And you thought you knew climbing

[Jedi]

http://www.askmen.com/fashion/how_to_200/230_how_to.html

 

In case anyone had any questions about climbing, this should clear things up.

[olyclimber]

Now that you've learned the basics, you're ready to enroll in a climbing course and impress everyone with your knowledge. If you follow the proper procedure, you'll have the time of your life, even if you might still be scared. From there, it's only a matter of time before you can be like Sylvester Stallone in Cliffhanger. If anything, you'll be able to impress hotties like Charisma Carpenter, Ashley Judd, Evangeline Lilly, and Lucy Liu, who are into the sport.

[gslater]

Guess I'd better go work on my Dutch marine bowline and figure of nine, since I'll apparently need to know these if I ever want to climb. What the f....?

[Alan]

Yes, thanks it does clear up a lot, except that I got sidetracked with the top 99 women list. Didn't go far enough on it to see Selma's name, but Paris was there. (I didn't make up the list.) Thanks for the link!

[minx]

and this is why you really shouldn't ask men anything....

[gslater]

"You need to be tremendously physically fit in order to stay alive"

 

I'm a dead man...

 

That is just a fine, fine article. It's pretty telling that it's in the "Fashion & Lifestyle" section.

[Bill_Simpkins]

"Bouldering: This method consists of climbing small boulders without any equipment. Basically, it's like hiking with some obstacles thrown in. "

 

OMG!

 

"Free climbing: With this most common style of climbing, the equipment you use is for safety only -- not to facilitate the process. This is the method you see in movies. "

 

Like "Cliffhanger"?

 

"Aid climbing: When the face of the mountain doesn't offer any more grips and holds, some experienced climbers pull out tools like hooks, nuts, camming devices, ascenders, hauling pulleys, aiders, and wall hammers to climb up. This is a very dangerous method."

 

I'm astounded!

 

"Belaying: This is not really a style but rather a technique that can be used in both free climbing and aid climbing. Two climbers hook up a rope between them and climb in succession, anchoring the cable along the way. This keeps you from falling all the way to the ground. "

 

Cool. Now I can throw away my Freedom of the Hills book. This covers it all in a paragraph!

 

It's funny how they refer to all things you climb as "The Mountain" never a cliff.

[foraker]

and this is why you really shouldn't ask men anything....

 

more like, why you shouldn't ask men's magazines about anything. it's kind of like looking for relationship advice in women's magazines.

[TheOtter]

 

For many climbers, rappelling, although dangerous, is the most interesting aspect of rock climbing.

 

That guy otter get a pullitzer.

 

Simply BRILLIANT!

[iain]

Your legs and arms must be strong enough to lift your own weight...

 

OMG I can't get out of my chair. How will I get home?

 

No wonder I see so many people collapsed on the sidewalks around here.

[whirlwind]

my fav part :"you'll also find it useful to tone your abs"

 

i always though people shouldn't climb without 6-pacs.

 

and: "(Here's a little-known fact: you can strengthen your hand muscles by placing your hand in the middle of a piece of newspaper -- which is laid out on a tabletop -- and crumpling it into as small a ball as possible, using only your fingers.)"

 

another little know fact is that walking will improve your hiking ablities faster than driving your car will

i bet you didn't know that

[Dechristo]

Whether you want to impress a girl, find a new hobby, or plan on someday climbing Mount Everest, it's a very intense sport...

Fuck, now I've got to quit... I didn't get into it for any of the right reasons.

 

...hiking is a large part of rock climbing.

Guess he's never been to Rifle, or the dozens of other areas where you can piss on the highway traffic from halfway up a route (depending on your stream). Maybe he was referring to hiking your lycra back up from the middle of your ass...

 

(Here's a little-known fact: you can strengthen your hand muscles by placing your hand in the middle of your genitalia -- which is laid as often as possible -- and massaging vigorously until you're screaming repeatedly at the top of your lungs, "FUCKIN' FIVE FOURTEEN", using only your fingers.)

I taught him that one.

 

Full-safety climbing: This is a lot like climbing a wall at the gym. You climb using existing grips while someone on the ground pulls on your rope to make it easier for you.

My belayers have been fuckin' me. SLACKERS!

 

Two climbers hook up a rope between them and climb in succession, anchoring the cable along the way. This keeps you from falling all the way to the ground.

Hmmmmmm... seems I remember zippering some gear, screaming, and cratering; I must have forgotten something... THE CABLE! I FORGOT THE DAMN CABLE!

 

For climbers to be able to judge if a mountain is tough enough to warrant a trip across the country, a grading scale has been devised. It goes from 1 to 6, 6 being the most difficult.

...Class 6 is impossible to free climb. There are no natural grips and aid climbing is the only way to go.

Fuck Class 6(wtf?). I climb Class 7: that's climbing Class 6 while committing the seven deadly sins.

 

Rock climbing is incredibly dangerous. You need to be tremendously physically fit in order to stay alive -- rock climbers are notoriously rapacious. In other words, unless you've an intimidating physique, you'll be dead or a dirtbag's bitch slave by the end of the first day.

...don't attempt climbing for real until you masterbate while screaming "FUCKIN" FIVE FOURTEEN" at the gym.

I already knew this.

 

[Kiwi]

The description of bouldering is priceless :rofl:

 

Bouldering: This method consists of climbing small boulders without any equipment. Basically, it's like hiking with some obstacles thrown in.

[Cobra_Commander]

Fairly accurate. Bouldering is like spending hours of your life trying to do a hard hopscotch sequence.

[Maestro]

"Aid climbing: When the face of the mountain doesn't offer any more grips and holds, some experienced climbers pull out tools like hooks, nuts, camming devices, ascenders, hauling pulleys, aiders, and wall hammers to climb up. This is a very dangerous method."

Originally he had included SUCTION CUPS in his list of aid gear. He got so many e-mails from climbers that he took that out. There is a l-o-n-g thread about this article over on rc.com.

[chalkball]

I can't believe he didn't mention grappling hooks!

[tomtom]

I can't believe he didn't mention grappling hooks!

Yeah, what a dork.

 

[EWolfe]

...and skyhooks! I can't believe they didn't mention skyhooks!

They come in really handy when you run out of rock and want to keep climbing.

 

Idiots.

[sk]

and this is why you really shouldn't ask men anything....

you said it sister

[Ireneo_Funes]

 

 

 

 

I can't get enough of this yearbook photo.

 

[Dr_Crash]

From that very informative articleFull-safety climbing: This is a lot like climbing a wall at the gym. You climb using existing grips while someone on the ground pulls on your rope to make it easier for you.

 

So why is my gym partner always refusing to pull on the rope to make it easier for me? Not to mention on real rock (where are those premade holds again?). I'm gonna demand full-safety climbing from now on; 5.14s, here we come.

 

drC