glassgowkiss Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I need to learn spanish quick. every day there are 50K hispanics turning 18! Any ideas? Quote
KaskadskyjKozak Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I need to learn spanish quick. every day there are 50K hispanics turning 18! Any ideas? based on your track record learning English, this is a lost cause Quote
ivan Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 telemundo - goal, goal, gooooooooooooaaaaaalllll!!!!! Quote
olyclimber Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Yeah, move to Spanish! Otherwise, if you want to live here, learn to speak American. Quote
tvashtarkatena Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Ivan mixes Olde, Middle, and Hunterglish to concoct an unholy lexical gumbo that only a Chaucer on acid could fully decipher. This is what can happen when Beowulf and Kerouac schedule a play date at a Franzia winery. Quote
ivan Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 ...at a Franzia winery. foresooth and thank dog for unfettered capitalism, which oft allows a cheaper option for my parched pallete, that sweet elixir of the good souls at peter vella's Quote
tvashtarkatena Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 How am I supposed to know your favorite brand when it always comes in the same old crinkly Aquafina bottle? Quote
ivan Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 How am I supposed to know your favorite brand when it always comes in the same old crinkly Aquafina bottle? recyling - it ain't foreplay, but it IS important Quote
KaskadskyjKozak Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Ivan mixes Olde, Middle, and Hunterglish to concoct an unholy lexical gumbo that only a Chaucer on acid could fully decipher. This is what can happen when Beowulf and Kerouac schedule a play date at a Franzia winery. Not Beowulf again... Quote
tvashtarkatena Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Now GGK, he just puts five common words in a blender with the lid off, tosses in a stray pig or a dog, hits 'chop', and out pops a sentence. Quote
billcoe Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Trip report generator for anyone trying to keep up with Ivan? http://www.the-elite.net/story-generator/ Quote
billcoe Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 It's lacking. It all started when our uber geek, ivan, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling abundantly stunned, ivan slapped a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved ice axe was missing! Immediately he called his favorite Mormon, trash. ivan had known trash for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were electric ones. trash was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... insensitive. ivan called him anyway, for the situation was urgent. trash picked up to a very nervous ivan. trash calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats shudder before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually explosively sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting ivan. Why was trash trying to distract ivan? Because he had snuck out from ivan's with the ice axe only eleven days prior. It was a flamboyant little ice axe... how could he resist? It didn't take long before ivan got back to the subject at hand: his ice axe. trash cringed. Relunctantly, trash invited him over, assuring him they'd find the ice axe. ivan grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, trash realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the ice axe and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if ivan took the pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac, he had take at least seven minutes before ivan would get there. But if he took the hiking boots? Then trash would be abnormally screwed. Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, trash was interrupted by seven annoying marmots that were lured by his ice axe. trash sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling puzzled, he recklessly reached for his carrot and skillfully slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the hiking boots rolling up. It was ivan. ----o0o---- As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, ivan was out of the hiking boots and went exotically jaunting toward trash's front door. Meanwhile inside, trash was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the ice axe into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his canoe. trash was angered but at least the ice axe was concealed. The doorbell rang. 'Come in,' trash indiscriminately purred. With a hasty push, ivan opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying noble genius in a magic flying carpet,' he lied. 'It's fine,' trash assured him. ivan took a seat RIGHT next to where trash had hidden the ice axe. trash sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But ivan was distracted. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, trash noticed a insensitive look on ivan's face. ivan slowly opened his mouth to speak. '...What's that smell?' trash felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when ivan asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the ice axe right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on ivan's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. ivan nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before trash could react, ivan aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The ice axe was plainly in view. ivan stared at trash for what what must've been four seconds. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, trash groped exotically in ivan's direction, clearly desperate. ivan grabbed the ice axe and bolted for the door. It was locked. trash let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, ivan,' he rebuked. trash always had been a little abrasive, so ivan knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before trash did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at him or something. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he gripped his ice axe tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels. trash looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from ivan. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for ivan. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. trash walked over to the window and looked down. ivan was gone. ----o0o---- Just yonder, ivan was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind trash's place. ivan had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the ice axe. One by one they latched on to ivan. Already weakened from his injury, ivan yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with his ice axe. About six hours later, ivan awoke, his taint throbbing. It was dark and ivan did not know where he was. Deep in the uninhabited haunted thicket, ivan was abnormally lost. Ever so extemperaneously, he remembered that his ice axe was taken by the marmots. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enlarged marmot emerged from the haunted thicket. It was the alpha marmot. ivan opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the marmot sunk its teeth into ivan's fingernail. With a faint groan, the life escaped from ivan's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure. Less than two miles away, trash was entombed by anguish over the loss of the ice axe. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened wolverine. With a skillful thrust, he buried it deeply into his shin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about ivan... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the ice axe that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant marmots, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'( LOLz!!1 *** L337 Story Generator v1.0 *** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-present *** Forever pwning with earnest. Quote
Choada_Boy Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 It's lacking. It all started when our uber geek, ivan, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling abundantly stunned, ivan slapped a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved ice axe was missing! Immediately he called his favorite Mormon, trash. ivan had known trash for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were electric ones. trash was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... insensitive. ivan called him anyway, for the situation was urgent. trash picked up to a very nervous ivan. trash calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats shudder before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually explosively sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting ivan. Why was trash trying to distract ivan? Because he had snuck out from ivan's with the ice axe only eleven days prior. It was a flamboyant little ice axe... how could he resist? It didn't take long before ivan got back to the subject at hand: his ice axe. trash cringed. Relunctantly, trash invited him over, assuring him they'd find the ice axe. ivan grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, trash realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the ice axe and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if ivan took the pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac, he had take at least seven minutes before ivan would get there. But if he took the hiking boots? Then trash would be abnormally screwed. Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, trash was interrupted by seven annoying marmots that were lured by his ice axe. trash sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling puzzled, he recklessly reached for his carrot and skillfully slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the hiking boots rolling up. It was ivan. ----o0o---- As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, ivan was out of the hiking boots and went exotically jaunting toward trash's front door. Meanwhile inside, trash was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the ice axe into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his canoe. trash was angered but at least the ice axe was concealed. The doorbell rang. 'Come in,' trash indiscriminately purred. With a hasty push, ivan opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying noble genius in a magic flying carpet,' he lied. 'It's fine,' trash assured him. ivan took a seat RIGHT next to where trash had hidden the ice axe. trash sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But ivan was distracted. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, trash noticed a insensitive look on ivan's face. ivan slowly opened his mouth to speak. '...What's that smell?' trash felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when ivan asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the ice axe right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on ivan's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. ivan nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before trash could react, ivan aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The ice axe was plainly in view. ivan stared at trash for what what must've been four seconds. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, trash groped exotically in ivan's direction, clearly desperate. ivan grabbed the ice axe and bolted for the door. It was locked. trash let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, ivan,' he rebuked. trash always had been a little abrasive, so ivan knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before trash did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at him or something. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he gripped his ice axe tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels. trash looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from ivan. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for ivan. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. trash walked over to the window and looked down. ivan was gone. ----o0o---- Just yonder, ivan was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind trash's place. ivan had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the ice axe. One by one they latched on to ivan. Already weakened from his injury, ivan yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with his ice axe. About six hours later, ivan awoke, his taint throbbing. It was dark and ivan did not know where he was. Deep in the uninhabited haunted thicket, ivan was abnormally lost. Ever so extemperaneously, he remembered that his ice axe was taken by the marmots. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enlarged marmot emerged from the haunted thicket. It was the alpha marmot. ivan opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the marmot sunk its teeth into ivan's fingernail. With a faint groan, the life escaped from ivan's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure. Less than two miles away, trash was entombed by anguish over the loss of the ice axe. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened wolverine. With a skillful thrust, he buried it deeply into his shin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about ivan... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the ice axe that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant marmots, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'( LOLz!!1 *** L337 Story Generator v1.0 *** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-present *** Forever pwning with earnest. I took the time to translate some the above through a few different languages and then back into English. I makes just as much sense: "It started operations in all of our products, Ivan, I woke up in a box wizard. It happened again. Dizziness, (but as usual, he did not do), and beating Ivan him around the stem to feel better, I feel that I have. Burning Heart, full of energy, it is not a little heart! Immediately he called his beloved against the will of Mormon. According to Ivan million years or power more dirt (more or less) is as before. Debris was unique. Sometimes a little bit, but he was charismatic ... Insensitive. Ivan called for more urgent matters. Garbage Collection Ivan was very nervous. Indonesian garbage calm him before mating cats that Satan trembles, but the squirrels usually after mating explosives * sigh transmitted diseases. What kind of people do not realize is Ivan selling property only. Why try to divert waste Ivan? Since there were only 11 days before Ivan, he survived an ax-like. It was a little difficult with the ice pick ... How could I resist? The Ivan almost certain that it was long after the return. Leave. Relunctantly garbage called him, and he'll be sure to find an ax. Swing Ivan grabbed him and he was gone. I had a problem hanging up in the garbage. Safe place to cover the pit. Ivan painted in a fresh and sweet Pimp "Luck, the next Ivan will take at least seven minutes. Hiking boots: How you get abnormally bent the garbage." Quote
glassgowkiss Posted November 11, 2012 Author Posted November 11, 2012 It's lacking. It all started when our uber geek, ivan, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling abundantly stunned, ivan slapped a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved ice axe was missing! Immediately he called his favorite Mormon, trash. ivan had known trash for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were electric ones. trash was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... insensitive. ivan called him anyway, for the situation was urgent. trash picked up to a very nervous ivan. trash calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats shudder before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually explosively sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting ivan. Why was trash trying to distract ivan? Because he had snuck out from ivan's with the ice axe only eleven days prior. It was a flamboyant little ice axe... how could he resist? It didn't take long before ivan got back to the subject at hand: his ice axe. trash cringed. Relunctantly, trash invited him over, assuring him they'd find the ice axe. ivan grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, trash realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the ice axe and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if ivan took the pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac, he had take at least seven minutes before ivan would get there. But if he took the hiking boots? Then trash would be abnormally screwed. Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, trash was interrupted by seven annoying marmots that were lured by his ice axe. trash sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling puzzled, he recklessly reached for his carrot and skillfully slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the hiking boots rolling up. It was ivan. ----o0o---- As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, ivan was out of the hiking boots and went exotically jaunting toward trash's front door. Meanwhile inside, trash was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the ice axe into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his canoe. trash was angered but at least the ice axe was concealed. The doorbell rang. 'Come in,' trash indiscriminately purred. With a hasty push, ivan opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying noble genius in a magic flying carpet,' he lied. 'It's fine,' trash assured him. ivan took a seat RIGHT next to where trash had hidden the ice axe. trash sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But ivan was distracted. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, trash noticed a insensitive look on ivan's face. ivan slowly opened his mouth to speak. '...What's that smell?' trash felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when ivan asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the ice axe right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on ivan's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. ivan nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before trash could react, ivan aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The ice axe was plainly in view. ivan stared at trash for what what must've been four seconds. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, trash groped exotically in ivan's direction, clearly desperate. ivan grabbed the ice axe and bolted for the door. It was locked. trash let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, ivan,' he rebuked. trash always had been a little abrasive, so ivan knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before trash did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at him or something. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he gripped his ice axe tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels. trash looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from ivan. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for ivan. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. trash walked over to the window and looked down. ivan was gone. ----o0o---- Just yonder, ivan was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind trash's place. ivan had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the ice axe. One by one they latched on to ivan. Already weakened from his injury, ivan yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with his ice axe. About six hours later, ivan awoke, his taint throbbing. It was dark and ivan did not know where he was. Deep in the uninhabited haunted thicket, ivan was abnormally lost. Ever so extemperaneously, he remembered that his ice axe was taken by the marmots. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enlarged marmot emerged from the haunted thicket. It was the alpha marmot. ivan opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the marmot sunk its teeth into ivan's fingernail. With a faint groan, the life escaped from ivan's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure. Less than two miles away, trash was entombed by anguish over the loss of the ice axe. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened wolverine. With a skillful thrust, he buried it deeply into his shin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about ivan... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the ice axe that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant marmots, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'( LOLz!!1 *** L337 Story Generator v1.0 *** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-present *** Forever pwning with earnest. I took the time to translate some the above through a few different languages and then back into English. I makes just as much sense: "It started operations in all of our products, Ivan, I woke up in a box wizard. It happened again. Dizziness, (but as usual, he did not do), and beating Ivan him around the stem to feel better, I feel that I have. Burning Heart, full of energy, it is not a little heart! Immediately he called his beloved against the will of Mormon. According to Ivan million years or power more dirt (more or less) is as before. Debris was unique. Sometimes a little bit, but he was charismatic ... Insensitive. Ivan called for more urgent matters. Garbage Collection Ivan was very nervous. Indonesian garbage calm him before mating cats that Satan trembles, but the squirrels usually after mating explosives * sigh transmitted diseases. What kind of people do not realize is Ivan selling property only. Why try to divert waste Ivan? Since there were only 11 days before Ivan, he survived an ax-like. It was a little difficult with the ice pick ... How could I resist? The Ivan almost certain that it was long after the return. Leave. Relunctantly garbage called him, and he'll be sure to find an ax. Swing Ivan grabbed him and he was gone. I had a problem hanging up in the garbage. Safe place to cover the pit. Ivan painted in a fresh and sweet Pimp "Luck, the next Ivan will take at least seven minutes. Hiking boots: How you get abnormally bent the garbage." Now this is some funny shit. Quote
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