Dwayner

Do they serve Mickey's? Unlikely. I think you need to do the long beer run to Wenatchee for that. "B-double-E-double-R-U-N BEER RUN!" - Garth Brooks.

The date: tomorrow, Tuesday. The place: Tacoma. The details....forthcoming. Last time it was a nice turnout at the Engine House. Prior dates involved the cavernous and freeway-close "Swiss". Tacoma crew...Eric and co....come up with some details. The rest of you...start makin' your plans. This one's gonna be bigger than last week. I've got a dream....this week, the babe to dude ratio is going to be 12:1 instead of the usual other way around. - Dwayner

The Mountaineers guy said:"I cannot reply in detail about every post, but I am looking further into the "yellow school buses" story. Speaking for Seattle, we have never used such buses to transport our climbing students, in Leavenworth or Spire Rock, or anyplace else. I'm told that 30 years ago we used grey Trailways buses on some occasions to transport students to Mt. Rainier for snow field trips. I'm asking other branches if they used the notorious buses "several years ago", but right now that seems unlikely." So...we're going to argue the color of the buses now? Trust me...there were buses, yellow - grey - or otherwise - whether your group wants to admit it or not. (I'd be embarrassed too!) It was so audacious that it made a lasting impact on me. Kind of like the first time I saw a giant group of Mounties rope up in the Paradise parking lot, or the time they tried to kick me off of Spire Rock (which I helped construct) or when they told me that "Mounties Buttress" (I use the other name, "Beginner's Buttress") in the Icicle was "their's" for the weekend, or sent a couple of gumbies to "rescue" me when I was solo-climbing, etc., etc.How about spending a little less time investigating ancient history (rented buses) and see about making some changes such as those suggested by previous posters. My name is Dwayner...and I'm not a Mountaineer and neither was Dougal Haston, Reinhold Messner, Tom Patey, Joe Brown, and a thousand others for every one of them....so quit droppin' names!- Dwayne

I was impressed by CascadeClimber's (a.k.a. Loren) post about his experience with the Mountaineers. I'm just adding this comment to see that it is brought to the attention of Monday's readers.

Went to Leavenworth...got thirsty...needed some barley pops. Took a peek into the age-old Gustav's and just couldn't handle it...a waiting line, a limited selection of macro-beers and a routine for Dwayner that goes back decades...backed out the door to the street to reconsider the options...there's the Old Post Office on the other end of town...great for watching drunken local karaoke and fine if you're in the mood to have a pool cue cracked over your back...too early in the year for that...then across the road, a new sign bearing the name DUCK BOYS..."just another trinket shop selling cloth ducks sitting in baskets with bonnets on their heads" was my initial thought but on closer inspection, it proved to be just what we were looking for...another drinking establishment in Leavenworth. I talked pope into checking it out and we were not disappointed. Duck Boys had recently opened and was reasonably uncrowded. We found a couple of empty barstools and were presented with a BEER MENU and a food menu as well. We were served by a lovely blonde and two fun dudes, all who suffered through our smart-alecky abuse with good humor, describing each beer as requested and providing us with small samples. For once, we were not slapped for trying to order a "Harry, Jack and Danny", and some of our other usual questionable bits. Although we didn't try the food this time, the menu looked great, and the beer, atmosphere, and employees certainly were. I winked at the Bar-Miss on the way out and told her that me 'n pope were big-time alpine celebrities and that 1000 people were going to know about their place on Monday. So here I am, keeping my promise...DUCK BOYS RULES!

RURP speaks truth. I have seen the big yellow school buses. (though it was a few years ago...) And I was out at Spire Rock a few weeks ago to witness a world-class gumby factory complete with strutting sergeants with clip-boards. Another recent group (don't know if they were the Mounties...(last Saturday) had a nice tarp set up for lunch and me and pope were going to ask them to make us a sandwich but they packed it all up before we made our bold request. Yup, there sure is a lot of them, and they probably carry a lot of food. Here's a plan: they usually tape their names to the front of their helmets: Go up to one of them and say, "Hey (fill in the blank)!" "Remember me! You owe me a sandwich from the Spire Rock Field Trip!" You'll probably get that sandwich because there are some many people out on those "field trips", they'll have no idea that you weren't there! - Dwayner P.S. This food talk made me hungry. Give me another Mickey's! Ahhh!!!

The Mountaineers publish guide books so that it makes it easier for their large herds of minions to dominate the peaks. Take a look at the schedules on their web-site. It is truly mind-boggling. The climbs are also a mail-order experience: you can "sign up" for a climb, if you're "qualified". Woo! Unless I'm getting paid, I'm pretty darn careful who I go climbing with! I want to stay alive AND have a good time! - Dwayner

Like Bro. Hikerwa says:I don't think that the all of the mountaineers suck, just the ones that I too have encountered..."Exactly!"There's not many basic course instructors that I would want to lead me up anything." Ditto, ditto, ditto, usw."One year in the mounties basic course could not have taught them enough to be "Alpine Instructors".It took me years of hard work and apprenticeship before I had the audacity to call myself "an instructor". "I have way more respect for the RMI guys."Maybe for a small handful of the older ones who stand apart from the standard arrogant monotone clones the RMI corporate culture seems to prefer and train. A nurse asks an old man in a rest home "what did you do with your life?"Old man: "I climbed Mt. Rainier 589 times!"Nurse: "Oh, how so very interesting. It's time for your enema and sponge bath."- Dwayner Hey nurse! You forgot the fiber shake and toast! [ 03-29-2002: Message edited by: Dwayner ]

Mr. Puget, he say: "Dwayner - You're coming around." Dwayner say: From where? I just gave the immediate gut reaction short version to this topic. If you think I've backed down, you are sorely mistaken, my friend. Puget say: "Soon I'll be buying you a beer at a pub club." Dwayner say: You are welcome to do that, however, there is one precondition: YOU GOTTA SHOW UP SOMETIME!! In fact, anyone who reads this is welcome to buy me beer. Puget say: "No talk of "tradition," lack of balls or purity." Dwayner say: Not at the moment, but there's gonna be more talk of all of the above and then some. Puget say: "Just gotta get you into bouldering." Dwayner say: Most unlikely. shalom, Dwayner

I've had enough...you've succeeded in baiting at least Dwayner. This post contains three things that truly suck: 1) Bolting: once considered a major stigma, or at least requiring soul-searching decision-making, it is now typically practiced with little environmental concern. 2) Vantage: a once beautiful place ruined; a symbol of the gym-generation who expects grid bolting and considers it the norm, even at a site that consists mostly of basalt columns with ample cracks and unlimited top roping possibilities for the "face climbs". I saw Vantage before it was grid bolted (which makes it an overcrowded gumby magnet) and it was a lovely place. Now it makes me want to puke. If I owned that land, I would ban climbers. 3) Bouldering: If mountaineers are "conquistadores of the useless", bouldering is an utter fool's paradise. It's a relatively harmless pursuit, I suppose, as long as those stupid mattresses don't crush the delicate alpine flora. I won't even get into the hackey sack thing...although not long ago I was "corrected" by a neo-hippy with a multi-colored rasta knit cap that it's technically a "foot-sack". My bad! Boy, was I humbled! You want some more bolt talk? You feel that the subject wasn't exhausted last year? Don't get me started! - Dwayne

Sorry to hear of your loss, my worthy alpine brother, and I hope the goods are located, but dang, amigo...you were climbing at Vantage!!! Oy! Dude! You need a trip to Pope's Confessional! 500 gumbies fresh out of the gym are driving out there right now looking for those shoes in hopes that they fit like Cinderella's slippers! You're a big guy, Special Ed....what are you doing wearing size 34's? Either you have tiny little elf feet, or you're squeezing your dawgs tight! Good luck! - Dwayner

I got home late last night and had to pinch myself to see if I had been dreaming. This morning, I got up and checked my pockets for evidence and found a few bits of debris related to a certain Park Pub in Seattle. I glanced at the calendar to see if last night was Sunday night, because I’M SURE I WAS AT THE DOGGONE ALPINE OSCARS!!! Having assessed the evidence, I’ve concluded that it wasn’t a dream at all, but the HARD-CORE REALITY of yet another stellar cc.com Pub Club night! Who needs a bunch of pseudo-celebrities like Mr. Thomas Cruise and Mr. Bradley Pitt when you have the likes of:Alpine K...itchin’ for yet another ski traverse;Erik – finding love and adventure at every turn;Lizard Brain – don’t let the name fool you! This guy is sharp!To The Top – which is where he’s headin’!Dr. Jay – ready to help you dislodge that chicken bone from them Hot Wings!Mr. Raymond Bourbon – the climber formerly known as “Capt. Caveman”, in fine form indeed!Wallstein – wall-ready and on his way to the big stone.Jeff the Lurker – a quiet fellow with a powerful alpine reputation.Specialed – one terrific climber!W – a pleasure to meet this fine gentleman!David Schuldt – having a good time as usual.ChuckK – with fans in Scandinavia!Jon – our beloved web-master.Eddie E – who emerged from the men’s bathroom with visible signs of having PEE’D HIS PANTS!And did I mention another alpine All-Star: Treadtramp? He was there too! By the list above, you might be getting the impression that Tuesday night’s festivities were, as predicted, another sausage-swingin’ Dude Ranch. Au contraire! Check out this list of MOUNTAINEERING STARLETS:Ehmmic – a genuine world-traveler fresh from trips to S. America and Thailand.Say Jay – I say hey! A real source of positive energy!Icegirl – a.k.a. Snow Lovely....sigh!Allison – sassy, scrappy and ready for fun!Ingrid – fighting for freedom and justice!Lindsey – brains, talent and beauty. AND WE’RE NOT DONE YET....OH NO, NOT EVEN! I was certainly dazzled by the celebrities above, and my autograph book is bulging...but you’re not going to believe who else was there:Matt P. – effortlessly cool in a way we can only hope to imitate.Bill Pilling – a genuine unsung hero of Northwest and Alaskan mountaineering.David Whitelaw – a great man and guidebook author.AND LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, the amazing FRED BECKEY was kind enough to join us for a good while. Always a pleasure to spend some time around this genuine historical figure and alpine legend. And there were probably a couple of other folks there that I missed:, sorry about that, but I know your very presence added much to the spectacular evening. By now, you understand why I had a hard time dealing with reality this morning, but the question remains....WHERE WERE YOU? Uncle Tricky? Vegetable Belay? Matt? You guys out stalking a Himalayan giant? Holly Climber, Jules, Dynamite? Camped up on a Grade 7 big wall somewhere? And how about YOU and that guy over there? We missed you and you missed out on some BIG FUN! From what I hear, though, next week in Tacoma is going to be even BIGGER!!! (Both Don Whillians and Dougal Haston have been invited.) This report submitted by Dwayner, who was there, and isn't just making this all up.

Only YOU can prevent this evening's Club Pub from being just another SAUSAGE-SWINGIN' DUDE RANCH! See ya there, and there's a rumor floatin' around that a certain "Alpine K" is gonna buy the ladies a taste. (Make it a Guiness, you know what I mean?) And if Mr. Beckey shows up...well...what can I say...be dressed for a cat-fight because not even the most sober and restrained female can control herself around THAT MAN! - Dwayner, who started Pub Club around 11 AM this morning.

And here's a little song to cheer up my Alpine Brother Erik, perpetually tusslin' with love and life, yet bouncing back like a "Wack-a Mole" at the Fun Zone. This one is courtesy of a couple of pals of mine known as "The Captain & Tennille". "Muskrat, muskrat candlelight, doin' the town and doin' it right, in the evenin', itt's pretty pleasin' Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam, do the jitterbug out in muskrat land, and they shimmyand Sammy's so skinny And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed, singin' and jingin' the jango, floatin' like the heavens above IT LOOKS LIKE MUSKRAT LOVE!!! Nibbling on bacon, chewin' on cheese, Sammy says to Susie "Honey, would you please be my missus?" And she say yes with her kisses. And now he's ticklin' her "fancy" , Rubbin' her toes, Muzzle to muzzle, now anything goes As they wriggle, and Sue starts to giggle And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed, Singin' and jingin' the jango Floatin' like the heavens above IT LOOKS LIKE MUSKRAT LOVE!!!! La da da da da ..." It's all a climbing metaphor...right? uhhhh...that's what pope told me...uhhh...anybody here remember Vera Lynn? It's the intention that counts, right? never mind....-dddddddddddddwayner P.S. That pub thing tonight....they got Mickey's on tap?

Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn? Remember how she said that we would meet again some sunny day? Vera! Vera! What has become of you?Does anybody else here feel the way I do? just wonderin', that's all. - Dwayner

Dude! Ain't it Eatonville's turn? Maybe Big Lou will show up! This is Mary-Lou. I don't care where the rest of you are going but me and Snow-Lovely are going to Eatonville!

Alpine Thomas! Finish the job, brother!!!: "Her name was Lola, she was a showgirlWith yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to thereShe would merengue and do the cha-chaBut while she tried to be a star,Tony always tended barAcross the crowded floor, he worked from 8 til 4They were young and they had each otherWho could ask for more? At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana (Copacabana)The hottest spot north of Havana (here)At the Copa (CO!), CopacabanaMusic and passion were always in fashionAt the Copa....they fell in love. His name was Rico. He wore a diamond.He was escorted to his chair, he saw Lola dancing thereAnd when she finished, he called her over,But Rico went a bit to far,Tony sailed across the barAnd then the punches flew and chairs were smashed in twoThere was blood and a single gun shotBut just who shot who? At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana (Copacabana)The hottest spot north of Havana (here)At the Copa (CO!), CopacabanaMusic and passion were always in fashionAt the Copa....she lost her love. Copa... Copacabana... music and passion... always the fashion... Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl,But that was 30 years ago, when they used to have a show.Now it's a disco, but not for Lola,Still in the dress she used to wear,Faded feathers in her hair.She sits there so refined, and drinks herself half-blind.She lost her youth and she lost her Tony,Now she's lost her mind! At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana (Copacabana)The hottest spot north of Havana (here)At the Copa (CO!), CopacabanaMusic and passion were always in fashionAt the Copa....don't fall in love."

Here's a little happy tune to cheer up Eric! It's called "Little Brown Gal" and comes straight from the Big Island to you! It's not the islands fair that are calling to me It's not the balmy air nor the tropical sea It's a little brown gal in a little grass skirt In a little grass shack in Hawaii It isn't Waikiki or Kamehameha's pali Not the beach boys free with their hoomalimali It's a little brown gal in a little grass skirt In a little grass shack in Hawaii Chorus: Through that island wonderland She's broken all the kanes' hearts It's not hard to understand For that wahine is a gal of parts I'll be leaving soon but the thrill I enjoy Is not the island moon nor the fish and the poi It's just a little brown gal in a little grass skirt In a little grass shack in Hawaii aloha, Dwayner

Nacho...lay off those beans and go rollerblading or something. Prof. Dwayner

Dude! Ain't it Enumclaw's turn this week?

Best Song Ever: Love, exciting and new Come Aboard. We're expecting you. Love, life's sweetest reward. Let it flow, it floats back to you. The Love Boat soon will be making another run The Love Boat promises something for everyone Set a course for adventure, Your mind on a new romance. Love won't hurt anymore It's an open smile on a friendly shore. Yes LOVE! It's LOVE! The Love Boat soon will be making another run The Love Boat promises something for everyone Set a course for adventure, Your mind on a new romance. Love won't hurt anymore It's an open smile on a friendly shore. It's LOVE! It's LOVE! It's LOVE! It's the Love Boat-ah! It's the Love Boat-ah!

Those of you who squandered your time in Vantage on Sunday missed out on some superb weather and no crowds in Leavenworth. So first we goes to the Peshastin Pinnacles, and do a little of this and that. First route we do and we encounter a brand new shiny #12 stopper left readily retrievable in a crack. Yahoo! But there is more...we found a hat nearby in the bushes...a camo army type hat with a name on it. The name was "North". We think it belongs to Ollie North and we are going to list it on EBAY and make lots of money. Now get this: we're finding gear and celebrity clothing items and such, and my buddy comes back with a fistfull of $$$ that he found on the ground. $23! And then I go rooting around and find one more just laying in the dirt! Their crispy conditions suggest they spent a bit of time in the snow. We have concluded that this is probably money that fell out of an airplane years ago when D.B. Cooper jumped. Thanks for the cold sodas, the snacks and burgers at Gustavs, Mr. Cooper! Very few people out climbing although one group showed up with at least four big dogs....like whatever! Then we traversed to Icicle Canyon...again, splendid and very few climbers. We did see a small herd of young, boisterous "boulderers" walking down the road with a large mattress over their heads...their bouldering pad. They were making a lot of noise and glances at whoever walked or drove by as if to say, "Look at us! We're wild and wacky! We're walking down the road with a damn mattress on our heads! We're the cutting edge of American youth! Somebody please...throw us some Mentos!" We looked (after all, it was attention they were seeking)and came to our own conclusion: What a bunch of horses' rears! Anything to get on the cover of Bouldering Bad Boys magazine! No Mentos for any of you! Understand? No Mentos! The town of 11-worth was quiet and the drive home was mellow...people probably watching the goofy movie awards. - Dwayner

Click on the following for important survival techniques. Dr. Zaius really does know! Dr. Zaius And don't forget to click on the theme song! - Dwayner

Nacho! You didn't learn that stunt from me! What are you doing out climbing anyway. Get back into the library; there's no such thing as "a break" from school! - Prof. Dwayner

I'm in England and I'm drunk. I've got the feeling Big Lou is around here somewhere. On a number of occasions, I've heard various folks around here announce that they are "going to the Lou". He's gotta be here, eh? And who's that comin in through the door? Why it's no other than Don Whillians! I thoughts he wuz dead! Not so, Joe Brown tells me, he's in some sort of witness protection program. And here comes Chris Bonnington (Sir Christopher to the rest of you!) Long time no see, pal! AAAAAHHHHHHH. Whillians just sucker-punched me. He's laughing as he picks me up off the floor and buys me yet another pint. And who's that comin our way! Why it's Doug Scott and Dougal Haston (another witness)! The gritstone's wet and the crags are soggy...time to climb Old Cloggy! Another round of Guiness for the boys, guvna! What's this? Chris wants me to show him where the Cascades are on a map. Gotta go. aloha, Dwayner