Necronomicon

I made the mistake of dating this chick one time, and she turned into a TOTAL PSYCHO. After the last straw, when she told me she was trying to get pregnant to ruin my life, I told her that "She was the shit streak, on my otherwise clean, underwear of summer." This has to be one of my proudest moments.

I call BS on the third nipple. Total Photoshop. The nipples are the exact same shape, and have the same color distribution. BULLSHIT!

"Uh-huhuhuh! I'm so fucking WASTED!"

Once we bury all their food, we should then stomp on the heads of their infants. It's really the only way to show them that their lives are better now.

My pubic mound on the morning after my old lady took a ride on the Purple Pony.

"This fucking oxycontin is fucking awesome."

I'll take a t-shirt and a front row seat at your long-ass slide show in the rain. T-Shirts will come in XXXL chest/L waist sizes only (they are sized for my body). My entire climbing resume will be on the back, and "I'm better that you. Ask me why." on the front right breast. As far as the slide show, I'm planning on a stop motion movie built from slides, one slide per second, with commentary. There will also be mimes that will mime each word I utter. No beer, though, I want you to experience the purity of my mind and being.

Chronic. C-H-R-O-N-I-C. Chronic.

Dirt camping in Lilloett, fucking cold, wake up thinking a mouse had just run across my face, then to feel something like a marmot trying to get underneath me. Get my head out of the bag, and now the COYOTE is tugging on the foot of my bag. I don't have my glasses on, and I'm screaming at the thing, but it makes another grab at my bag before slinking off.

Pour some oil on the belt to lubricate it.

mattp: thanks for giving me yet another oppurtunity to practice my skimming techniques. This one was tricky, though, because there was no actual content for me to extract..

Rotate! ROTATE!!!

I recognize the dangers... ..and I thank those who have paved the way before me...

Buzz those secret mega-walls we meta-groveled towards back when my life was falling to pieces.

November 25th. I've already obtained my sacrificial albino midget.

Ever since I saw a book of photos by the late Robert Maplethorpe, I've had a dream... I figure I can stuff a small hydrazine solid propellent rocket booster up my ass and fire myself off towards Denali. I've had this dream for a long time, but only recently have anus sized mini-rockets been made available to the climbing community. Upon re-entry, and landing, I plan to don my one peice snowmobile suit, and grab my bag of flour, and head towards the summit, where I will send the first fax. Please send cash contributions and T-Shirt orders to: NecrosRectalRetroRocketPoweredDenaliAscentAndTshirts@chestbeater.com Thanks for supporting me in this, and thanks for keeping Robert Maplethorpe in your hearts as you walk through life each day.

T-Shirts any one?

How to survive a summer wedding:

"You're all a bunch of cock washers. I'm going to strangle you with the gym sock next to Trask's bed, and jib on your mom. Blah, blah, you can kiss my ass, and at the next Pube Gobble, you can expect me to say this to your FACE.

:killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme: :killme::killme::killme:

Ridiculus. R-I-D-I-C-U-L-U-S. Ridiculus.

I stated my intentions last winter and didn't do one of them. So: The Tooth Cat Crack Quit climbing

One time we took all this acid, and then got out a can of engine starting spray and a lighter. My freind rolled up in his car at the time and heard "acid" and "ether" in the same sentence, and left immediately.