Bad First Dates

[archenemy]

I went on a blind first date and the guy took me to a Britany Spears concert... he even had backstage passes. This is basically how the evening went - Im not kidding:

Him - "check out that girls (shes probably 14) skirt, shirt, legs, tits etc..."

Me - "Id rather not"

Him - "You wanna be my slave. Whips, chains, handcuffs..."

Me - "Your evil!"

Him - "can I hold your hand"

Me - "No Way!"

Him - "Im a good kisser"

Me - "Um, No."

 

And it was not Layton....

 

OMFG!! That's bad!! Where do these men come from!!!

 

Straight from their previous "first bad date"

[KaskadskyjKozak]

OMFG!! That's bad!! Where do these men cum!!!

Your back door.

[knelson]

So... OK, climbing outings have been clarified (for the most part). What about non-climbing outings? Meaning, when is it a date and when is it not? Or is everyone just trying to keep it ambivalent and be non-committal about the whole thing, so if it turns out unfavorably (maybe the other person ends up not liking you) you can say, "Oh it wasn't a DATE" and you don't have to feel rejected? I'm not accusing anyone of anything but just trying to comprehend this whole dating thing... which, I will admit, I know nothing about.

 

OK... turning smartassedness off... NOW.

 

Isn't dating just a way to pass time and take people out for a test run while you're waiting for the right person to come along at the right time with the right attitude?

 

Seems to me that finding the "right person" is always just a matter of timing. Mr/Mrs Right can be right in front of you, but if the timing isn't right for both of you, it isn't going happen. You're a different person now than you were two years ago, and you'll be a different person in two years than you are now. And the same jerk/bitch that you encounter now may be a decent human in two years. (Yes... there are permanent jerk/bitches - but those seem fairly apparent... like Marie's date.) It just depends on how people change from their experiences, doesn't it?

 

It kind of reminds me of a question on a compatability test my wife and I took during pre-marriage sessions at the church we got married at. Contrary to the hell it may sound like, it was actually quite well done. The question was "Do you think there is someone else out there that you could be just as happy with as the person you're going to marry." I answered yes. The wife-to-be answered no. Can you picture the glare-of-death I received from the wife-to-be when the pastor read our answers out loud?

 

However, the pastor was a great mediator and let me get my reasoning out before I was clawed to nothingness. There are lots of people in the world - LOTS. Seems silly to think that after dating for some years, I would stumble on the absolute perfect, can't get any better, Mother Teresa of wives right here where I live. So yeah... I'm sure that somewhere out there, there is someone that I'd get the same feelings for. Did I want to find that person? No. Did I feel like I was settling? No. Did I want to spend the rest of my life with my wife-to-be, without looking back. Yes.

 

(My wife-to-be originally answered yes, but changed to no because she thought that by answering yes, that implied that you had doubts about the relationship.)

 

This question was a good discussion point about expectations that one puts on a relationship. The "correct" answer to the question was 'yes' - for the reasons I mentioned. Answering 'no' was a warning flag that one half of the relationship may have impossible expectations on the other half and that this should be brought out in the open. The other good discussion point about this question was the issue of timing. If I'd met my wife a year earlier, would I have wanted to marry her? Not sure - I was in a different place, maturity-wise, and so was she. A year later? Who knows.

 

I guess my rambling point is that dating is just a phase of life where you're waiting for all the pieces to click into place at the right time for everyone. While being "rejected" IS a personal thing, it really shouldn't be. YOU are the only one that can make it a personal thing. It's just two people that aren't meant to be, at that time.

 

What's it really matter if it's a date or not? If things are clicking and the feelings are mutual, you're gonna know it. Just go with it and see where it ends up.

 

[smartassedness ON]

 

-kurt

[Double_E]

What's a gender-specific word for a "female creep"?

well, if you're a young guy and the chick's older, i think one term in use is cougar. not sure if it's a young girl and an old dude.

 

get yer terminology straight, TLG... "Cougar" has a very specific meaning. it ain't just any older broad. it's a skanky older broad who smokes a lot of cigarettes and wears lots of makeup purchased at Walmart and hangs out in bars, trying to pick up young men.

[Double_E]

I think this needs an illustration... taken from a long-gone thread.

 

thanks again to Dru for the url ( www.cougardate.com )

and to Fejas for being brave enuf to venture far enough into that site to find this priceless picture.

 

 

[ketch]

I'm just glad that you all got the dating/climbing thing straightened out. I'm not sure I'm ready to date my niece.

[thelawgoddess]

OK... turning smartassedness off... NOW.

wow, knelson; that was a great post! i really enjoyed reading it. thanks for sharing. unfortunately, though, not everybody out there is looking for their "mate"; they're just looking for some action. if they were actually looking to get to know someone who could be a potential lifelong partner ... well, i don't think that would offend anybody! i think a date implies something; just hard to define what these days because people's intentions are so widely varied. i think esp.'s concern is valid because often times one person will think it's a date when the other person doesn't, and it's rather difficult to just come out and ask, "hey; is this a date?" without causing some turmoil. sometimes it's better to just do that anyway and get it over with, though, because like kurt said, it's all about timing. if they're offended because you asked, well, at least you learned something about them and where they're at ...

[Kitergal]

why does this only have one star?? I mean..c'mon..it's 7 pages long...shouldn't this thread at least be a two or three star'er??

[knelson]

unfortunately, though, not everybody out there is looking for their "mate"; they're just looking for some action. if they were actually looking to get to know someone who could be a potential lifelong partner ... well, i don't think that would offend anybody!

 

In a rambling sort of way, I guess that was kinda the point I was trying to make. Most folks aren't looking for a mate when they're dating - but they might find one anyway. I honestly was NOT looking for a long term relationship when I met my wife, but hey... it's the timing thing again. You never know what's around that next corner.

 

Granted - there ARE people out there whose sole purpose for dating is to find a permanent partner NOW. And good for them. But it seems like when you unnaturally push along something that should take time to develop, the results are going to be compromised somewhat.

 

Honesty. No head games. Say what you mean. These all seem to be good things - dating or not. If someone is offended at the "is this a date" question, then you're right... they're in a different place than you are. Next person please.

 

-kurt

[espirita]

OK... turning smartassedness off... NOW.

wow, knelson; that was a great post! i really enjoyed reading it. thanks for sharing. unfortunately, though, not everybody out there is looking for their "mate"; they're just looking for some action. if they were actually looking to get to know someone who could be a potential lifelong partner ... well, i don't think that would offend anybody! i think a date implies something; just hard to define what these days because people's intentions are so widely varied. i think esp.'s concern is valid because often times one person will think it's a date when the other person doesn't, and it's rather difficult to just come out and ask, "hey; is this a date?" without causing some turmoil. sometimes it's better to just do that anyway and get it over with, though, because like kurt said, it's all about timing. if they're offended because you asked, well, at least you learned something about them and where they're at ...

 

I agree; thanks knelson for the great post, and thanks lawgoddess too. I guess to clarify what I was originally asking... what I am saying I am generally uneducated about are the codified signals relating to dating that most people seem to know.

 

For example, I went out to dinner with this guy once. The length of the dinner and the conversation (and the cuisine) resulted in me drinking copious amounts of (green) tea; consequently after a couple of hours I really needed to take a pee and so excused myself. By the time I got back, he had paid the bill (which I had not intended him to do but thanked him for it anyway) and we left.

 

When I deconstructed this evening later with one of my girlfriends (at her behest, mind you), she informed me that by excusing myself to go to the bathroom, I was signaling to my male companion that that was his cue to pay the bill. And because I allowed him to pay the bill, I allowed this to be considered a date. Which was not my intention at all.

 

So… F goes to the bathroom = M pays the bill = DATE

 

When I heard that, my first thought was, of course, WTF!! Second thought was, am I sending signals out that I don’t realize I am sending? I really just needed to pee. What was I supposed to do, hold it until the bill was settled? Isn’t a cigar sometimes just a cigar? (Groan… let the cigar jokes fly!)

[selkirk]

So… F goes to the bathroom = M pays the bill = DATE

 

Huh? I've never heard that. A lot men are just trained to always try and pick up the tab in all situations, especially for women. Not necessarily a date from my perspective.

 

Half the issue is that women seem to think that men are "complex" creatures capable of both understanding and sending subtle signals . Silly girls.

 

Trust me, if he's straight, chances are your "signals" aren't getting through on even a semi-conscious level. Blunt, I mean, 2"x4" up side the head blunt, is typically the only thing that gets through with any degree of consistancy.

[Alex]

why does this only have one star?? I mean..c'mon..it's 7 pages long...shouldn't this thread at least be a two or three star'er??

 

The stars are a direct measure of wit and intelligence...this thread has little of either.

[thelawgoddess]

When I deconstructed this evening later with one of my girlfriends (at her behest, mind you), she informed me that by excusing myself to go to the bathroom, I was signaling to my male companion that that was his cue to pay the bill. And because I allowed him to pay the bill, I allowed this to be considered a date. Which was not my intention at all.

hey, esp., there are a lot of assumptions going on there! did he invite you to dinner? (usually the one who invites is supposed to pay -- not that it will end up that way, but that's the general "rule".) also, was the bill already on the table when you got up? if so, i could see why he might think you want him to pay. if you had intended to pay for part of the dinner, you probably should have left your card or some money for your part before you excused yourself to tinkle. if it wasn't on the table already, i think that sometimes waitstaff see someone going to the bathroom as a signal that they're ready to leave - particularly if you've just been sitting and talking for some time. or maybe the dude just figured he'd take care of it while you were gone. difficult to tell what his intentions are. some guys pay no matter who they're out to dinner with or why - they're just like that. just curious, though -- why were you adamant about not allowing it to be a date?

[thelawgoddess]

Half the issue is that women seem to think that men are "complex" creatures capable of both understanding and sending subtle signals . Silly girls.

 

Trust me, if he's straight, chances are your "signals" aren't getting through on even a semi-conscious level. Blunt, I mean, 2"x4" up side the head blunt, is typically the only thing that gets through with any degree of consistancy.

[knelson]

Trust me, if he's straight, chances are your "signals" aren't getting through on even a semi-conscious level. Blunt, I mean, 2"x4" up side the head blunt, is typically the only thing that gets through with any degree of consistancy.

 

 

Same thing I tell my female coworkers... we're really not that complicated. When you ask us "what are you thinking about" when we have that far off look in our eyes, and we respond with "nothing" - really... we're not really thinking about anything. Honestly. We can do that. It's pretty cool.

[selkirk]

See, trying to do the whole reading subtle signals into his actions thing again. Your leaving had no bearing what so ever on whether or not he paid the tab or thought it was a date. If he thought it was a date that decision was made before he got dressed, or met you for dinner and 99% chance that whether it was a date or not is utterly independant of whether or not he was going to pay the bill.

[minx]

why does this only have one star?? I mean..c'mon..it's 7 pages long...shouldn't this thread at least be a two or three star'er??

 

The stars are a direct measure of wit and intelligence...this thread has little of either.

 

[foraker]

selkirk has it right. if a girl plays 'hard to get' for example, i can guarantee you that 90+% of guys will think 'gee, she doesn't seem to like me all that much' and move on. we're not going to go home and spend 3 hours on the phone with our buddies 'analyzing' your signals. another 5% will be such raving ego maniacs they'll be thinking 'she just doesn't realize i'm god's gift to women yet'. the other 5% are gay and of course they picked up on your signals.

[Dechristo]

...the other 5% are gay and of course they picked up on your signals.

The prevailing "perceptive gay" stereotype is bunk.

[minx]

...the other 5% are gay and of course they picked up on your signals.

The prevailing "perceptive gay" stereotype is bunk.

 

i'm sorry your boyfriend doesn't send you flowers when you're feeling blue. maybe if you just tell him you want to cuddle...

[Dechristo]

...the other 5% are gay and of course they picked up on your signals.

The prevailing "perceptive gay" stereotype is bunk.

 

i'm sorry your boyfriend doesn't send you flowers when you're feeling blue. maybe if you just tell him you want to cuddle...

Thanks for the inference given, but au contraire, I don't consider myself gifted in perception.

[espirita]

When I deconstructed this evening later with one of my girlfriends (at her behest, mind you), she informed me that by excusing myself to go to the bathroom, I was signaling to my male companion that that was his cue to pay the bill. And because I allowed him to pay the bill, I allowed this to be considered a date. Which was not my intention at all.

hey, esp., there are a lot of assumptions going on there! did he invite you to dinner? (usually the one who invites is supposed to pay -- not that it will end up that way, but that's the general "rule".) also, was the bill already on the table when you got up? if so, i could see why he might think you want him to pay. if you had intended to pay for part of the dinner, you probably should have left your card or some money for your part before you excused yourself to tinkle. if it wasn't on the table already, i think that sometimes waitstaff see someone going to the bathroom as a signal that they're ready to leave - particularly if you've just been sitting and talking for some time. or maybe the dude just figured he'd take care of it while you were gone. difficult to tell what his intentions are. some guys pay no matter who they're out to dinner with or why - they're just like that. just curious, though -- why were you adamant about not allowing it to be a date?

 

Yep he invited me to dinner, and as far as I know and remember the bill was not on the table when I left. Why I didn’t want this to be considered a date:

 

1) Interesting guy but I wasn’t interested in that way.

 

2) Anyway too soon to be considered a date. I like a few “hanging out” sessions before I decide if I really want to date someone.

 

3) He was my TA and, though it was the end of the quarter, I wasn’t sure if I’d have him again (er… as a TA) next quarter or anytime in the future (as he was my French TA).

 

So… what I’m hearing is, what my girlfriends tell me “that everyone knows” and this-means-this and that-means-that is all just a load of crap? I don’t need to worry about ANY subtleties when out with a guy (be it a date or not)?

 

EXCELLENT!!

[knelson]

Yep he invited me to dinner, and as far as I know and remember the bill was not on the table when I left. Why I didn’t want this to be considered a date:

 

1) Interesting guy but I wasn’t interested in that way.

 

2) Anyway too soon to be considered a date. I like a few “hanging out” sessions before I decide if I really want to date someone.

 

3) He was my TA and, though it was the end of the quarter, I wasn’t sure if I’d have him again (er… as a TA) next quarter or anytime in the future (as he was my French TA).

 

OK - maybe I'm just too idealistic, but let's try this on for size...

 

TA: You want to go to dinner?

YOU: Is this a date?

TA: Uhh... um... yeah - I guess so.

YOU: Oh. I would love to go out to dinner, but I'm not really interested in dating you right now.

TA: Oh. Umm. Well I guess we're not going out to dinner then, huh?

 

...at which point it becomes his issue to deal with how he handles rejection. Not your problem.

 

OR...

 

TA: You want to go to dinner?

YOU: Is this a date?

TA: Uhh... um... no.

YOU: Great! Where we going?

 

... proper notice given. He's not gettin any. Nothin. Nadda. Zilch. While we are simple creatures, this would be considered a 2x4 statement in my book.

 

And as noted previously, asking climbers about relationship issues is like asking a cannibal how they like their eggplant cooked. Please use with caution.

[espirita]

Caveat duly noted.

 

If/when I ever get to climb with any of you folks, I'll make sure to ask about the date thing first. hehe

[archenemy]

Caveat duly noted.

 

If/when I ever get to climb with any of you folks, I'll make sure to ask about the date thing first. hehe

 

Whew, clears that right up.

Wanna climb?