can't believe you dorks haven't talked about this

[layton]

so is the new star wars any good?

[Cobra_Commander]

I didn't feel like leaving the theater.

[E-rock]

so is the new star wars any good?

 

It's better than those other two pieces of shit Lucas put out recently. But the script and the acting still suck.

[mec]

But the script and the acting still suck.

 

Ahh, just like the original three movies

[olyclimber]

I had trouble seeing the screen through my Darth Vader mask, but I'm pretty sure its good. I would recommend going as the R2D2 if you're a midget or maybe some humanoid, because it makes it way easier to eat popcorn. I was knocked over in the ensueing dash for seats, so you might want to make sure your outfit isn't too top heavy. Also, if you go as this guy:

it doesn't look as bad if you want to eat others fallen popcorn off the floor.

[foraker]

i didn't think it was all that good. better than episodes 1 and 2 but still chock full of bad acting, at times horrid dialogue, etc. everything seems to be filler for light sabre battles.

[foraker]

this about sums it up:

 

May The Force Please Go Away

13 reasons to be hugely grateful that "Star Wars," the king of adolescent space epics, is finally over

- By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

 

Can we just say it? Can we admit it now? Is it finally time?

 

Here goes: Thank the great Sith Lord above that the massive computer-driven marketing hellbeast that is the overblown "Star Wars" epic is finally over.

 

There I said it. Can we agree? Because the truth is, this most bloated of megamovie franchises hasn't been a certifiable cultural phenom, something to get truly excited about, for over 25 years. Admit it now, get it over with, move on to pretty happy things like puppies and porn and sunshine.

 

Look, I'm sorry, but I don't care how many gazillions the last three flicks have made at the box office from ubergeeks too old to get "Harry Potter" and too emotionally immature to graduate to real movies. Episodes I-III are mostly one thing and one thing only: huge exercises in CGI acrobatics, manic video games writ large, numbly awful movies full of fine actors reduced to stiff mannequins in bad monk robes and uncomfortable headpieces delivering stone-cold line readings seemingly written by that slightly twitchy tin-eared dweeb who sat next you in fifth-grade algebra, sweatingly.

 

It's all just a little -- how to put this carefully -- it's all just a little embarrassing.

 

Here, then, are 13 reasons to celebrate the end of the cute, overblown SW monster. Reasons for normal people to get back to caring about decent movies with subtle dialogue and true character development and nuanced plot lines not revolving around a monochromatic good/evil dialectic executed by barely emotive cartoon characters who have somehow been brainwashed into thinking they're making art. Admit these now, get it over with, move on to happy things like wine and sex and pleasures that have absolutely zero to do with whooshing lightsabers. OK?

 

 

1) Begone, Star Wars ubergeeks. Begone, terrifically strange and tragically lonely fan boys who camp out, weeks and months in advance, for SW tickets, even at the wrong theater. Drink the Kool-Aid if you must, boys. Your 15 minutes are way, way up. Never has a culture wished so deeply for a group of people to get deep into online porn and pop more Ritalin and stay the hell home.

 

2) Unfortunately, now the media coverage of such geeks will simply switch over to sad psychochristian fanatics who are already lining up for Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ" sequel, "Dead Things I Pulverize with a Cuisinart and Then Smear All Over My Hairy Catholic Chest."

 

3) Poor Ewan McGregor. Poor Natalie Portman. Poor Liam Neeson. Fabulous actors so completely drained of nuance and character you are left wishing Obi Wan would shoot heroin and dive into a toilet and have a deformed religious experience, and that Neeson might veer off and start asking Princess Amidala what her favorite sexual position is and how many orgasms she has in a month and what she really thinks about when she sees Vader's throbbing red lightsaber.

 

4) Farewell, the odd and recurring hype that claims, every few years, that George Lucas might, in fact, be one of the truly great, visionary directors of all time. He isn't. Not by a long shot.

 

5) Darth Vader choking a giant red M&M candy. Darth Vader staring down that creepy Burger King mascot thing. Darth Vader hawking cell phones and Energizer batteries and floor cleaner and breakfast cereal and who the hell knows what else. Good riddance, odious sea of SW product tie-ins. Like the goddamn franchise needs more cash? Like seeing Darth Vader hawking tampons and aspirin and Darth Vader-branded bunion pads is in any way necessary? Please.

 

6) Let's just say it outright: Harrison Ford carried the first three movies, period. Carrie Fisher was amusing enough, the droids were cute and infinitely annoying, James Earl Jones' Vader voice work was nearly a character unto itself. But no one topped Ford at delivering a cynical line or expressing incredulity or offering up that famous "Who, me?" look that would later come to such wondrous fruition with Indiana Jones. "Star Wars" without Ford's dry humor and bewildered mug is like a cheesy pinball machine without the ball: all bells and whistles, few genuine pleasures.

 

7) Two words: Jim Henson. Next to Ford, Henson's astonishing Creature Shop gave the first movies brilliantly wacky life, silly and tangible and honest. The last three flicks are just painful reminders of how much he, and his entire Muppet universe, are missed in this world, and how much computers have drained many movies of their soul.

 

8) Did I mention Chewbacca? Did I mention that maddening commercial where Chewbacca is in the booth recording sounds for the new series of "Star Wars" cell phone ring tones and oh my freaking God let's just imagine that for a moment, the pale little sexually denuded dude sitting next to you in the café who gets a call on his Nokia and when it rings it sounds like that weird famous Chewbacca howl, and you turn and look at him and wonder what he might look like if he exploded into a million bloody little geek-boy pieces like, right now.

 

9) Enough with the dissecting of SW plot lines. Enough with the seeking of deep mythological parallels. Despite all those blogs and articles insisting SW is some sort of modern iteration of "Crime and Punishment" crossed with "Dr. Spock's Guide to Parenting," there is little of true intellectual substance to speak of in any of the SW flicks, and say what you will about old-time '60s radical Lucas' commendable desire to criticize current rabid right-wing ideology via his simple good/evil allegories, the overarching plot of SW is so basic and the execution so orthodox, you might as well be watching "The Bad News Bears," stoned. It's true.

 

10) The late, great master of myth Joseph Campbell loved the first three "Star Wars" movies. He saw in them a wonderful modern-day example of his favorite allegory and recurring cultural theme, the hero's journey. Joseph Campbell is dead now. Even he was ready to move the hell on.

 

11) This is from the recent Rolling Stone interview with Lucas, with Lucas examining a plot thread: "Is Anakin a product of a super-Sith who influenced the midichlorians to create him, or is he simply created by the midichlorians to bring forth prophecy, or was he created by the Force through the midichlorians? It's left up to the audience to decide." Note to George: You are 61 years old. Stop speaking like this before you hemorrhage something. And see item No. 10, above.

 

12) Raise your hand if you love the concept of prequels. Ten years of crappy CGI and 10 years of lumpy stiff acting and 28 years of waiting and you watch "Sith" where only the last 30 minutes really finds any sort of cinematic footing, and after all that screaming and all the cheeseball animation and all the slaughtered Jedis and the stilted, lifeless dialogue and heavy Vader wheezing and Yoda's irritating speech impediment, where do we finally end up at the end of Episode III? That's right: 1977. And who the hell wants to be back there?

 

13) I'll happily admit that the first three films were breathtakingly rich allegories for their time, landmark filmmaking, funny and quirky and cutting edge and cute fun for the kids, full of wry characters and state-of-the-art special effects saddled to a rather generic, by-the-numbers hero's journey sprinkled with the occasional subreference to Buddhism or the fine art of egolessness.

 

But.

 

But it must be stated and cannot be repeated enough and we have to admit it once and for all: The "Star Wars" films, each and every one of them and it feels like there are about 127 of them now, they remain, always and forever, movies for anxious, easily stupefied 10-ear-old boys.

 

There I said it. Can we all just go outside now?

[olyclimber]

Mr. Mark Morford needs to let the inner child out of the pit in his basement and start enjoying his life! There are some good points above, but I'm not going to submit to uber-geekness by saying I actually read it. It does seem like he is just finally figuring out the Star Wars isn't real, and is pissed off about his broken fantasy.

[ChrisT]

I acquiesced to my daughter's pleading and saw it on Sunday morning at 9am and while I'm no big Star Wars fan (and a big film snob to start off with anyway) I have to say that it held my interest. I also saw the first (fourth?) Star Wars on opening day in 1977 and that's the only other one I ever saw in the theater.

[Dechristo]

I would recommend going as... some hemorrhoid, because it makes it way easier to eat popcorn. Also, it doesn't look as bad if you want to eat others' fallen popcorn off the floor.

[Alex]

so is the new star wars any good?

 

I thought it was better than Epidode I and II, but lacked....so.....much....that I still believe he should have made the first one, and stopped there. Kind of like The Matrix. Wait to rent it, even the sets dont need to be seen on the big screen at this point, they are not much different from the other 5 movies.

[barjor]

I thought it was really good. I miss a Harrison Ford character but there is plenty of other cool stuff. I have seen it a couple of times now and it is neat to see all the small details that tie it together with episode 4.

[Dru]

Is it true there is some hott Hutt CGI porn?

[Cobra_Commander]

I find it hard to believe you have not seen it yet.

 

btw the new footage of vader is worth the price alone.

[Dru]

I saw Kingdom of Heaven instead. It's got Saracens and lepers and chainmail and stuff.

[Dechristo]

I saw Kingdom of Heaven instead. It's got Saracens and lepers and chainmail and stuff.

 

Susan Saracen is one hot personal Kingdom of heaven. Was Gina Davis wearing Fredericks of Hollywood chainmail undies?

[Bill_Simpkins]

It was a remake of 1 and 2. Lucas even CGi'ed some expressions off the actors faces.

Everything looked like first or second take, not "the take".

The editing was horrible and the CGI was overstimulating.

This is one case where a little less would be more.

There were some ok scenes, but the didn't seem developed enough.

Christiansen didn't fill out the Vader suit. Looked like a skinny scrawny Vador.

The acting was bad, but I don't think it was the actors as much as the directing.

Basically, the good parts were good, but they were rare.

I almost left the theater, not because it didn't live up to any SW expectations, but because it was a bad movie in general. The only movie I ever walked out of every was

Judge Dread" lol. It wasn't quite that bad. Like I said, the good parts were good, but ....

 

Want to add: I am a pretty big fan of SW in general, waited outside the Cinerama all day in the rain.

Had a generally good time with the whole experience.

Edited May 25, 2005 by Bill_Simpkins

[olyclimber]

Star Wars fans attempt to compete in Darwins.

[thelawgoddess]

i didn't think it was all that good. better than episodes 1 and 2 but still chock full of bad acting, at times horrid dialogue, etc. everything seems to be filler for light sabre battles.

when i was at the theater the audience actually started laughing during a supposedly serious scene because the acting/dialogue was so bad!

[Dru]

Rocky Horror Picture Sith

[whirlwind]

funny thing is that GL admitted that episode 1 and 2 where just fillers and 3 was 86 or so pecent of the untold story he wanted to portray.

and that he could have done it all in one movie, but i think that was pretty obious.