highclimb Posted September 9, 2002 Posted September 9, 2002 hey again i turn to the cc community to help me with school realted issues. i am trying out for the fall play at my school and the audition consists of me telling one joke. now i need some help because i want a really funny one. now i am sure you guys know some that arnt to vulgar. thanks, Aidan Quote
rr666 Posted September 9, 2002 Posted September 9, 2002 Somehow, I do not think you will find too many non-vulgar jokes on this site... Quote
allthumbs Posted September 9, 2002 Posted September 9, 2002 Are you fucking nuts? No one around here knows a good clean joke. That'd be sacrilegious. Quote
freeclimb9 Posted September 9, 2002 Posted September 9, 2002 This guy was lonely and depressed so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. The man went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy a unique and unusual animal to be a companion. After some discussion, the owner brought out a little white box that he said contained a talking centipede. The man, although skeptical, took the box back home, found a good location for his purchase, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the bar with me and have a beer?" The man waited but there was no answer from his pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes thinking his new pet might be shy, and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But once again, there was no answer. The man was starting to feel ripped off so after a few more minutes he tried again. Only this time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, ''Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the bar and have a drink with me?" Finally, a little voice came out of the box, "Jesus Christ man, I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my damn shoes." Quote
pope Posted September 9, 2002 Posted September 9, 2002 What happened to the lady who backed into the airplane propeller? Disaster. Quote
Poseur Posted September 9, 2002 Posted September 9, 2002 Clean is in the eye of the beholder... A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." This they tried and, sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. Enraged, the male whale told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." How about telling a story joke? I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.......and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy...... how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a...... pencil necked Nazi. He glared at meand started writing another ticket..... for having bald tires!! So I called him.....horse shit. He finished the second ticket......put it on the car with the first......and started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner... The veneerable blonde joke. A blonde was driving home after a Steelers game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow intothe tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said..........."HELLLLOOOOOOOO........You need to roll up the windows!" Quote
highclimb Posted September 9, 2002 Author Posted September 9, 2002 these are great! haha keep em coming! thanks, Aidan Quote
Dr_Flash_Amazing Posted September 9, 2002 Posted September 9, 2002 A guy is feeling very ill and is concerned about his health, so he goes to see his doctor. He describes his symptoms, and the doctor tells the man that it sounds like cancer, and he probably doesn't have long to live. The man can't believe it, so he asks the doctor to at least make a more thorough exam. The doctor tells the man to wait, and steps out of the office. A few minutes later, a cat comes in, hops up on the table, looks at the man closely, sniffs around a bit, then leaves. The doctor comes back in and reiterates that it's cancer and that the man only has a short time to live. The man is flustered, and asks for another opinion. The doctor tells him to wait again, and leaves the exam room. A few minutes later, a black lab comes in, looks the man over, sniffs around a bit, and then leaves. The doctor comes back in, and says that he is now almost %100 percent sure of his original diagnosis. Dejected, the man acquiesces, and goes to leave. At the front desk, he is presented with a bill for $950. He is outraged, and demands to see the doctor. He asks what could possibly have cost so much money, and the doctor says "well, it's 50 dollars for the office visit, and 900 for the cat scan and lab tests." Ahh, that's one of DFA's faves. Another: Q. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? A. Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan! Ha haaaaaaaaaa! Ha! Ha! Haaaaaaaa! Rock: Quote
pope Posted September 10, 2002 Posted September 10, 2002 What did the doc say when he found a thermometer in his coat pocket? "Some asshole's got my pen." Quote
headmasterjon_dup1 Posted September 10, 2002 Posted September 10, 2002 Sorry ladies , but this just might be what Colin is lookin' for: Q: What do you do when your dishwasher breaks? A: Slap her! Colin- here's anodda' humerous shenanigan If you've got a killer scottish accent this'll REALLY impress them. go for it. A big, ruddy, red-haired scotsman walks into a bar, sits down, orders a wisky, and drinks it queitly. All of a sudden, the scotsman slams his two large hands down on the bar and says, (all the time yelling in a heavy accent) "Ya see this baaar!?, I buiilt this baaar wit me own twoo hands. But do they call me 'Scot-y the bar builder'? NO! course NOT! Ya see that well out there!?, I duug that well alll by me-self. But do they call me 'Scot-y the well digger'? NO! course NOT! Ya see that baarn over there?!, I build that baarn wit me own skiilz. But do they call me 'Scot-y the carpenter' NO! course NOT! YA FUK ONE SHEEP...................." [ 09-09-2002, 10:34 PM: Message edited by: headmasterjon ] Quote
joekania Posted September 10, 2002 Posted September 10, 2002 A guy has a pain in his elbow so he goes to see the doctor. The doc says, "Here, pee in this jar, I'll send it to the lab and I'll have an answer for you in the morning." So the guy does and goes on home. The doctor calls the next day and tells him he's got tennis elbow, and just needs to rest his arm for a couple of weeks. Well, the guy just isn't believing it, so he says he wants a second opinion. So the doctor says, "Okay, go ahead and bring in another sample and we'll see what comes up." So the guy, thinking he'll play with the results a bit, pees in a jar, has his wife and daughter pee in the jar, and for good measure whacks off in the jar, and takes it to the doctor. The next day he calls the doctor feeling all smug, and asks what the results of his sample are. The doctor says, "Well, your wife has gonorrhea, your daughter is pregnant, and if you don't stop whacking off you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow!" Quote
Figger_Eight Posted September 10, 2002 Posted September 10, 2002 What do you call a broken boomerang? A stick. Quote
Dr_Flash_Amazing Posted September 10, 2002 Posted September 10, 2002 quote: Originally posted by Figger Eight: What do you call a broken boomerang? A stick. Quote
Dru Posted September 10, 2002 Posted September 10, 2002 You are asking for high school jkes so here are some that were funny in high school: Q:Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A: BECAUSE IT WAS DEAD! Q: What is the difference between a truck load of dead dogs and a truck load of bowling balls? A: You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork. Quote
Dr_Flash_Amazing Posted September 10, 2002 Posted September 10, 2002 The Doctor heard one like that monkey joke, but it was part of a humorous triad, told by a visiting Australian. Also included here is one bonus joke, which is not part of the triad, but makes fun of Australians. Okay, here we go: Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree? A. Because he was dead. Q. Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? A. Because he was holding on to the first one. Q. Why did the third koala fall out of the tree? A. Because he thought they were playing follow the leader! Q. Why do Australians call their beer Four-X? A. Because they can't spell "beer!" Quote
allthumbs Posted September 10, 2002 Posted September 10, 2002 A woman meets a stud muffin in a bar. They talk, they connect, they leave together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she sees that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. It makes her feel quite enamored of him. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf." Quote
iain Posted September 10, 2002 Posted September 10, 2002 Q. What do you call an Amish dude with his hand up a horse's ass? A. A mechanic. BWAHAHA Quote
greghinemeyer Posted September 11, 2002 Posted September 11, 2002 quote: Originally posted by Dru: You are asking for high school jkes so here are some that were funny in high school: Q:Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A: BECAUSE IT WAS DEAD! Q: What is the difference between a truck load of dead dogs and a truck load of bowling balls? A: You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork. bowling balls, pitchforks. sweet Quote
freeclimb9 Posted September 11, 2002 Posted September 11, 2002 A man tells his doctor he’s unable to do all the things around the house that he used to do. After the exam, he says, “Now, doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what the hell’s wrong with me.” “In layman’s terms, you’re lazy,” says the doctor. “OK. Now give me a medical term, so I can tell my wife.” Quote
MysticNacho Posted September 13, 2002 Posted September 13, 2002 Once a long time ago, there were two explorers romping around the Seattle area. Scratch that, they were fur traders. Yeah, fur traders. Wait, let's make just one fur trader. Anyway, one day he was hobbling around the forest checking his fur traps and came across a snake down by a lake. However, this was no mere ordinary snake, it was Nate, the world's only talking snake! Nate was standing next to a large lever. "What's that thar lever, Nate?" asked the trapper. Nate, in his nerdy snake voice, replied: "This lever causes the systematic destruction of the universe." "Crikey!" said the trapper, "I better stear clear!" "This lever causes the systematic destruction of the universe!" repeated Nate. "Don't touch the lever!" The trapper wondered if this were the only thing he could say. Several days later, Mr. Fur Trapper was wandering about checking his traps again, and accidentally riled up a bunch of hornets! He started running through the woods, with the hornets chasing him full speed! No matter what, he couldn't seem to outrun them, so he headed in the general direction of the lake so he could jump in, ridding himself of the nasty insects. Unfortunately, Nate the talking snake and the lever that he guarded lay right in the path of Mr. Fur Trapper, with no way around. As he drew closer, Mr. Fur Trapper realized it came down to a decision: He could either run over Nate, the world's only talking snake, or the lever. Nate, realizing what was about to occur, cried "Don't touch the lever! The lever causes the systematic destruction of the universe!" Thus, Mr. Fur Trapper plowed right over Nate, jumped into the lake, and escaped the hornets. Unfortunately, Nate, the world's only talking snake, did not survive. The moral of the story: ALWAYS, ALWAYS remember, better Nate than lever. Quote
allthumbs Posted September 13, 2002 Posted September 13, 2002 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 500 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 500 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower. "Who was that?" It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 500 dollars he owes me?" Quote
Fence_Sitter Posted September 13, 2002 Posted September 13, 2002 ok 3 midgets are standing in front of the guiness book of world records building...on e of them says "hey i think i may have the smallest hands in teh world!" his buddies enourage him to go up and find out. 20 minutes later he comes down " i did it i hav the smallest hands in teh world!" another midget jealous looks at his feet and says "yannow i think i have the smallest feet in the world" his friends encourage him to give it a go...20 minutes later he comes down. "i have the samllest feet in the world...teh third midget not wanting to be alone on this starts to think and gets an idea. he look down his pants and smiles and his buddies nod "go for it". he goes up and 20 minutes later comes down "who the fuck is this dru brayshaw guy!?!?!" [ 09-13-2002, 08:45 AM: Message edited by: Fence Sitter ] Quote
Dru Posted September 13, 2002 Posted September 13, 2002 quote: Originally posted by Fence Sitter: ok 3 midgets are standing in front of the guiness book of world records building...on e of them says "hey i think i may have the smallest hands in teh world!" his buddies enourage him to go up and find out. 20 minutes later he comes down " i did it i hav the smallest hands in teh world!" another midget jealous looks at his feet and says "yannow i think i have the smallest feet in the world" his friends encourage him to give it a go...20 minutes later he comes down. "i have the samllest feet in the world...teh third midget not wanting to be alone on this starts to think and gets an idea. he look down his pants and smiles and his buddies nod "go for it". he goes up and 20 minutes later comes down "who the fuck is this dru brayshaw guy!?!?!" guiness world record 2002 p. 373 "most number of posts to Cc.com in one day" Quote
Fence_Sitter Posted September 13, 2002 Posted September 13, 2002 how many would that be...have any idea? Quote
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.