I am the snaffle assassin!

[Kraken]

I live in a nice privately owned condo in Anchorage, Alaska. We have a beautiful view of the Chugach mountains to the east and the downtown to our west. We frequently get moose walking through our neighborhood along with the countless seed eater birds, ravens, and the occasional eagle.

 

What we have in plenty though are squirrels...snaffles for those on this board.

 

Unlike many other places in the world, the snaffle of Alaska origin prefers to nest in places other than trees, if applicable.

 

Over the last three years, snaffles have invaded our condo building by chewing through siding. They have nested inside our walls for at least the last three winters. This may seem all fine and dandy to you bushy tailed lovers out there, but what you neglect to realize is that they rip out all of the foam insulation, which surrounds the water pipes.

 

Over the last three years, frozen pipes have become a serious problem in our building. In the last three winters alone, the snaffles have caused over $177,000 in damage by way of busted pipes, water damage, and repair.

 

Not only that, but they, on multiple occassions, have fallen in the wall and been unable to escape. This results in a dying squirrel stuck in the walls, which eventually dies and begins to smell and rot. In fact, there appears to be one stuck behind my wall at this very moment.

 

Aside from the damage, smell, and costs, these squirrels are continuously modifying their nests, which involves excessive, nonstop scratching at the walls, similar to that of one's fingernails down a chalkboard. Imagine being awoke at 4 AM every morning when class isn't until 10.

 

Tom, my neighbor, has come up with a great solution...rat zappers. That's right, a few powerful bolts of electricity and a pea-sized ball of peanut butter and they are toast!

 

 

I have come up with a similar, yet more sporty way of dealing with these bushy tailed bastards...

 

 

This little pistol proved quite effective. I was able to eliminate 6-7 of those nut-eating annoyances before I figured I could be much more effective. I realized that they were still replenishing quicker than I could destroy them.

 

I knew this meant war. It was time to step it up a notch from mere side arms to full on artillery.

 

That's when I called the NRA (OK, Walmart) and they suggested this bad-chicken:

 

 

The Crosman 760 Series rifle .177 calibur. Firing BBs at over 590 FPS and pellets at 570 FPS, this thing simply screams 'death' to bushy tailed rodents. Not to mention it has an elevated site equipped with state of the art sighting...

 

 

I knew right away that didn't stand a chance in hell.

 

As soon as I got back up to Alaska on the 15th, I was eager to try 'er out. My friends and I went down to the Turnagain Arm and decimated a few choice trees before unanimously agreeing that I would win this war.

 

I got home and made a rookie mistake...no more ammunition. In our haste to warm ol' Betty up (Betty is the name of my rifle), we had used all of our known ammo. This required extensive searching in haste while the snaffels frolicked around marrily in the neighborhood trees and in my walls, of course.

 

I finally stumbled on a small box of reserves and placed them on the counter where they would be readily accessible.

 

I awoke this morning at roughly 8:27 to the high pitched squeak of the enemy. I quickly (and stealthly) loaded a pellet round into the chamber and searched the battlefield for Charlie.

 

There he was! Tail flicking in unison to his call on the neighbor's balcony. I steadily took aim, snickered a bit, and fired.

 

DIRECT HIT! He fell over the ledge, one foot still gripping the wood, and fell two seconds later three stories to the cold hard ground. A sense of accomplishment filled my mind, and I returned to bed for another hour or so of sleep.

 

Not soon after however, the call returns. "He CAN'T be alive!" I said, "I killed him!"

 

In haste, I again loaded a pellet into the chamber and pumped 20 times for maximum killing capacity. I ran outside in nothing more than boxers and a pissed off attitude.

 

"Nope," the one squirrel carcass still lay there three stories below, "backup has arrived," I said to myself.

 

The enemy charged. He ran from 40 feet away to the tree that stand right by my deck a mere 15 feet away. In disbelief, and with the marksmanship that would make Patton do a double-take, I fired round two of the morning.

 

The squirrel hit every branch on the way to his final resting spot on the ground, mere feet from his comrade.

 

"Two squirrels in one morning, quite impressive," I told myself.

 

I drifted into sleep yet again...sure that I had erradicated the problem for quite some time.

 

Yet again, I was proven wrong.

 

Not but 15 minutes later, the enemy marched yet again. I knew this was no mere squirmish, but a full on battle to the death.

 

Putting on a small jacket, I ran outside in my boxers with a fresh round poised in the chamber, ready to destroy a third.

 

There he was, on the same tree as his buddy, only 20 feet directly below me.

 

In my haste, I fired, and I watched it go only a milimeter above his head.

 

He froze, unsure as to what to do: fight or flee.

 

I didn't give him a choice. I pulled back the lever and loaded the Copperhead into the chamber, one last time.

 

If the Olympic Gymnastic judges would have been present, he would have received at least a 9.897. His triple-back flip twist impressed even me as he fell all the way to the dense undergrowth of the yard.

 

He flopped and ran a few feet, and slowly died.

 

If this were the real war, I'd get a medal for sure. Instead, I merely loaded my gun once again, and left it in the open, on the ready for another shot at the enemy.

 

This is the real war on terror people, the enemy is in our backyards...literally. Take control now, before it's too late.

 

This is the face of the real enemy:

 

 

I won't stop until every one in my neighborhood is like this:

 

I have taken the time to join this webpage, www.deadsquirrel.com/ where I will learn better and even more advanced ways to eliminate the bastards. The fight will end with my death!

Edited August 24, 2005 by Clintoris

[Kraken]

why aren't the images working?

[Dru]

Because you spelled snaffle wrong.

[Kraken]

hmm, seriously though, what's up with that. I used the little image button below. Weird.

[tomtom]

Didn't you read Hitchhiker's Guide?

 

They are just taunting you.

[foraker]

you remind me of one of my flat mates in grad school. he systematically decimated all the snaffles in his back yard at his parent's home near cape cod. there was about a 100 yard death zone around his house where no snaffle dared go.

[Iapetus999]

Do a search and replace image -> img

 

3 snaffles with 4 shots?? I'm impressed

[Kraken]

Yeah I don't know what's going on, the images just aren't working. I'm not doing anything that I haven't always done, maybe it's a server thing.

 

Update: A fourth snaffle came around, but was still a little out of range. I took three pot shots but never hit the intended target. He'll be back though.

[catbirdseat]

They can eat right through siding to get to your attic? Damn. What's the siding made of?

[j_b]

a 200k snaffle problem?

 

i have had the occasional stinky ones in the walls (posums are worse), now i trap em (live )

[Kitergal]

OMFG!! What do your neighbors think of you and your new hobbie..I mean...war??

[mtn_mouse]

just get a havahart live trap, and relocate or other later. trust me, i ought to know.

[Kraken]

HAHAHAHA I just got another! This kill was quite easy. I was sitting in my living room watching TV and eating dinner. I saw a rustling in the trees and ran for my gun. The bastard ran to the tree right out of my window and I unloaded right into his face. He was dead before he hit the ground.

 

4 squirrels in one day...that's a record I never even thought possible.

[Kraken]

PS...I'd never 'havahart' for a squirrel. I'd always choose cold hard murder. I've acquired a bloodthirst for those tree dwelling vermine.

 

Some people tell me I need to stop killing the squirrels.

 

My response to all of this is simple...

 

I will stop killing the squirrels when they stop living!

Edited August 25, 2005 by Clintoris

[Iapetus999]

So are ya cleaning what you shoot or just leaving the snaffle carcasses out to rot in the sun?

What's today's tally been?

[j_b]

anyone ever tried squirrel stew?

[ryland_moore]

It's called Brunswick Stew and can be made with either squirrel or rabbit. It is actually really good, although I've never had it from a citified squirrel, only wild ones. I would pick one or two off occassionally when out hunting grouse back in Virginia. Although, I do not think Clintoris would be as successful as he has if he were shooting at wild squirrels. You will rarely see them walking through the woods when outside urban areas. They are smart, will lie flat on top of tree branches and are quite difficult. I would have shot more while hunting if I could, but you rarely see them. Only occassionally would I catch one on the ground and then watch what branch they would run out to. They would be lying flat, but I would know where they were and into the stew they would go.....

[Fonspa]

mtn mouse said:

 

"just get a havahart live trap, and relocate or other later. trust me, i ought to know."

 

Relocation isn't an option. It's illegal in most states. Speads disease, just dumps the problem elsewhere etc. The "or other" part is the only way to deal with the rats.

[j_b]

"Brunswick stew is what happens when small mammals carrying ears of corn fall into barbeque pits."

[Kraken]

I just killed another one. This one was actually really unique. I heard him out there so I ran out and he was about 35 feet away. He ran to the top of a tree and when I shot him, he jumped about 10 feet through the air really quickly and flopped around on a branch. He then dropped 30 feet to the last branch on the tree and hung there dying. I then unloaded round number 2 into him and he dropped like a paperweight.

 

I also ran over one on the road the other day. That makes 6 confirmed kills in the last 4 days.

 

...

[sobo]

Shit, clintoris, you need to get yer'sef a deck of these and start passin' them out...

[Fonspa]

That's real cosmic. Tarot and skwerls? Where do these uninitiated skwerlhuggers come from?

 

I think Clintoris is a bit too dramatic but he has realized the only way. Beat em down and wipe em out. Skwerls can drive you to the brink.

[glassgowkiss]

and i thought you were talking about gerbil cannon.

[sobo]

That's real cosmic. Tarot and skwerls? Where do these uninitiated skwerlhuggers come from?

 

Look again, closely, Fonspa. That's not a Tarot card. It's a Vietnam War era "death card" reminiscent of those that were "dealt" over the dead bodies of PAVN and VC fighters killed by our troops. It was a sign, and a warning, to the survivors of who killed their comrades.

 

The image you're seeing above is the Army's 1st Cavalry Division, 7th Cavalry Regiment death card (from a scene from the movie Apocalypse Now), whose logo is the "horsehead" patch (see below).

 

 

The 7th Cavalry was commanded by Lt. Colonel George A. Custer at the Little Big Horn (1876) and almost 100 years later by Colonel Hal Moore in the Ia Drang Valley of Vietnam (although at the time of the Battle of Ia Drang, Americans were not yet in the habit of dealing out death cards, as this battle was their first major engagement with the People's Army of Viet Nam). More about the Battle of Ia Drang can be found here and in Hal Moore's book We Were Soldiers Once... and Young.

 

PS: Read the book and skip the movie if you want historical accuracy.

 

 

[Fonspa]

Whoa!

 

How does such a venerable group of men end up in a discussion about skwerls? I guess I missed your point. Please explain why you would mention these people and miserable rodents in the same breath.