Trip: Zzzion - Retards Drive South For Da Wedder
Date: 2/13/2010
Trip Report:
zzzzzzzzion!!! – my u-tard cherry – seems an apt appellation – when yer but 1 of 2 retard dirt-bag aid-types too broke to fly n’ rent n’ only have a 4 day window to zip down to the world of the sun n’ be back, you pretty much spend any moment yer not actively driving or climbing sleeping – i felt litle fear though, accompanied by sound legal counsel in my boy geoff, who dusted off and rewired together his swede-wagon to mount the campaing– my worst memory of the trip awakening in fuck-tard utah in the zero-dark hour to the cruel visage of The Colonel glaring down at me, daring anyone to Fuck With The Chicken Foo!
so, best perhaps to jump strait to the scenery porn?
not wanting to spoil my onsight, i studiously avoided looking up any beta on our intended route – prodigal sun – for a route w/ that regal title, it suuuuuure don’t get much solar radiation – in the 2 days we spent on the wall, we felt direct warm-fuzzies for about 17 1/2 minutes – what a great call! drive 18 hrs to somewhere it ain’t fucking raining n’ shitty to climb a route in the Great Big Bowl of Frozen SunLess Sandstone? at least we got to see tour-ons walking around in shirts n’ t-shirts the whole time?
the prodigal sun at about the height of the empire state building soars up, twice as tall as the picnic lunch wall at smiffistani rocks – the 2 times i got kicked square in the nutz there this past fall was fine practice for suffering down south
sooooo tasty! mostly thin cracks that gobble up dmm offset nuts, linked by the occasional bolt ladders that are actually large angle pins pounded n’ glued into drilled holes
high on the wall – view to the southwest – i have no clue what i’m looking at but goddamn it looks purty! the fantastic fin at the bottom a fine objective in itself w/ its funky catwalk running from peak to peak
sooo kewl looking!
the view south – always nice to be able to heckle any would-be carjackers from an excellent position to call fire-missions in from
to the east – the walls of angels landing on the left – saw some homeboys spend 2 evenings messing w/ a route on the far end – my eye was drawn to the massive arch on the good (south) side of the canyon – a sandstone version of mideast crisis in Da Valley!
dude, just like mideast crisis (at least if you add 2 more giant roofs!)
the n wall of angels landing in the couple a winter minutes a day it gets sun – the spectacular crack on left soooooo tasty!
to the climbing pRon – we left at 9 the first night - my lawyer and i arrived late afternoon on day 1, stupid w/ sleep, but determined to do somethang dammit ‘fore the day was done – i zoomed up pitch 1, reaching the anchor at dark, then fixed our static line and zipped down to honor the spirit of the law by portaleding it on the first bolt of the route
next morning i linked in pitch 2, hauled n’ geoff commenced up pitch 3
your friend n’ humble narrator had plenty of time tap-dancing in the meat-locker to savor the sweet, sweet sunshine across the way and stare up at a bobbing hairy man-taint
i swung up on pitch 4 – looking down at p3 top from the first couple bolts/rivets up (take 2 rivet hangers or fucking nuts that actually have sliding heads!) – fantastic fun clean-aid above, skipping a spacious intermediate belay to the chair of forgetfullness at p4 top
i reckon you could score this day 2, if you count the fart-in-a-stiff-breeze that was day 1 – at any rate, geoff headed out on p5 as evening loomed, getting us to the anchor at 4 1/2 by nightfall – typical big-wall clusterfuck ensued as he tried to set up the ledge on top of himself and a shit-ton of ropes n’ baggage, w/ only 2 bolts to work from – i jugged up and eventually helped move the whole camp down a bolt below where the wall is flat and perfect – despite some initial signs of The Great Fear, my attorney reached deep into his sleeping bag, pretended he was in a happy place, and felt The Great Glow
i had home-made pizza and a liter of burgundy and 20 craptacular class-a carcinogens, so you know i was happy (a few hours later I replaced the liter of vino w/ 3/4 of a liter of rarified piss, so i reckon the balance only Made Me Stronger?
the magic minutes! our 1 glance of the sun the whole trip! i contemplate the Great Leap below
awakened in the cloudy dawn, we packed up and unfucked our camp – geoff finished off the bolt ladder that is the second part of pitch 5 – our time-schedule was a Cruel Mistress – my attorney had a date w/ The woMan on wendsday morning, so there was no question of fucking up the timing – if we finished to the summit, hauling through the no-doubt-nightmare of the exit chimneys, undoubtedly we’d leave so late he’d end in a state prison, so instead we resolved to leave our pig behind atop p5, and climb at least to p7 top before heading back down the wall
starting up p6 – c2 – note to self: next time bring the fucking pink tri-cam! the first part of the crack was wicked hard, and ultimately had to be overcome w/ the dr. suessian stick-clip contraption geoff strapped together out of waste products from cold-war era nuclear submarines – i had a moment to stare down while he dug it out of the bottom of the haul bag and observe exactly where i like to stick my nutz would you believe that nut is not even a year old?
it counts as alpine if you can see snow, right? what classification do you get if you walk through snow wearing your nike flip-flops, fresh from fording a knee deep flood?
my legal counsel seemed a bit concerned reaching p6’s top, but i brow beat him into commencing up 7 – the suessian salvation quickly did it’s service!
i heart navajo sandstone
so young, but so haaaaaawt!
so geoff didn’t dig it so much when the angle relented to free climbing world and the texture of the rock took on the consistency of the beachbreak at mid-day – he bailed 2/3 of the way up 7, and i took the helm, reaching an anchor w/ 3 pins/bolts, but no webbing – time was tightening, and rapping back down from the top of the next pitch appeared problematic – at any rate, there was no way we could top out through snow-crusted chimenys and then navigate our way back down the raps to the pig w/o tempting fate to fuck us, so we had to say so-long, just 2 pitchs from the top-out – siiiiiigh – maybe when it’s sunny n’ summerious?
looking up at the last aid-pitch – rumored to be the crux, it looked straitforward enough – arching crack to a pendulum to a long bolt ladder where you can’t clip a thing to the exit chimneys?
geoff lowering off from p7 top – great fun leading through there – tied off pin n’ sandy horseshit to some good hidden gear – tired of chopping ropes, i gave the edge a nice treatment
our descent went quite quickly – we rapped back to the top of 6, then to the top of 5 where our shit was stashed, then double roped to the intermediate belay at 3 1/2, then to the top of 2, then to the ground – i celebrated our return to solid Earth w/ a piss the constiency of maple-syrup
recalled to the realm of mere mortals, we celebrated as only hedonists can, then headed off, bound for that Big Slow Boat home!
geoff n’ the wistful glimpse back, only a steep sand plunge-step to a frozen fording to the car – by the time we pulled out of the p-lot i’d had my 2 liters of sangria and was off on the great big nod
Gear Notes:
offset nuts a must have!
wish i'd brought more than a red tricam!
stick clip nice to have on p6 n' 7
Approach Notes:
drive until you go fuckign crazy, then drive somemore - still only 100$ each!
i'm sure my wife could find a way to find it scaaaary isn't it hot as hell in summer though? pretty much the only season i'm gonna be driving my kids huge distances. got my daughter to the top of beacon the other day under her own power the whole way - that's good enough for me for now! both my kids are at least the height now where i'm not perpetually terrified they're gonna pitch through the railings and end up down on the talus field