Dwayner

Uh...that's a crazy lookin' picture of my girl Mary Lou...I paid $250 for mine...unframed. Dwayner dug back into the archives and found a much cuter portrait: And a testimonial to the character to Miss Retton that I found on the Internet: "Mary Lou Retton is one of the most normal and down-to-earth athletes that has ever graced the cover of a magazine. She has not even once let her fame go to her head. I have had the personal experience with meeting Mary Lou Retton in person. She is such a nice and realistic person. Shecame to my high school in 1993 and talked to the whole school about staying in school and staying off drugs. She is funny and smart and knows just exactly what she wants out of life, and has never been afraid to get it." So take THAT, Mr. Smart-ass Communist Sport-Climber!

Dude! The song is actually about the mysterious alluring qualities of Fern. Don't make me do one of those deconstruction things where I have to go through and deeply analyze and interpret each word and phrase. Nobody wants that. I don't really know Fern very well, but what I do know about her, she's VERY cool.

Sometimes it takes a big 'ole mountain to turn a boy into a man! Before Rainier: After Rainier:

AND THOSE S.O.B.'S NEVER GAVE THIS GUY A CHANCE!

"Call me ignorant and a newbie to this Sir Tom thing. Educate me. Who the hell is this guy?" Sir Thomas Stoppard, one of the world's finest alpinists. Just in the last six months: N.Face Eiger solo, Hapgood Direct, 6 hours N. Face Matterhorn, Travesties Colouir, 3 hours N. Face Grand Jorasses via Arcadia Chimneys, 7 hours all in one long winter day. Southeast Face of Mt. Everest via Brazil arete. 21 hours round trip from Base Camp solo. New Route on El-Cap, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern", VI (VII?) 5.12c, A-5+. Solo! And the year ain't over yet, sparky! And he's over 60?? As they say up at High Camp on Rain-Dawg, "I.M.A.O.T.U." Dwayner

This: is NOT this: So, all guys with funky hair look alike? Have a little respect for Sir Tom!

Dude! It's this guy! America's new pop-sensation!

GONG!!!

"TOUCH MY LLAMA!"

Fun idea, Michael, and you're smart for doing your research. I was in the business for several years (never an owner though) and there are good reasons why not everybody is doing it. a) liability. those waivers you make your people sign don't hold up if it is you that screws up. Also, insurance ain't cheap but maybe you can get it for a per/client basis and tack it on to their fee. In short, you can't screw up. b) permits....many of the cool places have restrictions on commercial use or require permits. The case of Rainier is extreme but it can be a problem elsewhere. c) competition...a lot of the bigger groups have the money, experience and gear to make it tough. d) it can be dangerous...I always treated whatever I was climbing as if I was free-soloing (even while placing gear, etc.) because the clients can't always be trusted to do stuff right. You have to constantly anticipate the absurd and that's where a lot of experience comes in. I've heard of guides being pull off routes, etc. and I have plenty of scary stories of my own. In short, it helps if you have eyes 360 degrees circling around your head the whole time...you can't imagine what people will do! The old guide's saying: "There are two types of clients: one is trying to kill himself, and the other is trying to kill you." e) guiding ain't like climbing with your buddies. Being a decent climber is important, but equally important is having the skills to teach and to keep your clients out of harm's way. You have to project leadership, confidence and a warm personality even when you're not in the mood. f) it will eat into your personal climbing time. It sounds great to be paid to go climbing, but when you're teaching knots and shouting encouragement to struggling people all day while your buddies are having a good time....it can be wearing by the end of the summer. g) the money isn't that good, unless you own RMI. It's a fun job, I suppose, if you don't have your own house or a family to support. h) In America, any schmoe can hang a shingle on their door and call themselves a guide service. Guide certification isn't mandatory but it's good training and you'll learn a bunch of tips from professionals. With or without the certification, you'd better know your stuff. It's one thing to do your own thing, but you've got innocent people who deserve to come back alive having had a good time. Any guide who's been around a while will tell you that many clients will seemingly turn their minds over to a guide and if you told them to jump into a bottomless crevasse, they'd do it without hesitation. You got to be so careful and aware and not make too many mistakes. It's a huge responsibility. i) it's hard to get started without experience. It's a bit of a paradox..guide services might not hire you if you don't have experience but there are few places to get experience. RMI trains their folks in their own style for their own purposes. I got started by leading many student outdoor trips (essentially an amateru guide service) while in college so that I had something attractive to offer when I started looking for guiding jobs. Maybe you could get on with a climbing school as an apprentice for a season or two and learn how it works and if you like it or not. I'm sure a few people started this way. I hope some of the above was useful. Good luck! - "Dwayner" P.S. As a professional guide, I NEVER accepted cash tips. Dinner and beer, yes. Cash, never...that's a Euro-dog tradition and below my professional style. I charge my fee, I do my work well, everyone's happy, and hopefully they'll come back for more!

"Actualy law suits are pretty rare in the industry and are often settled by insurance companies for "cost of defense." The law is defintely on the guide's side. The highest case in this state was an RMI case in which old Lou won...it was thrown out and never made it to trial..and it was sustained on appeal. There is also a CA case that had a similar result. I have done jury verdict searches and come up with none, that's right none. They just don't occur because America has what is called acceptance of risk in its legal system. That means the client accpets the risk and waives right to suit." I would slightly disagree...acceptance of risk doesn't incorporate the notion of professional negligence. Check out the lawsuits in river rafting, Outward Bound type courses, etc. Someone already mentioned the Colorado ice-climbing thing. Even if you win a law suit, it's still going to damage your pocketbook, your reputation and it's going to make you really nervous until it's resolved. In short, it's a business in which you can't screw up and have it noticed. Besides, the client isn't paying to trust his life to a dangerous wanker. In the case of Big Lou....his partner for decades has been a smart Tacoma lawyer, Jerry Lynch, who can put up a fine defense. And doing the under the table stuff...the state will jump on you for de facto running a business without the paperwork. And if one of your cash clients decides he doesn't like you, a few phone calls will make your life miserable. So handing out fliers and stuff might not be the way to go. If you think you're up for it...get a business license, maybe establish a relationship with a local shop, and do it low-key but correctly. One company I worked for had a nice display in a local shop with a sign-up sheet for further information. I called the prospective clients on the sheet and enthusiastically convinced them that they needed a climbing course...it worked well.

To Fern Figger Eight Funky Allison Frontier Petey Puget Fellow Cacophonic Cascadians From Tom. "I'm gonna lay it on ya, brothers 'n sista's like there be no tomorrow. You see, we be livin' in a monkeyed-up, lemur-striped landscape, festooned with soggy cosmic manifestations of the ultraviolet ceramic shower-head of garbled time itself. While we're twistin' and skating and manicuring our lima-beaned, straw-bent karma through the lycra-clad foamy nozzle of our tortured speculative existence, the radiation from the caged, tie-dyed chimpanzee within belches a *FLASH* of stuccoed insight. I looked into my sock, and I found a piton." I kinda wrote this next song while I stopped at a non-descript coffee and doughnut emporium in Paris (or was it Grenoble) during my whirlwind lecture tour I've entitled, "Entrée vous, Sir Tom!" Actually, to be correct, I modified this song and it thus stands vastly improved: "His friends say stop whining, they've had enough of that. His friends would say stop pining, there's others crags to look at. They've tried to set him up with Lynn Hill and li'l Katie Bro, but there's something about Ferny that they don't know. Ferny....there's just something about Ferny." "Well, his friends would say he's dreaming and living in the past, but they've never been trad climbing, so his friends need not be asked. His friends would say be reasonable, his friends would say just let go, but there's something about Ferny that they just don't know. Ferny...there's just something about Ferny." "Go ahead...ask me about my colon. The answer is fine but go ahead and ask me!" "Steven gave me the most luxurious advice today: shampoo and condition, shampoo and condition. NEVER condition and then shampoo! Are you going to eat that yummy crouton?" "To all my trad friends, and hope-to-be-trad friends. Love...from Tom."

Rain-Dawg rocks....glad you made it so Big Lou wouldn't have to come for you... "See this rope, Goat Boy? I dangle it over that spot you described at least 50 times a summer to rescue guys who dropped their gear. And do you know what happens next? After we sign in at the summit, I lecture them all the way to Paradise and let them buy a few rounds in the Glacier Lounge. It could have been you, sparky! You survived the clutches of The Mountain this time. By the way, Goat Boy, did I ever tell you the story about those guys up on the Kautz Route? You see this rope right here......" [ 09-02-2002, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: Dwayner ]

Miss Allison, to satisfy your apparent need to have your own homeland likewise acknowledged, how's this! Climb away, my Puyallupian alpine soul-sista! Happy now? My "your singularity of focus, dissing sport climbing and sport climbers" I assume that "dissing" means "being critical of"...it doesn't appear in my dictionary, but, a) having focus and conviction isn't necessarily a bad thing. Don't forget, I also think bouldering is kind of lame. These might be unpopular viewpoints to many readers, but it's a viewpoint I care to express. If you don't like it, disagree or ignore it. b) apart from pointing out the folly of sport "climbing", etc. I have also brought you: - Big Lou's Giant-Thang; - Close-encounters with His Lou-ness; - second-hand anecdotes from pope's "Cirque Expedition" including his crapping on a sleeping bag; - reports of drinking from exotic locations including my own home; - imaginary climbing commentary from Sir Thomas Stoppard; - pseudo-intellectual debates with Petey Puget; - The Year of Big Lou; - Alpine Buddy of the Week; - pube-club reports; - assorted humorous insights and exchanges; - and much, much more. "Dwayner....they only like him when he's funny."

"You used to make some pretty darn funny posts...but it's no fun when it's all predictable" Yup. They's loves it when I's funny, but step out of the comedy zone, and I'm a pain in the ass. Perhaps a song is in order: "For the benefit of Mr. Kite There will be a show tonight on trampoline The Hendersons will all be there Late of Pablo Fanques Fare What a scene! Over men and horses hoops and garters Lastly through a hogshead of real fire In this way Mister K will challenge the world The celebrated Mister K Performs his feat on Saturday At Bishop's Gate The Hendersons will dance and sing As Mister Kite flies through the ring Don't be late!! Messr.s K and H assure the public Their production will be second to none And of course Henry the Horse dances the waltz The band begins at ten to six When Mister K performs his tricks Without a sound And Mister H will demonstrate Ten sommersets he'll undertake On solid ground Having been some days in preparation A splendid time is guaranteed for all And tonight, Mister Kite is topping the bill!" SO HOW'S THAT FOR ENTERTAINMENT?

Nice!!!

"I think you're a fucking retard Fence Sitter. Go buy a guide book and a jeep. Read the guide book, learn to drive on Canadian logging roads, and then go climbing. Of course your going to have to solo everything cause your too much of a dickwad for anyone to want to climb with." Hey Mr. Feck...why would I take anyone's opinion seriously who communicates like the above??? It says a heck of a lot more about you than about Fence Sitter! Like I've stated elsewhere...if you don't like the nature or quality of my posts...just scroll by "Dwayner".

Late-Breaking News from the modern world of climbing! This from the deadpoint.com web-site! Aug 26 2002 Chris Sharma on a recent trip to Yosemite sent the sit-start to Dominator (V12). Chris called the new start to Dominator, Dominated. Uping the difficulty to (V13). I just wanted to share this important breakthrough with everybody.

What you talkin' about, gurlfren???? I have NO idea what you're trying to express here.

flefleflefle wrote: "...you may successfully scare away some kids who might otherwise use the board to carry out some fun conversations about sport routes and stuff." So my annoying posts are going to scare the kids away????? Not the rampant comments about equine reproductive organs, flame wars crossing the line from cruel to heartless, vulgar jokes you'd be embarrased to tell in a bar??? Get real, amigo! "There is nothing wrong with sportos. If you don't want to sport climb, then go ahead and don't sport climb." I'll TRY not to. "Just leave the rest of us alone to make our own choices for crying out loud." Dude! Who is stopping you from making choices or doing anything else? What! You wish to stifle my free-expression; my right to share my opinion? Leave "us" alone? How 'bout this....if you don't want to read my drivel, then when you see "Dwayner" as the author of the post, scroll on by. Rock on, Icelandic brother! - Dwayner [ 08-31-2002, 10:59 PM: Message edited by: Dwayner ]

New Guidebook = "get in line and wait your turn".

"Waxing my beard?????" I don't know what that means but I have heard that the words Ko-Ka Ko-la means "Bite the wax tadpole" in Chinese.

Hey S.K.: You talkin' 'bout this?: or this?: YOU KNOW you'd love to drink a Mickey's with Mickey Rooney AND Dwayner!

REMEMBER THIS??? Underneath the comical exterior is also a fat kid who weighed 200 pounds in seventh grade and 300 pounds in high school. No matter what fame and fortune Richard may have achieved, no day goes by that he doesn't feel that fat kid inside him. Maybe that's why he can listen to, cry with, and sincerely feel the pain of the many people who come to him in desperation.

YOUR ETHOS YOUR PATHOS YOUR PORTHOS YOUR ARAMIS YOUR BRUT COLOGNE YOU'RE WRITING HOME YOU ARE HOPELESS YOUR HOPELESSNESS IS RISING AROUND YOU, RISING AROUND YOU YOU LIKE IT IT GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO DO IN THE DAY TIME HEY BUDDY, YOU NEED A HOBBY YOU ARE TIRED OF MOVING FORWARD YOU THINK OF THE FUTURE AND SECRETLY YOU PIDDLE YOUR PANTS THE PUDDLE OF PIDDLE WHICH USED TO BE LITTLE IS RISING AROUND YOU, RISING AROUND YOU YOU LIKE IT IT GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO DO IN THE NIGHT TIME WELL, YOU TRAVEL TO BARS YOU ALSO GO TO WINCHELL'S DOUGHNUTS AND HANG OUT WITH THE HIGHWAY PATROL SOMETIMES YOU'LL GO TO A PIZZA PLACE YOU GO TO SHAKEY'S TO GET THAT AMERICAN KIND OF PIZZA THAT HAS THE UGLY, WAXEY, FAKE YELLOW KIND OF CHEESE ON THE TOP... THEN YOU GO TO STRAW HAT PIZZA, TO GET ALL THOSE ARTIFICIAL INGREDIENTS THAT NEVER BELONGED ON A PIZZA IN THE FIRST PLACE (BUT THE WHITE PEOPLE REALLY LIKE IT...) OH WELL, YOU'LL GO ANYPLACE, YOU'LL DO ANYTHING OH YOU'LL GIVE ME YOUR UNDERPANTS I HOPE THESE AREN'T YOURS, BUDDY... THEY'RE VERY NICE, THOUGH YOU GO TO SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD, YOU GO TO THE BLUE PARROT NO PROBLEM, YOU'LL GO ANYPLACE YOU'LL DO ANYTHING JUST SO YOU CAN HANG OUT WITH THE OTHERS THE OTHERS JUST LIKE YOU AFRAID OF THE FUTURE (DEATH VALLEY DAYS, STRAIGHT AHEAD) THE FUTURE IS SCARY YES IT SURE IS WELL, THE PUDDLE IS RISING IT SMELLS LIKE THE OCEAN A BODY OF WATER TO ISOLATE ENGLAND AND ALSO RESEDA THE OIL, IN PATCHES ALL OVER ATLANTIS, ATLANTIS YOU REMEMBER ATLANTIS DONOVAN, THE GUY WITH THE BROCADE COAT, USED TO SING TO YOU ABOUT ATLANTIS YOU LOVED IT, YOU WERE SO INVOLVED THEN THAT'S BACK IN THE DAYS WHEN YOU USED TO SMOKE A BANANA YOU WOULD SCRAPE THE STUFF OFF THE MIDDLE YOU WOULD SMOKE IT YOU EVEN THOUGHT YOU WAS GETTING RIPPED FROM IT NO PROBLEM AH! ATLANTIS, THEY COULD REALLY GET DOWN THERE THE PLANKTON, THE KRILL THE GIANT UNDERWATER PYRAMID, THE SQUID DECOR EXCUSE ME, TODD THE BIG OL' GIANT UNDERWATER DOOR THE DOME, THE BUBBLES, THE BLUE LIGHT LIGHT, LIGHT, LIGHT, LIGHT BLUE LIGHT BLUE LIGHT THE SEEPAGE, THE SEWAGE, THE RUBBERS, THE NAPKINS YOUR ETHOS, YOUR PATHOS, YOUR FLAG HOLE, YOUR PORT-HOLE YOUR LANGUAGE YOU'RE FRIGHTENED THE FUTURE YOU CAN'T EVEN SPEAK YOUR OWN F*%$ING LANGUAGE YOU CAN'T READ IT ANYMORE YOU CAN'T WRITE IT ANYMORE YOUR LANGUAGE THE FUTURE OF YOUR LANGUAGE YOUR MEAT LOAF DON'T LET YOUR MEAT LOAF HEH, HEH, HEH YOUR MICRO-NANETTE YOUR BRUT COLOGNE "Take That! Touché! Ah-ha! The Knights of Sir Lou require NOT quickdraws! Relenquish thy foolish pursuit, sporty-knave!!!" [And thanks to Mr. F.Z. for the fine poetry. And some anonymous guy on the internet for the fine images.] [ 08-30-2002, 09:26 AM: Message edited by: Dwayner ]