Dru Posted May 23, 2002 Posted May 23, 2002 how do you know that the same "agent orange", do you have IP addresses or what? Quote
Dru Posted May 23, 2002 Posted May 23, 2002 A rabbit is taking a shit in the woods when along comes a grizzly bear. Rabbit gets scared but bear squats down and starts pinching its own loaf, Rabbit lets out a big sigh thinking "whew hes not gonna eat me!". The bear asks the rabbit - "Say, while we are both here, lemme ask ya, do you ever have a problem with Shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit is in Heaven! scary bear is not only not eating him but has deigned to ask himk a grooming related Question? So he proudly says "No, I never havce that problem because I groom my fur daily with milk thistles and also..." "SHADDUP!" The bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with him. Quote
allthumbs Posted June 12, 2002 Author Posted June 12, 2002 The Golden Saloon A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden." "Bullshit! There's no such place!" Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!" Quote
thelawgoddess Posted June 12, 2002 Posted June 12, 2002 A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off." Quote
allthumbs Posted June 13, 2002 Author Posted June 13, 2002 What did the blond say after sex? "So, you guys all in the band"? Quote
Poseur Posted June 13, 2002 Posted June 13, 2002 Top Ten Rejected Valentines Day Cards 10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk. 9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow. 8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore. 7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn't $250 a night. 6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass. 5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled. .. . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!! 4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass. 3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty". 2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny! 1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister You should check out the one that I gave to your sister! Quote
RikRik Posted June 13, 2002 Posted June 13, 2002 One day Mickey Mouse drags Minny into court. The Judge asks "What is this all about, Mickey?" Mickey says "I want a divorce." The judge asks "On what grounds?" Mickey replies "Insanity, your Honor." "How's that?" asks the Judge. Mickey replies "Everyone keeps telling me she is fucking goofy." [ 06-13-2002, 03:19 PM: Message edited by: RikRik ] Quote
iain Posted June 13, 2002 Posted June 13, 2002 Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - then on Sunday pray for crop failure. Quote
iain Posted June 13, 2002 Posted June 13, 2002 One night a girl had an affair With a fellow all covered with hair. Then she picked up his hat And realized that She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. Quote
iain Posted June 13, 2002 Posted June 13, 2002 One night a girl had an affair With a fellow all covered with hair. Then she picked up his hat And realized that She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. Quote
Big_Wave_Dave Posted June 14, 2002 Posted June 14, 2002 A climber, who for years had neglected his wife in selfish pursuit of ratings and summits, finally promises his wife he'll stop climbing and pay more attention to her. She is of course very happy about this and for a few years things go well. The ex-climber husband gets a steady job, buys a nice home, works in the backyard on his rose garden, and has plenty of time for his wife. Eventually, however, he grows discontent. Something has to change, he needs an outlet for all this pent-up energy. He starts to fantasize about a co-worker in the office, a sexy, athletic woman. One night he just can't take it, and asks the secretary to "work late". They do, order chinese food, and wind up taking a nap on the office couch. Eventually they pull a blanket over themselves and one thing leads to another -- they wind up sleeping together. The next morning the co-worker asks the husband what he's going to tell his wife. He says the truth. The truth! she exclaims, won't that lead to trouble for the both of us? Don't worry, says the husband. He heads home, but before going inside, he heads out to his rose garden and rubs his hands up and down the stalks. The thorns rip into his flesh, but he's not done. He drags the backs of his hands down the cement garden wall, until his hands are bloody pulps. Then he heads inside. When his wife sees him she immediately asks his where he's been all night. He replies truthfully that he and his co-worker worked late, they ordered some chinese food, fell asleep on the couch, and made love like wild banshees. When he'd finished his wife replied: "You're lying -- look at your hands -- you've been CLIMBING again!" Quote
Big_Wave_Dave Posted June 14, 2002 Posted June 14, 2002 Heavens no. I wouldn't presume to live up to the high double standards of most climbers. You know, the part about acting unethically but still telling the truth? Quote
Bronco Posted June 14, 2002 Posted June 14, 2002 So there's this preacher of a little country church, one sunny Saturday he is looking at the faded, chipping and peeling paint and decides to paint the entire exterior of the church. He buys 1 large paint brush and 1 gallon of paint. By the time he has the first wall done, he realizes he hasn't bought enough paint to finish but has no time to go back to town for more. He remembers some advice from a painter friend about thinning out paint with water if they needed to stretch it out a little. By the time he is done it is more water than paint but, it looks pretty good. Saturday night there is a violent rainstorm and Sunday morning all of the paint has washed away. He cries out "Lord why have you forsaken me?" God says "REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE!" Quote
freeclimb9 Posted June 19, 2002 Posted June 19, 2002 twisted game: http://spiritonin.com/interactive/games/sharkgame.swf Quote
sk Posted July 31, 2002 Posted July 31, 2002 quote: Originally posted by moron: Handy Dictionary to decipher Personals Ads WOMEN'S ADS 40-ish...................... 49 Adventurer.................. Slept with all your friends Athletic.................... No tits Average looking............. Has a face like a basset hound Beautiful................... Pathological liar Contagious Smile............ Does a lot of Ecstasy Educated.................... Banged her Political Science professor Emotionally Secure.......... Medicated Free spirit................. Junkie Friendship first............ Trying to live down reputation as a slut Fun......................... Annoying Gentle...................... Comatose Good Listener............... Borderline Autistic New-Age..................... All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned............Lights out,missionary position only, no BJs Open-minded................. Desperate Outgoing.................... Loud and Embarrassing Passionate.................. Sloppy drunk Poet........................ Depressive Schizophrenic Professional................ Certified Bitch Redhead..................... Bad dye-job Romantic.................... Looks better by candle light Social.......... Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray Wants Soulmate.............. Stalker Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himself Young at heart.............. Old bat MEN'S ADS 40-ish................ 52 and looking for 25-yr-old Athletic.............. Watches a lot of NASCAR Average looking....... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back Educated.............. Will patronize the shit out of you Free Spirit........... Banging your sister Friendship first...... As long as friendship involves nookie Fun................... Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking.......... Arrogant Very good looking..... Dumb as a board Honest................ Pathological Liar Huggable.............. Overweight, more body hair than a bear Likes to cuddle....... Insecure mama's boy Mature................ Older than your father Open-minded........... Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested Physically fit........ Does a lot of 12-ounce curls Poet.................. Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall Sensitive............. Cries at chick flicks Very sensitive........ Gay Spiritual............. Got laid in a cemetery once Stable................ Arrested for stalking, but not convicted Thoughtful............ Says "Excuse me" when he farts here erik Quote
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