Monogamy?

[archenemy]

Statistics show that polyamory is practised in our culture at a pretty high rate as well.

[tvashtarkatena]

When you cheat on someone, it's basically a wholly selfish act. a) you're escaping from resolving the problems in your primary relationship b) you're really disrespecting the person you're cheating on, because you don't think enough of them give them the choice as to whether to accept your cheating or walk. You're not treating them as an equal in the partnership. If it's an act of revenge, then why does the cheater stay in the primary relationship at all? And what kind of respect does that show for the (new) person the cheater is using to inflict revenge?

 

Open relationships, where all parties are consensual, are one thing. But cheating is symptom of being unable to put another person before yourself; a condition which prohibits any long term relationship from succeeding in a satisfying way. Justifying such behavior and the damage it does to the person who is supposedly closest to you 'because a significant percentage of other people are doing it' further indicates a person who has not done the work of establishing exactly what their own values are.

[lI1|1!]

the thing that separates us from animals is that we can weigh the consequences of that action and adjust our behavior accordingly.

 

ah yes, those primitive animal urges. what a shame it can be if we let them take over our lives. i'm so glad i have the inner strength and positive self esteem to resist the impulse of sexual gratification in favor of a more civilized existense.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ericb]

What's 'natural' may be more of a philosophical rather than scientific discussion, but studies on long term relationships indicate that the most successful (i.e., long lasting and satisfying for both partners) relationships are built on a foundation of trust (among other things). They also indicate that having multiple partners erodes this trust, and thus the chances for the relationships longevity and satisfaction. It's certainly natural for people to be attracted to other outside their relationship, but it's also just as natural not to act on such impulses and instead choose loyalty to one's long term partner over an attractive outsider.

 

It seems as though people in this society who have multiple, simultaneous relationships tend to also have shorter term, less satisfying relationships. We evolved as tribal creatures, so it seems natural that we would prefer these longer term, more satisfying relationships over shorter term, less stable ones. Stable, satisfying relationships with more than two people may occur, but they are rare.

 

As for cultures that accept polygamy, they all seem to favor men over women. Saudi Arabia, hard core Mormons...I can't think of a culture that allows this practice that isn't male dominated. Perhaps the more egalitarian a culture is, the more monogamous it becomes, because this results in the greatest satisfaction of both of the sexes.

 

Well said

[ericb]

Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship (Atwood & Schwartz, 2002 - Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy)

 

 

I think to put the expectation of fidelity/monogamy on a relationship is great in theory, but it doesn't reflect the reality.

 

The study is based on their patients....and why are they in therapy??? Selection bias perhaps?

[Bug]

The Old Testament is full of stories about how monogomy came to be. Multiple wives meant disharmony and fighting. The offspring killed each other. Go figure.

Navajo culture is matrilinial and monogomous. The Navajo have some of the most highly developed social structures we know of.

[dinomyte]

Perhaps the more egalitarian a culture is, the more monogamous it becomes, because this results in the greatest satisfaction of both of the sexes.

 

On first read, I totally agreed with the full text of your post. Re-reading it, I'm not sure about the sentence quoted above. In male-dominated cultures, perhaps the men are satisfied, and 50% is not bad. This has probably changed as women play a greater role, but I bet in parts of Asia a while back the men WERE happy, because women accepted that their role was what it was.

 

I was in Japan a couple years ago. The best meal I have ever had was served by a 55-year old woman at her home (we visited her and her husband for an evening). I said, "You are a wonderful hostess. Do you enjoy cooking and entertaining?" Her response: "No. It's my duty."

 

But she never complained about it.

 

I guess my point is that is possible that there are cultures where 50% of the people are happy (even if it's one gender) at the expense of the other 50%. I'm not sure that 50% of the people in the US are happy.

 

That said, I am happy in my monogamous relationship. But, I think I was happy in college when partners were more varied. I would not want to be single now (in my mid-30s).

 

Anyways, it's a complex subject.

[Sherri]

ONE relationship is enough work and enough reward for me. If it failed, I think I'd prefer to be alone than to start over with a new one(s). Unless Archie's still on the market.

[G-spotter]

As for cultures that accept polygamy, they all seem to favor men over women. Saudi Arabia, hard core Mormons...I can't think of a culture that allows this practice that isn't male dominated.

 

In medieval Tibet, where polyandry was practiced, the culture was also male dominated. There weren't enough wives to go around so groups of brothers would share one to get their cooking, cleaning, sewing, and sex. Think about that.

[Dechristo]

ONE relationship is enough work and enough reward for me. If it failed, I think I'd prefer to be alone than to start over with a new one(s). Unless Archie's still on the market.

 

I agree with the "enough work" aspect. I stayed and was monogamous with the same woman for 27 years.

 

One thing for sure: in my case, the monogamous marriage arrangement provided for the most in-depth personal growth of my being. It was the perfect device to teach me some of the most profound lessons in life. Although that relationship has passed, and I am in the "prefer to be alone than to start over with a new one(s)" stage, I am thankful for the many doctorals I have received through that school.

 

It was the concern for hurting others, the trashing of my conscience (I'm a terrible liar) and the probable negative financial repercussions that kept my fly zipped.

[JosephH]

Human reproductive biochemistry as presented in the Manchester Study suggests females have evolved as not so much monogamous or polygamous as opportunistic. 'Opportunistic' in this case means establishing a long-term 'mated' relationship with the best male possible and then attracting and mating with superior males as opportunities present themselves.

 

To the degree this isn't the behavioral norm today suggests modern relationships diverging from model likely indicate a significant cultural component to the structure of our mating habits.

[joblo7]

8 of 10 of my past love interests were married.

 

3 brothers wives,best friend's wife,boss's wife.2 wife's sisters. women go for what they need , when they want it.multitaskers.they all are still married.

[JayB]

8 of 10 of my past love interests were married.

 

3 brothers wives,best friend's wife,boss's wife.2 wife's sisters. women go for what they need , when they want it.multitaskers.they all are still married.

 

Just to make sure that I'm not misinterpreting this statement - you are claiming to have had sex with three of your brother's wives, your best friend's wife, and two of your wife's sisters?

 

 

[joblo7]

girls just want to have fun.....monogamy is a myth.

[dt_3pin]

8 of 10 of my past love interests were married.

 

3 brothers wives,best friend's wife,boss's wife.2 wife's sisters. women go for what they need , when they want it.multitaskers.they all are still married.

 

Just to make sure that I'm not misinterpreting this statement - you are claiming to have had sex with three of your brother's wives, your best friend's wife, and two of your wife's sisters?

 

 

I suspect incest may run deep in the V7 clan. At least that would explain some things.

[joblo7]

nope! dont need to.

[lI1|1!]

one could make lots of arguements from biology of animals and selfish gene type stuff, but if you look at the statistics that indicate a large portion of the human population is engaging in some form of monogamy or a reasonable approximation, then that indicates monogamy is natural just because it is common.

 

i don't think religion dictates human biology, i think people create religious beliefs to conform to what they are already doing.

 

 

[matt_warfield]

8 of 10 of my past love interests were married.

 

3 brothers wives,best friend's wife,boss's wife.2 wife's sisters. women go for what they need , when they want it.multitaskers.they all are still married.

 

A one man wrecking crew of the theory and practice of monogamy. Also the most entertaining post on this thread.

[tvashtarkatena]

8 of 10 of my past love interests were married.

 

3 brothers wives,best friend's wife,boss's wife.2 wife's sisters. women go for what they need , when they want it.multitaskers.they all are still married.

 

Well, aren't you a sweetheart.

[joblo7]

i was in a monogasmic relationship and so where they.

[archenemy]

Perhaps the more egalitarian a culture is, the more monogamous it becomes, because this results in the greatest satisfaction of both of the sexes.

 

On first read, I totally agreed with the full text of your post. Re-reading it, I'm not sure about the sentence quoted above. In male-dominated cultures, perhaps the men are satisfied, and 50% is not bad. This has probably changed as women play a greater role, but I bet in parts of Asia a while back the men WERE happy, because women accepted that their role was what it was.

 

I was in Japan a couple years ago. The best meal I have ever had was served by a 55-year old woman at her home (we visited her and her husband for an evening). I said, "You are a wonderful hostess. Do you enjoy cooking and entertaining?" Her response: "No. It's my duty."

 

But she never complained about it.

 

I guess my point is that is possible that there are cultures where 50% of the people are happy (even if it's one gender) at the expense of the other 50%. I'm not sure that 50% of the people in the US are happy.

 

That said, I am happy in my monogamous relationship. But, I think I was happy in college when partners were more varied. I would not want to be single now (in my mid-30s).

 

Anyways, it's a complex subject.

The other problem with the quoted statement is that this is drawn from mostly one-man multi-women relationship histories. We have very few examples and very little experience where women get to have the multiple partners (with impunity).

[tvashtarkatena]

i was in a monogasmic relationship and so where they.

 

Most folks would describe it as pathological.

 

Close family you got there. Eeeeeewwwwwww.

Edited October 25, 2007 by tvashtarkatena

[archenemy]

At least it keeps the "where to go for Xmas" questions to a minimum.

[tvashtarkatena]

I hope he kept his hands off the pets, at least. And the Thanksgiving turkey, for that matter.

[joblo7]

pets rarely master the art of whispering in your ear.!!