Raindawg

....tow a jumbo-jet like this collection of well-organized, color-coordinated and enthusiastic midgets! This year's indoor team (and Coach Bernie) striking a pose before heading to compete at Crag-Giggles Klimbing Gym. Remember kids....no whispering in "iso"! Sorry, boys! You won't have a chance against these crimpin' maniacs! Questions: Why is this man smiling? Why is this man squatting? (Clue: the answer has something to do with reading about how to clip 'biners! Either that or he's got some quickdraws hidden where the sun don't shine!) Back in the day, when it was all novel and such, and there weren't rock gyms on every corner, you could earn ten or twenty bucks if you won a "comp". Them days be over. Canned chicken is what today's sponsors have to offer. Better pretend you like it or next year you'll get NOTHING!!!

Any you big-shots attempt to date any giant-sized womens this weekend? I doubt you even had the courage to try, but one thing is for sure...if you did try....YOU GOT SHUT DOWN!!! BIG TIME!!! "In your dreams, little boulder boy!"

Let's rename it BIG LOU!!!

Figger Eight....get back to work. There's a juice spill on aisle seven next to the Pampers. P.S. Can you get me a pro-deal on a case of Cheerios?

I don't think I'm the only one who enjoyed pope's "Climbing Singles" illustration of a tall gal peering down at her mousey gym-rat boyfriend. So's, I've added a few more snappy images, generously providing you with PLENTY to think about. While you strive to "master" that VERY IMPORTANT 10 foot boulder "problem", your new giant-sized gurlfren is setting her drink on top of the rock while giving you a swift kick to the Jimmy with her big toe. You might be making jokes to the guys in the locker room that you get "three times the action with three times the woman" when, in fact, she's cleaning out your bank account three times faster than your last short-lived alcohol-induced-instantly-determined "life-mate", and she's spending it on her vibrant social life which is three times more fascinating than your own. So grab your tight little chalk-stained, overpriced, sticky-soled wonder booties and saunter back to that indoor gym where you can whine to your "real" friends. Keep that steadily balding head of yours low, while you're bustin' out the usual speculative babble about climbs you'll never do, fully knowing that your giant-sized woman had her bags packed while you were brushing your teeth, and was out the side door even before your delapidated urban mountain bike left the driveway on its way to your crappy job. She's gone, Sparky....drove away in her convertable with the top open, while the neighbors laughed....AT YOU! She's off to something a little more special (not hard to find, really)...maybe she'll put on her XXXXLarge wet-suit and hang-out with the SCUBA cats who get to carry big knifes for prying abalone off the rocks....or maybe the next time you see her, she'll be in a triathlon with 10 people drafting behind her wake during the swim...but one thing is for certain....YOU ARE OUT OF THE PICTURE! So get over it...you had your chance with a giant-sized womens and your standards weren't up to the challenge. "but....but...but...". No excuses. Back to your cramped, smelly work cubicle, your obsession with following this week's trail of colored tape up a slanted piece of plywood (while your "cool friends" cheer!), and your nightly return to the Batman sheets on the bed in the rented corner of your mom's basement. Right now....that big gurl is finishing up her power lunch and yuckin' it up with the gals about the "two week waste of time". Just in case you're wondering....she's talking about YOU! 'nuff said. Are YOU man enough to handle a giant-sized womens??? You can dream it, but can you live it? She's laughing all the way to the bank...YOURS! You've tried them tall and small and nothing's ever worked out. Y'thinks, maybe, perhaps, it just might have something to do with YOU???? You're standing on a chair, thinking your "seeing eye to eye". Physically? I guess...you ARE standing on a chair. Intellectually? Not a chance. If you were a bug, she'd step on you and would be gone before you could feebly attempt to thank her for at least recognizing you.

I just saw him today. Alive and well. Manufacture's rep. for Merrell boots and several other quality lines. Living the life as always. Go Jimmy!

What should you name your daughter????? Need you even ask? "Dwayner" or "Merv" are the only logical choices. That's Merv on the left....O.K....it's not his best moment. Here's another one: Much better!!!

Chirp say: Raindawg say: I've never heard of even one of the pudknockers listed above. Do these guys "perform" during talent night at the community college and then one of their girlfriends sells the home-made CD's after the show? Garage bands? Like Joe's? "We could jam in joe's garage His mama was screamin' His dad was mad We was playin' the same old song In the afternoon 'n' sometimes we would Play it all night long It was all we knew, 'n' easy too So we wouldn't get it wrong All we did was bend the string like... Hey! Down in joe's garage We didn't have no dope or lsd But a coupla quartsa beer Would fix it so the intonation Would not offend yer ear And the same old chords goin' over 'n' over Became a symphony We would play it again 'n' again 'n' again 'cause it sounded good to me"

What? Are you mental??? That thing was a masterpiece and contained all the information needed to bag that seldom-climbed peak...all in the midst of a story of human endeavor, lady-lust and genuine adventure. If that's your definition of spray, brother, than bring more on!

Apparently you weren't frustrated enough to keep you from initiating a topic RIDICULING another outdoor pursuit: Nordic Walking. And the topic of berry picking at Index was a veritable SPRAY MAGNET, although it did seem to be the BIG topic in the Rock Climbing Forum for quite some time. Carry on.

Dwayner and Pope...the two most unwanted people at the Pube Club? I don't think they'll be there. Send me $20 and I'll get you both autographs. Pube Club:

No...few things more hypocritcal than sport climbing....thus the occasional comparisons or pictures of the via ferrata.. but I'm not supposed to mention that, or bolts, or I'll be booted off here again.

Whatsamadduh? Don't like a little dissent thrown on the mutual admiration society? Nordic walking isn't my hobby, but I think it's great for a lot of people. An "Idiot's Guide" on the subject? Why not? I can attest that those things help alot of people (and make a lot of $$$$ too). First part of the book...the American descent into obesity, lethargy and resulting poor health. Next, how walking, starting out one lap at a time, can help a fatty on the way to a better life. Next, stretching, etc. Followed by equipment: what you need and where to buy it. Next, technique...and yes, there is technique, in order to get the maximum accompanying work out with the arms, flexibility, etc. Next: places to walk followed by motivational advice to get you up and going. Later, dietary tips, and other info. to knock the fat off your immense rear. There's a general outline....no charge from me....now start writing. Or do you prefer this: THE AMERICAN FUTURE (and a good bit of the American present): Again...is climbing any less "lame"?

Hey Gary and those of like-mind: Do you really think you're better than Nordic walkers because you go climbing??? Do you think you're cool when you scoff at people who are actually getting off their "fat-asses" and attempting to improve their fitness rahter than sitting on their butts watching Oprah and chomping on Cheetos? Read the big news this week? Obesity and accompanying afflictions such as diabetes are expected to become a major US health crisis in the coming years, if not already. If it takes Nordic walking to inspire someone to get exercise, than I think we should applaud it. IS NORDIC WALKING ANY LAMER THAN THIS?: Special gloves! Special poles! Special "asspacks"! Click Here! Lots of Special Clothing....Just for You!!! Click Here! Special Climbing Clothes for Women Learn Here! Or How About A Class From These Guys? Or Even These Guys! Think about it.

Our apologies...for the lamination injuries....really! Has a photographic memory and a great sense of direction Hands you a piece of chocolate or cheese at a belay Eeeeeeeeh! Alright....I'm tired of this. Too many items in the list. dude...you got a lot of criteria....you ain't never gonna be happy with an unrealistic list like that! Even solo climbing probably won't work for you cuz you'll inevitably pass gas and disappoint yourself!

that shouldn't hurt you unless you take it way too far! if you're climbing hard grades you might have to lunge and hang off of digits of questionable value sounds like you've at least got some sort of life! You just answered your own question, sparky! What does the mean? Getting off the couch for another beer while watching Oprah or running a half-marathon every other day? how's about trying some serious protein like raw fish and a big 'ole steak! That will rebuild some muscle for ya! it's all relative Note to self: stay off of Willis Wall during above-freezing temperatures. It ain't safe or heroic. You drink beer? Eliminate regular beer from your diet and its possible to drop ten pounds in two to three weeks. Some of the best routes in around are only 5.8 as you should See above. aloha, - Raindawg P.S. Good luck, amigo!

How do you think it went, huh? The usual story:

Too bad you didn't leave them on the summit. This guy could have run up there, scoured every square inch of the crater, and been back with the goods in about 20 minutes, give or take 30 seconds:

And by the way, m'brutha Alpinfox...I know these chicks you so excited about...uh....how do I tell you this?...steps asides here for a minute...uh.... (THEY'RE REALLY DUDES!) Sorry to have to be the one to break the news to you. No worries, mate...there are plenty o' other authentic gurl fooball fans who will put on stupid makeup and silly hats....plenty to go around....and dats DA TROOF!

Rhubarb, seen here holding a can full of "Blitz" the Seahawk's mascot...chunks of which he finds in his scat every morning.

YEE HA!!! DUELING PUB CLUBS!!! Alpinfox's choice?: Catbird's selection?: Decisions! Decisions!

Enough of this I wish....I wish.....I wish....like I wish I saw Lincoln recite the Gettysburg Address...it ain't gonna happen so start creating your OWN memories from whatever is going on today. Or go to that 60's theme park known as Evergreen State College and wake up every day regretting the fact that you didn't live in that "Golden Era" where could where you could wear funky clothes and protest an unpopular war (while your drafted friends died overseas)...."ya....but the music was really good!" Whatever. Make your own scene. Joey Ramone, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix ain't comin' back to give you a show. By the way, I saw Frank Zappa at the Paramount in 1984. It was magnificent!