Got a gun

[spew]

Got a gun for my wife today.

Good trade don't you think?

Dreary day... the line is out think'n I would do a little troll'n

[Dr_Flash_Amazing]

A guy walks into an auto parts store, and says to the guy at the counter "I'd like to get a gas cap for my Yugo." The guy at the counter thinks for a moment, and replies "OK, that sounds like a fair trade."

 

[troubleski]

Two muffins are sitting in an oven and the first muffin looks over at the second and says

 

"Man ... it sure is getting hot in here."

 

and the second muffin looks up and says

 

"Holy Shit! A talking Muffin!!!!!!"

[Off_White]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dr Flash Amazing:

A guy walks into an auto parts store, and says to the guy at the counter "I'd like to get a gas cap for my Yugo." The guy at the counter thinks for a moment, and replies "OK, that sounds like a fair trade."

---

Friends don't let friends drive Yugo's.

[chucK]

quote:

---

Originally posted by troubleski:

Two muffins are sitting in an oven and the first muffin looks over at the second and says

 

"Man ... it sure is getting hot in here."

 

and the second muffin looks up and says

 

"Holy Shit! A talking Muffin!!!!!!"

---

 

A penquin walks into this bar. He asks the bartender, "have you seen my father in here?"

The bartender replies, "Don't know. What's he look like?"

[allthumbs]

Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

[troubleski]

A pissed off mean ass 3 legged dog walks in to a bar. The bartender nervously pours the dog a whisky while everyone else clears out. The dog glups down the wisky, and turns to the bartender and says.

 

"I'm looking for the man that shot my paw!"

[spew]

My climbing partner/ 'n buddy and my wife took off and split to Cali!!!!!

Damn I sure do miss him !!!!!

[freeclimb9]

Q- What beats a great pair of legs?

A - A leather strap, or hairbrush.

[allthumbs]

I don't get it.

[spew]

Jimmy received a parrot for xmas. The parrot was full grown with a nasty mouth. Every other word was a cus word. Jimmy tried to change the birds vocabulary ...soft misic , he yelled at the bird and it got worse, he shook the bird and the bird got mad and swore even more.

Finally in a moment of desperation , Jimmy put the parrot in the frezzer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squalking and screaming , than sunddenly, there was quite.

Jimmy think'n he might have killed the bird, he quickly opened the frezzer. The parrot calmly walked out and said " I'm sorry that I have offended you with my language and i ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my language.

Jimmy was astounded and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, " may I ask what the chicken did to offend you?

 

[ 10-03-2002, 03:55 PM: Message edited by: spew ]

[Dr_Flash_Amazing]

[Bronco]

The Owner of a country gas station decided to have a promotional contest for the customers at the station.

 

He puts up a sign that says "FREE SEX WITH GAS"

 

Erik and Greg W drive up in their chevy, fill up with gas and request their prize.

 

The owner told Erik to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

 

Erik then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

 

Some time thereafter, Erik, again with his buddy Greg, pulled in for a fill-up (those Chevy's sure get bad mileage), and he asked for his free sex.

 

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Erik guessed (2) this time and the proprietor said,

"Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

 

As they were pushing the truck away (it had broke down again), Greg said to his buddy Erik, "I think that game is "rigged", and he doesn't give away free sex".

 

Erik replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week".

[spew]

[allthumbs]

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

[Noway]

Man walked into a bar, God that's got to hurt.

[allison]

Hear about the cannibal who passed his friend in the jungle?

[headmasterjon_dup1]

A pirate walks hobbles into a bar . He's got a patch over one eye, a hook in place of his right hand, and a peg-leg. He sits down at the bar. The bartender says, "Woah, buddy, what happened to you? What's with the hand?"

Pirate replys, "Yaaar, that there's a hook. My ship boarded another on the high seas, and I killed 50 men before that bastard cut off me hand." Bartender says, "Wow, that's intense! What's with your leg?" Pirate: "Ohh that, well my ship was under attack, and during the cannon exchange, my leg was blown off." Bartender: "Amazing! That is wild! I have to ask though, what's with the eye patch?" Pirate: "Aaaa, Seagull." Bartender: "What? Seagull?"

Pirate: "Ya, right after I got the hook."

[Doug]

Guy gets a new rifle, goes to Alaska to hunt Grizzly. After 2 days of tracking one, he finally gets it in his sights, shoots and kills it. before he has a chance to reach his kill, he feels a tap on his shoulder. It's a big ass grizzly who says "you just shot my cousin. You have two choices. Either I maul you to death right here and now, or I have rough grizlzy sex with you". The hunter thinks it over for a split second and makes like Ned Beatty in Deliverance. The grizzly has his way with him for hours.

 

He returns home, wounded and ashamed. After a few months of recovery, he plots his revenge. He goes out, gets a more powerful gun and gets ready to head back to Alaska. Upon his arrival, he heads out to the same vicinity as his last hunt. His plan is to stalk and kill the grizzly that put him to shame. After 2 weks, he believes he has found the bear. He gets it in his sights, fires and drops the bear. A few seconds later, there is a tap on his shoulder. It's that bear. He shot the wrong one. The bear says "you just killed my best friend. You have two choices, either I maul you to death, or I get o have rough grizzly sex with you". Not wanting to die, the hunter drops his drawers and assumes the position. The bear has his way with him again.

 

Returning home, more ashamed than the last time, the hunter begins plotting his revenge. He burns the bears image into his memory, He goes out and buys the biggest most powerful rifle made. He trains, takes tracking classes and pronounces himself ready.

 

After arriving in Alaska, his resolve greater than ever, he begins his hunt. After a month, and several close encounters, he finds the bear that he is absolutely positive is the one who has defiled him. He tracks the bear for another two weeks, and sets him up for the kill. As the bear begins to pull salmon out of a stream, he picks up his gun, aims and fires. The bear stands up, then falls over, dead as a doornail. "Revenge is mine!!!!!" screams the hunter. All of a sudden, there is a tap on his shoulder and hears the bears voice say "you really don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[Doug]

Guy gets a new rifle, goes to Alaska to hunt Grizzly. After 2 days of tracking one, he finally gets it in his sights, shoots and kills it. before he has a chance to reach his kill, he feels a tap on his shoulder. It's a big ass grizzly who says "you just shot my cousin. You have two choices. Either I maul you to death right here and now, or I have rough grizlzy sex with you". The hunter thinks it over for a split second and makes like Ned Beatty in Deliverance. The grizzly has his way with him for hours.

 

He returns home, wounded and ashamed. After a few months of recovery, he plots his revenge. He goes out, gets a more powerful gun and gets ready to head back to Alaska. Upon his arrival, he heads out to the same vicinity as his last hunt. His plan is to stalk and kill the grizzly that put him to shame. After 2 weks, he believes he has found the bear. He gets it in his sights, fires and drops the bear. A few seconds later, there is a tap on his shoulder. It's that bear. He shot the wrong one. The bear says "you just killed my best friend. You have two choices, either I maul you to death, or I get o have rough grizzly sex with you". Not wanting to die, the hunter drops his drawers and assumes the position. The bear has his way with him again.

 

Returning home, more ashamed than the last time, the hunter begins plotting his revenge. He burns the bears image into his memory, He goes out and buys the biggest most powerful rifle made. He trains, takes tracking classes and pronounces himself ready.

 

After arriving in Alaska, his resolve greater than ever, he begins his hunt. After a month, and several close encounters, he finds the bear that he is absolutely positive is the one who has defiled him. He tracks the bear for another two weeks, and sets him up for the kill. As the bear begins to pull salmon out of a stream, he picks up his gun, aims and fires. The bear stands up, then falls over, dead as a doornail. "Revenge is mine!!!!!" screams the hunter. All of a sudden, there is a tap on his shoulder and hears the bears voice say "you really don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[CraigA]

A lady slices her drive on the fourth hole really, really bad. It slices all the way over to the next fairway. When she walks over the hill she see's a guy on the ground, hands down by his crotch, writhing in pain.

 

"Ohhhhh myyyy Goddddd, Ooooooohhh..."

 

The lady rushes into action. She runs to his side and says "I'm sooooo sorry, I can help, I'm a trained physical therapist."

 

"OooooK, pleeeeease, anything. Ooohh the pain"

 

She calmly and professionally undoes his pants and begins to message him. "Does that help, does that feel any better".

 

"Yeh, that feels great, but my thumb is still killing me."

 

[allison]

Did I mention it bothered him so much he threw up his hands in disgust?

[Beck]

...these two hunters charter a Talkeetna Air Taxi for a float plane drop on a moose hunt at a remote lake in Alaska. Upon dropping the hunters off, the pilot says,

"Okay, I'll be back in a week. Stop hunting when ONE of you gets a moose, I've only flown out off here once before with two moose, and I don't want to do that again."

 

"Okay, Okay" say the two hunters, but when the TAT pilot shows up a week later he finds the hunters on shore, grinning, with TWO moose.

He tells the two hunters NO WAY he's going to fly out with two moose again, but the hunters plead with the pilot, offer more money and he finally relents.

 

He has the hunters lash the moose to the plane, one to each pontoon, then , leaving all the rest of their gear behind, the hunters and pilot get in the float plane and head for take off.

 

It seems to the hunters it's taking a long time for the plane to take off; this unnerves the hunters. The plane just clears the trees at the edge of the lake, clipping some off the top branches. The plane starts heading for a mountain pass but it's clear to the hunters the plane won't make it-

 

they speak up to the pilot, "Hey, you said you'd taken off with two moose from here before!"

 

and the pilot responds,

"yeah, well, we've already gotten further than the last time I tried it!"

[spew]

Trask and Scott-P are pull'n down hard at Rope de Dope block. Scott-P says to Trask, my elbow hurts,I think I blew it when I did that drop knee throw to the sloper. I guess I better see Dr Flash Amazing.Trask says listen dude that saw bones don't know shit he's a snake oil peddler and spendy too. There a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten senconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than that kid bash'n sporto Dr Flash. So scott-p deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: you have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeeks. That evening while think'n how amazing this new technology was Scott-p began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masterbated into the mixture for good measure. Scott-p hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours the concoction in, and waits for the results.

The computer prints the follwing:

1. your tap water is too hard: get a water softner

2. your dog has ringworm: bathe him with anti fungal shampoo.

3. your daughter has a cocaine habit: get her into rehab

4. your wife is pregnant with twins, they are not your: get a laywer

5. if you don't stop play'n with your self, your elbow will never get better.

[RobBob]

you can dress up a tired oldy like that one...and it don't get no better!