Time for a joke thread

[snoboy]

President George W.Bush and Dick Cheney were in Washington one morning and decided to have breakfast at a nearby diner. After consulting their menus, their waitress, a very hot blonde, came to the table to take their order.

 

Cheney tells the waitress, "Ill have the scrambled eggs."

 

The waitress then turns to Bush. "What would you like this morning?"

Bush replies, How about a quickie?"

 

Shocked, the blonde waitress lit into him. "Sir,"she said, I cant even believe you would ask me that. I thought we were over that kind of administration. How dare you ask me to do such a thing!" The waitress leaves the table.

 

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced 'keesh."

[NTM]

So there's this dude named Nate. Nate's a pretty cool dude. Lives in a small town where he's liked by everybody. He also has a really important job in this town. Nate gets up every morning and walks across the highway to the dam that holds back a big lake. There's a lever that he pulls which allows water to flow into the town. He's great at his job and always lets just enough in for usage without wasting too much.

One day Nate gets up, puts on his pants and starts to stroll across the highway. His BFF (Best Friend Forever), Sam, comes driving along in his big rig (he's a trucker). Seeing Nate in the middle of the highway, he decides he should stop and say "hi". But, when he tries to push on the brake pedal, nothing happens. He begins to stomp furiously on the pedal, but still no result. It then occurs to Sam that if he doesn't stop his truck, he will run over his BFF.

He begins to pull on the steering wheel in order to swerve out of the way, but now the truck is heading straight towards he dam. If he hits the dam, it will crumble and everyone in the town will die in the flood that would ensue.

Sam pulls back on the steering wheel to avoid the dam, but is now barreling down on Nate again! He needs to make a decision. What should he do? Hit his friend of kill everyone in the town?

He chooses at the last second and SPLAT!!!! Levels Nate to the pavement.

What's the moral to the story?

Better Nate than Lever.

[kevbone]

TO ALL EMPLOYEES:

 

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all departments, we

are

 

forced to cut back on personnel.

 

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement,

 

thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

 

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the

 

current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect

 

immediately.

 

This program will be known as SLAP . (Sever Late-Age Personnel).

 

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs

outside the company.

 

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before

 

actual retirement takes place.

 

This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities

 

of Retired Early Workers).

 

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with

 

upper management.

 

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following

 

Termination).

 

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,

 

SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems

 

appropriate.

 

>If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to

 

get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or

 

CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment).

 

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, an employee who has

 

received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the

 

company again.

 

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board

 

that the company will continue its policy of training employees through

 

our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).

 

We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive and we have

 

given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any

 

employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your

 

immediate supervisor.

 

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the

 

SHIT you can stand.

 

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

 

The Management

 

[rmncwrtr]

The Husband Store

 

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

 

-You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

-There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

-There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

 

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

 

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that woman are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

 

The Wife Store

 

A new Wife Store opened across the street.

 

The first floor has wives that love sex.

 

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

 

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[EWolfe]

That was a good one, Kev.

[underworld]

joke thread?? ha... this whole site is a joke!

[kevbone]

joke thread?? ha... this whole site is a joke!

 

Now thats funny.

[pink]

Q: how do know when michael jackson is having a party?

 

A: fifty bigwheels parked out front?

[ClimbingPanther]

Has anybody been to see that new Warner Brothers flick, "Constipation?"

Oh wait, it hasn't come out yet.

[kevbone]

Has anybody been to see that new Warner Brothers flick, "Constipation?"

Oh wait, it hasn't come out yet.

 

[NTM]

Q: What's the difference between a climber and a golfer?

A: A golfer goes: whack Crap! while a climber goes Crap whack

[NTM]

Q: what do Mic Jagger and a Scot have in Common?

A: Mic sings "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud" while the Scot says "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

[NTM]

Q:What's the hardest part about Sport climbing?

A: Telling your parents you're gay.

[NTM]

Sorry, that's all I can think of for the moment (execpt for a few that would have me banned right away). I'll come back later with more.

[Dechristo]

Has anybody been to see that new Warner Brothers flick, "Constipation?"

Oh wait, it hasn't come out yet.

 

 

it came out

[G-spotter]

Constipation is Tom Cruise?

[kevbone]

Constipation is Tom Cruise?

 

you got something agaist Tom Cruise?

[EWolfe]

A blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life by Throwing herself into Puget Sound. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, Listen, you've got a lot to live for... I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you, and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink, "And I'll make you

happy, and you can make ME happy." The girl nodded yes through her tears. After all, what did she have to lose?

 

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat, along with blankets and food. From then on, every night he brought her sandwiches,water, wine and fruit and they would make mad, passionate love until dawn.

 

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What the hell are you doing here?" the Captain demanded angrily. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,"she explained. "I get free food and a trip to Europe. Meanwhile (she says coyly), he's taking advantage of me', so to speak." (wink, wink)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"He sure as hell is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Bremerton Ferry!"

 

[lance]

Three dogs arrive at the vets office. Dog one asks dog two why hes there. " Ive ruined to many on my masters carpets. You see I can't hold it any longer and my master is putting me down." Thats too bad dog one says. Dog two now inqires as to why dog one is visiting the vet. "Well ...its like this I nipped the postman the other day so my Master is putting me down" Dog two

says hes sorry. Dog three has been sitting by and is now asked by the other two dogs why he is at the vet today. "Well its like this you see my Master was bent over cleaning up one of the messes I made and I came up behind him and started fucking him from behind". Dog two looks saddened and asks "so your master is putting you down?" Dog three replies " No..

Im just getting my nails clipped."

[RichTurley]

Young couple desperately wanted to have kids. Finally got pregnant. After a long hard delivery, the baby was born. Where upon the doctor took the baby over to the window, opened the window and threw the baby out.

 

The mother screamed, "How could you? You just killed my baby!!"

 

The doctor said "Nah...I'm just messin with you, it was already dead."

[richard_noggin]

I told my best friend my ol lady was a bad lay he said no she isn't WTF

[richard_noggin]

I told my ol lady let me know when she was going to come, she said she would but I was never there, give her my number at work and she would call me!!!!