funny

[glassgowkiss]

this is what i found on cody's web page, how funny, but true

To begin ice climbing:

1. Ask, read, and lose as much sleep as possible wondering what style of ice gear is right for you.

2. Bring you VISA card to your closest climbing store and spend all of next year's disposable income on equipment that somebody recommended based on hearsay.

3. Hide the gear at home and try to control the fear that the thought of "your wife/husband finding out that you just spend $3K that you don't have" will bring to your heart.

4. Using a 10 lb. frozen fish, smash the backside your fingers until you can't hold the frozen carcass any longer.

5. In front of an open refrigerator, strip to your underwear, place 10 or 12 ice cubes around your testicles/boobies, poor a gallon of cold water over your head, and repeat "Man... This is friggin' GREAT!".

6. Tie yourself to a massive object just under the balconies of your local retirement home, display a sign that reads "Save my Future... Reduce Old Age Security Benefits Now!", and try to survive the barrage of large hurling objects coming your way.

7. Ask your neighbour to tie his Rottweiler with a shoelace at the other side of a 4 foot fence. Smack the dog a couple of times and repeat "If the string breaks, the fence will hold him back... the fence will hold... the fence will hold..."

8. Call-in sick Friday morning. Jump in the car with a couple of guys/gals with questionable personal hygiene and drive for 13 hours straight. Get our of the car, realize that there is no ice to be climbed, and return home feeling still excited about the prospects for ice climbing the next weekend.

9. Find out from your new friends that half of the gear that you bought in step #2 is really worthless, and that "...only 'Posers' buy that stuff".

10. Over a romantic dinner, tell your wife/husband that she will be on her own for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Valentines, and Presidents' Day, because you will be driving "up-north" with "the guys/gals".

 

Ice climbing not like anything else. When it is perfect, it's better than the best combination of drugs and sex imaginable. When it's bad, you die.

 

 

 

[dalius]

glassgowkiss said:

5. In front of an open refrigerator, strip to your underwear, place 10 or 12 ice cubes around your testicles/boobies, poor a gallon of cold water over your head, and repeat "Man... This is friggin' GREAT!".

[bubblebutt]

Funny but you forgot

13. Decide to try out gear bought in #2 above by frontpointing up tree in backyard. Fail to get ice tools out of wood. Pull really hard to dislodge ice-tool and get smacked in face, blood everywhere. Listen to wife telling friends between bouts of hilarious laughter that she's married to an extreme tree climber

[Dru]

a friend of mine nearly gave himself an adze lobotomy when he decided to dry tool a brick wall on the side of his house and a brick pulled out and the adze hit him in the forehead. 8 stitches later he had a cool scar and a reminder of why dry toolers take the hammer and adze off.

[glacierdog]

Dang it! I thought that was really how you were supposed to do it!

[specialed]

Dru said:

a friend of mine nearly gave himself an adze lobotomy when he decided to dry tool a brick wall on the side of his house and a brick pulled out and the adze hit him in the forehead. 8 stitches later he had a cool scar and a reminder of why dry toolers take the hammer and adze off.

 

Unless they're in the mountains, then see Glaskow's killer dog and fence analogy.

[Off_White]

bubblebutt said:

Funny but you forgot

13. Decide to try out gear bought in #2 above by frontpointing up tree in backyard. Fail to get ice tools out of wood. Pull really hard to dislodge ice-tool and get smacked in face, blood everywhere. Listen to wife telling friends between bouts of hilarious laughter that she's married to an extreme tree climber

 

Hah, I've done that one too. Hitting yourself in the head with a hammer makes such a sound inside your head. At least I didn't have that tubular adze on the hummingbird, or unlike Dru's friend I'd have made a core sample of flesh down to the skull on my forehead rather than just getting stiches. Might have been cool looking after everything healed though...

[Dru]

i have just been corrected!! twas the hammer that smacked him good in forehead. had it been adze he woulda been much worse off then 8 stitches in forehead no doubt.

[Off_White]

Mine just raised a helluva bump. It was strange, every time I told someone I hit myself in the head with a hammer they'd start to laugh.

[Dr_Flash_Amazing]

 

Nice.

 

[JoshK]

Yeah, I actually have just two hammers on my ice tools because of this. I dont find the adze useful enough to warrant the risk of me hitting my clumsy self in the forehead with it!

[Dr_Flash_Amazing]

It's stories like this that make DFA happy to be a sport climber, where the worst you might injure yourself, at least with your climbing equipment, is to drop a quickdraw on your toe, or maybe get some chalk in your eye. Ahh, yes, it pays to be mundane.

[iain]

only a matter of time before you see some idiot at Smith w/a couple axes "practicing" on sunshine dihedral or something

[Dru]

ahead of his time, Peter Croft at a slide show in 92: "Smith Rock? I went there once . If I ever went back there I'd take some ice tools and crampons."

[glassgowkiss]

let me get it straight, the first post is my cration, just a copy/paste job.

scot decapio had an awsome tooth chip job (the adze mached perfectly after falling off amphybian. i use 2 hammers, but after last nov i am adding some duct tape for padding. even a hammer can give you a nasty cut and black eye.

[cracked]

Wasn't it Croft who onsight-soloed Zebra Seam? If it's true, it's pretty impressive.

[Off_White]

glassgowkiss said:

i use 2 hammers, but after last nov i am adding some duct tape for padding. even a hammer can give you a nasty cut and black eye.

 

Is that the backstory on your gallery pic with the shiner? Did you manage to stay on the climb after doing that? Ouch.

[rbw1966]

JoshK said:

Yeah, I actually have just two hammers on my ice tools because of this. I dont find the adze useful enough to warrant the risk of me hitting my clumsy self in the forehead with it!

 

Likewise.

[cracked]

I want two hammers for the times I get to do some WI, but I can't bring myself to cough up $50 for a hammerhead. I suppose several stitches might provide adequate motivation though.

[salbrecher]

I prefer to climb thick alder trees as opposed to conifers. I find I get more bite in the tree. Any body else have any favorite types of tree to climb. I was thinking of getting some of those wood screws with holes so I can lead the tall fir trees without branches until about 15 meters up. Trees are hardy, they can handle the abuse.

[Off_White]

Power poles, they're already dead.

 

Palm trees were nice for it in San Diego too

[Dr_Flash_Amazing]

Hey, there was a picture on the cover (!) of R&I several years back of some cat frontpointing up a power pole. Some article on midwest ice climbing. Wheeeee!

[Dru]

stumps that have been dead for like 60 yrs are amazingly sticky and can glom onto your tool for hours. i tried a bunch of old springboard-logged stumps in a park near my house once and it was like Brer Rabbit meets da Tarbaby.

[bDubyaH]

I agree, always try for the very tall dead trees, only problem is pulling your tools back out, they stick too well! Plus you get the added bonus of wondering when said tree is due to fall...much more realistic that way.

One thing not mentioned in that list is that you have to go outside on a zero degree day and kiss a piece of metal to remind you what that biner is going to do to your lips when you forget that this isn't sunny weather rockclimbing

[glassgowkiss]

Off_White said:

glassgowkiss said:

i use 2 hammers, but after last nov i am adding some duct tape for padding. even a hammer can give you a nasty cut and black eye.

 

Is that the backstory on your gallery pic with the shiner? Did you manage to stay on the climb after doing that? Ouch.

no actually that was on carlsberg near littlewet. did that thing quite a few times and every time is a battle. that time in particular some dildo left a bunch of fractured ice. not once, but TWO FUCKING TIMES i was hit in the face with ice chunks while cleaning snow. on a way back some fucking snowboarder was tailgating me all the way from whistler, but little niblenuts would not pass me on passing lanes. mind you i was doing about 110km/hr, so it's not like i was driving very slow. i was tired of him sitting on my ass, so i pulled over near brentwood. little fuckwad almost rearended me, even i pulled over onto the shoulder. then he felt like giving me lip. as soon as he saw my bloody face he jumped into his car and took off. i guess a lot of drivers get drunk in whistler after skiing and then you're their ticket back home.

i always climb with 2 hammers. last nov. i was trying a pair of ergos. luckly i was on tr as i completly blacked out from the blow of the hammer to the side of my head. little flake ripped off, causing my tool to slide off a little edge. i saw people using duckt tape or tennis balls, of course it would not work on unbolted routes.