kevbone Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 Five rules for men to follow for a happy life 1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other. Signed Tiger Woods Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
billcoe Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
letsroll Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivan Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 it's a difficult life it's gonna take a very special woman to get through it... ...or a bunch of average ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marc_leclerc Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 Signed Tiger Woods!?!?!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
billcoe Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 Where do guys learn this stuff? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostCamKenny Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 Where do guys learn this stuff? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucky Larry Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 gee, and I just wish the sexy dreams would stop cause what reality they are based on beats the H out'a me and they make me mad cause it is sooooooooo over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TamaraSlade Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 TO MY DEAR WIFE: During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be asleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 6 times you just laid there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did: 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching TV Of the times we did get together: The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, 'Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?' The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
counterfeitfake Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 marriage sounds fun Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sobo Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 It ain't, trust me... Q: Why is divorce so expensive? A: Because it's worth it! Ba-dum, ching! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chirp Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 I really like these but my wife finds them awfully handy as well so I think they would be just fine for women too. Nice rules for all genders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TamaraSlade Posted January 30, 2010 Share Posted January 30, 2010 [font:Arial Black] Nine Words Women Use [/font] 1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the football before helping around the house. 3. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 4. A Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer quickly to No 9 for the meaning of nothing.) 5. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 6. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot', which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' - that will bring on No. 7). 7. Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying, "F-- YOU!" 8. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to No. 4. 9. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in "Fine". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fairweather Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 This has been out there for a while, but here it is--The World's Greatest Divorce Letter: Dear Connie, I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I've never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy." Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the FUCKING remote is. Love, Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minx Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 Dear Dan, I think the remote is up Vicky's ass. When Carol and I are done with your friend Mike, I'll call and ask her. Connie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sobo Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 :laf: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RuMR Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 (edited) It ain't, trust me... Q: Why is divorce so expensive? A: Because it's worth it! Ba-dum, ching! it depends...it has to be the *right* one...with kids, i can not imagine being single...it definitely is a work in process and very dynamic...and i have a great wife to start with.... Edited February 1, 2010 by RuMR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sobo Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 It ain't, trust me... Q: Why is divorce so expensive? A: Because it's worth it! Ba-dum, ching! it depends...it has to be the *right* one...with kids, i can not imagine being single...it definitely is a work in process and very dynamic...and i have a great wife to start with.... That's where I went wrong. Insufficient vetting of the fiance' prior to marriage. That part was my fault. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tvashtarkatena Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 Don't beat yourself up too much over it. It's probably nobody's fault. You do the best you can at the time with the information you've got, shit happens, then more shit happens, but probably better shit at this point. And look at the bright side: Replacing a remote is cheap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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