A joke, for the hell of it...

[Fairweather]

......."full".

[Doug]

Fred walks in to a bar. He spots George W., Donald Rumsfeld and Colin Powell at a table near the back.

He asks the bartender to verify his sighting, and the bartender says "yup that's them".

So Fred walks back there and says "Wow, I can't believe it, what are you guys doing here?"

George W. says "We're plannin' World War 3, sparky!"

Fred says "what are you guys planning on?"

Rumsfeld says "We're gonna kill 25 million Iraqi's and a French bicycle repairman".

"Holy Shit!" says Fred "You'r gonna kill a French bicycle repairman?"

George W. punches Powell on the shoulder and says "see, I told you no one would give a shit about killing 25 million Iraqi's."

[allthumbs]

Subject: The yearly physical

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "What? What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

[specialed]

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?

Michael Jackson doesn't come on your face until you're 14.

[Doug]

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is white, made of plastic and dangerous for kids to play with.

The other is used to carry groceries.

How can you tell when it's bed time at Michael Jackson's?

When the bif hand is on the little hand.

[red]

My buddy Jeff and myself were sailing in the south pacific and stopped off at an island.The island was filled with canables. it as a little sketchy but needing supplies so we went to the local market. on a board On the wall in the market was human brain for sale. The board read BRAINS: big wallers 2 bucks pr lb mountaineers 2.25 pr lb and gym climbers brains 78 bucks a pound. Jeff and I look at echother confused then Jeff says to the cashier why are gym climber’s brains so expensive and the clerk says do you know how many gym climbers we have to kill to get a pound of brain

[ 02-14-2002: Message edited by: red ]

[Curtis]

What does Michael Jackson have in common with K-Mart?

They both have little boys' pants half off.

[Fairweather]

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and The Titanic?

Not everyone went down on The Titanic.

[pope]

A monkey happened across an elephant stuck in a pit. He assured the elephant he could help, then returned twenty minutes later with a Ferrari and a rope. After the rescue, the elephant promised to return the favor one day.

One day, while walking through the jungle, the elephant happened across the monkey who, as you can imagine, was stuck in a pit. The elephant wasn't sure how to help, as he did not own a Ferrari. The monkey suggested that the elephant could lower his trunk into the pit, and when it failed to reach, the monkey encouraged the elephant to try lowering his tool. Sure enough, the monkey could just reach the elephants dangling schlanger and he was rescued.

Is there a moral here? I think there is: YOU DON'T NEED A FERRARI WHEN YOU'VE GOT AN ELEPHANT-SIZED SCHLANGER.

[red]

What is the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon

Michael Jackson has sex with children

[ 02-14-2002: Message edited by: red ]

[allthumbs]

quote:

---

Originally posted by trask:

Subject: The yearly physical

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "What? What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

---

[ScottP]

[ 02-17-2002: Message edited by: ScottP ]

[pope]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dru:

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?", she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands? "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room. "

---

High five, Dru! Funniest damn thing on here in weeks!

[allthumbs]

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into labour and called 911. Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide-eyed toddler what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place! Spank him again!

[Dru]

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She

gestures alluringly to the

bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively

signals that he should bring

his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his

full beard.

"Are you the manager?", she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands?

"Actually, no," the man

replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says,

running her hands beyond his

beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need

you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her

fingers into his mouth and

allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the

ladies room. "

[Zenolith]

Osama bin Laden found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"Infidel, don't you know who I am? I need nothing from a lowly woman," barked bin Laden.

The genie pleaded, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he relented. "OK, OK, I want wake up with three white, American women in my bed in the morning. I have plans for them." Giving the genie a cold glare, he growled, "Now, be gone!"

The genie, annoyed, said "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle. The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken and he had no health insurance.

[Zenolith]

Republicans announced today that they are changing their emblem from an elephant to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.

[allthumbs]

[ 02-22-2002: Message edited by: trask ]

[joekania]

a guy calls his doctor for an appointment for a pain in his elbow. The doctor says just take your morning piss in a cup and bring it in. so the guy does and the doc tells him to call him the next day for the diagnosis.

so the guy calls the next day and the doctor says, "looks like you've got some tennis elbow, just lay off the tennis game for awhile and it should clear up."

so 3 weeks later the guy's elbow still hurts. he calls the doctor again, who tells him to bring another sample. but this time, thinking the doctor is a quack, the guy has his wife and daughter piss in the cup, then for good measure jerks off into the cup. he takes in the sample and calls the doctor the next day. who tells him,

"Your daughter's pregnant, your wife has the clap, and if you don't stop jerking off you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow!"

[allthumbs]

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!".

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?".

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings... It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?".

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?".

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?".

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.".

"Yeah, well there's just one thing...."

"What's that?".

"Have you farted yet?".

"No...."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in San Antonio"

[allthumbs]

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Nancy, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.

The boss pressed on, "Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"

Nancy smiled and lit up a cigarette.... "My lawyer."

[icegirl]

A woman finds a bottle, and out of the bottle (as in most jokes) pops a Genie.

Genie: "Okay lady, you get one wish, make it snappy, I don't have a lot of time here..."

Woman: -flustered- "uh..." (looking around a bit bewildered)

Genie: "Come on, come on... wasting time..."

Woman: "Uh... uh..." (looks over and sees her cat sitting on the counter) "Could you turn my cat into the most wonderful caring delightful prince of a man?"

Genie: "NO PROBLEM!!" *Poof* (genie is outta there)

Woman: looks over and sees where her cat was sitting the most handsome man she's ever seen...

Cat: -in a wonderful baratone voice, the kind that melts the hearts and knees of women everywhere- "Too bad you got me fixed..."

[Dru]

How much did the pirate pay for his ear piercing?

A buckanear!

[pope]

What kind of earring will give you a pain in the neck? A mountaineering.

Did you hear 'bout the new pirate movie? It's rated Rrrrrrrrrrrr!

[sayjay]

Yikes! Someone please kill this thread before the jokes get any worse!!