mature relationships

[Captain panther]

I wanna ask all you guys out there, and ladies, that are in long term relationships or marriages, how much sacrifice do you all make? how much shit is ok to take? where do you draw the line? when you really love someone, how much do you do for them? and how long do you try before you give up? do you give up? If some big bomb gets dropped and things change between you two, how long do you work on the relationship to fix it before saying "fuck it, im just gonna be married to climbing since shes fucking easy"

 

Any comments would be welcome.

 

CP

[tvashtarkatena]

Dr. John Gottman's book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a good start for making sense of a confusing situation. Might be a good thing to read together.

 

Gottman's 30+ years of research indicates that successful, long term relationships require 5 or more positive interactions for every negative one. What constitutes positive or negative is individual, of course.

Edited December 14, 2010 by tvashtarkatena

[Couloir]

I'm not sure how to answer your specific question CP, but my wife and I try and operate on the principle that if you both try each day to be nice, and go out of your way to do good things for each other, the dividends are endless. It's seems to have have worked well for 21 years so far, anyway.

[sobo]

I could get in this discussion and throw for the opposite side, but then my ex-wife had a disease. As a matter of fact, several diseases - they're called personality disorders (borderline, histrionic, and naricisstic), so my experience may just be an outlier.

 

Good to see you again, Couloir!

[Couloir]

Good to see you again Sobo.

 

Look I'm no expert on relationships whatsoever, so I'm just speaking from my perspective. I've just been exposed lately to so many relationships (close friends of ours) that have dissolved. I am very well aware that many things happen behind closed doors, but it seemed liked in many of these cases, they began happy, but ultimately they seemed to start to really hate each other in the end. It seemed strange to me. That's all.

 

I apologize CP, if this has completely missed anything resembling your situation.

 

Sobo: Beers. Sooner than later!

[Captain panther]

No, this is what I wanted. I like to get other people's input and see things from every angle possible to help me understand them further. Thanks to all of you guys, I really appreciate it.

[ivan]

trial n' error is the way of the world - figure out where the pain threshold is for the relationship, then adjust accordingly - some chicks are quite cool about how much space/time alone you require in order to be sane - if over time you can't get past an issue, it's time to consider packing it all up - once homes/kids/careers get intermingled the pain factor of a breakup approaches mandatory-alcoholism scale

[sk]

one of the books that i like is the five love languages. everyone has a breaking point. we all need to feel loved and that means something different to everyone. if you need time alone and she needs time together you can make that work you just have to talk about how to make it work for everyone.

 

If anyone is asking you to give more than you can, they aren't all that interested in keeping the relationship, they just want to win. everyone in a relationship has to give in a little. If you are having to give so much that you are not you any more, run.

[bstach]

+1 on the Gottman book. Read it and do the excercises with your partner. Also, I believe Gottman is based in Seattle. If I recall correctly, his seminars are a bit spendy.

 

The answers to your questions depend on the detailed specifics of your situation - more detail than you probably want to share here. I would suggest personal counseling to work through your specific situation. Best with your partner. If she won't go, do it anyway by yourself. Talking it through in a confidential setting will really help you work through it. Many employers include a limited amount of confidential counseling as a benefit. Mine does and my wife and I have taken advantage of it. Our experience was is took a few tries before we found a counselor that worked for us.

 

Good luck.

[selkirk]

Not sure if it's been clearly asked, but how invested is she in trying to make the relationship work? It sounds like you are already invested and ready to work towards a better situation. If this is a short term blip (albeit big) but the long term situation might be good and you're both willing to have some patience and work at it, then i'd say an awful lot of patience, time and effort is justified.

 

That said no mater how much work you do, if she isn't invested and willing to work at it that doesn't bode well.

 

It takes 2 to make it work and only 1 to screw it up.

[selkirk]

Oh, and not to hijack that thread but hi Muffy! How are Thing 1 and 2?

[sk]

Oh, and not to hijack that thread but hi Muffy! How are Thing 1 and 2?

 

HI The Things are HUGE thing 1 is taller than me now. they are doing great.

[markwebster]

I've been married since '79 to Sue, my climbing partner. I can't be too mean to her, since she belays me. Treat your wife like a new climbing buddy. You know: you kiss up to them, you put up with their bullsh*t, agree when you know they are wrong, forgive them when they drop your cam, or back your car into a light post.

 

In return, your climbing buddy will like/respect you since you are such a prince, and be more likely to kiss up to you in the same fashion.

 

But seriously, I think marriage skills are best learned from growing up with the successful marriages of your parents and grandparents. If they weren't there for you...I guess books or counselors would be an alternative.

 

Also, as climbing buddies getting married, we agreed that if either of us ever got fat, it was an automatic divorce. We've stuck by that, she is still slim and very fit, 34 years after I met her.

 

I have also puzzled over my many friends who seem to be very intelligent and sensitive people...and whose marriages fall apart. I wish I had an easy answer, but I don't.

 

It can work though. It's getting rare, but it can work. She's coming to jtree with me this year...it's gonna be awesome!

 

a family trip to yosemite, lower half of this page. Sue, my son Clint and daughter Lisa:

http://www.websterart.com/html/yosemite07.html

 

One benefit of a stable marriage is it gives the kids a rock solid foundation on which to grow. There was relatively little chaos in the house as they grew up, so they seemed to be on rails, toward success. Nothing distracted them from their studies. I was quite amazed when they both became RN's, working together in a local hospital ER room.

 

A reliable wife is a very cool thing.

[sk]

I've been married since '79 to Sue, my climbing partner. I can't be too mean to her, since she belays me. Treat your wife like a new climbing buddy. You know: you kiss up to them, you put up with their bullsh*t, agree when you know they are wrong, forgive them when they drop your cam, or back your car into a light post.

 

In return, your climbing buddy will like/respect you since you are such a prince, and be more likely to kiss up to you in the same fashion.

 

But seriously, I think marriage skills are best learned from growing up with the successful marriages of your parents and grandparents. If they weren't there for you...I guess books or counselors would be an alternative.

 

Also, as climbing buddies getting married, we agreed that if either of us ever got fat, it was an automatic divorce. We've stuck by that, she is still slim and very fit, 34 years after I met her.

 

I have also puzzled over my many friends who seem to be very intelligent and sensitive people...and whose marriages fall apart. I wish I had an easy answer, but I don't.

 

It can work though. It's getting rare, but it can work. She's coming to jtree with me this year...it's gonna be awesome!

 

a family trip to yosemite, lower half of this page. Sue, my son Clint and daughter Lisa:

http://www.websterart.com/html/yosemite07.html

 

One benefit of a stable marriage is it gives the kids a rock solid foundation on which to grow. There was relatively little chaos in the house as they grew up, so they seemed to be on rails, toward success. Nothing distracted them from their studies. I was quite amazed when they both became RN's, working together in a local hospital ER room.

 

A reliable wife is a very cool thing.

 

 

i want to think you are being funny about the if someone gets fat comment... but seriously i haven't been able to climb for several years now because of an auto immune disease that prohibits me from even working out most of the time (too many board white blood cells) so what if your wife were stricken with some disease or lost the use of her limbs... would you stop loving her? would you not want to change your world to match up with hers in some way? i feel really fortunate to be with a man who loves me even though my world has been ripped away from me.

[markwebster]

sorry to hear that. But no, we were dead serious. Both of us were super fit at 25 when we decided to get married. We knew there was a possibility one or the other of us could get lazy and out of shape, and we agreed that was grounds for divorce.

 

But I guess if there was a medical reason we would have to re-assess. Would I still love her, probably, but it would be harder to maintain that flame. If I got fat, I wouldn't blame her for leaving me...that's the agreement.

 

For most people though, it's just laziness, bad eating habits and lack of exercise. Stand in the check out line behind someone who is out of shape and look at what is in the cart, it's a no brainer.

 

I blame it on the advertising industry selling us on the concept that sugar is food, and TV is life. Avoid both like the plague and most of your problems go away. Off to jtree!

[sk]

i used to think that too

[ivan]

luckily i was fat 'fore i met my wife

[tvashtarkatena]

Me girl enjoys rollin wit a fat fook as well!

[kevbone]

some chicks are my wife is quite cool about how much space/time I need alone in order to be sane

 

All fixed for you Ivan.

[ivan]

some chicks are my wife is quite cool about how much space/time I need alone in order to be sane

 

All fixed for you Ivan.

i'll let her know you find her the only one of her kind then - but then i'll really have to be out the door for my 3 month winter expedition to climb the great rum doodle!

[bistro]

i was married for twenty years, 22 years ago. my then wife was a drug addict, I stayed with her for several years trying and hopeing we could get her staightened out. she liked her lifestyle I didn't. the parting shot was when one evening she was writhing on the bed in a drug induced spasm, I was at her side praying to God, when she told me to get the fuck away and dont bring my God into her life. That my friend, was the heart breaking end..

God sent me another woman, we have been together for about 22 years. we have issues at times but thats ok.. How can a persson not love someone God sent to ease your pain.

[olyclimber]

only thing that sucks is when God sends you a bunch of heroin. what are you supposed to do with that? you don't want to let that go to waste and piss off God!

 

"mature" is such a strange word. you can use is with a 4 year old. or your can pride yourself in your own immaturity when you get to be 40.

 

if your goal is to have a lasting relationship, then this almost always means compromise and a bit of work. and probably reading the book that some people have recommended can't hurt.

[ivan]

reading relationship books is roughly the same as reading stereo instructions

[ivan]

[video:youtube]

[Lucky Larry]

One of the more thought provoking threads I have read and kudos for the tone from both sides.

 

Now the question: what is a 55 year old single unemployed infirmed guy going to do? Back to Ego spray.