Airport security

[olyclimber]

well duh, archenemy is a grrl. and a smarty pants.

[archenemy]

What, I don't even get a vowel?

[minx]

What, I don't even get a vowel?

 

no! you lose vowel point for being a smarty pants. go buy one from vanna!

[olyclimber]

That is because of the anti-vowel movement. sorry.

[archenemy]

That is because of the anti-vowel movement. sorry.

Sounds...constricted.

[assmonkey]

But I would say there is maybe a 1 in 10 chance that someone here is wearing a polished mirrored helmet.

 

My helmet was recently polished. It's not mirrored though.

 

- a s s m n k e y

[Dechristo]

That is because of the anti-vowel movement. sorry.

 

vowel obstruction disorder

[Dru]

irritable vowel syndrome

[archenemy]

OOOOooooowwwwiiiieeeee

[glacier]

That is because of the anti-vowel movement. sorry.

 

Nah...

 

Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

 

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

 

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavor."

 

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

 

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."

 

Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

 

If the initial airlift is successful, Clinton said the United States will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's airdropping thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other nations are expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British "A's" and 6,500 Canadian "U's." Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked to participate, but declined.

 

"With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new words," Clinton said. "It should be very exciting for them, and much easier for us to read their maps."

 

Linguists praise the US's decision to send the vowels. For decades they have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult pronunciation of most Slavic words. "Vowels are crucial to construction of all language," Baylor University linguist Noam Frankel said. "Without them, it would be difficult to utter a single word, much less organize a coherent sentence. Please, just don't get me started on the moon-man languages they use in those Eastern European countries."

 

According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they will be able to construct such valuable sentences as: "The potatoes are ready"; "I believe it will rain"; and "All my children are dead from the war"

 

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, lifegiving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.

[Dechristo]

That's great! Reminds me of my early '70's subscription to National Lampoon.

[ScottP]

Your TSA at work on my 2 and 4 year old (Denver airport about two years ago.)

The agents not so kindly informed me I wasn't allowed to take pictures of their security procedures. They were dead serious throughout the whole process.

[minx]

yeah, love the TSA and kids. we had the humourous experience coming home from our christmas vacation. the poor shmo who got to check my kid's carry on had to wade through an armload of star wars action figures and misc other toys. by the time he was done w/that he didn't even bother to open the big millenium falcon lego box w/about 9 gazillion pieces i was toting. those 9 yr olds sure are a big security risk

[Ducknut]

I am always amused by the TSA screeners giving the fifth degree to wheelchair bound grandmothers who are breathing supplemental oxygen. I am sure they are going to be charging the cockpit door and battering it down. Don't let the bluehairs congregate and plan their attack.

[Stonehead]

You know, these 'Band-Aid' procedures will do little to nothing to stop determined terrorists intent on destruction, just as the passage of Real ID legislation will not prevent the illegal entry of organized and sophisticated terrorists. It's my belief, and maybe it's tinhat, but these actions are designed to make you comfortable with 'necessary actions for a secure state'. One of the few actions that I saw that would be truly preventive is the scrutiny and seizing of foreign assets used to finance sponsored terrorism.

[PeterC]

On the way to Las Vegas recently I brought my rack carry-on. The checker on the way TO LV was impressed by my collection of metal junk but too lazy to rifle through it. As I was waiting for the plane I noticed I'd just brought a knife through... On the way back, however, the pack was searched ad nauseum and my #3 camalot was tested for bomb residue. I still don't understand how a cam could be converted into a bomb... Airport security is just frightening.

[archenemy]

I still don't understand how a cam could be converted into a bomb... Airport security is just frightening.

With one of those deadly Bic lighters, that's how.

[Ireneo_Funes]

Your TSA at work on my 2 and 4 year old (Denver airport about two years ago.)

The agents not so kindly informed me I wasn't allowed to take pictures of their security procedures. They were dead serious throughout the whole process.

 

These pictures are both hilarious and sad. I didn't know "tinhat" was an adjective (guess it is now), but this makes me inclined to agree with Stonehead's tinhat theory about police-state indoctrination.

[KaskadskyjKozak]

I am always amused by the TSA screeners giving the fifth degree to wheelchair bound grandmothers who are breathing supplemental oxygen. I am sure they are going to be charging the cockpit door and battering it down. Don't let the bluehairs congregate and plan their attack.

 

That's the logical result of toeing the line of political correctness. With no profiling this is what you get.

[bunglehead]

Wow, I'd never have believed that kids actually get the pass with the metal detector, nut there it is. GREAT JOB TSA!!! I FEEL SAFER ALREADY!

Kids. They're a threat.

[archenemy]

Profiling? Noticing that all the folks who brought down planes on 9/11 didn't look like gramma in a chair but rather a mid-east lookin guy is not profiling--it is being minimally observant.

[KaskadskyjKozak]

Profiling? Noticing that all the folks who brought down planes on 9/11 didn't look like gramma in a chair but rather a mid-east lookin guy is not profiling--it is being minimally observant.

 

no, that makes you an arab-hating racist.

[foraker]

one problem with profiling is that it dangerously focuses your attention. given a rule, many people will blindly apply it thus opening the opportunity for one clean-cut looking white boy or demure looking asian woman to sail right on through. until they install those cool scanners (fat chance) that look through all your clothes using acoustic waves, we all get the pat down. that said, intelligent profiling can be done that captures most of the usual suspects.

[Dru]

 

They don't just stop at kids these days.

[archenemy]

Profiling? Noticing that all the folks who brought down planes on 9/11 didn't look like gramma in a chair but rather a mid-east lookin guy is not profiling--it is being minimally observant.

 

no, that makes you an arab-hating racist.

I'm not that picky. I hate anyone who flies planes into buildings full of non-combatants. Anyone.