G-spotter Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 HOW TO POOP AT WORK We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are in a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud s plash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. Poop Well and Prosper! Quote
mtn_mouse Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Prairie Dogging. Usually happens while driving down the road, no restroom in sight, and the coffee is really kicking in... Quote
KaskadskyjKozak Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 This morning I had to get up early to drive to Snoqualmie Falls and pick up some gear I left in a friend's car. Prior to my departure I passed a wonderful type 4, tapered stool. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Stool_Scale As I drove back an hour later my bowels began to rumble once again, resulting in a brisk jog from the garage to the bathroom, where I deposited at least a pound of type 6 chunks. This left me to wondering if I really ate so much yesterday, and if I would be making a third trip later today. Perhaps a full-on type 7 is on the way? Quote
Dechristo Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I shit in parking spaces and cubicles of others, only. Quote
KaskadskyjKozak Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I shit in parking spaces and cubicles of others, only. Achie appreciates thoughtful folks like you. I bet Kboner shits on summits and belay ledges. Quote
sobo Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Prairie Dogging. Usually happens while driving down the road, no restroom in sight, and the coffee is really kicking in... Also known as browncapping, as in, the wave is about to break. Quote
KaskadskyjKozak Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Prairie Dogging. Usually happens while driving down the road, no restroom in sight, and the coffee is really kicking in... Also known as browncapping, as in, the wave is about to break. ASSID RAIN Shitting in mid-rappel. Quote
sobo Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Prairie Dogging. Usually happens while driving down the road, no restroom in sight, and the coffee is really kicking in... Also known as browncapping, as in, the wave is about to break. ASSID RAIN Shitting in mid-rappel. am familiar with that concept... Quote
KaskadskyjKozak Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Yes, I dedicated that one to you. Quote
sobo Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Yes, I dedficated that one to for you. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww Quote
G-spotter Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 Now your rope makes a nice brown coil. Quote
akhalteke Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Where is Ray Bon-bon when we need him? Cavey? Is that you? Quote
Hugh Conway Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 no boo? a good beer bender will cure that Quote
rbw1966 Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Prairie Dogging. Usually happens while driving down the road, no restroom in sight, and the coffee is really kicking in... Also known as browncapping, as in, the wave is about to break. Also known as 'crowning' Quote
sobo Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 :beer splatters on monitor: Oh, the mental images that presents... "Breathe, honey! Breathe!" or... "You want an epidural for that?" Quote
Dechristo Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 Prairie Dogging. Usually happens while driving down the road, no restroom in sight, and the coffee is really kicking in... Also known as browncapping, as in, the wave is about to break. Also known as 'crowning' IT'S BREACH!!1 Quote
olyclimber Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 HELLO! Turtle here, just poking my head out to see whats going on!!!! Quote
dt_3pin Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Prairie Dogging. Usually happens while driving down the road, no restroom in sight, and the coffee is really kicking in... Also known as browncapping, as in, the wave is about to break. Also known as 'crowning' Jumpers in the Door is the correct terminology. Quote
kevbone Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 HOW TO POOP AT WORK We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are in a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud s plash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. Poop Well and Prosper! Funny....but old. Quote
sobo Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Jumpers in the Door is the correct terminology. Now that's one I haven't heard before, and I do like it better than all of the other old, tired phrases. Good one, dt! Quote
sobo Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Airborne It's a tad too late, then, isn't it? Quote
akhalteke Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 It was a reference to the "jumpers in the door". Old Airborne paratrooper saying. Quote
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