Joke thread (post 'em)

[allthumbs]

burn in hell, layton, you sick fucko

[Necronomicon]

The hardest part about rollerblading is telling your parents that you're gay.

[Scott_J]

The difference between insane asylums and our schools is that in the

insane asylum you have to show some improvement before you can get out.

 

~~~~~~

 

Amanpreet, Jr., asked his dead old dad, Lizard Pecker, "Pop, where did

all of my intelligence come from?"

 

Amanpreet pondered the child's question for a moment and said, "Well,

son, you must have gotten it from your mother. 'Cuz I still have mine."

 

~~~~~~

 

On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

 

 

 

[Scott_J]

Moses

 

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips,

President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe

and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and

said,

"Aren't you Moses?"

 

The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.

 

Again the president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

 

The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.

 

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him

and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?"

 

The secret service agent agreed with the president.

 

"Well," said the president, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps

staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch" Again, the president

yelled,"Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.

 

The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and

whispered: "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

 

The man leaned over and whispered: "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I

talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert."

 

 

 

[Scott_J]

doctor exam

 

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in

good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me

about?"

 

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife,

the

first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with

her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

 

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears

to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to

discuss with me?"

 

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

 

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims

that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with

you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

 

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first

time is

usually around July and the second time is usually in December

[Scott_J]

Very old joke but I posted it for all the youngsters on CC.com.

It was a hot day in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (one of the two each year), Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I vill have myself a cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

 

Helga blushed and replied... "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

[Doug]

Irishman with a broken leg walks into a bar, sits down and orders a glass of fine Irish Whiskey. He looks to the end of the bar, and lo an behold , Jesus is sitting there. He calls the bartender over and asks "is that Jesus?" Bartender says "it sure is, came in about an hour or so ago and just sat there". Irishman says "please, give him a glass of this whiskey, on me!". Bartender delivers the glass and Jesus nods in the Irishman's direction and smiles.

 

Next, an Itaian with a broken back walks into a bar, sits down and orders a glass of fine wine. He looks to the end of the bar, and he too notices Jesus sitting there. He calls the bartender over and asks "is that Jesus?" Bartender says "it sure is, came in about an hour or so ago and just sat there". Italian says "please, give him a glass of this vino, on me!". Bartender delivers the glass and Jesus nods in the Italian's direction and smiles.

 

Next, a redneck from Texas walks into a bar, sits down and orders a Longneck Budweiser. He looks to the end of the bar, and notices Jesus is sitting there. He calls the bartender over and asks "is that God's Boy?" Bartender says "it sure is, came in about an hour or so ago and just sat there". Redneck say "shit, give him a bottle of beer, on me!". Bartender delivers the glass and Jesus nods in the redneck's direction and smiles.

 

After polishing off the beverages, Jesus gets up to leave. He walks up to the Irishman and says "thank you my son for your act of kindness. I will now heal you of what ails you." With that, Jesus lays his hand on the Irishman's forehead, and his broken leg his healed. The Irishman gets up and starts dancing around the bar.

 

Next, Jesus walks up to the Italian and says "thank you my son for your act of kindness. I will now heal you of what ails you." With that, Jesus lays his hand on the Italian's forehead, and his broken back his healed. The Italian gets up and starts doing backflips around the bar.

 

Next, Jesus walks up to the redneck and before he can say anything, the redneck says "that's close enough, buster. I'm makin' damned good money on this disability and intend to keep it that way!"

 

 

[EWolfe]

Guys were sitting around a bar talking about things they bet on. A woman down at the end of the bar; says "I bet on things!" The bartender says; "Oh Yeah! What do you bet on?" Woman: "Most anything."

Bartender: "Like what for instance?"

 

Woman: "See that wall over their? I bet I can pee higher on that wall than you can!"

 

Bartender: (Thinks about this for a minute) "I'll take that bet!", "How much do you want to bet?"

 

Woman: "You name your poison."

 

Bartender: "I'll bet you a hundred dollars."

 

Woman: "Ok!"

 

Bartender: "Ladies first."

 

Woman: Pulls up her dress, pulls down her panties, leans back and pees. "Your turn," she replies.

 

Bartender: Unzips his pants gets his sure fire $100 tool out; gets ready to pee.

 

Woman: "Hey......NO HANDS!"

 

 

[Scott_J]

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just

can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em,

I've stewed 'em, I've barbecued 'em, I've even tried every sort of

marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

 

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

 

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at

the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around

the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on

their heads."

 

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder... those are friars!"

 

 

 

[lummox]

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did some research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles -- or one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.

It was a great cow: it had a wonderful disposition and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. So the people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

 

So they got a bull, and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.

 

When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.

 

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all, he was very wise.

 

They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right, the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left, the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"

 

The Rabbi pondered for a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

 

"Rabbi!" they all replied, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

 

The Rabbi said sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

 

[Scott_J]

 

 

Every time you have to hit the john, you find yourself asking a friend

to come along.

 

Warning label states: "Caution: May make ass look fat."

 

After a few, you find yourself arguing that figure skating actually *is*

a sport.

 

Your belches come out potpourri-scented.

 

You still cry into your eighth one, but now it's because the guy on the

next stool is wearing the same outfit.

 

The slogan: "Get that bloated feeling *any* day of the month!"

 

The label boasts that it's this month's recommendation from Oprah's Beer

Club.

 

 

 

[glacier]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus and says, "I'll bet $100 that my octupus can play any instrument you give him."

First challenger comes up witha guitar - Octopus picks it up, looks it it , then starts playing a decent blues rift.

Second challenger comes up with a saxaphone - Octopus picks it up, looks it it , then starts in on a jazz tune.

The bartender says, "I've got something your octupus can't play," and goes into the back of the bar and brings out his bagpipe.

He hands it to the octupus, who just sits and looks at it.

"Ha! I win!" shouts the bartender.

"Just a sec," says the octopus, "as soon as I figure out how to get her pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck her."

[glacier]

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots of Jaegermeister. The bartender asks, "What's the big occasion?"

Guy replies, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob."

Bartender says, "Congratulations- tell you what, I'll throw in a free one for ya."

Guy replies, "Nah, if 12 shots can't get the taste out my mouth, 13 won't either."

[lummox]

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing his mouth with candy.

An old lady came over and said, "Son, don't you know that eating all that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"

 

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

 

"Did he eat five candy bars in one sitting?" the old lady retorted.

 

"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own fuckin' business!"

 

 

[lummox]

A woman goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've got a strange problem and I need your opinion."

"Can you describe your symptoms?" he asks.

 

"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeded to undress.

 

When she was down to her underwear, she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs. "They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."

 

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked, "Are you a lesbian by any chance?"

 

Embarrassed and slightly taken aback by this question, especially coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, "Well yes I am, actually. Why do you ask?"

 

"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."

 

 

[Scott_J]

WRONG DOOR.....

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car

has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to

the dispatcher:

 

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even

the accelerator!" she cried.

 

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

 

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She

got in the back-seat by mistake.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!.....

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine

March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

 

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

 

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

GETTING OLD.....

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say

"Supersex."

 

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at

him, she said, "Supersex."

 

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the

soup."

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

SENIOR DRIVING.....

 

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I

just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on

Interstate 77. Please be careful!

 

"Hell," said Herman, it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them.

 

[lummox]

the pope says that if michael jackson molests one more little boy he will be eligible to become a monsignor.

[Squid]

bump

[klenke]

Life is...

[Dru]

reat airline humour........from down under. After every flight, Qantas

pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about

problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document

their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before

the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

 

 

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

 

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

 

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

 

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

 

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

 

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per

minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

 

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

 

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

 

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

 

 

 

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

 

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

 

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

 

 

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

 

P: Target radar hums.

 

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

 

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

 

 

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like

a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Bogen]

Angus was drunkenly reeling his way home early one morning, and when drowsiness overtook him he crawled to the grass along the lane and passed out. A few hours later, two bonny lasses on their way to school happened by. Giggling, they decided peek under the snoring scot's kilt to see if the rumours were true. Lo and behold, after much tittering and shshing they slide his hem up to see that indeed, the man is wearing nothing but his kilt. One girl has the clever idea of attaching her hair ribbon to the man's penis as a joke, and manages to do so without waking him up. Laughing outrageously, the girls skip off to school and some hours later Angus awakes. He yawns and stretches, and as anyone must after a night of drinking, faces the ditch and relieves his overworked bladder. He bleerily looks down to notice the ribbon, chuckles and says,

"Well lad, I surely can't recall where you got to last night, but I'm pleased to see you won first prize!"

[Bogen]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

[Bogen]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer. They are standing at the bar drinking their beers and talking about current cattle prices when all of a sudden a woman at a nearby table, who was eating a sandwich, begins to choke. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The women violently shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" the other asks. The women doesn't answer begins to turn blue. The hillbilly then runs up behind her, lifts up her dress, yanks down her panties and runs his tounge all over her ass in a circular motion until finally the woman becomes shocked and it send her into a violent spasm and the obstruction flys from her mouth. As she begins to breathe, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. The other hillbilly says to his friend, "Ya know? I'd heard of that there HIND LICK MANEUVER, but, I aint ever seen nobody do it.

[TheOldHouseMan]

What did one lezbian frog say to the other?

 

 

Mmmmm...we do taste like chicken.