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New REI Bitch Thread


blue_morph
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I was on their web site the other day and this irritated the f&*k out of me:

insulated jacket selection

 

yet they have two pages of long-sleeve button-up travel shirts

 

Still, if they make lots of money off traveling yuppies and turn around and keep giving to conservation, climbing, environmental causes, etc. and in general make more people fans of the environment, then I try not to get too annoyed. Lord knows we don't have enough 'corporate allies' out there.

 

It is obviously not insulated jacket season.

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The funniest thing about the REI in downtown Portland is how the sales clerks manage to be both supremely soliticious & helpful, yet supremely ignorant at the same time.

 

Yeah, but it gets damn annoying fast, when the solicitous help asks you over and over again "are you an REI member" and "you can use your 20% discount today". Um, yes, that's why I am here today, leave me alone...

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A number of years ago, an REI opened in the largest city proximal to where I live. I had heard of these stores, but had never seen, or been in one. So, next trip to the city, I took the time to stop and browse; I needed to replace a hex I'd lost, anyway.

 

The place was packed with people looking to buy anything that had a hip name brand logo on it. I was disappointed by the sparse selection of gear available for oggling: back then, I liked to peruse the latest gear available and dream of buying two of everything I didn't own (I've since left behind the hoard mentality). They did have some shiny new BD wired hexes; the hex I'd lost was from my original Chouinard set with my own custom-length kernmantle loops. I had to wait a pretty long time before salesdude showed up.

 

The youthful salesdude approached me at the gear counter and asked if he could help.

 

"uh, yeah... let me look at that #6 hex."

 

Salesdude turned, following the direction of my pointed finger, and looked at the set of hexes hanging on the wall.

 

"Dude...I don't think they have numbers...what color do you want to look at?"

 

"Just give me the middle three."

 

Salesdude gingerly removed the hexes from their shiny carabiner and lightly placed them on the counter so as not to damage anything. I located the #6 and showed the marking to salesdude, "Oooh, cool".

 

"Yeah, ok...well, I'll take this one (the #6)."

 

"Oh, man... I don't think we sell those except in sets...and besides, you can't go climbing with just one of those."

 

I supressed the laugh, but kept the smile when I replied, "I already have all the rest of 'em; I just need to buy this one."

 

"Oh, let me go ask somebody..."

 

He disappeared around a corner and I headed for the door.

 

I didn't darken the door of an REI for years after, but nowadays, I'll go once in awhile during their Sales events. Their salesdudes seem to have become more knowledgeable in the interim.

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If I were to put a time on the decline I would say it was in the late 60's early 70's when the movie 'Jeremiah (Robert Redford) Johnson came out. Everyone started wearing down coats and complaining how it never got cold enough in Seattle. That's when I started seeing the fashion items taking over the gear retail space.

Come to think of it when he, RR put out the film 'A river runs thru it', fly fishing got screwed as well.

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Yeah. Like the guy/gal whos dog dumped on the stairs did not know it happened.

reminds me of Willy

 

[bart's looking for his dog.]

Groundskeeper Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt - and I 'ate 'im! [bart gasps.] I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always barkin'! So I gave 'im to the church.

Bart: Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church.

Groundskeeper Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug. [bart stares.] Ya heard me!

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The funniest thing about the REI in downtown Portland is how the sales clerks manage to be both supremely soliticious & helpful, yet supremely ignorant at the same time.

 

Yeah, but it gets damn annoying fast, when the solicitous help asks you over and over again "are you an REI member" and "you can use your 20% discount today". Um, yes, that's why I am here today, leave me alone...

 

The last time I went to REI I was there to buy freeze dried food for a trip I was leaving on in 2 days. I originally went to Outdoor and More, but they were closed and I needed the food that evening. Anyway I got to the cash register and:

 

Clerk: That'll be $(x); do you have an REI #

 

Me: Here's the money; no I don't have a membership.

 

Clerk: You know you save every time you shop here as a member.

 

Me: Yes I know that.

 

Clerk: Well do you want an REI membership.

 

Me: No thank you.

 

Clerk: Do you do a lot of stuff in the outdoors.

 

Me: Yes

 

Clerk: Well you really should become a member; think how much you'll save.

 

Me: I hate REI. I think the store sucks. The only reason I'm here is I need freeze dried food this evening and you were the only place open. I normally never come here.

 

Clerk: Well I guess I deserved that.

 

yelrotflmao.gif

 

In conclusion I would say that I treat REI like 7-11. I know they're open late a lot, so I'll take advantage of that if I'm procrastinating. Otherwise screw em. They stopped being a climbing store years ago. It's your own faulst if you still go there regularly to buy climbing gear.

Edited by AlpineK
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AlpineK, you told me a less abbreviated version of the above exchange:

 

Clerk: That'll be $(x); do you have an REI #

 

Me: Here's the money; no I don't have a membership.

 

Clerk: You know you save every time you shop here as a member.

 

Me: Yes I know that.

 

Clerk: Well do you want an REI membership.

 

Me: No thank you.

 

Clerk: Do you do a lot of stuff in the outdoors.

 

Me: Yes

 

Clerk: Well you really should become a member; think how much you'll save.

 

Me: Listen, you fucking maggot... I've got a membership hangin', so instead of me tellin' you to shove your membership up your ass, I'm tellin' you I'm gonna shove this membership up your ass (at this point, AlpineK unzipped and exposed himself) unless you shut the fuck up and give me my change so I can get out of this fucking sleazy outdoor schlock whorehouse.

 

Clerk: Well I guess I deserved that.

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At least when Ralph bent his wookie, REI took it back no-questions-asked.

 

No shit... on Friday I took my faulty BD headlamp in that I bought WAY BACK IN '02! The dood started looking up my purchase history was like "oh, you bought this on sale... I can only give you $33 credit on it". hellno3d.gif

I thought there must have been some mistake so I quickly grabbed a new headlamp off the shelf, paid the couple bucks difference, and high tailed it outta there. thumbs_up.gif

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  • 4 weeks later...
REI reminds me of Home Despot. I have a greenhouse with orchids in it. My air circulating fan conked out in January. I went to HD to buy a new one, anything with a blade that spins around. I was told that they don't carry fans in winter. I scrounged one up eventually in the attic.

 

Went into REI a couple months back to pick up a ski helmit and could not find any of the ski equipment. So I asked a clerk where they had the ski equipment. The guy just looks at me and laughs, "ski season is over dude".

 

Aaron

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How to properly utilize your nearest REI:

 

"Gear Testing". 100% return policy. "Why am I returning it? Because I no longer need it, biatch."

 

Little known exchange tricks: Bought something on sale under your membership? Just tell them you got it as a gift from a non-member. Buy toblerone! tobler-load. Return with empty wrappers and complain there was just choclate in them. Redeem for a "massage" in the "repair shop" HCL.gif Yeah thats right, REI is really a front for an elaborate, international boarding house for mail-order brides, massage parlors, and free masons.

 

REI clerk: "Are you a member of REI?"

climber: "Are you a member of Al Qaida?"

 

REI clerk: "If you become a member you will save a lot of money."

climber: "If you work at a reputable gear shop, you will make a living wage."

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REI clerk: "Are you a member of REI?"

climber: "Are you a member of Al Qaida?"

 

REI clerk: "If you become a member you will save a lot of money."

climber: "If you work at a reputable gear shop, you will make a living wage."

 

yellaf.gifyellaf.gifyellaf.gif

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