Dwayner

Speaking of Amber....the girl won't leave me alone! Here's one of the many sassy pictures I've received: She lookin' gym-honed and alpine-hard, with arms crossed in that "hey, I'm really quite interested in you" pose. Uh,huh! - Dwayner, Amber's new manager

This icicle story is starting to unravel faster than a cheap, knitted prom dress on the sticky floor of a Mexican cantina! Now did the tooth "pierce" your lip, which in common parlance suggests all the way through as in "I had my lip pierced", or did you get cut and it "didn't penetrate". The inconsistencies are dramatic, and I'm not buying in to the whole sordid tale! Come clean, Dru-dude....you walked into a birdcage at the pet store while buying hamster litter.

Hey Loozer Climers! Yoo guys suk! Do to lack of intrest and the fakt that yoo cheep bassturds diddnt send me any money, YOU WILL NOT HAVE THE PLESZUR OF REEDING MY NEW MAGAZEEN CALLED "KIDZ KLIMBING KORRAL". Forget about it! Im going to make some money frum some other sports that arent so boaring and cheep!!! So if any of yoo are intrestted, Im starting a new magazeen called "Kidz Wind Serfing Korral". Send me $5 if you want a subskripsion others wise go shut up and go back to your lame mounten climming. - Surfman Charlie, Master Windserfer

Mr. Dru be braggin'... "What i recently got pierced was my lip...by my tooth...when punched in the face by a 20 lb. icicle" But earlier and in another subject, Dru said: "I forgot to mention that i got punched in the mouth... by a 30 lb. icicle... my tooth did not FULLY penetrate my lip..." Dude! That icicle is getting smaller each time you tell the story! That's contrary to true spray. Pretty soon, we're gonna find out that it never happened! Maybe you tripped on a snowcone at the mall while shopping for shoes with your gurlfren?

Iceguy say: "Not trying to judge you smokers out there (many of you are my friends)" Dude...get off the fence, man. Smoking sucks. If smokers could keep it to themselves, it would be their own choice if they want to infest themselves with cancer. But when they inflict me with their personal poison, recycled through their own vile lungs and then spewed into the atmosphere in a closed environment....it's more than unreasonable. Plus, THEY make MY clothes, hair and whatever else might be lying around smell wretched. The folks in California were enlightened when they banned smoking from bars and restaurants. WHO NEEDS DANG SECOND-HAND CANCER-FUMES???

In the early 1980's, me and Dave Stutzman worked for Jim Donini as mountain guides. Dave was truly a wildman. He used to tell me that he lived for three things: 1) extreme climbing 2) extreme skiing 3) making love to beautiful women. I recall him walking in to our instructional basecamp on Mt. Baker, barefoot to toughen himself up, because his ultimate ethic was that of the completely unencumbered climber, including no sticky rubber shoes. He used to joke about growing out his toe nails so he wouldn't need crampons. There used to be some climber flop houses in Leavenworth and I think he lived there from time to time. He had a neat route...I'm not sure if he ever did it or not....up in Icicle Canyon which he referred to as the "Ridge du Rodentia", basically doing a one-day solo of the Rat Creek Group. Dave climbed in Europe, China (with Fred Beckey?) and all over North America and was quite a stud. He survived a lot of danger only to die in an avalanche while on ski patrol at a downhill area in Montana. Too bad....he was a Mark Twight, before Twight....philosophical but without the anger. Here you go, Dave!

"I heard from a reliable source that Dwayner passed out on the dance floor at Pube Club awhile back, and was rushed to the emergency room at Harborview. Evidently, the physician who examined him discovered that that Dwayner had a cucumber wedged into the crotch of his new line of ultra-tight pants..." Loser-Trask: Get your dang facts straight!!!! Yes, there was a cucumber in my pants. It was strapped to my leg with duct-tape. It was there for self-defense, not for enhancement. I passed out from a roofie slipped into my drink from some exhuberant cc.com babe whose advances I have repeatedly turned down. I woke up the next morning, not in the hospital, but in the alley behind Hattie's Hat. A receipt for the evening's large bar bill was found in my pocket charged to my credit card!!! The cucumber, though, remained intact and remained firmly attached for another couple of weeks. I also found a crudely scrawled thank-you note from said babe/stalker with her cell phone number. Don't know....don't wanna know!

Dude! What really sucks is when the hook pops and catches your lower lip! (see a picture of me below, taken after I reached the ground.) Here's a true story: back when I wuz in college, my roommate bought these new, hip, devices made by Chouinard for the furtherance of clean climbing in tiny cracks. They were called "Crack'n-ups" and they looked like little ship's anchors with thin blades on the flukes (two different sizes) and a stem with a hole for webbing or a carabiner. Roommate was climbing Narrow Arrow Overhang at Index and slapped a Crack'n-up in an old knifeblade crack. It held him...for a brief moment...before popping out and sending one blade of the crack n'up deep into the palm of his hand. (he was probably protecting his face from a potential "fly-out"). Some people aid climb with plastic glasses, i.e. eye helmets. - Dwayner

Any of you dead guys got some beer-flavored ice-cream around here?

Rabbi Yakov says: "Hey, all you schmoim! Enough of the jibba-jabba! You're giving me spilkes!"

Why don't y'all just SIMMA DOWN NA!!!

Toast must be having a bad 'do day when he refers to his "heir Furor". Try a little styling gel, cap'n! - Herr Führer, Dwayner

Take that!, smarty-pants sport-climber!

Try these on for a few! "Safety Pants", Men Without Hats "Riders in my Pants", The Doors "I Can't Pants", Genesis "Who Let the Pants Out?", Baha Men "Shout at the Pants", Motley Crue "Fire and Pants", James Taylor "Blue Suede Pants", Elvis Presley "The 18 Pants Overture" - Tchaikovsky "Smells Like Teen Pants" - Spirit, Nirvana

"Buy my pants!"

"Dr." Flash say: "Helpful info on fabric repair ..." Dude, don't waste my time with your fabric repair nonsense You know what I want from this site? More beta on the fabrics themselves, including this Spring's new colors and patterns. Have you seen the new Verve "Leda" Capri pants? I predict, (and I usually don't make such predictions so you know I've got some happenin' feelin's about all of this) that these pants are going to take Smith Rocks by storm come April!!! It's gonna be, like, forget that "project", I'm just gonna stand at the base of the Dihedrals rackin' my draws and doing a little sequence miming as my fellow sporto's pass by. They gonna say, "wherdya get the pants?" and I'm going to be elusive and say "Irpac" with a kind of foreign accent so people will think I'm a visiting big boy from the European circuit. (Actually, it's Capri spelled backwards but don't tell anyone.) Then watch.....what happens the following week.....the new pastels and floral patterns will be ALL the rage! So get over the fabric repair and stifle the pie-hole until you can comment on the real stuff.....PANTS!

Mr. Toast writes: "Matt, you are so fucking right on!" Nice command of the English language, Sparky!

Let Big Lou set the standards!

And here's a really BIG, Big Lou!!!

Somebody say, Big Lou???

So catbird. say: "Do some of you honestly believe that if you heap enough opprobrium upon the sport climbers that they will suddenly "see the light" and convert to alpine climbing? How stupid!" "See the light"? Yes. (but not the conversion part). How about some of you more liberal punks who did some soul-searching after 9-11 and asked the question, "why don't they like us????" Good use of the word, "opprobrium". I'm really stupid so I looked it up in the dictionary: "the disgrace or the reproached incurred by conduct considered outrageously shameful." Notice the use of the word "conduct". Some of us feel that the methodology (and the concept) of sport-climbing is distasteful. Do you have to approve of our opinion? No. Are we going to stop you from sport-climbing? No, probably not unless you are illegally on our private property or you are attempting to over-bolt a nice area in which case we'll seek a legal injunction. So go ahead....hang-dog, clip that bolt three feet from the last one, convince yourself after unlimited rehearsals that you really are a 5.13 climber...or listen to the dissent, decide if others have a point or not, and carry on accordingly. Personally, I'm not out to convert anyone to alpine climbing, in fact, the less people I see in the mountains, the happier I am. I'm just expressing the notion that some people think sport-climbing is lame. And here's another entertaining turn o'phrase, or slip, courtesy of the ubiquitous Mrs. "Muffy": "does it realy bother you so much when some one you have never met, may never meat..." Is this a new, hip term for "doing the nasty"? e.g., "Let's meat in the back seat of your car." ? Funny stuff. - D.

Sit on a potato pan Otis.

"Cracked", he say: "Honestly, I am not picking on you, only voicing my opinion that the general SportClimbingSucks attitude held by a few prominent individuals on this board is inherently ridiculous considering the intent of this board. Maybe they should start their own website: www.sportclimbingsucks.com. It's all climbing, and it's all good in my book!" At the request of my Icelandic brother, fleflebfleb, I would like to remind "Cracked" of a couple of things: a) some of us genuinely think sport-climbing sucks. Some of us think it is a dumbing down, and one of the weakest manifestations, of a cool recreational activity. Some of us also deplore the the often cavalier and indiscriminate use of bolts that accompanies this style of climbing. I could go on and on but this discussion is an old, old, old one and I gather that many people are sick of it in a big way unless there is some real enthusiasm to dredge up the bolt wars topic again for this new year. And why start a new web-site when we can just use this one to express the opinion you find annoying? Express an unpopular opinion in a democracy? I'm afraid that's something you'll just have to learn to tolerate. What a country!!! Meanwhile, most of us seem to be willing to read (and occasionally respond to) inane waxings on the subject of bouldering sit-starts, illusions of achievement resulting from unlimited rehersals of short bolted climbs, and so forth. b) the expression "it's all good" is quickly becoming one of the most baseless and overused clichés ever. Rarely is anything "all good" and this sort of thinking can lead to serious lack of discernment. Wacking big pins into a clean crack? "It's all good!", Chipping holds? "It's all good!", Grid-bolting? "It's all good!" No....some of us do not believe that it is "all good". And re: the "I don't like your attitude so maybe you should go elsewhere!" stance....that is so p.c. Diversity is tolerated as long as it matches the party line. I haven't seen too many trad climbers suggesting that sporto's take a hike...we just think they kinda suck and perhaps they will someday achieve enlightment and understand our position. Have a nice day. - Dwayner