max Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Arch: I think I've read somewhere here you're a female. If this is the case, I htink you might not be aware of the difference in male and female digestion. I'm not that familiar with the female side, but I can tell you the frequency and urgency with which I shit is completely different than either my past or current girlfriends. Maybe it's just them, but they just don't get the urge as rapidly as I do. I can think of three times (off the top of my head!) that I've been forced by circumstances and my bowels to shit somewhere normally called "inappropriate." It happens. Story: Stopped at one of those "freeway oasis" places somewhere on I80 in Wyoming. This was while traveling with a twenty person crew. Mcd's, arbys, and a gas franchise. Nothing else for miles. I had to go. Gas station's got a nineteen person line. I can't wait that long. I go over to Md's: closed for cleaning. I could have said to the mcd's dude, "i HAVE to go. can you step out for a moment." But I thought, hey, there's still Arby's. By the time I was into Arby's, I knew I was committed. The walking/trotting between the three places, combined with my rising levels of adrenalin really had me conserned. Rounded the corner to the door... single locked stall. That did it. I was going to crap in the next thirty seconds. I could do it it my pants on not. I chose not. I got to behind the building (I was undoing my belt while going out the door) and it was an explosion. PooCano. (girls never use that term. Ever wondered why?) I was done in ten seconds, went without the wipe (I mean, at this point, I need to get eh hell out of there) and pulled up my pants, only to discover there was shit on the inside of my pants and underwear. Not lots, just spray. What else am I to do. Pull on the pants, put a smile on my face, and walk over to my foreman and tell him I shit myself and need to hold the entire convoy up so I can go change my shorts. Word spread like wildfire. People still remind me. So for you to complain that some dude had to take ashit in your stall and in the process loose his shoes (that's going to take some explaining).... I got no simpathy for you. Quote
archenemy Posted January 5, 2007 Author Posted January 5, 2007 I love shit stories!!! Once I was in the car with three buddies, all guys. We were driving this crazy curvy mountain road that had absolutely no shoulder. I had to shit so bad I told them they had to pull over. The driver said that was impossible, there was no where to pull over. I said fine, stop right here and I'll crap in the middle of the road. No can do, someone could come speeding around one of the corners, they were all hairpin blind corners, and hit us. I'd be caught with my pants down, litterally. Well, I had to go so bad that the hair on my arms actually stood up. Now I consider that my barometer; if I don't get the shit chills, I don't really have to go that bad. Oh, except for that one time when I crapped my pants because the asshole at the seven eleven wouldn't let me use his bathroom at five am. I don't need no sympathy buddy, just tales of woe. Quote
G-spotter Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 eat less veggies, less fibre. you will be able to go without for days... then like a mathematician, when it's time, you might have to work it out with a pencil Quote
Raindawg Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 RE: the parking space crapper who produced the large mound: Some likely suspects: 1) A skinny supermodel who's been holding it in for many weeks. 2) A family of hippies...mom, dad, the kids, all contributing to the pile in order to make some sort of ecological statement about cars and the environment. 3) Or perhaps it was this young lady.... (click if you dare.....) Illustration: Hippies rejoice at the news of another successful parking space soiling. Quote
tvashtarkatena Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Did it have an unusual cross-sectional shape? Something that might have been the product of a Playdough Fun Factory? There are a lot of bored kids out there, these days. Quote
Choada_Boy Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 I'm taking a shit where you park your yuppie car Once again, you lose Quote
tvashtarkatena Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 (edited) I hired a roofer once to, as you may have guessed, reroof my house in Seattle while I was living in Ptown. I get a call from the tenant, an extremely fastidious cellist, no less. He informs me that there is an apple brown betty curled up in the middle of the basement. I come up (fortunately that was already my plan), and, sure enough, there it is. I found two more in my back yard, which measures all of 16' x 20'. Plus my cheap cement Bhudda was gone. It was worth way more than three turds, IMO. Anyway, I confronted the roofer. Turns out somebody's 12 year old kid had to hang around the job site due to lack of a sitter, whatever, and the kid was, prolific, shall we say. I got a $250 turd discount from the guy, but I never saw Bhudda again. Edited January 5, 2007 by tvashtarkatena Quote
ZimZam Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 I got a $250 turd discount from the guy, but I never saw Bhudda again. Enlightened? Quote
G-spotter Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Due to lack of a sitter You got a 12 year old shitter Quote
ClimbingPanther Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Due to lack of a sitter You got a 12 year old shitter He wouldn't be called "quitter" So he gave you a litter Quote
tvashtarkatena Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 (edited) I could have sworn the job included taking it to a dump. Edited January 5, 2007 by tvashtarkatena Quote
tvashtarkatena Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Due to lack of a sitter You got a 12 year old shitter He dropped off a load that wasn't to code Quote
spicoli11 Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 DON'T SPOIL THE COIL WITH YOUR CRX FOIL Quote
G-spotter Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 (edited) He squatted and pooed, ah And made off with your Buddha Edited January 5, 2007 by G-spotter Quote
olyclimber Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 did you spend 4 hours working on the dru? it's brilliant. Quote
AlpineK Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Mabey he spent 4 hours getting some weight off his rear end. Quote
ericb Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Due to lack of a sitter You got a 12 year old shitter He dropped off a load that wasn't to code after much prarie doggin he clean lost his noggin Quote
ClimbingPanther Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Das roof did he fix While boy's colon did mix Quote
G-spotter Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Ok, put it all together, 4 tvashtarkatrina: There once was a young boy named Don Who couldn't wait for the john So he shat in your basement And a smile on his face meant He had two more to leave on your lawn. Quote
ClimbingPanther Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 On car trip with buddies, all guys, The need Arch did feel to feed flies, Can't stop here nor there, So stood up did the hair, Until brown trout said its goodbyes. Quote
Skeezix Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 A sprayer whose name was Archenemy Found evidence of a visit from ten of me She wrinkled her nose Struck up a pose And said "Masterpark won't hear the end of me!" Quote
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