[TR] - East Face of Monkey Pub - Not an FA

[olyclimber]

This dispatch was passed on to me by an acquaintance (who happens to post here, but is transcendentally indisposed):

Last night we did the East face of the Monkey pub. I don't remember much

of the ascent, but I know we hauled pitcher after pitcher, and drank

something that tasted like white gas. Separated from the rest of the

team I found myself trudging alone in the pouring rain to the formation

known as the "AVE". All of a sudden I was dizzy and staggering , Oh no

AIAS: alcohol induced altitude sickness, no wait , the running nose, the

voices, I have ANIME, Acute enlightenmentism. Yes a direct conduit to

God himself. I was so happy,giddy even. Laughing, growling ,barking like

a dog. People were looking at me funny and giving me a wide berth. They

could see I was having a Harmonic Divergence. Such heavy thoughts gave

me the Nausea, I white knuckled a bike rack and ralphed a two foot pile

of instant karma. Seems like I was a 7-11 burrito in a past life. As I

was contemplating my spiritual rise, a women in worn out at the knees

fishnet stockings and stiletto boot asked me if I wanted a date.What

luck, a girlfriend and enlightenment in one fell swoop.I started to

wonder about her forthrightness, but she probably saw I was on a higher

plane. Be suave I says to myself. Do you like movies? The new Warren

Miller is playing this weekend. She looks at me; trasfixed,as I envision

us camping at Squamish, Smith, and in a porka-ledge at Yosemite. Just

then a cop rolls up,and the girl runs off to the castanet beat of her

stilettos echoing through the night. The cop goes: jesus christ you're

too drunk to be walking. Where's your car? I yell back: I'm not drunk,

I'm enlightened, and I'm not Jesus Christ I'm the Dali fricken Lama. And

by the way can you give me a ride to the Winchell's? I can see right

through the stew he calls a brain, he's trying to cut through the

cruller induced fog. But I'm having my own troubles, holding back

another past life, but it shoots out of my nose. Green this time, the

primordial ooze,where all humanity comes from. The process is nearly

complete, and I laugh ,or bark. The cop squeals away. Did he flip me

off? Jealous bastard. Oh I need an anchor. Where's my stilettoed angel?

I make my way to the bus stop by sliding along parked cars and pulling

door handles. Some might consider that aid, but anything goes in the

Urban Alpine Environment. So the bus kiosk turned into a plein air bivy

because I went into some sort of trance and missed three busses. I

finally got one to stop, apparently I was a little woobly and I kind of

face planted on the bottom step. My legs must have still been in a

transcendental state. So with the stregth of 26 Olympias I campused up

the handrail, I could see the drivers face urging me on, maybe it was

hate. I pulled myself up the coin hamper and showed him my expired pass.

He just pointed inside, he could see greatness. So I aided my way to the

back ,maybe there was some crawling involved. A free ride ,I should take

advantage of the moment: sir,could you give me a ride to the airport,

then I could ask a pilot: sir ,could you fly me to the Red Rocks? As I

was musing like this, I burped up another past life. I tried to push it

under my seat but couldn't. Luckily most of it went on my lap.Finally,

my stop, the door opens and there it was the crux, getting of this

monstrosity. I could see the street. Barely, with the weaving and the

shaking. So I turned around and started to back down the high steps.

Careful, slowly, easy does it, you could twist your knee. Even a

semi-god feels pain. The kindly driver helped me along by shutting the

door when I finally got to it, and I was gently spit onto the street,

ass first.

[AlpineK]

This is the best trip report ever.

[billcoe]

 

Out there on the edge baby! Great stuff!

[G-spotter]

Send it to Alpinist.

[olyclimber]

Send it to Alpinist.

 

submitted

[AlpineK]

I was on the ascent of Monkey Pub. It was very disconcerting to show your ID to the ranger at the base of the hard part of the climb. I've been around this insane peak many times. It's been years since any ranger felt like I might not have the right credentials to be anywhere near the Monkey Pub. Fortunately enough my ID badge was in good condition and I passed the test.

 

The ascent was hard and there seemed to be a lot of flying debris that looked like sharp pool cues. Fortunately these projectiles didn't inflict major bodily harm. We all survived the climb but then everybody had different experiences on the descent. We all shook hands and went our own path. I got lucky and the northern descent proved straight forward.

[scm007]

LOL best read ever!

[TeleRoss]

Dude...that was one EPIC ascent

 

[TeleRoss]

I assume all parties involved in the epic climb survived? I think I was actually dead for a day, but somehow was revived a day and a half later.

[wayne]

When I saw this:

 

Re: [TR] - East Face of Mo...

(TeleRoss) - Today at 03:00 PM

 

I thought "Oh No! Not another TR from a brave party on the Mox Wall!"

[spicoli11]

just imagine what the guy finds in the trash cans along the ave everyday....a personal mt everest

[Ducknut]

Remember most accidents happen on the descent. Never come down from the high and you are safe. Carry that adult beverage with you to the top.

[catbirdseat]

Paragraph breaks would only ruin the stream-of-consciousness effect. It's a classic.

[ken4ord]

It is no matter that it is not an FA. An urban alpine moment like that is just so hardcore, even though the stilettoed goddess was run off by the squealing cop and not ravaged while in that enlightened state.

[olyclimber]

Thanks for thinking of us with this piece. We'll take a pass, but wish you

all the best in your continued adventures.

 

Cheers,

cb

[EWolfe]

That Christian. He is soooo picky, n'est-ce pas?

 

Maybe there's an East Face of Mo limit he is required to adhere to?

[111]

genius, pure and simple. Where can this enlightenment be found? In any glass? Absinthe perhaps?