This is hilarious I cant keep it to myself

[IceIceBaby]

Just read on

Im not trying to offend anyone but this is hilarious and I cant keep it to myself

What a way to go

 

OK, It's that time again. They are finally out again.

 

You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

 

And the nominees are:

 

9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

 

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police

found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

 

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

 

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital -the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

 

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

 

4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

 

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalised.

 

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

 

And the winner:

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smouldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long and straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and

soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners,causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragment of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I, attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph!!!

 

[ 05-03-2002, 10:06 AM: Message edited by: IceIceBaby ]

[roger_johnson]

The winner is not a new entry. This incident happend many years ago. I first heard about it in a book that is at least 5 years old.

[Gimpy]

Regretably, the winner is an urban myth. I remember when this story first started spreading, I read it at the hospital when my 5 yr old was born. A few months later I read an article about urban myths. The author had taken time to check police records on several rumors, including this one. When he contacted the Arizona Hyway Patrol he got a resoponce along the lines of "G. Damn it, I am so F'n tired of this B.S. rumor. It never happened and I have no idea how it started!" New Mexico, Texas, and Nevada have been named as locations where this "happened", all were checked with similar results.

[Country_Jake]

What a nutt.... some of those jack asses sound like they where stupid, and diserved to die... but this winner, was just a crazy... a throtle jockey of some sort...

[freeclimb9]

Bogus story. From the darwinawards.com website, , "Steve Lubars called the Arizona Highway Patrol in July 1996 to research this story. According to Charles DeCarolis at the Arizona Department of Public Safety, "No such incident has ever been described in any Highway Patrol accident or crime scene reports."

[To_The_Top]

What about the guy that flew in his lawn chair with balloons attached, and went to 16,000' over LA, or since he survived it really isnt a Darwin award.

[Dru]

You know every one of those stories is an urban legend... there hasnt been a real event win Darwin awards since Day 1...

[erik]

especially since charles darwin never came up with the survivial of the fittest theory, that belongs to herbbert(?) spencer.....

 

so this post should read the spencer awards or something like that.....geez you people are natural history...

[Alasdair]

Ok, here is a very nearly Darwin award from a couple of weekends ago. This is very true. I got to see the aftermath.

 

On the road outside a motor cycle safety class:

Events written by one of the instructors.

 

During our lunch break, I was standing talking to one of the other instructors when we heard the sound of a bike engine revving down the street. We both turned our heads to see what kind of bike and saw a guy on a Suzuki Sport bike come into view. Suddenly, he gives it more gas and pops a wheelie. I remembered thinking, "oh great, right in front of our students too" then everything went into slow motion.

 

The bike just kept going up and up and I thought, "oh shit, this guys gonna lose it". Sure enough, he kept right on going over until the front wheel was staring straight up at the sky and then it went over.

 

One GOOD thing I can say about Harleys, you never see their riders popping wheelies. ;-)

 

The guy did an admirable job of trying to land running but he must have been going about 60 mph and there was no way he wasn't going to go down. It looked to me like he was just standing there about a foot off the ground but as soon as his feet touched the ground he just planted hard face-first on the pavement, bounced once and then slid. The bike hit the tail piece and then flipped end-over-end several times before coming to a stop in the middle turning lane of the four lane highway he was on. The guy just slid to a stop and then lay there not moving. He must have slid about half the length of a football field on his face before coming to a stop.

 

That's when we unfroze and started running towards him. There were three of us at first - Kat Spitz (our first aid instructor) rushed to aid him, I ran out and started directing traffic behind him, and Mark (the guy I had been talking with), was directing the traffic coming the opposite way (slowing them down to avoid debris) while also making the first cell phone call to 911 (there would be three total).

 

Fortunately, he WAS wearing a full faced helmet and leather gloves. One side of the helmet was sanded flat around the ear. Unfortunately, he wasn't wearing much protection on the rest of his body. Just a heavy windbreaker kind of coat and jeans. Miraculously, I never saw any blood and no "big" tears in his clothing although I saw what looked like a puncture through his shoulder.

 

Most of the soles of his riding boots had been peeled back off his boots and were curled up underneath his feet, though.

 

The kid was totally out of it but was moaning when I first got there. I saw him sit up with Kat trying to tell him to stay down. Then he took his helmet off against her instructions. Then he stood up and wobbled over to the side of the road again against her instructions. She finally threw up her hands and went with him.

 

About that time, two off-duty police women who had been taking one of the other MSF courses across the way came up and took over working on him. Another off-duty cop pulled up in his car and called 911. Then a motorcycle cop pulled up and started taking statements.

 

Pretty soon, we had three aid cars and an army of help so, we just stood out of the way waiting to give our statements to the police. I could hear them asking him things like, "What day is it?" and "How many fingers am I holding up?" or "Who is the president?" to which he answered, "Monday?", "Green?", and "Bush?" respectively. One out of three isn't bad, I thought. The cop finally said, "how about an easy one, is it night or day?" The guy couldn't quite decide how to answer that one. They then proceeded to immobilize his neck and body to a body board and then loaded him into one of the aid cars.

 

The motorcycle cop told us later that the kid (yes, in his twenties) didn't have insurance, a license or permit, and had just purchased the bike about a month ago. Can you say, "SQUID"?

 

Pretty soon, all the vehicles were gone and we were back at our range but still watching as the tow truck guys loaded what was left of the bike onto their truck. They looked over at us - instructors and students with our helmets, etc. and yelled, "DON'T DO THIS". We all nodded. Then they drove their truck over to where we were standing while we all oooh'ed and ahhh'ed at the wreckage then they handed out their business cards explaining, "we tow motorcycles". I thought that was pretty funny but one lady in our class got really large round eyes while looking at the bike on the truck.

 

I tried to reassure her by saying, "don't worry, you won't be popping any wheelies, will you?" to which she just shook her head. She passed BTW.

 

Just another normal, quiet day of MC Safety instruction in Washington. ;-)

[Cpt.Caveman]

I hate reading long stories Alasdair but that onw was sure funny

[Mac_10]

[Dwayner]

The Car Rocket thing? It's an Urban Legend: Check out these comments as posted on The Urban Legends Reference Page

(http://www.snopes2.com/)

 

Claim: The remains of a smoldering JATO-assisted Chevrolet Impala were found embedded in the side of a cliff in the Arizona desert.

 

Status: False.

 

Origins: Of all the crazy Internet stories, this has to be the one fellas love the most. There's something about cars and solid rocket fuel engines that draws them to this tale like happy moths to an unforgiving flame. Maybe it's the Wile E. Coyote-ness of it all, the "so real you can almost touch it" mental image of a smoldering wreck sticking out of a cliff face. Perhaps it's the vicarious enjoyment of a Tim Allen-ish "More Power!" fantasy carried to its fatal yet hilarious conclusion. Or maybe it's a simple matter of cars and the men who love them, the eternal love affair. Whatever. The boys love it, and that's all that matters.

 

This tale of vehicular velocity ferocity has been popular among servicemen since the late 1970s. In those early word-of-mouth versions, the JATO was taken from a cargo plane or out of a warehouse on base, thereby answering a key question left up in the air in later versions: Where did the intrepid lad obtain the engine?

 

The story is even older than that. One of our readers says he heard it in 1961 or 1962. In that version, two JATO units mounted as "lakers" (exhaust pipes) on a 1940 Ford were fired on Bayshore freeway while trying to outrun the California Highway Patrol. The car was last seen going end over end across San Francisco bay. Another reader heard it in 1964 while stationed at Fort Huachuca, Arizona. In that version, the unmanned JATO'd car went airborne and smashed into a tree, destroying both car and plant.

 

The version we now know and love (complete with puzzled police and the smoldering wreck of what's left of a car impacted into the face of a cliff), began making the cyberspatial rounds in 1990. In 1992 the incident was said to have happened in New Mexico, with the car being a Plymouth Road Runner. By 1994 the car had transformed itself into a Chevrolet Impala, but now the accident's venue was California. (See how these things mutate over time?)

 

1995 saw this legend just about take over the Internet as it was flashed from e-mail to e-mail as "this year's Darwin Award winner." It's this version which is still in circulation today, the car frozen in time as a Chevy Impala, the location given as somewhere in Arizona.

 

A spokesman of the Arizona Department of Public Safety stated in a 1996 newspaper article the JATO story wasn't true though they continued to get asked about it. "We get a call on that about every 90 days,'' said Dave Myers. ''It keeps us on the map.''

 

There are two fatal problems with the JATO story. First, anybody who understood the extreme forces involved well enough to attach a JATO unit to a car so that it would keep the car going in a straight line (rather than immediately spinning around) would not do it in the first place. Second, the Arizona Highway Patrol has a phone number. A call to them will confirm they've both heard the story and no, it's not true.

 

Sorry, fellas.

 

Though the legend of the smoldering Chevy smashed into a cliff face is pure fabrication, JATO engines have been mounted on cars on a couple of occasions. As reported in Motor Trend in 1957, Dodge took a brand-new car out to El Mirage dry lake bed in California, removed the gas tank, and mounted a JATO unit in its place. (The intent was to test the car's brakes and to film the event for TV commercials.) The car went 140 mph.

[IceIceBaby]

Meep.. Meep

 

that’s all folks

 

 

[ 05-03-2002, 12:56 PM: Message edited by: IceIceBaby ]

[Dru]

what is the green substance apparently emerging from wile e.'s butt in that picture???

[iain]

meep meep...

[IceIceBaby]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dru:

what is the green substance apparently emerging from wile e.'s butt in that picture???

---

I think this is the smoke from lighting the fuse

 

[ 05-04-2002, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: IceIceBaby ]

[Uncle_Tricky]

Well, this isn't really a Darwin story, cause the guy survived. But then again, it wouldn't have been nearly as funny if he'd died. And yes, its true--I witnessed it!

 

I was living with some friends in Walla Walla, one of which was trying to sell his motorcycle.

 

The first person who responded to the ad was a 17 year old kid, who showed up with his dad. Jason showed them the bike and gave them the sales pitch. The kid wanted to give the bike a test ride around the block.

 

Jason: "You've ridden a motorcycle before haven't you?"

 

Kid: "Oh yeah!"

 

Dad: Shrugs his consent.

 

The kid mounted up, pulled on the helmet, and revved the engine. He popped the clutch and smoked down the street.

 

Half a block away, our street ended in a T intersection. The kid had the acceleration thing down, but no steering or braking skills. He blew right through the T at maybe 30 miles an hour and slammed into the front left quarter panel of the Cadillac parked on the other side of the street.

 

He flew over the handlebars, executed a perfect front-flip-swan-dive over the hood of the Caddy, over the sidewalk and landed flat on his back in the middle of our neighbor's lawn.

 

We ran down the block to see if he was OK. By the time we got there, he'd already staggered to his feet, shaken up, but totally unhurt.

 

The motorcycle had merged with the Caddy, the front wheel bent all the way back under the gas tank.

 

The Dad, seeing his son was OK, walked up to his kid, and put his arm around shoulders. With classic deadpan comedic timing, he said: "Well son, looks like you just bought yourself a motocycle!"

 

 

 

[ 05-04-2002, 11:55 PM: Message edited by: Uncle Tricky ]

[IceIceBaby]

the action

reaction

the after math

 

[ 05-05-2002, 03:58 AM: Message edited by: IceIceBaby ]

[fleblebleb]

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalised.

 

Hey Wayne, do you figure they were practicing for A13?