Dr_Flash_Amazing

Psh! Don't hate the playa, playa.

Anybody else read the article in the latest Rock & Ice detailing the history of sports climbing in America on the occasion of its 21st birthday? Really a first-rate bit of reportage from climbing journalist Matt Samet, who seems to devote most of his writing to less substantive topics. Stories of Jim Karn's "wobblers", chipping and gluing's role in the development of the sport, and color commentary from all the sportie visionaries make for an enjoyable, and, rare for a magazine, enjoyably lengthy read. Highly recommended; four stars out of four on the Dr. Flash Amazing Scale for the Assessment of Quality in Written Works, and a nomination for the AmazingCo Foundation's Excellence in Sport Climbing Journalism Prize, to be awarded this August at the Louvre in Paris.

Poitou! Poitou! Thees Poitou donk-ee haz a fahnee naim, monsieur! Assload, indeed! Brilliant.

The Mamba? Whaddayou think thissiz, 1992? When a captive sling and cool anodizing made up for a miniscule gate opening? The future is here, and it is made of wire. The gate. The gate of the future is made of wire. You can keep your Mambas and your Sportiva Kendos and your Petzl Jump harness and your ultra-skinny 10.5 rope, gramps. Those of us hip to the new, improved, DFA-approved groove movement will be sporting (emphasis on the "sport", thanks) the more innovative and stylish accoutrements of the modern sendophile. Represent, yo, for the deuce-double-z-fo' fa sho', comin' correct from the PDX, DFA posse snap back necks. Bes' belie'dat, keep it real, peace.

DFA recently replaced all his old-ass draws with BD pre-assembled draws, the ones with the Enduro straight gate on top and the Quickwire on the ropey end. Good combo of performance and cheap -- don't need nothing fancy on the bolts end, and the Enduro gets the job done; wiregates are smooooooth and easy clippin', and the Quickwires fit the bill without any unnecessary shizzle. This setup seems to go for ca. $12, give or take a buck; shop around. Bear in mind that with cheap-shit gear from off brands, you're gonna get what you pay for. Notably companies like Blue Water and Omega, Kong or whatever will give you clunky handling, crappy gate action, etc. Maybe you're into that sort of thing, though?

.10+ = .10c/d < .11a .8+ = pretty hard for 5.8 < .9

Does it get any better? Yeah, how 'bout DEAD and Republican, hmm?

Sadly, no. The concertgoing budget was recently depleted on the Rock Against Bush tour show. Holler loud and maybe stage dive off Fletcher's head for DFA if you get a chance, though. WHOOOOOOOAAAHH WHOAH-OH-OHHHHH WHOOOOOOOAAAHH-OHH WHOAH-OH-OHHHHH!

Gotta be Smith Rock. Smell of chalk and SmithMud and sage and juniper and rope, sound of pigeons giving beta and that big-ass blue heron squonking, sun on tuff and people out climbing, your latest proj all festooned with your draws just looming over your sorry ass and defying you to step up and S-E-N-D, Grasslands campfires and beers ... Dr. Flash Amazing will take that goodness any day. Runners up include: Red Rocks, NV Maple Canyon, UT Most anywhere deserty, even if it's not a sport crag ... Edward Abbey was onto something with the desert; that shit just sings to your soul, tell you what.

Well, not to rain on yer parade, but yours truly (Dr. Flash Amazing, or DFA for short) went through surgery for a labral tear a couple years ago. Physical therapy was paaaaiiiinful and agonizingly slow, along with being full of setbacks. After six months, the Doctor was able to do a couple of V0s now and then, with anything much harder bringing on the pain. After about a year and a lot of slow, careful progression and still doing PT at home (stretching, Theraband & free weight exercises, pushups, etc.), DFA was able to climb the occasional .12a (prior to surgery, redpoint level was consistently .12+ and some .13-), although still having to monitor the pain when pushing too hard, and easing off climbing for short periods during that time. Now, almost two years later, it seems safe to be working on harder routes again, and bouldering at full intensity, too. The key things DFA took from the experience were don't push it too hard, knowing that it's a delicate and easy to reinjure area; STAY ON TOP OF THE PT -- especially the stretching, as getting the range of motion back is huge, and do the little home exercises they give you; expect it to take a long time -- DFA was all thinking it would be three months or so, and it's obviously been a lot longer than that, and there was some major disappointment for a while. Your results may be vastly different, though, so who knows? Hopefully your recovery isn't so painful and is a lot faster, because a lot of the PT -- primarily the range of motion stuff -- hurt like bad hell. It seems kind of silly not pushing yourself a bit with actually using the arm, i.e. climbing as soon as you can, but your surgeon no doubt told you that if your biceps tendon tears loose, they can't fix it, and then you're really hosed. Good luck on that recovery, and hang in there!

No no no, fuck YOU.

Mmmmm ... synovial fluid ...

The future is climbing in the gym and never needing a sleeping bag again. And socialized beer.

You, sir, would greatly enjoy the Dr. Flash Amazing "Book of the Month" for April, 2004. It's called "The Sorrows of Empire", and it's by Chalmers Johnson. Here.

Front-loader with some kind of mild soap does the trick. If you ain't got one, the laundromat has lots.

OK, it is absolutely unbelievable that this guy is getting super bitchy about the taxes that US corporations have to pay, despite the fact that they are able to make shitheaps of money by engaging in unscrupulous labor practices in dirt-poor countries, and paying their executives astronomical rates while the rest of the employees get dick. But oh, no, it's a colossal injustice that a company should pay "high" taxes. Well, you know what we say about that. FUCK THAT. How about we stop pretending that multi-million or -billion dollar corporations are some kind of piteous victims suffering some huge injustice every time they lose a couple bucks? School funding, anyone? Unaccounted-for sums of money poured into defense contractors' pockets? Fucking open-ended, no-bid, cost-plus contracts for KBR? Hello? Hello?

Gee, another big party career politician who's a liar and a sellout. Imagine everyone's surprise. Thank God the current administration would never participate in such blatant HALLIBURTONHALLIBURTONHALLIBURTONHALLIBURTON favoritism.

a. WAAAAAA!!! The multinational corporations aren't already slurping enough gravy out of the trough! John Kerry is mean with taxes! b. OK, tax breaks numbering in the billions to any company are lame. Too-shay, Republicrap-head. c. However, if this guy thinks that would be anything but a drop in the BushCo. bucket of pork-barrel scandalry, his head's up his ass with his scientific calculator. Oooohhhh!!!

You suck?

There was a swell article about this at www.pcatour.com, but their site seems to be under construction at the moment. It was under the "Injury Report" section of the site; the doc for the tour had a couple columns there. You may be able to dig up more info in the last R&I issue, the one that had the Prolotherapy article in it.

Persons doubting the connection 'twixt war and oil and, yes, our friends who make up the military-industrial complex, should read The Sorrows of Empire by Chalmers Johnson. Well-written, relatively readable if occasionally thick on figures (although persons who are history buffs or are good at remembering political and military figures will probably have an easier time, as they won't have to be all like "wait, who the hell is this guy" all the time), plus he cites all his sources, which is just super, so you can go look shit up yerself if you wanna.

How 'bout Dr. Flash Amazing for Best?

Dr. Flash Amazing's hands get fuuuuuucked up from climbing. They've always been peely, perpetually, and chalkin' up and holdgrabbin' does not help. Two things have been very helpful. If you're like DFA and are a compulsive dry skin picker-peeler person, STOP PICKING AND PEELING! Definitely makes it worse when you do that, so be a good boy and resist the temptation. Secondly, DFA's missus introduced him to Neutrogena Hand Cream (comes in a stubby tube -- but the tube's in a little box at the store, so just look for the name!), which works fantastic-like. It's sort of pricy seeming at first, ca. $5 for a tube, but it lasts F-O-R-E-V-E-R; you only need a little bit. It absorbs pretty well, and isn't too greasy, e.g. DFA can put it on when leaving PDX on a Saturday morning, and there's no greasy-slippery on the routes at Smith. Definitely worth a try.

It ain't just chalk what slicks up holds, people. How 'bout them greeeeezy footholds you find, all polished with boot schmutz? Plus, DFA would wager that if folks didn't use chalk, the holds'd just get all scummed up with sweaty skin peelings, and get all polished up just from hands passing over them.

Notice a difference? Forget your chalkbag? What're you, crazy? DFA can't make it ten moves without chalk!