Dr_Flash_Amazing

Sure, trekking pole grizzly skewering and au naturel icy river fording are fairly high-action pursuits, but most hikers don't get to swing with that kind of action. You're lucky to get hit in the head with a pinecone at worst. And without big numbers to enrich your story? Or cool words like the tres Francais "gaston" or "roto-pockets," you're pretty much sunk the moment you lace up your Sundowners.

Full Heinous using the original three (?) bolts and RPs!

Quois? Mais non, petit grimpeur! Climbers always get the year 'round parking permit, it's just that climbers' permits are rad and sexy and facilitative of big-number sending, whereas hiker permits only lead to more gay flatness and boring non-anchor-clipping blanditudinalitification.

Tell you what, hoss, you can't beat Arc'teryx for comfort, bomber construction, and a good carry. Well, maybe with an Osprey.

Ground-up onsight FAs on the Smith Rock Group. Helmets are aid.

That's dogging, which anyone will tell you is poor style.

Hiking is flat and gay and there's no numbers to chase. Climbing is steep burly mono-pockets and sick dynos and sexy onsighting and whatnot, all tied together with big numbers and bigger spray. True indeed.

Huh? Yellow-assed yer butt? Wha ..?

Nah. Feelin' a little sick, gotta get a tattoo on the face, feelin' a little outta shape ... you know how it goes.

Prone to hyperactivity is right! Those little fuckers get all wound up and run around like Carl Lewis on the tweak. Crazy, crazy.

You're runnin' dial-up? Damn, brotha, it's two thousand three, get some broadband shit fuhcryin'outloud! 56k, indeed!

They frown on public displays of sexuality down in Mormon country, but you're welcome to try it.

Return that junker. It sounds like a legitimately flawed design. REI sells Arc'teryx packs, don't they? Trade that ratty old duffel in on a new Bora.

Whatchoo want such a fat rope for?

Dude, word on the street is that chix don't dig the desperate approach. Try to play it cool, bro.

How come you have heard of Hunter DFA? Did you actually read about something other than bolt clipping and plastic while rereading Hot Flashes on the can? Hey, Mr. Canadabutt! Just 'cause Dr. Flash Amazing chooses to while away most of his climbing time clippin' bolts and chasin' grades doesn't mean he isn't enamored with the whole damned sport! So stick your snooty snob snipings up your Canadian candy cavern, you big insensitive lout!

Holy yarmulkas, those glasses make you look like a gentile, ya schmuck! You're probably sporting a 'Goy Toy' belt buckle like that shiksa Madonna! Oy vey!

Mt. Hunter?

But those skidmarks on your chair aren't! Ugh!

They all wanna get their hands on the PAGETOPS, too. Wicked!

DJ Fucknutz' hardtrancejunglebasshousedrumambientbreakbeatoff remix (12" mix remix)?

Trask, didn't DFA see your car parked out front of this joint as he passed by on the way to the gym last night?

Word on the street is that Trask is currently up for grabs!

Nope. Thelonius Monk.