I've discovered at HUGE cover-up by the church.
Jesus came back from the dead all right...as a ZOMBIE!!!
This is what happened:
Jesus somehow became a zombie around his 33rd birthday, possible from the act of cannibalism from his last supper. After eatting the body of Christ and drink the blood of Christ, Jesus started acting funny and Ponches Pilot (hebrew for zombie hunter) couldn't kill the Zombie Jesus so in order to restrain him, nailed Jesus to a cross so he would stop roaming around gnawing on peoples arms and droning on endlessly about BRAINS!!!!
It took the roman army thousands of soldiers to clean up the mess of raving zombies infected by the orginal zombie Jesus.
All artifacts such as the holy grail (infected with the Zombie Jesus's blood...thus granting "eternal life") were gathered up by the vatican after the crusades (the Zombie Wars) and kept in secret vaults to further study in case the Zombie Jesus came back to turn all of humanity into Zombies, as foretold in the book of revalations.
what happened was that after drying out in the sun on the cross, the zombie Jesus appeared dead and was burried. But they never cut off his head! So he was burried, but (however many) days later, the Zombie Jesus came back to "life" again and hasn't been seen, but rumored to be roaming the countryside in search of brains, brains, and more brains.
Every so often the Zombie Jesus will bite an innocent bystander and they will become zombies. A priest is called in to perform an "exorcism," otherwise known as de-zombiefication.
The reason i mention this is i was driving around and saw a large empty cross. This must have meant that the Zombie Jesus somehow got down and is terrorizing forest park in portland oregon.
BEWARE THE ZOMBIE JESUS!!!