jon Posted December 29, 2005 Share Posted December 29, 2005 I love this shit, post your favorite ones. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history. Chuck Norris makes onions cry. And last but not least, from wikipedia.... United States President George W. Bush has stated that Norris is his favorite actor. Fuck yeah W I love Chuck Norris too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squid Posted December 29, 2005 Share Posted December 29, 2005 When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day. If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong. Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom. Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olyclimber Posted December 29, 2005 Share Posted December 29, 2005 I see you guys found finally my website. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olyclimber Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 FYI If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will appear and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TREETOAD Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 Chuck Norris has the worst face lift in history It is even worse than Bea Arthurs face lift It is so extreme that his belly buton is on his forehead, you should see his neck tie! Chuck Norris once played guest disease on ER His first role in a film was Hercules' brother, Redicules When he was born the doctor spanked his ass, turned him over and said hmm twins, He was so ugly his mom had to tie a pork chop around his neck so the dog would play with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZimZam Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 Bruce Lee kicked Chucky's ass. Fuck his roundhouse. If Bush likes him, he's a pussy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TREETOAD Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 Bruce hit him so hard when he woke up his clothes were out of style. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZimZam Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 (edited) Bruce spinned him, bend him and ran up in him. Edited December 30, 2005 by ZimZam Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZimZam Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 (edited) OUCH You hurt my cried Chuck Edited December 30, 2005 by ZimZam Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisT Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 y'all forgot the most obvious - Chuck Norris wears a rug. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jon Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies". Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lI1|1! Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 i'm not man enough to post chuck norris facts Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dechristo Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 The Mayan calendar ends in 2012 in prediction of the death and resurrection of Chuck Norris. It will be known as the Second Coming of Chuck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KaskadskyjKozak Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over. When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie. Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris. Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn. Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany. If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrogdortheBurninator Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Never do anything behind Chuck Norris' back. It just gives him more time to warm up his roundhouse kick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
griz Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Can you find Chuck Norris on this page? find the chuck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck_Norris Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Did somebody want to open up a can of whoop ass?!! Time for another round house kick to the head. Booya!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrogdortheBurninator Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Instead of eating hot dogs at the family BBQ, Chuck Norris eats baby fur seals Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faster_than_you Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Chuck Norris is busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest, but he has not seen The Nodder. NEVER. OMG Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mtn_mouse Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 I'm starting to believe that the nodder is no more real that santa clause (who missed my house this winter) and sasquatch. Only children otter believe in the nodder! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Frieh Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Chuck Norris: more hardcore than MrDoolittle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squid Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Your simple little mind reels at the reality of the situation not because you cannot comprehend why someone would do these things to someone else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dalius Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Chuck Norris VS Mahatma Gandhi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck_Norris Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 I'll punchasize Mike Ditka, Ghandi, or any other fool who wants to mess with the best and die like the rest. Via a roundhouse kick to the head, of course. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lI1|1! Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 a once tried to eat chuck norris' boot the the boot roundhouse kicked him while chuck norris wasn't even there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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