MARRIAGE

[kitten]

Really what is the point?

Why did you get married - why do you AVOID it?

Tell your story... I am beginning to think that most climbers are dirtbags

Prove me wrong. Or just post your hate theads

Jean W

Edited August 26, 2003 by kitten

[ryland_moore]

Aren't you married?

[iain]

discounts on ski season passes?

[Fejas]

Presents,

Tax benefits,

Insurance benefits,

Loan benefits,

Shared income,

A warm body at night,

Choir sharing,

A nurse to bandage wounds,

A therapist,

so many good reasons...

 

note: items are in no particular order of relavence...

[minx]

no point in it, it suits some people.

 

i was in love, i was young, it was stupid

i don't avoid it, i just don't need my relationship sanctioned w/paper

 

what does being a climber have to do w/marriage?

[rbw1966]

In order for my wifes income to be included in our mortgage funding calculation we had to be married.

 

Tres romantique!

[kitten]

minx said:

no point in it, it suits some people.

 

what does being a climber have to do w/marriage?

Marriage is just a connection of two people. In reagards to it being with a climber that is another story.

It seems that climbing is a must in the 'climbing community'. And if asked not to climb for the benefit of a family, ect. that would be controlling and misunderstood.

 

I for one have NOT asked my husband to stop climbing - never would. But there is something seriously lacking!

[kitten]

ryland_moore said:

Aren't you married?

It is a very good question? Some days I believe that I am and others I am unsure. What about you?

Actually this is not about me... I want to know why some people will stay with someone for life and others have to wonder? What is the draw to your partner? Why do you want a commitment or want to be single?

[RobBob]

Wanting to spend the rest of my life with someone I love was reason #1. Wanting to have kids, and to raise them in a stable household, was a far-off notion that became more important as time went on. Seems to me that the act of getting married puts you on the spot---if the relationship fails, you've lost more. But like everything else, if you've got more on the line, you're also probably more likely to work harder to make the relationship last.

 

I put a lot of stock in traditions like marriage ceremonies, funerals, etc. They serve a purpose, make us look up and remember what life is about. The act of marriage is committing.

[RuMR]

RobBob said:

Wanting to spend the rest of my life with someone I love was reason #1. Wanting to have kids, and to raise them in a stable household, was a far-off notion that became more important as time went on. Seems to me that the act of getting married puts you on the spot---if the relationship fails, you've lost more. But like everything else, if you've got more on the line, you're also probably more likely to work harder to make the relationship last.

 

I put a lot of stock in traditions like marriage ceremonies, funerals, etc. They serve a purpose, make us look up and remember what life is about. The act of marriage is committing.

 

Well stated!

[mattp]

Kitten, I think you are correct that "climbing is a must in the climbing community." Climbing is kind of a disease; those of us who take to it tend to get addicted and we are likely to become hostile if kept in a cage without an opportunity to climb. I have destroyed prior relationships over this selfish and self-indulgent habit and now am married to a woman who feels neglected at times, but who seems to understand that it is an important part of who I am -- does that make me a dirtbag?

[lummox]

kitten said:

Really what is the point?

beats me. and i do. and then at least im having sex with someone i love.

[erik]

I CANT WAIT FOR THE DAY WHEN I GET MARRIED!

 

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY I AM GOING TO WIN?

 

BUT SERIOUSLY I THINK IT IS IMPORTANT FOR TWO PEOPLE TO ACKNOWLDGE THEIR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER IN A PUBLIC ARENA. HUMANS ARE ALL ABOUT LOOK AT ME, SO I THINK THIS FULFILLS THIS. ALSO WHAT IS GOOF ABOUT SNEAKING AROUND AND JUST FUCKING? LEAVES YOU EMPTY IN THE END.

 

I LIKE THE STABLITY.

 

[lummox]

erik said:

I LIKE THE STABLITY.

party on!

[minx]

mattp said:

Kitten, I think you are correct that "climbing is a must in the climbing community." Climbing is kind of a disease; those of us who take to it tend to get addicted and we are likely to become hostile if kept in a cage without an opportunity to climb. I have destroyed prior relationships over this selfish and self-indulgent habit and now am married to a woman who feels neglected at times, but who seems to understand that it is an important part of who I am -- does that make me a dirtbag?

 

matt, i think that climbing is a self indulgent activity but i don't think this issue is limited to the climbing community. i think that anytime you become involved with someone who has a passion outside of the relationship this issue comes up. i have taken backseat to the activities of others and i have neglected those in my life b/c of my pursuits. However, despite some of the negatives, i've always found that surrounding myself with people who have a passion in their life other than me overall does nothing but add positively to my life and make me better overall.

 

as for the tradition of marriage, nothing says committed like a 30 year mortgage! being married doesn't make you try any harder to work things out, it's too easy to get divorced. i think it takes more dedication to stay when there's absolutely nothing forcing you to do so. i do like the stability of one person though.

[Greg_W]

lummox said:

erik said:

I LIKE THE STABLITY.

party on!

 

I saw this story on TV!!! Classic!!!!

[David_Parker]

It is a question I contemplate daily. It often seems the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. For a while I was more focused on the other side, but recently I have been making an extra effort to find the good things on my side. It has improved things. Without a doubt, marriage is a higher level of commitment and most people will work harder to make it work. My wife can see how grumpy I get if I don't go climbing and has become more understanding with time. Climbers are passionate about their chosen sport and if a spouse does not have at least one passion that is comprable, whether it is another sport or quilting, then it would be difficult for that spouse to "understand" our needs. As climbers, we need to be sensitive to the fact a spouse has good reason to worry why we are away. One thing I do is "register" with my wife. I have a form that says where I'm going, where the car is parked and type/licence #, day in/day out, closest ranger station with phone #, and when to call someone if I have not called by a certain time.

 

As climbers, we are into instant gratification, have larger egos and require activities that release endorphins or adrenaline. Climbing and sex do this. I don't like climbing the same thing over and over and so I can say along those lines, the idea of sex with other woman is intriguing to me. To me, that has nothing to do with how much I love my wife, but I also think most American woman would have an extremely difficult time understanding that. I'd say marriage keeps me in check in that department and is why I question it sometimes. I'm selfish, what can I say? Does that make me a dirtbag?

I'd probably be more of a dirtbag if I got divorced!

 

When I got married I wasn't thinking about kids. Now I have a wonderful 8 year old son and I can NOT even imagine life without him. I do think if you want to have kids, you should be married. So I'm glad I'm am.

 

[RobBob]

being married doesn't make you try any harder to work things out, it's too easy to get divorced. i think it takes more dedication to stay when there's absolutely nothing forcing you to do so.

 

This ain't true for me. But as mama said, "it's a good thing we're all different!"

 

Boy, I'm just glad I'm not Dave Parker...when his wife reads that shit about sex.... Most of what he writes is dead-on. But honey, I totally disagree with him on that part about the strange!

[chelle]

The whole marriage issue is kinda complex to try to explain via a bulletin board. But here are my two cents on the issue.

 

Success and failure and willingness to work it out and endure the rough spots is so reliant on the individuals involved. Their values and their own experiences and role models.

 

Climbing like any strong passion will probably create some conflict in the relationship, particularly if the two people don't share the passion similarly. It's how conflict is dealt with that matters, not what the source of it is.

 

Like Minx, I was young and dumb. I was arrogant and didn't believe the people who told me I didn't know myself well enough to commit to being with someone for the rest of my life. When it started to go south, I think I wanted to prove them wrong and made compromises I now regret to try to make it work. That just delayed the inevitable for several more years. It still didn't work, but I learned a lot and hope to not make the same mistakes again.

 

Like Erik, I think marriage is great (although I'm not sure he was being serious) when it does work. When I have seen marriage work it is because both people had trust and respect for eachother, and for the relationship they share. They recognize that they were each individuals with their own hopes, dreams and desires. But they also recognize that they had a big stake in their chosen joint life. That there was a responsibility to make sure they were individually happy (need to be selfish sometimes) and to also do their best to contribute to the other person's life in a way that could make that person happy (need to be generous and compassionate - and let their partner be selfish sometimes). This covers both the day-to-day stuff and the big picture stuff.

 

Climbers are dirtbags, but people who love other hobbies/lifestyles/sports can also be just as selfish, so don't write someone off because they climb. Most of the guys I know are pretty independent and haven't felt the need to make finding a companion a priority. There seems to be a complete lack of trust that anyone will "let" them be themselves and they'll have to give up too much for such little reward. Hell, I feel that way sometimes too, but try to keep the cynicism at bay. There are more rewards to relationships than regular sex without condoms. Sex is the easy part, relationships are hard. But I guess you have to be in a good one to understand the rewards for the effort.

[David_Parker]

RobBob said:

Boy, I'm just glad I'm not Dave Parker...when his wife reads that shit about sex.... Most of what he writes is dead-on. But honey, I totally disagree with him on that part about the strange!

 

Yeah Rob, I debated about writing that on the internet. I don't think my wife reads this board, but I decided I wanted to be blatantly honest about what I think to see what kind of reaction I'd get. We Americans seem to always be "hiding" behind our true feelings and not saying what we really think. I do NOT believe in "PC". I find it's just easier to be truthful; it seems to open doors with other people who are initially shocked...or fein being shocked. In reality I'd rather discuss this whole subject in private with you, Kitten or even my wife. I have nothing to hide, but a public forum IS risky. I'm a risk taker though!

[lummox]

David_Parker said:

One thing I do is "register" with my wife. I have a form that says where I'm going, where the car is parked and type/licence #, day in/day out, closest ranger station with phone #, and when to call someone if I have not called by a certain time.

thats the funniest thing i read in weeks.

[RobBob]

Dave, well said....you know I was kidding ya .

 

Lummox, if you head off into the alpine w/o leaving your wife info on your whereabouts, you're an ass.

 

It's called "do unto others." There was a bunch of sarcasm in an old thread on the subject of climbing with members of the opposite sex, to the effect that "if my wife/husband didn't trust me, then we don't have much anyway." Well after a number of years of being married, I can honestly say that neither my wife nor I want each other traipsing into the backcountry with someone else of the opposite sex, and I think that's healthy and common-sense.

 

Who amongst ye can honestly say that if you went into the woods with an attractive something-not-your-mate, and got sweaty together, that sex wouldn't cross your mind? Let the first liar speak up!

[rbw1966]

You should have been in our hood to coast van.

[chelle]

May cross your mind but you don't have to act on it. It's called integrity. I would hate to be limited to just climbing with women once I find Mr. Right. Would seriously limit my choice of CLIMBING partners.

[David_Parker]

ehmmic said:

May cross your mind but you don't have to act on it. It's called integrity. I would hate to be limited to just climbing with women once I find Mr. Right. Would seriously limit my choice of CLIMBING partners.

 

Michelle, I hope you do find Mr. Right.....what about Erik . But seriously, I bet if you did find Mr. Right, you'd be more likely to climb with married men in the interest of not having to do so much explaining. Just another correlation between marriage and climbing, eh?