Dr_Flash_Amazing

Oh, and the DFA forgot the nut tool in that list also. Always good to have along in the gym so nobody thinks you're a sport climber or something.

Switch to decaf, bro. DFA foolishly decided to kick coffee a while back, and easing into it with half caf/half decaf, then just decaf was a good way to go. Chai lattes helped fill the void too, but they get expensive. Fortunately, the Doctor heeded the siren song (thinly-veiled S'bucks reference purely coincidental) and came back to the strong black. Aren't you concerned for the morale of your French press? It looks lonely there in the back of the cabinet behind the Sleepy Time and the honey bear!

Trad leader on first gym boulder problem: "I can't seem to move because I have an extra belay device, three runners, a cordelette, and a bunch of extra lockers hanging on my harness!"

Mmm ... breves are yummy, but you're talkin' serious fat content there, hoss! Like drinking caffeinated cream cheese!

"Doctor! The appendix is over there!"

Cool. Y'all do that, and DFA will hold down the PAGETOPS.

Bow-wow-wow, yippee-oh, yippee-ay, bow-wow, yippee-oh, yippee-ay ...

Ah, just humoring Mr. Dwayner and Mr. Pope. DFA actually had a latte this morning. A double shot with three tablespoons of sugar?! That's like twice as much sugar as you get in a mocha, hoss! Time to rearrange your priorities, follow the tick-marked custom pockets, clip the chains, and have a triple grande mocha! Oh, and DFA will be wearing the grey tights with the sage-colored chalk bag to the gym today, so do try to wear something complementary but not exactly matching, 'K? Ciao!

"morning has broken Mr. Coffee has spoken that familiar wake-up call sings through my ears I wake with a shrug hit the floor with a thud where in this hell-hole is my coffee mug? I can now face the day on legal speed the American way The American wayyy! I'm sketching I'm seizing I'm spazzing I'm shaking I can not stop spilling on my brand new shirt I-I-I'm wired I'm so inspired I drink the entire pot so off to work Here I come to save the day on legal speed the American way (The American wayyyyy) Drinking coffee I drink coffee Drinking coffee everyday Drinking coffee I drink coffee Drinking coffee everyday"

Thx for the beta. Actually, in the Doctor's relatively limited trad experience, tri-cams have been one of his favorite pieces of gear. Every route seems to have at least one excellent tri-cam placement. They always seem like such stonker placements. Looks to be some good deals on e-bay, too.

They've had signs up for days about leashing your dogs, and most people do. It doesn't take too many dogs running around, jumping on belayers, and shitting on trails to stir up complaints, however.

Sport issue: Deciding whether it's worth it to get out of your sleeping bag and go get coffee at Starbucks and then head to the crag and maybe be cold while dogging your latest 5.13 project, or whether to sleep for a while longer. Trad issue: Deciding which Grateful Dead bootleg to play at maximum volume through your barely-running Volkswagen's blown-out speakers at 7 in the morning while you figure out which gear to hang from your pack in order to draw maximum attention to yourself as you hike into the crag so everyone knows you are a Trad Climber. Sport issue: Is it cold enough to justify throwing a heat pack in the chalk bag, or is the mocha providing enough warmth to the digits? Trad issue: Am I making enough supercilious remarks about sport climbers and their stupid Lycra tights? Would the Verm or the Bird be impressed by my quips, or should I toss in a few more references to cheap beer, sheep fucking, excessive bolting, and heeeeiiiiiinous offwidths? Sport issue: Keep working the proj' all day, or go onsight some other routes? Trad issue: Continue lurking over this pile of gear, sorting through cams, and making the perfect tape gloves at the base of this route, or head over there where we can rack up AND cast disparaging glances at those pathetic sport climbers and their stick clips? Sport issue: Keep working on the crux beta, or start working on linking the route up? Trad issue: Keep working on this 5.8, or go attempt but possibly have to retreat from that 5.9, where we could better make fun of those pathetic sport climbers on their 5.13s. We could climb 5.13 too, if we debased ourselves and clipped bolts, but we shalln't dally with such base behavior. Say, why have we been climbing 5.8 for the past 10 years?

That's what we fucking need more of, right there. More espresso machines at the damn crag. Dr. Flash Amazing and the Political Action Division of AmazingCo, Inc. have been lobbying hella hard (HELLA!) for a paved parking lot "capping" the Crooked river from Rope-de-Dope to Morning Glory wall, and running from Ship Rock down to the Dihedrals or so (for Phase I, anyway), as well as a Starbucks at Morning Glory, maybe built around that big boulder by 5-Gallon Buckets. And perhaps a smaller Starbucks at 'The Office' in the Dihedrals. But obviously the No Mochas On Rock, Especially Smith's Popular Overclimbed Ramps of Tuff 'n' Overbolted Slabs lobby has headed DFA's cause off at the pass, and lined the pockets of key individuals on Capitol Hill, as they all seem to be stonewalling the project. It's a crying shame! Did you know you have to drive all the way to Redmond -- REDMOND! -- to even find coffee, and then it's mediocre at best? One must drive all the way to Bend, which takes over 30 minutes, if one is to find a Starbucks. Oh, the horror! The horror!

Pope, baby! You're puttin' Dr. Flash Amazing asleep, here, man! And anyway, if a sport climb is on crappy rock, it's moot 'cause the first-ascensionist will have Sika'd the pile together. After roto-sculpting the pockets, of course. Ever allow your puritanically crack-cloistered fingers to caress a lovingly-chipped 1/2"-dia. pocket? So comfy ... so right-where-you-need-it ... so just-right. Ahhh ... that's nice ... "Send it, dude!"

Just place a bolt and call it good!

Fine portrait of the Beef Curtain, that's for sure. And Gary Rall with a mullet and neon lycra -- awesome!

Oops, that's a key part of it. Yes, have your belayer keep you on. That way, if for some reason the anchor blows, you've got whatever gear or bolts you're clipped in below you to keep you off the deck.

Damn, dude! How are you knocking in that many holes-in-one?

Dru? Iain? Timm@y? Who's behind the dastardly dryad? And what the hell's a dryad, while we're at it?

No! Guessing sucks! Just tell us who you think we thought you weren't before or let it drop.

dryad = Trish Fox?

The above is an excellent technique, and is commonly referred to as "back-tying", FYI. That way you can either let your partners know "hey, I'm going to back-tie at the anchor, or if someone suggests that you do so or whatever, you won't be like "huh? Do I have a black tie?"

Oh shit! That's beautiful, man!

No way, Captain Booty. You can't handle the runout chossy nightmare hardman horrorfests that DFA climbs. Like Cinnamon Slab, for one. You wouldn't make it past the approach stairs. Spiderman, for another. The death-defying free-solo downclimb over Asterisk Pass would have you pissing your pants with 'nad-shriveling fear. And you would die of hypoxia trying to weasel your way over Misery Ridge, so don't even try it.

Off White: urban myth debunker extraordinaire.