ivan

perhaps somebody thought it was time to teach that bitch Mama Nature a little lesson?

Trip: Zieg-ion! - TouchMyStones Wall Date: 4/4/2012 Trip Report: so jesus-fuck, there we were, smack-the-fawk-dab in u-tard, one qualified success under our belt after space-splooge , and my lawyer n' me still w/ a good 3 days or so of fine weather and fuck-all to do but drink small-beer and oggle mushroom-white honkazoids amidst the yuppie-coffee bars of...uh...uh...that 'daletardia just outside the zion park gates - seemed only right to get after it a bit more before crawling back to vantucky in a beer-frenzy we'd slept poorly that last night on the earth orbit ledge, had suffered cruelly at the thorn-points of many a cacti on the descent, eaten big at the drunken monkey, drunk deep from the Keg of Glory soon thereafter, and howled at the moon whilst chain-smoking in the deep desert of the coal wash pit, all of which conspired to have us waking up a good bit late on wendsday morning - i managed to rise early enough, sans brain-ache, to read "the proud tower" in my fart-sack, fist-deep in red-powder, amidst the roar of roadies and the omnipresent breeze - geoff tarried, so i went off to birth a brown-baby boy in the nearby brush, then breakfasted on stale, yet soggy, pizza bread and watered-down burgundy, craw full of camels throughout anyone who know's geoff n' his swank house-in-the-hillz (w/ the neverending knock-list of needy engineers) knows his Deep Need for regular lawya-work, so i couldn't hardly complain when he called a Work-Morning - i satisfied myself w/ sangria, packing for our next wall, 'whilst he Set To It in the Enlightened Citadel of the Mind - i especially liked how he didnt' switch out of his painter-pants nor his aid-nerd knee pads 'forehand:) managing not to get pinched by the po-po for a peck of social improprieties in the parking lot as geoff served the Greater Good, we were ready to get started soon thereafter- had to settle for the Proletariat's Propane-Powered Purveyor as we'd passed April Fools Day, so ended up at the touchstone wall well afternoon, figuring to be behind a herd of whoever-s, but still able to fix up 3 pitches for a 1-day ascent the day after that's about what we got - fear-frenzy, free-radical inspired on the free-taxi, gear gripped n' tight-lipped word free-for-all - the angel's landing, tongue-numb w/ intoxicant, the Hard Approach - heeeeeeaaaat in the sun - not hard at all to talk geoff into the bolt-ladder bit so i could blaze my way to glory on the p2 pitch 2 ruskaya devushkas were well up the route already, at the end of 2 it looked like, as geoff set off i hid in the shade w/ my smokes and iced-sangria, wilting in the strong heat, but soon enough a Mighty Wind sprung up, and geoff finished, and i stashed of all in the stuff sacks, and started up - at the belay, i gibbered in goobly-gook for the gear, got my goods, and gamboled off - a bolt ladder to to bolt traverse to funky overhanging pin w/ a good cam to back it up the c2 crux of the cookie, i glared at it for a bit until i Saw it Clearly, then w/ a funky face-nut i stepped high and Had My Way W/ It - from there it was a quick bit of crack-jugging to an intermediate belay - the belorussian beyotches still hadn't cleared the belay above, despite our desperately retarded speed, so i figured to short-fix from here short fixing as the femmes fire up the first bit of p3 at the top of 2, we still had plenty of time and space enough it looked to continue - geoff setout, a 1/2 pitch behind, figuring we'd just end up fixing from the top of 3 as the heliod heeled over in its drunken fall from far-heaven, i gazed upwards w/ wonder at the white throne, cumdraggled in cream and crimson streaks while waiting i wore away at my lungs, laughing, lounging about sans bosun's chair, lashing my 3rd etrier to my hindquarters to hold me up and spare me heels - the russkiyas precipated their aptly named aiders, and geoff an unneeded tricam in a c1 crack, giving us treasure to try for after the down-turn eventually we fixed to the top of 3, and the chix to 3.5 - we shared Strong Drink and Strange Smoke and eventually were back on the big bus, spellbound and smiling - the scene of moon-up in the visitor center a nice touch that night we sampled on grocery-store gorditas and turned in early, set on skunking the 'skayas by catching hte first shuttle said plan met a simple fate, us up in the predawn by the purity of geoff's good sense, me sleep-wracked and simple at the First-Set hour, but still those good girls up somehow far earlier, and they at the base well before us - wierder still was the 2 miller lights on the ledge, left by intrepid explorers who'd mysteriously showed up unexplainable hours earlier, jugged the lines, and sampled the fine fare of the upper wall well in advance of us ultimately we figured maybe we'd only made it to p2.5, so geoff got to get after it as i tried to warm up in the thin sun, puzzled by the lack of power it held in the presence of a pouring breeze a good chance to take in the descent - from the obvious pedestal w/ the fixed line it's 2 full lenght 30 meter raps "this shit is serious, son" i'd paid my dues, and got-the-goods pretty much from there on out as geoff faded in the fury of a full-on gale that grew up in leaps and gusts, goaded on by a furious fire-in-the-sky, filtered by a fine-milk of moody cloud-murk hard to state how hard-on holy-shit-pile powerful that pitch was - crack-fucking for fuck's sake - set 2 cams, a .75 and a #1 to each of your ladders n' jug away! a perfect uniformity that finds you, every 5 minutes, looking down a holy-fuck fall, finding a simple piece of pro to protect it all and power-on - geoff quickly followed i was strictly stoked to get the rest from here - slapped on my free shoes and set out, intent to scramble fair up fuck-all that i could - hoot-hoot!!! great pitch - simple as hell - mostly free, w/ some aid where i felt like keeping it simple - geoff was up right soon, and at this point a nice routine set in, w/ me making savage small talk w/ the russian left behind as my boy followed, and her girl galloped up oh-me-forking-god, you think american white-bitches are crazy, check out how these girls lead only w/ 3 pieces, which must never be more than 5 feet from the first'un! geoff cleanign up as i perched upon a pile of stacking piss fine view, waiting for the route to clear up you might notice i put a bit more by way of pro in this pitch great one though, right easy freeing w/ some mixed aid-moves to keep it reggae-friendly the "5.8, no fun, squeeze" - bullshit, plenty of fun! jumping jesus in a sequined-jumpsuit, from here on the howling wind whaled on us! a plateau and giant tree greets you at the top of this, the last serious ptich, w/ a simple sport bit above you, but the goddamn godawful gale had gathered its grandest power, and wind-blown grit and grisly cold hammered on me as i suffered, waiting to clear the girls and greet my lawya-boy - i set off lickety-split on maybe the funnest pitch, a buncha bolts up a steep-wall, smiff-like, w/ fine sand powder holding up the holy-shitiest thin patina making for holds on the outside geoff aiding up as i hid in the full-sun, honkered down against the howling gale not much time to sample the savage fruits of an alpinesque summit, 'specially seeing as how there were a bevy of friendly slavic chicks to cheer us up - no time to titter, i tumbled up quickly to reach the knife-ridge and rumble along to the first rap big old bitch'n view of the eager space-shot wand a wee bit east jesus christ, the whole view east a bit hard to hate on... good girls on the throne i thoroughly thrilled meself on the hoe-down - w/ 4 ropes between us, we rapped in sequences, me generally grabbing the free-cord and setting off on the sharp-end - good fun in the full-red powder, coating down the occasional free-scrambling bits between stations just whatcha want on a way-down - fine female companionship of a curious sort - the conversations where you have barely half a clue if what's said is received - a stuck rope - paradise in a parched-gulf -ruminations on putin - privileged small-talk of the petty bourgeoisie - the last fumbled fuck-all rap - explosion into prickly darkness - a run to rack all up - the darkness upon us - the bus n' bottles of burgundy - pictures - part-truths - a zion symphony of sweet mental music mexican food that night in the nocturnal desert - bullshit bathrooms - half-beer bullshit - bearish predictions of a friday, likely our last day before the big launch we woke late again - coffeed n' alcoholed up, then crawled up to the slick-rock reign to have a go at ares butte - me on p3 wonderous rock after you've raped your cuticles good n' cluelessly! keyhole canyon, whence we crawled after completing our summit, to complete our ambitious cirmcumnav... amazing walk down - here me's below the last amazing bit, steep but set in ball-bearings, leading to low angle amble-fucking, in the right amazing sight of blasted bitter blocks, dessicated and dead, awaiting a dandy of an intellect to fit it all back together i built us a cairn to creativity, cultivated by the alcohol of the common man a fine walk back to captivity - fuck it, let's get the head down and heave back - i drink heavily as the good lawyer heals us westward and sets the spurs to her - we wax and wane, me waving weakly near night, waking in the icy dark - a savage sleep, chair-bound - iceclad windows at dawn - bunnies beware on the long road home - paranoia and pretensions - oregon pierced - the 26 temptation indulged from ontario on - brain candy and culture defined - death can not touch us, for we live like kings!!! Gear Notes: a bit more mayhap than needed - a single 5, 2 4 n' 3s, 3 2s-.5s, then 3 each of the small size cams plus a couple off-sets, a double-set of offset nuts, and a single set of small brass offsets - seem to recall could leave a half-set of nuts at home brain-candy for the climbers soul had feared this book for years but in the end think it buried "the guns of august" - who can't get excited about a history of anarchism? the dreyfusards? thomas reed? richard fucking strauss?!? did you know even jesus was a free-thinker?!?

meh, there's so much to do in zion it's hard to begrude them a couple cliffs for a couple months, 'specially when it was so damn cold and windy and they were in the shade most of the day when i was there!

fucking board-head bitches

last time i looked in that there canister shit was bleach-blond yeller

Trip: ZZZZZZion - Space Splooge Date: 4/1/2012 Trip Report: "wind and water raged w/ storms, wave and shingle were shackled in ice, until another year appeared in the yard, as it does to this day, the seasons constant, the wonder of light coming over us. then winter was gone, earth's lap grew lovely, longing woke in the cooped up exile!" and so it was again, a third spring i shuffled away from the storm-wracked nor'west, wanting sun and sanity after the stifling what-the-fuck of family and profession - since last year was a bit of a bust, i bet big on success this time - geoff, the gentleman who first tempted me to take on the Big Drive back two years ago was on for a sequel plans laid, ripped up, reset - agonizing vacillations amid the vagaries of meteorological auguries - would yosemite go? finally we resolved to Bend Space to the big desert - one final obstacle, my own brother, bound by buxom wife, brought forth new life - yet another fatal femme to bedevil the life of men in the generation to come - i lashed the family into the family wagon to make the visit, then vacated the scene at geoff's for the glorious blast off my eowyn w/ the infant ina eirinn we cast off in cloud murk, helm hard-o'er for the Faded West - wine n' black tobacco - tom waits, the crooning cookie-monster, medicating our Black Passage - i pass out near midnight, and wake in the dawn, to the dazzlingly display of my long-suffering lawyer still blazing away down the proud highway - awestruck, i volunteer to take the tiller, and within 30 minutes manage to nearly kill us all in an ill-advised passing of a double-long trailer, then to get pulled over by one of you-do-hoe's finest for the mere crime of being a man amazingly, we arrive in zion in the mid-afternoon of our first day, fit n' fiddle enough to get after the goods - space shot! we scope it out even as a pair approach the earth-orbit ledge (can you find waldo?) hard to hate the zion-wands - 3 minute approaches! and to boot, this was the day before the driving restrictions set in, so we could park just across the wall n' pack n' recreate in the shadow of our impending glory geoff volunteered for pitch 1, a simple move, then mostly just hiking to a belay below a big crack i took p2 - eschewing the 5.9 alpine start in consideration of the cob-webs engendered by trans-continental crossings, i choose instead a 5.7 rambler stoke-meter sprung! holy shit, you CAN find non-impossible free climbing in Mormon Country! moon rise over the big ledge atop pitch 2 p3 above - given 2 choices i of-course opted to go entirely off-route shit, reckon they all go the same place... our plan was to fix as high up as possible that first road-addled day, and though we knew the strategy was to go to 4 first, then fire it off, we felt too soporific for such sheenanigans - instead we'd fix to 3, then set-off sunday, hauling basic bivy gear (wine and smokes, mostly), intending to o'ernight on the earth orbit ledge high on life, we toasted our taste in life, all things having aligned - 2 ropes fixed to the top of p3, we rapped off and roared out to nap in the dust outside the park day 2 dawned in the pre-dark - we'd obtained a coveted red pass to drive into the now-verbotten volkspath, so we set out in a gathering gloom - the forecast hadn't been so sweet, but the long-term look for the week was great, so how could we sit around our first full day? shit....by the time we'd jugged to the top of 3 though, the spray of sleet and shitty rain had set in... geoff started up p4 anyhow as i covered under what cover i could find goddamn it's raining! strange weather, as mister waits would say - blasts of cloud and cold cum-shots, then quick clearing and glorious sun, followed by more of the same the road rain-slicked, geoff completed p4 and, feeling hemmed in by our plan, i prepared to follow him - the book says retreat's damn hard after the middle of p5, so i was a bit unsure what was going to happen... the sun returns w/ scenery i took off after p5 as the sleet returned i hit the mid-pitch free anchor as the intensity of the storm increased - soaked and not looking forward to an evening on a ledge in said condition with winds, we picked the prudent course - go down, get drunk n' get after it again tomorrow! so off we fixed n' rapped, leaving our bivy gear n' wine n' water up high - our 3rd rope was just a skinny one though, so we rigged it instead to top-rope p3 [video:youtube] fine vistas on the drive out - himalayan sandstone! bit of a rumble w/ a ranger hereafter - drove up to the slickrock roof of the park to partake of the poisons there - retired to the empty bosum of the coal pits wash soon after only to discover the evils of utah booze peddlers - fucking villains!!! day 3 and again we were off in the gloaming, guilt-ridden at the ridiculous lack of common coffee - i supping instead of caffeinated cookies and 3 day old pizza-bread geoff led up the fixed lines this time [video:youtube] the crux of the route for me was the 2nd bit of p5 - short but toughish - offset cams nice - soon enough i was through it though, and geoff was up and ready to get after #6 i chain-smoked and took in the views - moonlight buttress and the swoop gimp! geoff nearing hte top of 6 there's gotta be something down there... geoff just below the most glorious aid-crack i've had the pleasure to penetrate seriously, look at this sick-mother-fucker! such a thrill - wish i'd been behind a rope-gun who coulda lead it clean, then given me my shot to follow it - as it was, it made for fantastic top-stepping on each piece, fists jammed in the dog-legs f-u-c-k-y-e-a-h! nearer my god to thee just below the earth orbit ledge i hauled in the glorious sun [video:youtube] geoff arriving as the sun gets set to depart - the berths for that bitter evening just at his feet - holy shit, great ledge for a cackle and taking in the views, but hardly pimptacular for having a lay-out and a good sleep! we set to the serious business of getting shitty-shitty and soaking in the scenery - the great white throne! burgundy n' butts n' the bitter-end of the pizza bread my mind unmoored as the mists of evening rolled in - tunes n' tittering - tall tales - maniacal laughing - raptors roaring above the vault of the heaving heavens - venus hellbent on the heels of jupiter - the full-waxed lunar lamp born above us watch them birdies! [video:youtube] we made out as the light faded that a three-some was nearing the jungle camp of the desert shield - the next day found 3 girls coming to grips w/ the meaty pitches, full of vim n' vigor after much ruminating on the meaning of some-such that i couldn't' recall now if you staked me a miner's fortune on it, we tottered off along our tiny-ledge to take our relief - geoff found a novel solution for keeping his feet Out of the The Abyss our 4th day in the park found us pissy at sun-up, shat upon in shade - we rejected the right-obvious, shuffling deeper into our sleep-sacks, not rising till the sun sprung upon not far from noon geoff was due for p8, and paid the price - excellent exposure - a mysterious missing bolt/pin left his whimpering but soon enough he miracled his ass up the pitch anyhow a last look at our lodging of the last evening and the obligatory look down... geoff hauling up the last of the bivy-bits after i fixed the rope to a blasted stump just above the last "pitch" a grand view of the desert shield - the bevy of buxom beyotches just above the lower shade [video:youtube] suck in that gut son! ready for the ramble on down... the ambling attorney too... a bit of cacti-kicking on the slabs, then soon enough we were at the big pinion, and on the first rap - pulling the rope, i found my gloves riddled w/ surgical spines, set in flesh as we descended space shot became clearer tearing it up on the shield! fun raps set firmly back on terra firma, there was but one thing to do... and holy-shee-it-muslims, here it was only half-way through the week and we got time to climb something else! luckily we had an idea... Gear Notes: das rack - the wrong hook's shown though - geoff said he used a talon twice on p4, but that was it

good to hear - fun route! seem to recall the first time i did it the only pro i used was the 2 pins

if it's gotta go, at least fill it to the rafters w/ dynamite first

the best kind! yaaaar, at 7:32 on a saturday, after passing out w/ arms round the porcelain god 'round 2ish in the a.m., even the most comatose of folks seem to stir after the inevitable final drop lands on their windward cheek

fucking loved the summer and year after i lived in my frat-house - my bath room was the party b-room so most weekend mornings i had a comatose chick lying in a pool of purest filth to take a leak over - 100 year old floors i roamed about sans shoes at all hours, flicking raw cigarette ash in every direction, eating my toenails

no, no...

shit, on actually reading hte article, sure sounds like spot-on training for future ceos and assorted corporate clown-punchers - they gotta learn to be cock-smokers somewhere, no?

any dartmouth anthropologist can explain the importance of iniation rites amongst bands of hairless monkeys i like the huns habit of squashing newborn's skulls flat on the sides w/ boards so as to produce wicked nasty protruding foreheads to announce their gangs badassedness these aren't hun skulls though, but you get the idea - many gangs have arrived at similiar conclusions shop around for your gang - plenty of cool fraternities out there - i quit mine after 2 years though when it started turning into a college version of the boy scouts and i realized i could hang out w/ my same friends and not have to pay for it

belayers need to have either cigarettes or gri-gris or anarchist attitudes

so....conservative states still take more of ma nature's drill in the ass right? only proper given their denialism, no?

won't global warming eliminate the state of florida? can't we at least take comfort in that?

i'm sure pink would disagree w/ you - luckily i don't think he hangs out in the bacon forum

sounds like you need a better nut tool

technically true, but it's not really a tr w/o vulgar prose and/or a picture of some sort

pix or it didn't happen!!!

:lmao: I dont know if Ivan feels the same way about that story... you should ask him nonsense, anything you can walk away from makes a good drinking story eventually

i hate snuff porn before midnight

pm sent

x2 - being able to not have to take humiliating hobo-shits is a distinct improvement can ya'll get an escalator up to the the upper town wall now firkrisakes? i feel old enough now to deserve one

nope, he got the tr for that one as i was trying to show him mercy