sk Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 i like the idea of long term relationships. i actually think its harder to stay in a relationship that doesn't involve marriage than it does to stay married. its a choice every day. either party can leave anytime w/o out much fuss. Â i didn't find that getting married helped the committment in my relationship at all. its just a piece of paper. maybe i naively thought it would. the only difference is that there are more hoops to jump through if you end it. Â Â That is along the lines of where i am in my life. I have someone in my life that i would like to spend the rest of my life with. we have talked about marriage. but neither of us feel the need to get married. Most of the long term relationships i am around ( 2 of our 3 closest couples) are not married. they have been together 17 and 20 years respectively. it is the long term i want. not the paper. having the paper doesn't keep someone around when it is the wrong person. and it shouldn't. the only way you know it is the right person is if you keep allowing yourself to ask that question. i struggle with this. often. someday i will stop struggling. Quote
sk Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 uhh...gotta disagree on that one...i for one, haven't cheated... Define "cheated" for me. Includes while engaged? Pre-engagement? Doing two girls at the same time, but not in the same room? Just need some clarification there before I throw down. Â I have a definition for cheating. Â any conversation interaction or physical activity you would not have in front of and with the full knowledge of your partner. anything that is a secret from your partner breaks down the trust you share. Â for me the promise that i need to hear is not "I will never have sex with another woman" there are many instances when my partner having sex with another woman is welcome and encouraged. Â the promise i need to hear is "I will never lie to you or keep from you that which you have the right to know" Â Â Quote
RuMR Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 that's a good definition and one that i agree with...although that "sex with another" deal doesn't work for me... Quote
Hugh Conway Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 fortunately for your spouse she doesn't consider sheep "another" Quote
sk Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 that's a good definition and one that i agree with...although that "sex with another" deal doesn't work for me... Â it only works for us in certain circumstances. there are rules and there should be. I think the mistake most people make is not defining the boundaries of their relationship before making the commitment. and then they forget to continue to redefine as they grow and change. I think that is why many marriages and relationships don't work. you have to continue to tend your common ground. Quote
KaskadskyjKozak Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008  am i alone out there?? Seriously?  no, you're not alone.  but I'm so ugly and annoying I'm lucky to have gotten laid anyway, yet alone cheat  Quote
Dechristo Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 it only works for us in certain circumstances. there are rules and there should be. I think the mistake most people make is not defining the boundaries of their relationship before making the commitment. and then they forget to continue to redefine as they grow and change. I think that is why many marriages and relationships don't work. you have to continue to tend your common ground. Â I've known of more than one relationship similar to what you describe that didn't last. It seemed that, over time, when it came to the "redefining" part, they couldn't agree. Quote
sk Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 it only works for us in certain circumstances. there are rules and there should be. I think the mistake most people make is not defining the boundaries of their relationship before making the commitment. and then they forget to continue to redefine as they grow and change. I think that is why many marriages and relationships don't work. you have to continue to tend your common ground. Â I've known of more than one relationship similar to what you describe that didn't last. It seemed that, over time, when it came to the "redefining" part, they couldn't agree. Â I think that what most people miss is that just becuase a couple leave a possablity open, that does not mean they have to take it. I know a couple who have a rule that they can do anything they want to as long as they are honest about it. for the past 20 years neither of them has met anyone they wanted to tell thier partner they wanted to sleep with. The similuare holds true in my relationship. Just becuase the door is open does not mean there will ever be a need to walk through. If we do and one of us does not like it we will then have to re-evaluate. Â thats the only way a relationship can work for me. Quote
StevenSeagal Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 That is along the lines of where i am in my life. I have someone in my life that i would like to spend the rest of my life with. we have talked about marriage. but neither of us feel the need to get married. Most of the long term relationships i am around ( 2 of our 3 closest couples) are not married. they have been together 17 and 20 years respectively. it is the long term i want. not the paper. having the paper doesn't keep someone around when it is the wrong person. and it shouldn't. Â Good logic. What the paper does do, however, is it prevents unimaginable hassles with estate and medical decisions. Unfortunately society is constructed in a way that unmarried couples aren't consider "legitimate" benefactors with rights to make critical decisions for each other in the event of sickness/death. If you are serious enough with someone that you've merged your home, daily routine, finances, all of it, and you have a solid life together, then that's when you should really consider it. Â the only way you know it is the right person is if you keep allowing yourself to ask that question. i struggle with this. often. someday i will stop struggling. Â A lot of people obsess over this; it's been kind of ingrained into us this idea of "the one", etc. I think the truth is that for each person on Earth, there's hundreds of people out there, maybe more, that could be the "right person". Obsessing over petty details only detracts from one's attention to the relationship at hand. If you have found someone compatible, then revel in it, and see the struggle for what it really is. Â Â Â Quote
minx Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 it only works for us in certain circumstances. there are rules and there should be. I think the mistake most people make is not defining the boundaries of their relationship before making the commitment. and then they forget to continue to redefine as they grow and change. I think that is why many marriages and relationships don't work. you have to continue to tend your common ground. Â I've known of more than one relationship similar to what you describe that didn't last. It seemed that, over time, when it came to the "redefining" part, they couldn't agree. Â sometimes people grow apart, sometimes they grow together more. i'm not sure its about 'redefining' as it is growth Quote
kevbone Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 but I'm so ugly and annoying  I dont know about the ugly part of this.......but annoying...... Quote
minx Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 yes kevbone, you would know all about annoying Quote
sobo Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 uhh...gotta disagree on that one...i for one, haven't cheated... Define "cheated" for me. Includes while engaged? Pre-engagement? Doing two girls at the same time, but not in the same room? Just need some clarification there before I throw down. i have never fooled around on my wife before or during our marriage....clear enough? Pretty clear. You're not alone. Never cheated on the wife. Ever. Quote
sobo Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 uhh...gotta disagree on that one...i for one, haven't cheated... Define "cheated" for me. Includes while engaged? Pre-engagement? Doing two girls at the same time, but not in the same room? Just need some clarification there before I throw down. Â I have a definition for cheating. Â any conversation interaction or physical activity you would not have in front of and with the full knowledge of your partner. anything that is a secret from your partner breaks down the trust you share. Â for me the promise that i need to hear is not "I will never have sex with another woman" there are many instances when my partner having sex with another woman is welcome and encouraged. Â the promise i need to hear is "I will never lie to you or keep from you that which you have the right to know" I like this definition. I agree with it. Although some people blur the line of "that which you have the right to know"... Quote
tvashtarkatena Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 uhh...gotta disagree on that one...i for one, haven't cheated... Define "cheated" for me. Includes while engaged? Pre-engagement? Doing two girls at the same time, but not in the same room? Just need some clarification there before I throw down. i have never fooled around on my wife before or during our marriage....clear enough? Pretty clear. You're not alone. Never cheated on the wife. Ever. Â You're not in the club unless you've never cheated on ANYONE, EVER, Mr. Goodie Two Shoes. Quote
sobo Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 uhh...gotta disagree on that one...i for one, haven't cheated... Define "cheated" for me. Includes while engaged? Pre-engagement? Doing two girls at the same time, but not in the same room? Just need some clarification there before I throw down. i have never fooled around on my wife before or during our marriage....clear enough? Pretty clear. You're not alone. Never cheated on the wife. Ever. Â You're not in the club unless you've never cheated on ANYONE, EVER, Mr. Goodie Two Shoes. Â What happens back in college and high school doesn't count, does it? It does? Hmpff! Well then, I would never want to be a member of any club that would have me. :snif: Quote
minx Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 yes that does beg the question, what does a partner "have the right to know?" Quote
sobo Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 I think that infidelity is a "right to know" issue. I don't buy the "what they don't know can't hurt them" line of reasoning/excuse. The offended party will always find out. Eventually. Always. Just a matter of time. Quote
sobo Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 sure, but what else? Anything that could/would lead to a failure of grand proportions of the realtionship. Trust is the first casualty. Very hard to recover from that loss. Quote
Peter_Puget Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 (edited) My guess is more marriages have survived infidelity than the accidental death of a child. Well that was stated poorly. How about: I bet it is more difficult for a marriage to survive the accidental death of a child than infidelity. Â Â Edited March 25, 2008 by Peter_Puget Quote
minx Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 thats probably true. heck i'm not sure i'd survive the loss of my child let alone survive a marriage Quote
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