Let's join Canada

[tomtom]

I'll be happy to ditch Krispy Kreme in favor of Dunkin' Donuts.

 

Keep your heathen doughnut brands at home!

 

OK: for the wanna bes. Learn this speech by heart, replace "Joe" with your own name.

 

Hey.

I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader, and I don't live in an igloo or eat blubber, or own a dog sled, and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada, although I'm certain they're really, really nice.

I have a Prime Minister, not a President. I speak English and French, not American, and I pronounce it 'about', not 'a boot'.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack. I believe in peacekeeping, not policing; diversity, not assimilation; and that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.

A touque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch, and it is pronounced zed: not zee – zed!!

Canada is the second largest nation! The first nation of hockey! And the best part of North America!

My name is Joe!! And I am Canadian

 

All together now ...

 

Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,

I sleep all night and I work all day.

 

CHORUS: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,

He sleeps all night and he works all day.

 

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,

I go to the lava-try.

On Wednesdays I go shoppin'

And have buttered scones for tea.

 

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,

He goes to the lava-try.

On Wednesdays 'e goes shoppin'

And has buttered scones for tea.

 

CHORUS

 

I cut down trees, I skip and jump,

I like to press wild flowers.

I put on women's clothing,

And hang around in bars.

 

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,

He likes to press wild flowers.

He puts on women's clothing

And hangs around.... In bars???????

 

CHORUS

 

I chop down trees, I wear high heels,

Suspendies and a bra.

I wish I'd been a girlie

Just like my dear papa.

 

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels

Suspendies?? and a .... a Bra????

(spoken, raggedly) What's this? Wants to be a girlie? Oh, My!

And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!

 

CHORUS

 

All: He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaaaayyy..... (BONG)

 

[jon]

Image

Edited November 4, 2004 by jon

[klenke]

To all you wussy liberals who wanna cut and run: get in line.

[Ducknut]

I think this says it all.

 

[scott_harpell]

bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha buuuuuwaaaahhh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

[Stemalot]

ya all better learn how to sing this too:

 

 

Official Lyrics of O Canada!

 

O Canada!

Our home and native land!

True patriot love in all thy sons command.

 

With glowing hearts we see thee rise,

The True North strong and free!

 

From far and wide,

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

 

God keep our land glorious and free!

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

 

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

 

Couple years back there was talk aboot taking out "native", "son", and "god" because they are not pc. But I am not sure what happened to that debate now...

[Stemalot]

see attached image

Edited November 4, 2004 by Stemalot

[stinkyclimber]

If you are going to learn the anthem, remember that we are an officially bilingual country...that means you need to learn the French version too:

 

O Canada!

Terre de nos aïeux,

Ton front est ceint de fleurons glorieux!

Car ton bras sait porter l'épée,

Il sait porter la croix!

Ton histoire est une épopée

Des plus brillants exploits.

Et ta valeur, de foi trempée,

Protégera nos foyers et nos droits.

Protégera nos foyers et nos droits.

 

Once you learn the French language version, you next need to learn that Quebec does things a little differently than the Rest of Canada (ROC)....check out the translation of the french version:

 

O Canada! Land of our forefathers

Thy brow is wreathed with a glorious garland of flowers.

As in thy arm ready to wield the sword,

So also is it ready to carry the cross.

Thy history is an epic of the most brilliant exploits.

 

Chorus

Thy valour steeped in faith

Will protect our homes and our rights

Will protect our homes and our rights.

 

If Quebec'ers thought they could have slipped in a "Go fuck yourself, Canada" into the french version, they would have.

 

However, Quebec has lots of good, if short, ice climbing here.

[AlpineK]

When I was in France the french all thought people from Quebec were a bunch of slack jawed motherfuckers.

[Dru]

But you can't get La Maudite in France.

[cj001f]

When I was in France the french all thought people from Quebec were a bunch of slack jawed motherfuckers.

They refer to the language spoken by Quebecois as "Quebonics"

[Ireneo_Funes]

"Quebonics"

[PaulB]

When I was in France the french all thought people from Quebec were a bunch of slack jawed motherfuckers.

They refer to the language spoken by Quebecois as "Quebonics"

That's because Quebecois French is rooted in the 1600's and has evolved differently than Parisien French over the years. For anglophones, it would be like hearing someone speaking Shakespearean English, with a bunch of regional slang thrown in.

 

In my (and Sean Isaac's for you trivia buffs) home province of New Brunswick (the only officially bilingual province), Acadian French is dominant amongst the francophone population, and even the Quebecois can have trouble understanding it because of it's archaic form and the high speed at which it is spoken. To top it all off, many Acadians also speak a dialect called Chiac which mixes Acadian French and modern English simultaneously.

[snoboy]

AKA Franglais...

[Peter_Puget]

We're goin' be neighbors

[tomtom]

"As Canadians, you'll have to learn to embrace and use all the products and culture of Americans, while bad-mouthing their way of life," he said.

 

**********

 

Fri, November 5, 2004

 

Joining's easy, eh

 

Despite that War of 1812 thing Thane Burnett says the states that voted Democrat can join us

 

By THANE BURNETT -- For the Toronto Sun

 

 

Memo to: The Unhappy States of America.

 

Re: Your application for adoption by Canada.

 

Thank you for your interest in becoming us.

 

 

I'm pleased to say that during a regular meeting of all Canadians held at Tim Hortons doughnut shops last night, almost everyone in our country voted in favour of your wish to "cede" to us -- some thought that word may be sexual, others were still upset about that whole War of 1812 thing, and at least a half a dozen ballots were ruined when coffee was spilled pulling out of the drive-through.

 

Though the number in your party is far smaller than expected before last Tuesday's presidential election, we do, however, have strict rules for becoming citizens of Canada.

 

For those blue, disillusioned democrat states, it will involve hard work. A full investigation. No lawyers. Polite questions.

 

At least 15 minutes. And a one-time only full cavity search by a young Canadian border guard who initially was going to vote against your adoption.

 

Complete the requirements below, including a standard "So You Wanna Be A Canuck?" questionnaire. Note the small print about not accepting David Hasselhoff, any tarty Hilton sister or Carrot Top the comic. Before your new terrorist-proof passports can be mailed, your football fields have to be made longer but your list of holidays made shorter.

 

Canadian Tire currency

 

Immediately direct your fast-food clerks to accept the word "pop," when a customer orders a soft drink. From this day forward, all said "pop" must be made with good-for-you sugar, rather than corn syrup, which has made most south of our previously existing border happy and fat.

 

Our common currency will become Canadian Tire cash.

 

Turn your headlights on in the day, but take your shoes off before you walk into someone's house. Don't mix the two up.

 

Expect to now live longer than your former countrymen -- it's the sugar that keeps us going.

 

The word you're trying to pronounce is "about" -- not "abowt."

 

The drinking age of 21 will be lowered to the Canadian 19, so that we may quickly begin to breed new, heartier generations better able to cope with the increased alcohol content of Canadian beer.

 

Put down the gun -- the word "pissed" means we're just once again drunk, not, as you believe, angry.

 

While your Smithsonian, the Museum of Natural History and Broadway sound, yawn, interesting, you may want to reprint your new Canadian tourist brochures -- in three languages; English, French and American -- with more appropriate spots like Joe's field of scarecrows in Cape Breton and a flying saucer in Moonbeam, Ont.

 

When you talk culture my friend, you're talking the world's largest hockey stick and puck in Duncan, B.C.

 

As Canadians, you will be expected to eat more Kraft Dinner than you're used to.

 

All-dressed chips are our space food.

 

You will, from this point on, pretend that Wal-Mart is a Canadian company.

 

From now on, you will no longer have to disguise Canadian landmarks while filming American movies.

 

Tell your children -- that last letter is 'zed.'

 

As Canadians, you'll have to learn to embrace and use all the products and culture of Americans, while publicly bad-mouthing their way of life.

 

Relax. "Boxing Day" is not what it sounds like.

 

Neither is a "Robertson screw."

 

As you know, none of these changes will effect most NHL hockey players in your states, since they're already Canadian.

 

Skill-testing questions

 

Now, fellow northern countrymen, please answer these few skill-testing questions, to complete the process of becoming full fledged citizens. Wow, it really is that easy.

 

(1) What are Smarties?

 

(2) Why is it okay to boast, "Look at me, I have 'Roots' stuck to my forehead?"

 

(3) Name two things Natasha Henstridge and Pamela Anderson have in common.

 

(4) Colin Mochrie is funnier than Wayne Brady because ...

 

(5) Is Jos. Louis a flaky cake or a boxing champ?

 

(6) If you're in Newfoundland, and ask the quickest way to "Dildo," where would they tell you to go?

 

(7) Explain our Senate. To the rest of us.

 

(8) Excluding question No. 3, what's a double-double?

 

(9) We invented instant potatoes. Why again?

 

(10) What's the correct, complete version of the Canadian national anthem (a trick question, since there's no such thing).

 

One more thing -- don't worry about losing Florida. Canadians it.

 

Thank you for not simply taking us over, as we always expected you would;

 

Sincerely,

 

Your new Prime Minister, William Shatner

 

 

 

 

[barkernews]

OTTAWA (Reuters) - The number of U.S. citizens visiting Canada's main immigration Web site has shot up six-fold as Americans flirt with the idea of abandoning their homeland after President George W. Bush's election win this week.

 

"When we looked at the first day after the election, November 3, our Web site hit a new high, almost double the previous record high," immigration ministry spokeswoman Maria Iadinardi said on Friday.

 

On an average day some 20,000 people in the United States log onto the Web site, www.cic.gc.ca -- a figure which rocketed to 115,016 on Wednesday. The number of U.S. visits settled down to 65,803 on Thursday, still well above the norm.

 

Bush's victory sparked speculation that disconsolate Democrats and others might decide to start a new life in Canada, a land that tilts more to the left than the United States.

 

Would-be immigrants to Canada can apply to become permanent resident, a process that often takes a year. The other main way to move north on a long-term basis is to find a job, which requires a work permit.

 

But please spare the sob stories.

 

Asked whether an applicant would be looked upon more sympathetically if they claimed to be a sad Democrat seeking to escape four more years of Bush, Iadinardi replied: "There would be no weight given to statements of feelings."

 

Canada is one of the few major nations with an large-scale immigration policy. Ottawa is seeking to attract between 220,000 and 240,000 newcomers next year.

 

"Let's face it, we have a population of a little over 32 million and we definitely need permanent residents to come to Canada," said Iadinardi. "If we could meet (the 2005) target and go above it, the more the merrier."

 

But right now it is too early to say whether the increased interest will result in more applications.

 

"There is no unusual activity occurring at our visa missions (in the United States). Having someone who intends to come to Canada is not the same as someone actually putting in an application," said Iadinardi.

 

"We'll only find out whether there has been an increase in applications in six months."

 

The waiting time to become a citizen is shorter for people married to Canadians, which prompted the birth of a satirical Web site called www.marryanamerican.ca.

 

The idea of increased immigration by unhappy Americans is triggering some amusement in Canada. Commentator Thane Burnett of the Ottawa Sun newspaper wrote a tongue-in-cheek guide to would-be new citizens on Friday.

 

"As Canadians, you'll have to learn to embrace and use all the products and culture of Americans, while bad-mouthing their way of life," he said.