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allthumbs

A joke, for the hell of it...

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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."

The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."

 

He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"

 

The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

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There once was a young man named Gene,

Who invented a screwing machine.

Concave and convex,

It served either sex,

And it played with itself inbetween.

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This big bear walks into a bar in Bozeman and demands a drink. The bartender says " we don't serve big bears in bars in Bozeman. So the bear slams his paw on the bar and demands a drink again. The bartender says " we don't surve big bully bears in bars in Bozeman". So the bear gets realy mad and starts yelling and cussing and says "If you don't give me a drink I'll eat some one". So the bartender says " we don't surve big belligerant bully bears in Bozeman". So the bear ate a woman at the end of the bar, and the bartender says " we don't surve bears on drugs". "What do you mean" says the bear, " I don't do drugs",

Bartender says

 

"That was a barbitchyouate"

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a grasshopper goes into a bar and asks for a drink.

 

"say, did you know we have a drink named after you?" says the bartender.

 

"You have a drink named Irving?" says the grasshopper [big Grin]

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what is the difference between an alpine guide and a large pizza?

 

pizza can feed a family of 4.

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A Deconstruction of A Scot’s Tale (submitted above on page 5 and posted 05-02-2002 10:09 AM by Son of Caveman)

or Why I Am Not A Professor of English Literature.

 

The Epic of Inverness, or A Scots Tale, is an example of a literary/oral genre found worldwide. The Protagonist in the form of the hapless Driver, is going about his business in the role of Everyman, with few expectations other than completing his journey successfully. Apart from our thoughts about the man’s purpose in driving to Inverness, or his activities once he arrives, there is nothing remarkable to the beginning of the story. The fact that he is driving through hills, though, likely anticipates the “uneven road” ahead and provides our first indication of forthcoming tension. It is important to note that the Antagonist in the story steps into view out of the mists and into the middle of the road. Like many of life’s troubles, he seemingly appears spontaneously, startling, and out of nowhere to upset the very core of our daily normalcy. The metaphor of the “redheaded Scotsmen” that unexpectedly plagues our lives at times, embodies all that is unexpected; he is very large and dressed in clothes that are inappropriate for the weather and the rakish angle of his cap is no artifact of embellishment: it is a detail that makes many readers/listeners immediately uncomfortable. A beautiful siren-like blond is seen in the company of the giant although we are left to wonder about who she might be and her relationship is to the red-headed brute. The Scottish Giant issues orders and refers to The Driver informally as “Jimmy”. The unsuspecting reader/listener might now surmise that we finally have some clues to the relationship between The Driver and Giant; some sort of name familiarity such as a friend, family member, neighbor or perhaps co-worker. Ultimately, the details our not provided, thus suggesting that the Scotsman represents a kind of the most unexpected form of surprise: a familiar voice in an unexpected package arriving in an unanticipated scenario. The request of The Giant is unwelcome and causes The Driver to stammer (“But....”) Threatened, The Driver feels he has no option but to comply to The Giant’s sordid demands which as is usual in this genre, is repeated three times and then reiterated once last time for emphasis. The tension in the story is maintained throughout. What does The Giant want? How do these acts fulfill this want? The nature of the act, its repetition and the presence of the silent female witness nearby all add to our discomfort. The Driver finally has reached his physical and emotional limits and requests death at the hands of the Giant rather than submit to further acts of utter humiliation. The Giant responds and we are finally treated to at statement that solves many of our questions and brings an end to this trying mystery/epic. ''All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?'' We now learn that it was The Giant’s wish to relieve The Driver of potential sexual desire before allowing his beloved daughter to “accept” a [uninvited] ride with The Driver. The Giant’s acceptance of The Driver was conditional and forceful and we are left to decide for ourselves as to his moral credibility. The familiar relationship between The Giant and The Driver continues to leave one to speculate, the name “laddie” now being substituted for “Jimmy”. The emphasis upon the word “now” (as exemplified by the use of capitals in the text, or a loud and prolonged pronunciation when presented orally) provides us with a well-appreciated sense of relief. The Driver’s life is spared, he will continue on his way, though somewhat traumatized. The story stops all too soon. He will travel with a mysterious and beautiful woman whose personal qualities, for better or worse, will know doubt be made known as the journey continues. The abruptness of the story represents all of our personal journeys as we face life’s travails and continue into the future with its myriad of twists and turns and unforeseen circumstances. In a sense, each and everyone of is The Driver, occasionally and unexpectedly forced confront the unexpected and to abuse ourselves for reasons nowhere immediately apparent. We are, ultimately, Pud-Pounders.

[hell no]

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An individual walks in a bar with a caveman's son. It has near 10 feet of length. The waiter moves of a pull towards outside and says, "hey pal, you you were able to obtain here to that son of outta of the dog. He is going to bite to one of my clients and I am going to obtain demanded." The individual says, "no no. of no, is a domestic caveman's son. I will prove you." It takes the caveman's son and he puts it in the bar. Later it undoes his trousers, removes to his package and small sticks he in the mouth from the child of Neandertal. The sun of caves man as soon as it maintains his mouth open. After near 5 minutes, it removes from him the mouth of the caveman's sonand relampaga upon his trousers and says, "sees, I said that a domestic caveman's sonoutside to him. Anyone wishes to try it " Drunk down in the end of the bar it says, "Yah, I I wanted to try it but I do not think I can maintain to my open mouth that length"

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There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the gramdmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.”

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she had said. "But," she said, "I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried that I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

 

P.S. Dwayner, nice breakdown. Dru, take yur vitamins. [big Drink]

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Dru's amusing riddle:

Question: "what is the difference between an alpine guide and a large pizza?

Answer: A pizza can feed a family of 4.

 

Dru's amusing riddle deconstructed:

 

A riddle can be defined as: "a question stated so as to exercise one's ingenuity in answering it or discovering its meaning." In the posting by Dru, we find a classic example of such with its obligatory two-part format. First a question is posed. The use of the word "what" is not uncommon in the genre along with other familiar interrogatives including "who", "why", "how", etc. Interestingly, Dru could have posed the question, "How is an alpine guide different from a pizza?" yet he chose to use "why", a subtle stylistic choice with implications impinging on the riddle's metric rythym. The use of "why" adds much to a more colloquial and informal introduction to the posed quandry, thus establishing a tone of humorous anticipation on the part of the listener/responder. The surprising and seemingly irreconcilable juxtaposition of the two nouns, "pizza" and "alpine guide" immediately provoke two responses: amusement and curiosity. The contrast between the two elements of comparasion (one, a food item, the other a person employed in a specific occupation)is the essense of Part One: The Question. One can postulate that much of the value of the riddle can be found in the intermission between the presentation of the The Question and its Resolution, the listener/responder mulling over the various improbable solutions. When presented orally, the riddle provides room for the teller to pause, respond negatively to incorrect "answers" including the use of gestures (e.g finger-wagging, head-nodding)and verbal rebukes and taunts (e.g. "no...!", "nope", "not what I had in mind", etc.) Such auxillary elements add much to the riddling experience which are unfortunately lost when viewed in writing. When presented orally, the teller exercises control over the timing of the revelation with the opportunity to enhance anticipation. The solution to the question, however, becomes immediately available to a reader and the experience is by nature foreshortened.

With Part 2, the Revelation, we are finally informed of the solution to the puzzle. In this case, the qualities of a pizza (typically large, and of sufficient quantity to feed several people)are compared to the economic weaknesses inherent in a specific occupation presented here as alpine guiding. The humor within the solution requires a specific knowledge or inkling of the low salaries obtained by individuals employed in such a profession. Word play evolves around the use of the word "feeding" used differentially in the two contrasting componants. One, the pizza, is capable of feeding, that is supplying with food, a family of 4 while a mountain guide by the nature of his low salary, is not. The listener finds amusement that two seemingly divergent concepts ("pizza" and "alpine guide") result in a true statement or one that is commonly believed to be true. Either way, the solution tends to reinforce the notion that alpine guides are poorly paid, while the efficacy of the pizza is likely rarely questioned. The particular redaction of this riddle form here presented would likely be lost upon one not knowledgeable of either concept, yet the structure of this riddle allows for transferability to other situations and audiences.

For example:

Question: "What's the difference between a 6 ft. long hogey sandwich and a professional snowboarder?"

Answer: "A 6 ft. long hogey sandwich can feed a family of 4."

 

In summary, Dru has presented us with an opportunity to break the monotony of our work day by sharing joking behavior, choosing the form of a riddle to amuse, inform and allowing us to laugh somewhat at ourselves. None of that, however, applies to all of that crap I wrote above.

- Dwayner

 

P.S. That are lots of folks out there (for example, English literature, anthropology) who got doctorates for spewing out pages and pages of such verbal and ultimately meaningless charades! [hell no]

 

[ 05-03-2002, 12:10 PM: Message edited by: Dwayner ]

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What do you call an alpine guide with no girlfriend....??

 

Homeless

 

What is the difference between an alpine guide and a savings bond?

 

Savings bond will eventually mature and make money.

 

Three ropes walk in to a bar, a Mammut, a Bluewater, and a PMI

The Mammut rope says “ i’ll go get us a couple of beers.”

So the Mammut rope goes up to the Bartender and asks for three beers, the Bartender steps back, looks him up and down and then asks “your a rope, aren’t ya?”

Well the Mammut ropes says “hell ya, I sure am a rope”

The Bartender replies “sorry I don’t serve ropes.”

So the Mammut rope goes back to his table and tells the other two ropes what happened. The Bluewater ropes get up and says he will go see what he can do, so he walks up to the bar and asks for three beers. Well the bartender turns to him and asks “do you happen to be a rope?”

The Bluewater rope answers yes and the bartender tells him “sorry but I don’t serve ropes.”

As the Bluewater rope returns to the table the PMI rope get up and says “Don’t worry about it, I will go take care of it”.

So he stands up, ties himself in a figure eight and then frays his ends, he then walks over to the bar and says “hey Bartender, how about three beers for me and my friends?!”

Well the Bartender takes a hard long look at him and asks “you wouldn’t happen to be a rope would ya?”

and the PMI rope answers “ NO IM A FRAYED KNOT.”

 

[ 05-03-2002, 12:03 PM: Message edited by: Dru ]

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Q: Why couldn't Dan Larson and Lambone "make it" with the blonde hottie?

 

A: They couldn't find the guidebook for MOUNT HER [Wink][laf][laf][laf][Razz]

 

[ 05-05-2002, 09:45 PM: Message edited by: sk ]

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quote:

Originally posted by sk:

Q: Why couldn't Dan Larson and Lambone "make it" with the blonde hottie?

 

A: They couldn't find the guidebook for MOUNT HER
[Wink][laf][laf][laf][Razz]

Which one was going to lead and which one was going to sloppy second? [Razz]

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quote:

Originally posted by sk:

Q: Why couldn't Dan Larson and Lambone "make it" with the blonde hottie?

 

A: They couldn't find the guidebook for MOUNT HER

Breakdown and analysis Dwayner?

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Heres your breakdown and the answer to Dru's question

 

DAN LARSON AND LAMEBONE SUCK (eachother) [Wink][laf][laf][laf][Moon]

 

[ 05-06-2002, 11:42 AM: Message edited by: sk ]

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Thanks, now I don't have to fall asleep digging through all of Dwayner's litero-intelligentsia bullshit to get to the point.

 

Greg

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A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: "What's up with the jar?"

Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

 

Man: "What are the three tests?"

 

Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."

 

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.

 

Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila - the WHOLE thing at once - AND you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

 

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot; I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and get crazier from there."

 

Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."

 

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

 

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps, and growling, then eventually silence.

 

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

 

"NOW," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?

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Here are the top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide

11. White Trashfindel

10. Big Red Gulp

9. Grape Expectations

8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays" (roughly translates to "shit of the land")

7. NASCARbernet

6. Chef Boyardeaux

5. Peanut Noir

4. Chateau des Moines

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. World Championship Wriesling

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...

1. Nasti Spumante

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>>MULLET HAIKUS

>>

>>Shampoo stings my eyes,

>>I will never feel that twice:

>>slick hair smells like gas.

>>

>>Oh! Squirrel brother,

>>Your tail, my hair. We are one.

>>Yet I must eat you.

>>

>>I liked that foreign

>>legion movie so much, I

>>grew me one them hats.

>>

>>Brown edged tank top sticks

>>to my white clumpy armpits

>>Somehow I get laid.

>>

>>Flowing down the back

>>helps to keep mind closed, hate

>>released by short top

>>

>>My hair is slammin

>>like Stone Cold. Can I get a Hell

>>yeah? Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

>>

>>This super cool hair

>>and a bucket of chicken:

>>What more could I want?

>>

>>my slick snakeskin boots

>>my silk shirt with rooster prints

>>always colored jeans

>>

>>Lynnrd Skynnrd didn't

>>win no spelling bees. Who cares?

>>They rock the trailer.

>>

>>Razor set to one.

>>Do front and sides and then stop

>>Reaffirm my style.

>>

>>Metallica is

>>for first graders. Nothing rocks

>>harder than Winger.

>>

>>Dogs urinate where

>>they so choose. And so do I.

>>Red and blue lights flash.

>>

>>Teen runaway, I

>>hate my dad. Yet I am one.

>>Fly, thunderbird, fly.

>>

>>Ponytails are for wimps.

>>But if you let that hair loose,

>>you are my brother.

>>

>>New white tank top tucks

>>neatly into tight black jeans:

>>redneck romeo.

>>

>>Short like your schooling.

>>Long like your prison sentence.

>>The penal haircut.

>>

>>Bald on the top and

>>long on the back. Behold my

>>glorious skullet.

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Il y avait un plombier, Francois,

Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.

Dit-elle, "Arretez!

J'entends quelqu'un venait."

Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."

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Police warn all clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug is on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is being used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship" or worse even "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

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