Here's another view; I suppose GW and Ray are going to beat me with batteries now.
Q: How do you keep a republican busy all day?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to wait in the corner.
Q: If a republican's going to London on a plane: how can you steal his window seat?
A: Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: What do you do when a republican throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell -- he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
Q: What do you call a republican golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: A foursome.
Q: Why do Republicans wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why should you never take a republican out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.
Q: What do republicans do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
This is true: A large motor home that looked like it was thrown by a tornado was towed into a garage. It turned out that the driver [a republican] had set the cruise control, then went back to make a sandwich.
Q: What is the republican doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Technical note for republicans:
When your PC says, "Insert diskette #2", don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
Q: Why did the republican stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: Why did the republican bake a chicken for 6 days?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and he weighed 280.
Republican fetus-worshippers want to give fetuses equal or superior rights over women's bodies, even if it threatens a woman's physical health -- even when the fetus doesn't yet have a fully functioning human brain, or any brain at all. You have to say one thing -- Republicans take care of their own.
Q: Why did the republican have blisters on his lips?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Q: Why don't republicans have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do republicans work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: What's the difference between Elvis and a smart republican?
A: Elvis has been sighted.
Q: What is foreplay for a republican?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a Republican."
Q: How does a republican commit suicide?
A: He gathers his hate into a pile and jumps off.
Biggest Joke of the Year:
--Republican Fairness--
Q: Why did God give Republicans 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because He wanted them to stop relieving themselves in the streets during parades.
How do you get a one-armed republican out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
Q: How do you get a republican' eyes to twinkle with hate?
A: Shine a light in his ears.
Q: What's every republican's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q: What were the worst 6 years in a republican's life?
A: Third Grade.
Q: What do UFO's and smart republicans have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q: Why doesn't a republican's guts fall out of his butt when he stands?
A: Because the vacuum in his head keeps them in place.
Q: How do you make a republican laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !
Q: How do you confuse a republican?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why do republicans hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: How do you keep a republican busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: How does the republican car pool work?
A: They all meet at work at 8 AM.
Technical note for republicans:
When your PC says "You have mail", don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.
Q: Why can't republicans make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: Why couldn't the republican write the number ELEVEN ?
A: He didn't know which ONE came first.
Q: How many republicans does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.
Q: Republicans want to go back to the good old pre-1950 days that included a ban on contraceptive devices. What is their simpler method of birth control?
A: They take off their clothes.
Q: How did the republican break his leg raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX was sent from a republican?
A: There's a stamp on it.
Q: Why is it good to have a republican passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why do republicans have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do Republicans have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q: What happens when a republican gets Alzheimers disease?
A: His IQ goes up!
Q: What did the republican woman say when she gave birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
FLASH--WASH.DC: Philip Morris said today that the tobacco settlement is costing so much money that they may have to lay off two Republican senators.
Q: What does a republican say when you ask him if his blinker is on?
A: "It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off."
Q: What do you get when you offer a republican a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.
If I had half a mind,
I'd be a republican.
Q: What does a republican say if you blow in his/his ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What do you call a Republican skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.
Q: What do you call a basement full of republicans?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call 10 republicans standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 republicans in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Republicans aren't all bad. One saw a car go underwater and rescued two people just using the air that he had in his head.
Q: What do you call a republican in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call a republican with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What do you call a democrat with a republican on either side? A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you see when you look into a republican's eyes?
A: The back of his head.
Q: What does a republican and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Be kind. Remember that sex IS a sin, the way republicans do it.
What does a republican owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you call a zit on a republican's butt?
A: A brain tumor.
Q: Why did the republican keep a coat hanger in his back seat?
A: In case he locks the keys in his car.
Q: What do you call it when a republican gets taken over by a demon?
A: A vacant possession.
Q: Why is the republican's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 republicans.
Q: Did you hear about the republican couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: What goes "Voom Screech Voom Screech Voom Screech"?
A: A republican going through a flashing red light.
Q: A republican ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Answer to a republican question: Yes, it's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
Q: What about the republican wife who gave birth to twins?
A: Her husband is out looking for the other guy.
Did you hear about the republican who after watching ballerinas en pointe, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
Two republicans observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger: Republican#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Republican#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
A democrat and a republican are walking along in a park. The democrat says suddenly, "Aw, look at the dead bird". The republican stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
A republican found a magic genie's lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, "I will grant you one wish." He said, "I wish I were smarter". So the genie made him a democrat.
Q: Why are most Republican jokes so short?
A: So Republicans can understand them.
Q: Why is a Republican like a scud missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Since republicans want to go back to the pre-1950 good-old-days when condoms were banned, one decided to go to a drug store to see what they were. He walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?" "They're $1 for a box of 3, plus 6 cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the republican, "I wondered how you kept them on."
A radio announcer was reporting one Republican hate speech, anti-poor, anti-police, and pro-gun jackboot rally, etc. after another, until the republican driver got mad and turned his radio off. A mile down the road, he saw another republican out in a wheat field in a boat rowing. The republican stopped his car jumped out and yelled, "You jerk, it's republicans like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
Q: Why don't Democrats suffer from piles?
A: Because all the assholes are in the other party.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but he'll go through a whole box trying to find the one that's farthest Right.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They'll pass a law forcing school children to pray to God to take the dark away.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but he won't change it unless the tobacco lobby pays him more.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They'll just say, "Read My Lips, The Light's On".
Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to publically pray to take the dark away.
Q: What's the difference between listening to Republican promises and a lawn mower?
A: Lawn mowers are more believable.
Q: What's the difference between a Republican and a chain saw?
A: The exhaust.
Q: What the difference between a Republican and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either.
Q: What's the difference between a dead Republican lying on the road and a dead squirrel lying on the road?
A: You feel sorry for the squirrel.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he'll first have to spend $40 million in taxpayer money holding a Congressional hearing on it, while complaining how everyone else wastes money.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
Q: What's the difference between a Republican and terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with the terrorist.
Q: Since they want to go back to the good old pre-1950 days when contraceptives were banned, what do Republicans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the difference between a Republican and a pirhana?
A: A suit.
Q: How is a Republican different from a sewer rat?
A: Some people actually like sewer rats.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They won't know the bulb's burnt out. No "vision-thing".
Did you hear about the time the Democrat locked his keys in the car?
A: It took two hours to get the Republican out.
A Republican died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to donate ten dollars.
"Ten dollars?", she said. "It only takes ten dollars to bury a Republican? Here's a hundred; go bury 10 of them!"
Q: How do you tell if a Republican is dead?
A: The whiskey bottle is full and the comics haven't been touched.
If you took all the Republicans in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They prefer to walk in the dark.
Q: What does one say to a Republican in a three-piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise?"
Q: What did judges actually say to 138 Reagan officials?
A: "Will the defendants please rise?"
Q: What does it mean when a Republican is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
A: The floor is level.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They just steal someone else's light.
Q: What's the most satisfying game to play with a Republican?
A: Solitaire.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two who want to go back to candles.
Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a Republican who the lobbyists didn't pay enough?
A: Eventually the puppy stops whining.
Q: How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb at their National Convention?
A: 10,001. One lonely black guy to change it and 10,000 white men to claim affirmative action is unnecessary.
Q: Why are Republicans hearts so coveted for transplants?
A: They've had so little use.
Q: What's the difference between a Republican and a sack of manure?
A: The sack.
Q: What do you have when a group of Republicans are up to their necks in wet concrete?
A: Not enough concrete.
Did you hear about the planeload of Republican politicians en route to a Caribbean resort paid for by the tobacco and pollution lobbies? The good news - it crashed. The bad news -- there were three empty seats.
Q: What's the ideal weight for a Republican?
A: About 2-1/2 pounds including the urn.
Q: What's the difference between God and a Republican?
A: God knows He's not a Republican.
Q: What's the definition of a Republican running for Congress for the first time?
A: A mouse trying to become a rat.
Q: Why should you never have anal intercourse?
A: Because that's how Republicans are made.
Q: What's the difference between someone testifying at a Republican witch-hunt hearing, and a stagecoach driver?
A: The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses.
Q: How do republican braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you change a republican's mind?
A: Blow in his ear.
Q: How do you measure a republican's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear!
Q: How does a republican try to kill a fish?
A: Drown it.
Q: Why don't republicans like anal sex?
A: They don`t like their brains being screwed with.
Q: What do you give the republican that has everything?
A: Penicillin.
Q: Why did the republican put his finger over the nail when he was hammering?
A: The noise gave him a headache.
Q: Why did the republican climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: He heard that the drinks were on the house.
Q: What's the difference between a republican woman and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a republican.
Q: How do you describe a republican, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: What does a republican think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.
Q: What did the republican think of his new computer?
A: He didn't like it because he couldn't get the Pat Robertson channel.
Q: How can you tell when a republican woman is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.
Q: How do you know when a republican has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a republican have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the republican got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why don't republicans like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 2 cups of water in the little packet.
Q: What do you call 10 republicans at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air pockets.
Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a republican?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"
Q: Did you hear about the republican that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
A: He tried to commit suicide by hanging himself with a bungie cord.
Q: Did you hear about the Republican that ate mountain oysters?
A: He was dragged 200 yards.
Q: Did you hear about the Republican who couldn't wait to see "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea"?
A: He said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.
Q: Did you hear about the Republican who stood in front of the mirror with his eyes closed?
A: He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.
Q: How did the republican try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.
Q: How did the republican die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on him.
Q: How did the republican burn his nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
Q: What's the difference between a republican and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What did the republican think of the new computer?
A: He didn't like it because he couldn't get the Christian Channel.
Q: What's the difference between a republican and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before jumping a trampoline.
Q: Why does a republican only change his baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: Why do republicans like lightning?
A: They think someone's taking their picture.
Q: Why do republicans drive Fords?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
Q: Why do republicans have big hair?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: Why do republicans wear their hair big?
A: To catch as much as they can that's over their heads.
Q: Why don't republicans double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Q: Why don't republicans make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
Q: Why don't republicans call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't remember the number.
Q: Why don't republicans eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"
Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
Q: What do you call 4 republicans lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.
Q: What do you call 20 republicans in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a republican's head?
A: A Space Invader.
A Republican and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the republican his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also.
"Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the Republican and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.
St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling.
The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a Republican and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get???"
St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first Republican ever to make it up here."
Q: Why did the republican have tire tread marks on his back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the republican tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the republican take his typewriter to the doctor?
A: He thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.
Q: Why did the republican get so excited after he finished his jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
Q: What do you call four Republicans in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin.
Q: Why don't they let Republicans swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
Q: What did the republican say when he looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: Why can't republicans put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammer.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a republican in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: Did you here about the republican who shot an arrow into the air?
A: He missed.
Q: What is it called when a republican blows in another republican's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: What did the republican do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: He moved.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A republican parade.
Q: Someone asked a republican if he believed in smoking.
A: He said "Yes, I've seen it done."
A republican's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think -- I'm republican!"
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about his job. In the first room she said she would like it painted a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room he said she would like it a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of republicans laying sod across the street."
Did you hear about the republican who:
--was called "Sanka" because he had no active ingredient in the bean?
--took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
--got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
--had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
--thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?
A republican was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, he said to himself "oh well !" and turned around and drove home.
On his way home the same republican drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time he drove eight miles, he had cleaned 43 restrooms.
A policeman pulled a republican over after he'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Republican: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people are leaving.
Q: Why did the republican move to L.A.?
A: It was easier to spell.
A republican sent a post card home: "Having a wonderful time. Where am I?"
A republican (Quale?) was bragging about his knowledge of the state capitals. He proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A democrat said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The republican replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
Q: What's the difference between a Republican and Democrat?
A: No one minds if you spill beer on a Republican.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from a Republican delaring his God-given right to eat him.
Q: What the difference between your mother and a Republican congressman?
A: The republican can force you to pray.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but he'll go through a whole speech on how he's not doing it while he's doing it.
Q: Why do we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world?
A: So much of it passed through Republicans.
A man found an old bottle, rubbed it, and a genie came out that offered him one wish. He said that he was terrified of flying as well as boats but always wanted to go to Hawaii, so he asked for a road to Hawaii. The genii said that it was impossible because of the ocean depth and the length, and asked for an alternate wish. So the guy said he'd like all Republicans to become honest and kind. The genie considered for a minute and said, "So, would two lanes be enough or do you want four?"
Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
Q: How do Republicans traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's richest man and a leading Republican. The contributions manager cornered him after a Sunday service. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $50,000,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The Republican mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No." "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair? Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the Republican cut him off, "...So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!!!"
Q: The Republicans plan to have Congress meet only 90 days in 1998. Why do they have such long recesses?
A: It takes time to retrain them.
Q: What's the difference between a Republican and a Democrat?
A: Democrats don't have hair on their backs.
Q: What's the difference between a world war and a Republican promise?
A: The Republican promise causes more suffering.
Q: How do you tell if a Republican is actually dead?
A: What's the difference?
Q: How do you tell if a Republican is actually dead?
A: Hold out a check.
Psychological Test #1:
Try not to think of William F. Buckley in bed with Paula Jones.
Psychological Test #2:
Try not to think of Ken Starr, who is rather effeminate anyway, doing it with Ralph Reed, who is so sweet.
[it's happened before to right wing republicans -- Roy Cohn, the passionate right hand legal eagle of Joe McCarthy (of "McCarthyism" fame), turned out to be gay and died of AIDS.]
Q: How do you tell if a Republican is actually dead?
A: Who cares?
Q: Why is a Republican like a missing condom?
A: You have to Just Say No.
Q: What's the difference between a penny and a Republican promise?
A: Read My Lips - a penny's worth more
