Dechristo

SPONTA

Sven and Gerta are well into middle-age. Gerta has suffered for the increasing lack of attention from Sven; she decides she will start a work-out regimen in an attempt to reacquire a physique sexually appetizing to Sven. The next morning, while Sven is in the kitchen drinking coffee and preparing breakfast, Gerta starts her work-out in bed, naked, while watching an instructor on TV. After some stretching exercizes, the instructor starts into some leg lifts; Gerta is having a hard time of it. As hard as she tries, she can't get her legs to budge off of the bed. Gerta grabs the sides of the matress and gets her legs to raise slightly. Grasping the sides of the matress with all her might, she grits her teeth and throws all of herself into getting her legs as high off the bed as she can. her legs fly into the air, over her head, causing her feet to become lodged in the slats of the headboard. Just then, Sven comes into the bedroom to collect his eyeglasses he'd left on the dressertop. As he crosses the room to the dressertop he glances over to see his wife's form still in bed. He bellows, "Jesus, Gerta! Would you put your teeth in and comb your hair? You look like hell."

SPONT

SPON

SP

You're right, lots of WASPS purchase condoms as permanent wallet-stuffers...they can hope, can't they?

k

The day your parents spend all day on their knees in repentant prayer.

Didn't Jeff Lowe and David Brashears do a multi-day ice climb on the north face of one of the himalayan peaks? Kachenjunga (sp?)?

GODDAMMIT, CHAPS!!! Commeer You Little FUCKER! commeer, Commeer, ComMEER, COME HERE! Noowwww, I've got you, you little SONNOF-A-BITCH! You are going in Time-Out, Mister. No, no, no,... I don't care how much you cry and whine... Now, get in that closet and STFU! I swear, someday I'm gonna burn this daycare to the ground...

Now, Chaps... you're an only child and I know you're not accustomed to playing with others, but, if you'll try you might find it to be FUN!

Chaps, that's not how this game is played, now, be a good boy and learn to play the game that is already in progress. Now, remember your ABC's?

YES

Y

Furry Idi Amin

Oh, Yeah! They had that stuff on the shelf at the 7-11! I even picked up the box to look at. I put it back down on the shelf after I read [Contains packet of "Country-Fresh Turkey-Ass Gravy"]. I didn't think gravy would taste good on cereal.

The "live" vaccine

FRAI

Jonas Salk

No but PETA might get on your case.

FA

So THAT'S where Dorothy's ruby-red slippers came from!

Gary, beware of your prospective in-laws tactics: My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister calls and asks me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned; I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her underwear and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!" The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

I'm glad to hear that... ...I'd rather be dead than get shot there.