pig and made fast for us the sun had deigned fit to shine its weak rays on us, enough so that before jugging i decided to switch over into my alpine superhero cape-mode i flailed miserably back in the fall when seconding geoff on pipeline out at beacon, and in the interim i'd seen another way of jugging that i found worked like a charm - my rei-duckets bought me my first jumar and a gri-gri and those and a pulley slayed Mike on pitch 1 Clusterfuck Mike on pitch 1 Mike and Ivan on pitch 1 Mike and Ivan on pitch 1 Ivan jugging pitch 1 i got the second pitch, the interminable bolt ladder and i enjoyed it thoroughly for what it is - a brainless way to go up an insanely steep chunk of stone at a remarkably rapid rate - kinda an outdoor musuem too, given the 30 generations of bolts that appear to have been placed, oddly chopped/smashed, then replaced - for a mammoth human being like myself, the spacing is laughably easy and i rarely needed to get even into the third step of my etriers - to give the aid-dicky to mike, i was sure to only clip every 5th bolt Mike jugging pitch 2 Haul bag in space it appears that w/ a 70 meter rope you can actually get into the west face cave? i wasn't sure, but at any rate the haul line was only a 60 - i skipped the first belay station as it lacked a decent ledge and pushed on to the next, which as mentioned in a previous tr is in fact so rigged that it makes attaining the anchor bitchy - luckily i had recently made a half-assed stick clip out of spare pinball parts lying around my garage and was able to make it work we'd dicked around for long enough (in no small way my fault as i had a hard time rigging the haul and fixed lines on the 2 closley spaced anchor bolts) that it was clear we wouldn't be reaching the cave till dark - no worries - i put on my headlamp and while pat stayed at the lower anchor, mike belayed me as i surmounted the steps in an etheral setting - drunken teenagers across the river screeched and hooted like demented capuchin darwin-dads as mist swirled and swooped in the crepuscular gloaming - at the last bolt, where the mandatory choss placements sapped my confidence, i looked down to see in the dark my compatriots two bobbing headlamps, and suddenly infused with the power of mao zedong thought, i stormed into the commodious cave to find the Mother of All Pimp Stations holy fuck the west face cave is stupendous! the entire swedish bikini team and their fucking tubs and all the prophalatics likely required to underwrite such an venture could all easily be accomdated...as the night turned into a complete white out we hung our gear from the dozens of bolts overhead and moved into the anasazi castle that has been constructed there, deep in the cranium of The Kong - the chowder was produced and cooked - the meaning of the word "chunder" was contemplated and discussed, the defintive definiton ultimately derived from drunken versions of "the land down under" and "i'm gonna be 500 miles" artlessly thundered out by your friend and humble narrator, already dangerously hard pressed with a charge of australian beer and bad american cigarrettes - undaunted, i progressed into my merlot and made cruel work of my goddamn ham-sammy - ensconced in the -20 sleeping bag on a bed of ropes and fine sand, i wondered if, like in a miller light commericial, could it possibly get any better than this? Cave panorama Mike all warm and cozy a ghetto blaster was produced - mike's indestructible random was shifted through and ultimaly dispensed in favor of my own trite tunes - i tried, futiley, to impress upon the crew the deep and abiding coolness of morphine and tori amos, but failing, found common ground w/ the pogues and chieftians and even a little canadian bluegrass having managed to piss out most of the small lake i'd consumed in alcohol, i settled in for the night - the acoustics of the extraordinary accomodation wrecked havoc on my senses - i clapped on headphones to drown out the snoring, but i was informed the next morning that i was the offender - ah well. given that it was a new day, we thought tvash needed to pop his aid-lead cherry - what better way than on a ridiciously overhanging bolt ladder with 400 feet of exposure? he trimphed however and it made for fine photography - while the boys were at this august task, i kept warm by adding to the castle's walls Tvash on pitch 4 Ivan and Mike from pitch 4 the summit was covered in snow and puddles - i jugged alongside the pig and we enjoyed the cloud-ambiance - our descent was easy enough, despite the haulbag - everyone knows the virtue of the monkey's fantastic giant overhanging rap, but it was amplified by the snow-crusted slopes at the bottom - getting the gear to the trail switchback required more advanced motor-skill coordination than ordinarily i can muster Mike topping out The Big Rap Swinger Bootcam the trip complete, we wandered back to the car as contrite sinners can, mindful of somethign that since i have lost but i'm sure must have been awfully meaningful at the time - famished, we plundered madras - i ran a savage burn on burger king while pat, outraged at the bald-faced lies of a local octogenirian, had to settle for fare from mickey-d's, where he found that his car critically lacks an ice-cream cone holder - somewhere past warms springs i drifted away into a cold, laconic place that even camels could not touch, but satisfied with our adventure de jour, feebly made plans for the next great outing, the one where i find god and tvash fills the void that violates the moral code of most first world nations - in short, we set ourselves up for the next strange trip, whenever that maybe [video:youtube]WE2_aE6ez34 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miker Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 That piece of rock is just amazing. Following the overhang with every fourth bolt clipped was the suck as it was almost impossible to unclip a bolt while hanging from it. But hey were learning here. The cave though was an amazing destination with a view to infinity, when not socked in by fogginess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
billcoe Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 You fuckers! Great stuff there, the writing alone damn near gets me off. Holy sh*t. , if you're still reading this stream of conciousness hate-fuck speech thing i'm doing, i would have you question your life, your priorities and a number of other things and press on down to the pictures, but in all likelihood you've already done this and i'm just fucking talking to myself - anyhow... Are you yanking my chain? The story just keeps getting better 'n better! I almost built me a campfire right here to go with the alcholhol I'm consuming as greedily as yer yarn Arrrgggg! Now about yer speed:-) Das Kapitan Ja? Yur running about a 2 day trip to get to Sickle yarrrgggg.!!!!!!Things speed up in the warmth, but yer need to get yer speed on. The first pitch gets done in under a half hour with out much sweat. I did just under 30 min last spring, which would have normally been a cause celbre' except my old buddy Andrew did it in 25 min. I only console myself in that I didn't take as many biners and had to unclip gear and cornsolidate nuts and cams to free up some extra biners towards the top. This in no way says you folks do not rule for getting on it whilst the snow fell and the epic swirled...yarrrg....ya Monkeys! What's that? This isn't the Pirates forum....yAAArrgggggg DOHHHHH! Good stuff Ivan as usual, real, real good. bet ya had the Monkey to yourselves too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ishmael Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 ivan's TRs, a cc.com must read. Thanks for the entertainment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miker Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 There were lots of tourons wandering by as we climbed on Sunday, but no climbers in sight on that side of the misery trail. As we rapped off on La Dia de los presidentes we ran into some climbers from Portland's Climb Max starting up Pioneer. Did not hear any of the classic questions, but maybe Ivan or Tvash got some good sound bites from the kids and dogs walking by. I still love the aesthetic of standing up on my second cam hook in a row and having the occasional snowflake land on my eyelashes as if to say "what you're feeling nauseated? Sac up you poser and use that top frackin' step!!" Well that was how I interpreted it anyway. Yeah the speed could be improved, but again we are in training. Definitely worked out some hauling mechanics and the rope management is key. Anybody think rope buckets are worth it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivan Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 still got a long while to get ready there bill - reckon this sorta tomfoolery is to work out bugs - for myself the bolt ladder went as fast as possible i think, no inefficiencies to cut out and very methodical - hauling, on the other hand, i am far from wired on - i was using one pulley, one jug and one gri-gri - hauling from the cave was fast, but not at the second belay - thinking i need to carry a cordellette to rig a powerpoint, plus buckets to sort the two ropes - my first haul was a sad affair - i had everythign so cross-fucked i could only gain 5 inches of rope at a time - ack! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tvashtarkatena Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wayne Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Great Photos and trip Guys! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shapp Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Did the exact same thing in Feb 1997 on almost the exact same day of the month I think. Except we were poor, no hot red boots or actaul haul bag. Did you not bring any whiskey up there? we had a big orange dry bag (for rafting) duct taped up with some webbing for a haul bag and there was 3 of us, cold man, it was cold, mice up in the cave, found a new petzl zoom headlamp (at the time) it had some identifying stickers on the battery pack, please pm to describe and I can get it back to you. Shapp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivan Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 Did the exact same thing in Feb 1997 on almost the exact same day of the month I think. Except we were poor, no hot red boots or actaul haul bag. Did you not bring any whiskey up there? we had a big orange dry bag (for rafting) duct taped up with some webbing for a haul bag and there was 3 of us, cold man, it was cold, mice up in the cave, found a new petzl zoom headlamp (at the time) it had some identifying stickers on the battery pack, please pm to describe and I can get it back to you. Shapp no whiskey, but you did have a choice between red wine or beer i think it was too cold for the mice to fornicate - i certainly was expecting an encounter given the # of mouse turds, but i reckon they were off hibernating actually big-walling/hauling is kinda decadent - on my winter alpine trips i always suffer w/ my tiny sleepign bag and a skoosh of whiskey, but on this trip i could bring my giant denali-honking bag, tons of booze and cans and cans of decent food - no wonder aid-climbers are so fawking phat! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fgw Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 "overnighting is verboten in the park of course, but based on the amount of neon green signage concerning dog-shit, i felt The Man would be indisposed" that's funny. 60 gets you to the cave in one shot no problem. cool read. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivan Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 60 gets you to the cave in one shot no problem. damn! wish i'd know that as it woulda saved at least an hour. hauling from the cave is easy as hell too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tvashtarkatena Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 60 gets you to the cave in one shot no problem. damn! wish i'd know that as it woulda saved at least an hour. hauling from the cave is easy as hell too. You mean I stood a 2 hour watch on that goddamn little ledge for no reason? Plenty of time for sunset pics whilst I was freezing my balls off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fgw Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 60 gets you to the cave in one shot no problem. damn! wish i'd know that as it woulda saved at least an hour. hauling from the cave is easy as hell too. You mean I stood a 2 hour watch on that goddamn little ledge for no reason? Plenty of time for sunset pics whilst I was freezing my balls off. 2nd time up, I also used that "ledge" - great views even if less than comfortable Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JosephH Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Road to The Nose - Checklist of learning to aid Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tvashtarkatena Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 So boys, whats yer 20 pitch .10 climb gonna be? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivan Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 So boys, whats yer 20 pitch .10 climb gonna be? i was thinking the pink route at my gym x 20 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tvashtarkatena Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 That will train you for the possible horror of being somehow marooned on a wall that big. That and massive doses of acid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasonG Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Pat- Please check your PMs. RE: SAC slide show. Thanks! Jason Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tvashtarkatena Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miker Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 So boys, whats yer 20 pitch .10 climb gonna be? yer moms Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostCamKenny Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 Sweet pics; Nice story... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jens Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 Cool pics! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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